Hello everyone!  Chuckie here again.  Sorry Chuckie no been around lately.  Many people like last blog about eating so Chuckie try to get staff to work.  Stafff has been outside playing games and having good time since Master Dram leave.  Chuckie try to be like Master Dram and yell and tell them they never see sun again if they no work.  Workers end up taking turns putting Chuckie in garbage can and rolling Chuckie down hills.  Then, staff take away all Chuckie quarters.  So, Chuckie been too dizzy and broke to blog.

Chuckie know people want to read new things here, so Chuckie sell Master Dram tiger to happy man that needed new tiger after his last tiger chew on his partner.  So now Chuckie have enough quarters to entertain everyone again!

But Chuckie wonder why even try to blog for Master Dram.  Everyone comment how funny Master Dram is, but no say anything about Chuckie.  Chuckie do all work, but nobody say “Good job, Chuckie!”.  They just laugh and say how silly Master Dram is.  Here is e-mail Chuckie get:

To: Chuckie
From: Mean Person

Hey Chuckie,

Where’s Dram?  We all miss him.  Instead of posting your dumb story, why don’t you do something constructive and go out and find him?

From,
Mean Person

See?  Mean person make Chuckie sad.  So Chuckie try to change things and make everyone happy!

First, people say Chuckie name is scary name.  People say when they hear “Chuckie”, they think “scary doll that stab people”.  Chuckie no want people to be scared of Chuckie, so Chuckie want to change name.  Chuckie want to be like favorite singer and change name to ““, or “Blogger Formerly Known As Chuckie”.  So, whenever everyone see smiley face, they think of Chuckie and they smile!  No can be scared of Chuckie when looking at smiley face!  See, Chuckie… whoops…  is smart.

Next,  notice that everyone love pictures on Dramamine Boy Xanga, so  find program that staff uses and  make own pictures!

 do all by himself!  It look just like if  is there!

Last is super surprise!   search high and low to bring back Dramamine Boy Xanga bestest idea that everyone love!

 

Hai everbodi! Omigosh i can’t beleev i’m bak on Xanga i’m sooooo happi 2 talk 2 every1 again an i kno all u peepl sooooo missd me!  Yai! I can talk bout sooooo mani thingz since da last time i wuz here an since derez no stupid dramaboy 2 interrup me i can talk as loooooong as i wan 2 an u can all thank Chuckie 4 havin me entertain every1 u r tooooo sweet 4 bringn me bak Chuckie!

Miss Katy… Chuckie not my name anymore, it’s .

What?  How do u sai dat?  Shud i just smile an den u wud kno dat i m saying u’r name but den how wud u kno if i m saying u’r name or just smiling or shud i call u mister smilie face man or shud i just…

Never mind, Miss Katy.  Just use Chuckie.

Hee hee!  u r sooooo funni smilie Chuckie face!  Hey Chuckie u kno wat wud b sooooo supa cool dat every1 out dere wud luv?  Letz sing a song!

Uhhh… Chuckie know english, but Chuckie no understand everything you say.  Did Miss Katy want Chuckie to sing song?

Dat’s wat i sed letz sing!

Sure!  Chuckie like sing!

Do u no dis 1 Chuckie?

Dey say we’re yung n we dunno We wun find out ntil we gro

Oh boy!  Chuckie love Sonny and Cher!

Well Chuckie no know if all that true
Cuz you got Chuckie, and baby, Chuckie got you

Babe…

i	got	u babe
chuckie	got	you babe

i	got	u babe
chuckie	got	you babe

Dey say r luv wun pay da rent b4 itz earnd r monyz all been spent

Chuckie guess that so, we no have a pot
But at least Chuckie sure of all the thing we got

Babe…

i	got	u babe
chuckie	got	you babe

i	got	u babe
chuckie	got	you babe

Chuckie no know this part of song
So Chuckie make up as he go along

n when i’m sad yur a clown n if i get scurrd yur alwaiz aro-

WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TWO DOING TO MY SITE!?!

Oh… hello Master Dram…

Oh poo poo… he alwaiz showz up 2 ruin all da fun.  Bai!

Um… Chuckie just helping out while you away, Master Dram…

Where is everyone?  What’s that big fire outside?  WHY WAS “SHE” HERE!?!

Um… Master Dra-

Where are all the blogs that were supposed to be posted?  Why weren’t things taken care of when I was away?  Why don’t we have any more chickens!?!

Ummmm… Mas-

Holy crap!  What happened in the computer room!?!  Get everyone back in here!  I’m goin’ upstairs and gettin’ some sleep.

Okay Master Dram… Chuckie glad you are back!

Whew… Master Dram not too happy.  Chuckie think it good idea to leave before Master Dram find out tha-

What the… WHERE’S MY TIGER!?!  CHUCKIEEEEEEE!

Oh oh.  This is end of Chuckie blog for… ever.  Goodnight everyone!

Hello everybody!  Chuckie here again.  Master Dram still missing, but everyone can be happy cuz Chuckie here!  Chuckie no have story to tell this time, but Chuckie do better!  Chuckie know story was not as good as usual Dramamine Boy Xanga story, so Chuckie go out to field where workers burn everything and look through ashes and find Dramamine Boy Xanga blog that no has been posted yet!  Blog is only slightly burned from fire, so Chuckie post blog for everyone to enjoy.  Everyone please read… Chuckie going to eat popcorn.

Dram’s Guide to Eating Alone

Okay, I’m not talkin’ about eating by myself at home in front of the TV or something… I do that all the time.  I’m talkin’ about going to a packed T.G.I.Friday’s and asking for a table for one.

I had to do this when I traveled to North Carolina by myself a couple of years ago.  I felt like Steve Martin in The Lonely Guy (woohoo, got my out-of-date reference out of the way).  You feel as if everyone is looking at you as you walk to your table.  Couples speak to each other under their breath, “Wow, look at that loser guy all by himself”.  Small children point and laugh.  Instead of scolding their kids, the parents say, “See, that’s what can happen to you if you don’t listen to your parents!”

So, here are the top five Dramamine Boy’s Xanga tips you can employ to avoid looking like a dope when you’re eating alone.

5. The Food Critic

Take out a small notepad.  Ask the waitress what their best dishes are.  Order two different ones.  When your food comes, slowly savor each bite with a pondering look on your face, much like a wine taster.  Well, don’t swirl the food in your mouth and then spit it out on the floor… that would probably be bad.  Then, write in your notepad between bites.  Don’t finish either dish.  When the waitress stops by to ask how is everything, you quickly snap your notebook shut and reply, “satisfactory”.

4. Where’s My Friend?

Ask for a table for two.  Sit down and order a drink, then wait… and wait.  Keep looking at your watch.  If the waiter comes up to you asking if you want to order, you say, in a rather loud tone so everyone around you can hear, “No thanks, I’m waiting for my buddy”.  Look at your watch some more.  Get your cell phone out and pretend to call your friend and carry on a conversation, such as, “Dude, I’m at the restaurant… where are you?  You’ve got the wrong restaurant!  What do you mean you ordered already!?!”.

Hmmmm… maybe this technique would be better if you ask for a table for four.  Otherwise, it might back-fire if it appears you just got stood up for a date.

Maybe she meant 4am instead of 4pm.

3. James Bond/Secret Agent

Look around all shifty-eyed and stuff.  Order a martini… shaken, not stirred.  If a waitress drops a plate, you dive under your table and draw your Walther PPK.  If you don’t have a gun, aim your watch like you have a laser gun built in it or something.  This Bond thing should be used at upscale restaurants.  It might not be very believable that James Bond eats at McDonald’s.

6-piece Chicken McNuggets… shaken, not stirred.

2. The Lost Loved One

Walk into the restaurant with a depressed look on your face.  Ask for a table for two.  When they ask, “Is the other party here?”, you answer “No… *sniff*, he/she is… *sniff* DEAD!”

Break down crying (put some cut onions in your jacket to use if you failed the “Crying on Demand” course at your local acting studio).  The waiter will feel so embarassed, they’ll immediately seat you at a table for two.

When you sit down, take out a picture of a loved one (a picture that was in one of those frames that you bought at the store will do) and place it at the empty table setting.  Stare wistfully at it and sigh periodically.

When the waiter comes by to tell you the specials for the day, you say, “F-F-F… filet mignon?  THAT WAS HIS/HER FAVORITE!” and proceed to bawl your head off (crush your foot with your chair if the onions have stopped taking effect).

The waiter is gonna feel so bad, he’s gonna to do everything in his power to make sure you’re taken care of for the rest of the night.  People will come up to your table and try to cheer you up or give you words of support and encouragement instead of thinking you’re a loser.  They might even invite you over to their table to keep you company.

Heck, you might even get a free drink or a free meal out of this one.

And the number one way to look cool while eating alone is -

*munch munch*

Oh… that is end of blog.  Chuckie no know how story ends.  Guess number one was burnt up in fire.

This is end of Chuckie blog for today.  Good night everyone!

Helloooooo?  This working?

Hello everybody!  This is Chuckie, Dramamine Boy Xanga number one employee!  Master Dram still no here and workers no work cuz nobody here to “motivate” workers. 

Workers are outside making big fire and throwing blogs on top of fire for fun.  Workers talk about throwing computers on fire next.  Chuckie no think Master Dram will be happy about that when he come back.

Chuckie know people come here to read story… so, Chuckie try to entertain everyone!

 

 

Soooo… ummmmmm…

 

 

Chuckie no know what to say.  Master Dram like to talk about things that happen when he was little, so maybe Chuckie do the same thing and tell story from way back when Chuckie was little!

So, couple of months ago… Master Dram say “stupid union make me be nice to workers” so he say he take all workers on field trip!  Master Dram say we going to amusement park, so Chuckie ask if we going to Disneyland.  Chuckie never been to Disneyland.  Master Dram say no, we going to better one.  BETTER THAN DISNEYLAND!?!  Chuckie no can wait!

We get to park and it look like Disneyland, but smaller than Disneyland.  More like ranch than park.  There no Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck, but there llama and monkey.  Owner of park not Walt Disney, but different white guy who walk around with umbrella, like Jiminy Cricket and Mary Poppins.  Chuckie ride on ferris wheel, drive go carts, feed animals and owner follow us around the whole time and give us cotton candy.  Chuckie have lots of fun.

Chuckie must be owner’s favorite cuz owner ask Chuckie to sleep over.  Chuckie ask Master Dram and he say “Whatever, kid”, so Chuckie say SURE!  Everyone else leave ranch, but Chuckie get to stay and play!

Chuckie and owner ride merry-go-round together and ride pony together and watch movie together.  Owner sure is friendly!  Chuckie have lots of fun!

Night time come and Chuckie get own room and own bed!  Chuckie never sleep with less than eight people in same bed before.  But before Chuckie fall asleep, secret door opens and owner tell me to follow him.  Owner have secret room with lots of toys and we play games.  Chuckie get tired so owner tuck Chuckie into bed, but owner no want to sleep.  Then… well… Mr. Lawyer-man say Chuckie no can talk about what happen after that.

So, Chuckie no care if we go to Disneyland anymore.  If Disneyland like ranch, Chuckie may go on rides, but Chuckie sleep in own bed at night.

This is end of Chuckie story.  Good night everybody!

Weekend Edition
Sunday, April 11th, 2004

Dramamine Boy On The Run?

Xangaland - After running our exclusive story on Monday about the sudden disappearance of Xanga member Dramamine Boy, answers to this mystery are starting to come in. 

The local newspapers and newscasts picked up the story and The Xanga Times has been flooded with tips about his whereabouts.  Possible sightings have included:

• being seen with a lighter at a Night Ranger concert in Branson, Missouri
  
• eating at an International House of Pancakes in Eugene, Oregon with Skippy from Family Ties
  
• combing the Canadian wastelands in search of people that have unsubscribed to his Xanga site

However, none of these leads could be confirmed.  Finding the truth seemed impossible until The Xanga Times received a call yesterday.  The Xanga Times has learned that Dramamine Boy is the focus of an ongoing investigation.  It appears the reason for his disappearance is that he is currently wanted by the authorities.

Authorities received an anonymous tip approximately three weeks ago, prompting a search warrant being issued for Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Headquarters.  Investigators served the warrant last week and conducted a thorough search of the premises.  After combing the sleeping quarters, they discovered:

“We have a warrant out for his arrest”, stated a spokesman for the International Bed and Pillow Police.  “Have no doubt, this is a very serious offense in our eyes.  We intend to make an example of this Dramamine Boy character.  I mean, if we let this guy off the hook, then you know what’s next?  Other people will start ripping the tags off of their beds and then more people… the next thing ya know, we’re unfreezing Hitler’s head, putting it on Rusty Staub’s body and making him president!”

Mr. Staub, who is still alive, was unavailable for comment since he wanted big bucks for appearing on the pages of The Xanga Times.

It is unclear what the actual penalty is for ripping the tags off of beds and pillows.  When we posed the question, the spokesman would only state, “You just go ahead and rip one off and you’ll find out, pal!”

The theory that Dramamine Boy’s disappearance shortly before the investigation was a coincidence evaporated when the following note arrived in an un-marked envelope at The Xanga Times.  Handwriting experts compared the note with a previous blog that he posted and have confirmed that it’s from Dramamine Boy himself.

---

Today’s less important news stories

Sports: BayStars 17, Tigers 0 - BayStars destroy defending champions, BayStars mangager Daisuke Yamashita hailed as genius

Early Morning Edition
Monday, April 5, 2004

Where Is Dramamine Boy?

Xangaland - Members of the popular weblog site, Xanga.com, have been inquiring about the whereabouts of one of their own, a strange lad named Dramamine Boy.  Boy, age unknown, has been running a weblog since late 2002.  Recently, his posts have been few and far between and he is currently on the longest hiatus of his Xanga career.

“We’re very concerned about his disappearance”, stated John, one of the owners of Xanga (or he might be one of the workers from Xanga… research has never been a big priority here at The Xanga Times).  “Losing a member such as Dramamine Boy would be a catastrophe of epic proportions.” *

*This quote has been sensationalized to reflect the possible feelings of the people running Xanga and Xangans worldwide.  His actual quote was, “Who?” and “Hey kid, you call me one more time and I’m callin’ the cops!”

Numerous attempts by The Xanga Times to contact Dramamine Boy have gone un-answered.  Finally, a spokesman for Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Headquarters released the following statement:

“Chuckie no know where Dramamine Boy is.  Chuckie no see him for days.  He no feed tiger or leopard.  Chuckie go to feed tiger but tiger think Chuckie is food.  So, I throw bag of Tiger Chow at tiger before tiger eat Chuckie.”

A search party has been formed to investigate his disappearance.  Search party experts have stated that one potential stumbling block is that they do not know what he looks like. Apparently, very few people on Xanga have seen him in person.  A visit to the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga site offers a clue to his current appearance:

However, this is a photo of Dramamine Boy when he was young.  Interviews with the few Dramamine Boy’s Xanga employees that speak english have revealed that he:

• Is taller
  
• Has some gray hair
  
• Wears glasses
  
• Has a mustache

First, The Xanga Times extrapolated Dramamine Boy’s possible age based on the era of clothing and patio furniture in the picture.  Then, after compiling all of this new information, The Xanga Times contracted the top police profilers and forensic experts to construct this modern day image of Dramamine Boy:

If you see this person, please contact The Xanga Times immediately.

---

Today’s less important news stories

World: Osama Bin Laden captured – Found hiding in a laundry hamper with a box of Wheat Thins and a Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo betamax video.

Sports: Long Beach Jam win the ABA Championship – Yuta Tabuse not named MVP, outraged crowd riots.

Welcome back to Sarcastic Theater: GunBound

Apparently, everyone and their mom are playing GunBound.  Supposedly, this online game is better than life itself.  So, being the curious person that I am, I figured I might as well give this GunBound game a try.

So, I downloaded the game, logged onto the GunBound site, found a game server to play in aaaaaand…

DramamineBoy’s GunBound Statistics:

Number of game servers joined: 2

Number of games actually played: 1

Number of shots fired: 0

Number of deaths: 1

Amount of GP earned: 0

Number of times I was kicked out of the server (apparently for being inept): 2

Current ranking: 1,275,867

Wheeee… what a fun game.

I guess reading the directions BEFORE I tried to play might’ve been a good idea.  But heck, I couldn’t even FIND the directions.  I read the “How to Play” section on the GunBound website and it weaves a such a magical image of the game that you barely realize that they don’t tell you crap about how to actually play the game. 

For example, here’s GunBound’s “explanation” of what the game is all about (with a few interjections from yours truly):

For a long time, we have worked in the game industry, and have applied our creative talent into creating Mobiles that you have never seen in other shooting games.

Okay… my idea of a mobile:

Yeah, I gotta agree, I’ve never seen any of these in other shooting games.
 
With many unique types of armour, we open this game to you, so you can develop crafty and even sneaky! new strategies.

Alright, you get armor (THERE’S NO “U” IN “ARMOR” I TELL YOU!).  Not sure how armor makes you crafty and sneaky.  When I think of armor, I think of those Knights of the Round Table dudes and their suits of armor.  How crafty and sneaky do you think those guys were?  All clanking and squeaking and clomping around whenever they moved… yeah, good luck sneakin’ up on the enemy with a suit of armor on, pal.

I have to push the pram a loooooooooooot…

The Moondisk also changes the gravity on each map, making it necessary to re-calculate how the atmosphere will a re-calculate how the atmosphere will alter how you fire. It’s important to use your weapons well and adapt quickly, or you wil surely lose quickly!

This is intriguing… you have a lot of factors to take into account to be able to shoot accurately.  I’ve always wanted a game where you need a distinct knowledge of Newton’s Law of Universal Gravitation in order to play.

Each turn, you have a lot of different options available. You can shoot, or you can hide by burying yourself in the ground, like a bunker.

Wow… shoot or hide.  That’s a lot of different options alright.

All of these things make the game dynamic, and help the game come alive for players!

Come alive?  Hey, I like realistic-looking games.  So, I viewed a screenshot of the game and…

Wow… this is so realistic looking, I’d swear this picture was taken in my backyard… well, if my backyard was on fire after some sort of nuclear bombing and there were two pillars of lightning eminating from the depths of Hell.

Players can choose any mobile they want, dress their avatar in any fashion they choose, and enter the battle! And if you win, you may even receive bonus points, allowing you to dress in better clothes. Remember, winning is important, but you must also please the crowds, so dressing well also helps you are more money -”bad” players can win, but this does not mean they will get a lot of points!

So wait a minute… I gotta be some sort of a fashion guru to do well in this game?  I’ve never been into fashion, so I think I’m at a disadvantage already.  So let me get this straight… if I dress my avatar in clothing that might clash with my mobile, even if I judge my shots correctly after reading the gravitational pull of the Moondisk, the crowds would be displeased and I still would not receive any bonus points?

I have no frikkin’ idea what I just said in that last sentence.
 
After reading that description of GunBound, I still had no clue what the game was about.  So, for the benefit of all those people that don’t like descriptions that don’t describe what you want to know, here is:

Dramamine Boy’s Xanga’s Description of GunBound

 - You drive around a little car-thingy.

 - You try to destroy other people’s little car-thingys before they destroy your little car-thingy.

The end.

Thus ends Dramamine Boy’s Xanga’s Description of GunBound

Wait a minute… that description sounds awfully familiar.  Where have I heard of this game before?  Wheeeeere oh wheeeeere…

IT’S COMBAT!  What a ripoff!  NO WONDER they wouldn’t explain their “unique” little game!  Just wait until the block Atari 2600 lawyers get a hold of this one.  They’ll get their block subpoenas and have the GunBound people quaking in their block boots!

Anyway, after looking around the GunBound website some more, I still didn’t find any information on how to play.  I figured it’d be just like other online games and heck, I play Counter-Strike, so it can’t be THAT hard to figure out this silly game.  I’ll just jump right in and play.

Attempt #1: Joined a game server, occupied a slot and waited for the game to start.  After a couple of minutes, I got kicked out.

That was enjoyable.

Attempt #2: Joined a game server, occupied a slot and waited for the game to start.  The game starts!  Woohoo, actual game action is occurring!  It’s my turn first.  Crap, I was hoping someone else would be first, so I could watch them to figure out what to do.  Okay… how do I shoot?  How do I aim?  I’m clicking my mouse buttons, turning the mouse wheel, using the “WASD” buttons on my keyboard with no results.  What’s this clock in the corner?

*bzzzzzzzz*… time’s up.

Okay, so I missed my turn.  Now, everyone else decides it’s “kick the crap out of Dram” time.  Surprisingly, I survive the first round and it’s my turn again…

How do I shoot?  How do I aim?  I’m clicking the mouse buttons, frantically hitting all sorts of keys on my keyboard and suddenly, my little car-thingy moves.  So, I decide to move my car-thingy around the map a little… wheee-

*bzzzzzzzz*… time’s up.

CRAP!  I missed my turn again!  Another guy drives right up to me and blammo… my little car-thingy is now a little burnt-up pile of rubble-thingy.

I think I’m dead.

The game goes on for another few minutes, then ends and brings everyone back to the game server screen.  For some reason, my game server screen turns black, so I can’t see the buttons to get me back into the next game.  About a minute later, I get kicked out.

Oh what a fun time that was.  I sure am glad I downloaded this game.

So, everyone go play GunBound.  As you can tell, it’s the best game ever. 

It’s a laugh a minute. 

Seriously. 

Wheeeee.

Dram Goes to The Oscars*

* If “goes to” means watching it on TV

What the heck was that!?!  The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers The Return of the King (oops, oh yeah… heh) won ELEVEN awards!?!  It wasn’t even the best movie in the Lord of the Rings trilogy!  I can understand that they weren’t really giving out the awards to just that one movie, but were basing it on the entire trilogy.  But if that was the case, why didn’t the Academy also pay tribute a few years ago to the fantastic acting in the Rambo trilogy?

“Rambo, you not expendable”

The Two Towers The Return of the King (doh) won so many awards, I started to root against them.  I felt like I was rooting for the Yankees.  Geez, it got so bad, they started making up categories for them to win.  Best Hobbit Film Directed By A Fat Guy?

Eat this, Eastwood!

What a shock… personally, I didn’t think Mystic River had a chance in that category.

Halfway through the show, I started to wonder… why didn’t they just make it totally silly and have LotR win ALL the awards?  I’m sure if they were nominated for the other categories, they would’ve won those as well.  Let’s run down the awards they didn’t win:

Best Foreign Language Film: Is elvish NOT A FOREIGN LANGUAGE!?!

Best Animated Film: What, CGI doesn’t count as animation?

Best Documentary: W-wha… what are you trying to say… that The Lord of the Rings isn’t r-r-real?

Best Sound Editing: It’s time for the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Interactive Game!  Here’s your chance to insert your own joke here! (read: I couldn’t think of one myself)  The best line gets added to the blog right here!

The winner… KittyKat7!

Dude, of course Lotr should have won that award too! I mean think of lotr without sound editing-

Aragorn: *swords clanging* And now I will kill you evil Orc!

Orc: *sword clangs* WHAT?!

Aragorn: *clang clang, yells in background* I said I will KILL you!

Orc: *clang, shouts, screeching dragon-birds* WHAT?! OH FORGET IT, I’LL JUST TRIP AND DIE! *stumble, death*

Best Cinematography: This was won by Master and Commander.  Okay, let’s compare the two films…

 - Lord of the Rings - Filming grand landscapes, epic battle scenes and gripping dialogues between multiple races.

 - Master and Commander - Taking pictures of a couple of boats.

Yeah, whatever, Mr. Oscar.

Best Short Film: WHY DIDN’T THEY WIN THI… oh wait, I can understand this one.

Best Actor, Actress, Supporting Actor, Supporting Actress: Lord of the Rings had about eleventy bajillion** different characters and NONE of them got nominated in any of these categories?  Well, I think this is the fault of J.R.R. Tolkien and his idea to have all those different characters with similar names, like I said in my LotR review.  If I couldn’t keep track of who was who, how do you expect the Oscar voters to!?!

** Remember… eleventy bajillion = a lot

The Last Samurai didn’t win crap!!  Ken Watanabe didn’t win Best Supporting Actor!?!  Just another example of The Man tryin’ to keep an asian samurai actor dude down.  Doggone asian discrimination, I tell you.  No, I didn’t see Mystic River, but how the heck could Tim Robbins do a better job than Ken Watanabe?  Dude… KATSUMOTO! There should be a separate wing in the Movie Hall of Fame for that performance!

And why did they keep showing Ken Watanabe after he lost?  Just to shove it in his face that he got ripped out of an Oscar?  Not only did they show him while Tim Robbins was giving his acceptance speech, but also throughout the rest of the night. Award after award, people were walking past him up to the stage to accept their Oscar and there’s Ken Watanabe, smiling and clapping politely, thinking to himself, “I could act circles around that bozo”.

As for the acceptance speeches, I’m not a big fan of them.  I’ll listen to these speeches under the following circumstances:

1. If they’re funny
2. If they’re funny even though they’re trying to be serious
3. If they contain uncontrollable bursts of emotion that you can laugh at
4. If they contain some sort of embarassing moment

If they go on and on thanking a billion people I don’t know and then telling inside jokes to millions of viewers that only four of their friends would understand, I’m changing the channel.  And since The Phantom Menace was on Fox, at least I had something to change to.  For example…

“I’d like to thank Murray Bozinsky and Gern Blanston and to the gang down at Freddie’s, we’ll be sinking a few bonnies when I get back!  I’d also like to thank-”

*click*

“Meesa Jar Jar Binks!”

*click*

5. If there’s a scene on another station that involves frikkin’ Jar Jar Binks

You know what I wanna see?  I wanna see the presenters introduce the nominees, they put all the nominees on the screen and when they announce the winner, one of the people that didn’t win just loses it.  I wanna see them yell “WHAAAAT!?!” or kick the chair of the person in front of them or bolt out of their seat, rip off their tie or necklace and throw it on the floor.  Everytime they announce a winner, I hope that this will happen.  I’m pretty disappointed that my persistence has not been rewarded.

I guess the closest thing I’ll ever get to that was Bill Murray’s face when they announced the Best Actor award.  It just screamed, “I JUST LOST TO SPICOLI!?!”.

Whoooooooa… I just won an Oscar?  ALRIGHT HAMILTON!

Welp, that’s about all I can comment on.  I would’ve commented on everything that was on the show, but I missed a bunch of this year’s Academy Awards show cuz the recap of the Best Songs category put me to sleep.

Hey, if you’re gonna play music from the movies all in a row, TELL ME AHEAD OF TIME so I can go get some food or wax my car or something.  That had to be the slowest television ever.  TWO SONGS from Cold Mountain?  IN A ROW!?!  And my, what cheery, upbeat songs those were!

And what the heck was that instrument that Sting was playing?  Was he turning a crank at the end of that thing?  I was waiting for a monkey with a tin cup to start hopping around the audience asking for change.

Oh well… if anyone has a copy of the Oscars they want to send me, I’ll watch the rest of it and rip on… uh, comment on some more Oscar stuff in a future Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blog.  I’ll just have to remember to fast forward through the music part.

Alright… since I haven’t blogged about the staff here at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga in awhile, I’m sure there’ll be a few out there that will be confused after reading this blog (well, everyone will be confused, just some more than others).  So, if you’re relatively new here, you might want to click on a few of those links below if you have no idea what I’m talkin’ about.

Okay, on with the blog!

It’s that time of the year for everyone to give out awards… the Golden Globes, the Grammys, etc. and Dramamine Boy’s Xanga is no different!  As part of the strike agreement with C.H.I.L.D., Dramamine Boy’s Xanga now presents the first annual Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Awards Show, better known as the Drammys!

It’s thrilling!  It’s exciting!  It’s a whole heck of a lot of money I’m forced to spend on these frikkin’ employees instead of DirecTV for myself!

Yes, that’s right, we have gathered the finest celebrities of music, stage and screen… that our twelve dollar and fifty-seven cent budget could get us.  So, without futher delay, presenting our first award are two icons from the music industry, one of the Yatta! guys and one of the dudes from Right Said Fred!

Right Said Fred Dude: Well Yatta guy, we’re here to give away the award for the most valuable Dramamine Boy’s Xanga employee.  I must say, I dunno why we’re here… we’re obviously too sexy for this show.

Yatta! Guy: …

Right Said Fred Dude: psst… your line.  Read the cue card.

Yatta! Guy: Sorry… no english.

Right Said Fred Dude: Bloody hell… I’ll do it myself then, ya foreigner.  Nice leaf, by the way.  The Drammy goes to… Kimberly!

Kimberly is in charge of organizing a lot of the final content you see here on Dramamine Boy’s Xanga.  Unfortunately, she couldn’t be here tonight, since she’s putting this blog together as we speak.

To present the next Drammy, here’s Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez!

Ben: “What the… who’s stupid idea was it to pair us together!?!”

JLo: “It certainly wasn’t mine!”

Ben: “Now see, what’s that supposed to mean?”

JLo: “It means that you better step off before I take this shoe and shove it right up yo-”

Whoa… good thing I installed that five second delay on my blog transmissions after witnessing that Super Bowl fiasco.  I guess I’ll have to do this award myself, which is fine, since it’s my favorite one. 

The winner of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga’s most useless employee is…

Skippy!  Skippy isn’t his real name, it’s some really long name I can’t pronounce.  Skippy was put in charge of spell checking Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blogs and as you can tell by his sign he made during the strike, he wasn’t spell checker for long.  So, we just keep him around doing menial tasks, cuz you know… I’m a nice guy.

Anyway, he got the name Skippy after he missed a few grammatical errors in a Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blog, making me look like a dolt.  So, we took him bowling and I dropped a bowling ball on his foot.

Skippy is also a New York Yankee fan and hates the 80′s.

Nobody around here really likes Skippy very much.

To present the award for most popular employee, here’s the kid from The Courtship of Eddie’s Father and some guy we pulled off the street cuz we ran out of money for presenters.

Eddie: Well, it certainly is-

Some guy off the street: YEEEEEAAAAAAAH!  I can’t believe this!  Just a few minutes ago, I was walkin’ around outside and the next thing ya know, I’m on TV with Opie!

Eddie: This isn’t TV, it’s the internet.  AND I’M NOT OPIE!

Some guy off the street: The internet?  SAAA-WEET!  The internet RULES, Opie!

Eddie: sigh… whatever.  Anyway, the most popular Dramamine Boy’s Xanga employee award go-

Some guy off the street: GOES TO CHUCKIE!  I GOT TO SAY IT BEFORE YOU DID, OPIE!  YES!  I AM SOOOO STOKED!

… hey, who’s Chuckie?  Isn’t he that doll that has cool clothes and that sweet ride and hangs around Barbie?

Eddie: That’s Ken, you moron.  Chuckie couldn’t be here tonight, due to a prior, uh… detainment.  But we have a taped message from him…

“Chuckie want to thank Mr. Cowbaybon for making Chuckie famous and number one worker!  Chuckie like Mr. Cowbaybon very much, even tho’ he no give Chuckie tip after Chuckie drive him everywhere!”

Well, that does it for the awards.  And now, tonight’s musical entertainment… a tribute to Milli Vanilli as performed by… Vanilla Ice!

Girl you know it’s true… ooooo, ooooo…

Yo, where’d everyone go?

Hello?

Anyone?

VIP?

Doggone it… I hate the Yankees.

For those of you not following baseball, the New York Yankees just traded for Alex Rodriguez, last year’s American League Most Valuable Player.  The Yankees have assembled a team that could go down as one of the greatest in history.  They didn’t do it by cultivating talent through their minor league system.  Instead, they did what they always do… they went out and spent more money than any other team could afford to steal all the good players.

Why do people keep rooting for this team?  They just go out and get whatever they want… what’s the fun of that!?!  It’s like rooting for the spoiled little rich kid in school!

Okay Timmy, you can turn around and look now… HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

But you can’t even get any measure of satisfaction by beating up the Yankees and taking their milk money like you could the spoiled little rich kid.  And no, it’s not jealousy!… well, okay, maybe it is.  Much like the Yankee fans out there glowing about their super-team, I guess I’d think the spoiled little rich kid was pretty doggone cool if he took me to my little league game in his jet.

People are saying that this is bad for baseball.  I wouldn’t go that far.  I mean, ya can’t fault the Yankees for getting all the top talent if they can afford to do it.  What, are they gonna only spend half of their money to make it fair for everyone else?  No, they’re gonna go out and make the best team possible.  So, while the Milwaukee Brewers are contemplating how much money they would save if they went from salted peanuts to unsalted, the Yankees are spending eleventy bajillion dollars* on their roster.

* Dramamine Boy’s Xanga estimated salary figure.  Eleventy bajillion = a lot.

And that’s another thing.  How fun will this season be for the fans of the teams that have no chance of winning this year?  As a fan of the Baltimore Orioles, I have no reason for optimism. The Yankees are gonna kick the crap out of my team.  It’s like rooting for a guy named Cooter in a Mensa debate.

“The measure of energy in general relativity (GR) is inherently ambiguous owing to contribution of gravitational field energy. The remarkable feature of GR is that its contribution is automatically taken care of by the curvature of space and hence remains generally hidden in the usual considerations… come back, good buddy.”

There are those that say, “Hey, the season hasn’t even started yet!  ANYTHING could happen between now and the World Series to prevent the Yankees from winning”.

I say to those people… WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING!?!  Here’s a list of the things that need to happen in order for the Yankees to not win the World Series:

• The next Ice Age shows up a few million years early in New York, forcing the Yankees to forfeit all their home games.

• Owner George Steinbrenner goes insane (well, more insane than he currently is) and trades his entire team for a box of rocks and a Mr. Deeds DVD.

• Rabid gerbils attack Bernie Williams in mid-September.  During game seven of the League Championship Series, a ball is hit to Bernie, who suddenly starts clucking like a chicken, letting the ball fall to the ground and allowing the winning run to score.

• Bananarama decides to reform and tour the world.  “We’ll begin our tour at the Yankees World Series celebration”, states original member Siobahn Fahey.  Humanitarian groups around the world pressure Major League Baseball and the World Series is never played.

Let’s take a look at the probable batting lineup for the 2004 Yankees:

Kenny Lofton CF
Derek Jeter SS
Jason Giambi 1B
Alex Rodriguez 3B
Gary Sheffield RF
Bernie Williams DH
Hideki Matsui LF
Jorge Posada C
?? 2B

I dunno who they have playing second base.  Enrique Wilson?  Miguel Cairo?  Homer Bush?  Mike Lamb?  Who the heck cares!?!  They could put a badger out there at second base and still win. 

Jeter… flips to Badger… over to Giambi… double play!

Geez, I could play second base for the Yankees (although I would purposely mess up and start hitting random players in the shins with my bat)!  Or, even better…

Stadium Announcer: Attention please, will the person sitting in section 34, row D, seat 3 please report to the front office.  You’ve been chosen to play second base today!

Doggone it, this makes me not even want to watch the season unfold… someone call me when the baseball season is over.  Instead, I’ll be busy following what will be the greatest story ever… the remarkable 2004 season of the Yokohama BayStars!

No, Valentine’s Day doesn’t bum me out, but this is a pretty accurate number of valentines that will be gracing my mailbox today.

Regular blog to follow!… eventually… like, later today… or tomorrow… or something…

And Charlie Brown rules.