March 15, 2004

• Welcome back to Sarcastic Theater: GunBound

  
  

  

  
  

  Apparently, everyone and their mom are playing GunBound.  Supposedly, this online game is better than life itself.  So, being the curious person that I am, I figured I might as well give this GunBound game a try.

  
  

  So, I downloaded the game, logged onto the GunBound site, found a game server to play in aaaaaand…

  
  

  DramamineBoy’s GunBound Statistics:

  
  

  Number of game servers joined: 2

  
  

  Number of games actually played: 1

  
  

  Number of shots fired: 0

  
  

  Number of deaths: 1

  
  

  Amount of GP earned: 0

  
  

  Number of times I was kicked out of the server (apparently for being inept): 2

  
  

  Current ranking: 1,275,867

  
  
  
  

  Wheeee… what a fun game.

  
  
  

  I guess reading the directions BEFORE I tried to play might’ve been a good idea.  But heck, I couldn’t even FIND the directions.  I read the “How to Play” section on the GunBound website and it weaves a such a magical image of the game that you barely realize that they don’t tell you crap about how to actually play the game. 

  
  

  For example, here’s GunBound’s “explanation” of what the game is all about (with a few interjections from yours truly):

  
  

  For a long time, we have worked in the game industry, and have applied our creative talent into creating Mobiles that you have never seen in other shooting games.

  
  

  Okay… my idea of a mobile:

  
  

  

  
  

  Yeah, I gotta agree, I’ve never seen any of these in other shooting games.
   
  With many unique types of armour, we open this game to you, so you can develop crafty and even sneaky! new strategies.

  
  

  Alright, you get armor (THERE’S NO “U” IN “ARMOR” I TELL YOU!).  Not sure how armor makes you crafty and sneaky.  When I think of armor, I think of those Knights of the Round Table dudes and their suits of armor.  How crafty and sneaky do you think those guys were?  All clanking and squeaking and clomping around whenever they moved… yeah, good luck sneakin’ up on the enemy with a suit of armor on, pal.

  
  

  

  
  

  I have to push the pram a loooooooooooot…

  
  

  The Moondisk also changes the gravity on each map, making it necessary to re-calculate how the atmosphere will a re-calculate how the atmosphere will alter how you fire. It’s important to use your weapons well and adapt quickly, or you wil surely lose quickly!

  
  

  This is intriguing… you have a lot of factors to take into account to be able to shoot accurately.  I’ve always wanted a game where you need a distinct knowledge of Newton’s Law of Universal Gravitation in order to play.

  
  

  Each turn, you have a lot of different options available. You can shoot, or you can hide by burying yourself in the ground, like a bunker.

  
  

  Wow… shoot or hide.  That’s a lot of different options alright.

  
  

  All of these things make the game dynamic, and help the game come alive for players!

  
  

  Come alive?  Hey, I like realistic-looking games.  So, I viewed a screenshot of the game and…

  
  

  

  
  

  Wow… this is so realistic looking, I’d swear this picture was taken in my backyard… well, if my backyard was on fire after some sort of nuclear bombing and there were two pillars of lightning eminating from the depths of Hell.

  
  

  Players can choose any mobile they want, dress their avatar in any fashion they choose, and enter the battle! And if you win, you may even receive bonus points, allowing you to dress in better clothes. Remember, winning is important, but you must also please the crowds, so dressing well also helps you are more money -”bad” players can win, but this does not mean they will get a lot of points!

  
  

  So wait a minute… I gotta be some sort of a fashion guru to do well in this game?  I’ve never been into fashion, so I think I’m at a disadvantage already.  So let me get this straight… if I dress my avatar in clothing that might clash with my mobile, even if I judge my shots correctly after reading the gravitational pull of the Moondisk, the crowds would be displeased and I still would not receive any bonus points?

  
  

  I have no frikkin’ idea what I just said in that last sentence.
   
  After reading that description of GunBound, I still had no clue what the game was about.  So, for the benefit of all those people that don’t like descriptions that don’t describe what you want to know, here is:

  
  

  Dramamine Boy’s Xanga’s Description of GunBound

  
  

   - You drive around a little car-thingy.

  
  

   - You try to destroy other people’s little car-thingys before they destroy your little car-thingy.

  
  

  The end.

  
  

  Thus ends Dramamine Boy’s Xanga’s Description of GunBound

  
  

  Wait a minute… that description sounds awfully familiar.  Where have I heard of this game before?  Wheeeeere oh wheeeeere…

  
  

  

  
  

  IT’S COMBAT!  What a ripoff!  NO WONDER they wouldn’t explain their “unique” little game!  Just wait until the block Atari 2600 lawyers get a hold of this one.  They’ll get their block subpoenas and have the GunBound people quaking in their block boots!

  
  

  Anyway, after looking around the GunBound website some more, I still didn’t find any information on how to play.  I figured it’d be just like other online games and heck, I play Counter-Strike, so it can’t be THAT hard to figure out this silly game.  I’ll just jump right in and play.

  
  

  Attempt #1: Joined a game server, occupied a slot and waited for the game to start.  After a couple of minutes, I got kicked out.

  
  

  That was enjoyable.

  
  

  Attempt #2: Joined a game server, occupied a slot and waited for the game to start.  The game starts!  Woohoo, actual game action is occurring!  It’s my turn first.  Crap, I was hoping someone else would be first, so I could watch them to figure out what to do.  Okay… how do I shoot?  How do I aim?  I’m clicking my mouse buttons, turning the mouse wheel, using the “WASD” buttons on my keyboard with no results.  What’s this clock in the corner?

  
  

  *bzzzzzzzz*… time’s up.

  
  

  Okay, so I missed my turn.  Now, everyone else decides it’s “kick the crap out of Dram” time.  Surprisingly, I survive the first round and it’s my turn again…

  
  

  How do I shoot?  How do I aim?  I’m clicking the mouse buttons, frantically hitting all sorts of keys on my keyboard and suddenly, my little car-thingy moves.  So, I decide to move my car-thingy around the map a little… wheee-

  
  

  *bzzzzzzzz*… time’s up.

  
  

  CRAP!  I missed my turn again!  Another guy drives right up to me and blammo… my little car-thingy is now a little burnt-up pile of rubble-thingy.

  
  

  I think I’m dead.

  
  

  The game goes on for another few minutes, then ends and brings everyone back to the game server screen.  For some reason, my game server screen turns black, so I can’t see the buttons to get me back into the next game.  About a minute later, I get kicked out.

  
  

  Oh what a fun time that was.  I sure am glad I downloaded this game.

  
  

  So, everyone go play GunBound.  As you can tell, it’s the best game ever. 

  
  

  It’s a laugh a minute. 

  
  
  
  

  Seriously. 

  
  
  
  

  Wheeeee.

  • 2:10 am
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