If I was that guy, I'd be putting "Judo School" all over my car, so everyone could see it.  I'd put a mirror image on the front of my car, just like the ambulances, so people in front of me could read it and get out of my way!

What would YOU do if you saw this coming up behind you!?!
 
This kinda reminds me of those Baby on Board signs... what happened to those things anyway?  For those of you too young to remember (and that will probably be a lot of people), people started hanging these in their car windows:
 

 
When the other drivers saw this sign, they would make sure to drive carefully around that car.  They wouldn't tailgate and would forgive the person for driving slow, since they have a delicate baby in their car. 

Personally, I thought it was a good way to get away with driving 30 mph on the freeway.
 
What I wanted to do was, put a Baby on Board sign in all my back windows and hook a baby mannequin up to some wires in the back seat.  Then, I'd drive around like a maniac and whenever I made a sharp lane change, the baby would fling through the air in the back, smashing into the windows for everyone behind me to see.
 
But alas, this never happened.
 
What happened to these Baby on Board signs?  I never see them anymore.  Did it get to the point where people didn't care if you had a baby in your car?  Were baby-haters purposely trying to drive these cars off the road or something?  This is keeping me up at night.  
 
Anyway, I started thinkin'... there's gotta be some other signs I could put on my car that would ensure that I could rule the road, right?  So, I thought I'd throw a few out there for your consideration:
 

So, it looks like I'll be deleting some of these songs off of my hard drive... cuz I like having friends.

Alrighty, after reading Ben's blog about his NCAA basketball tournament picks, I thought it would be a good idea to do my own predictions,  Then, we could take the next couple of weeks comparing results.  But, I didn't even start this blog until just before the play-in game (Niagara vs. Florida A&M), so I was behind from the beginning.

And then, there was that huge flood in California.  I'm sure you know about it... it was in all the papers.  My house was completely under water.  So, I couldn't finish this blog.  You know how hard it is to type while in scuba gear?  Not an easy task, I'm tellin' ya.

So, it's incomplete.  And it has no ending.  And I only went through the first round.  And heck, I didn't even make fun of painstakenly research each team.  But, since there hasn't been a Dramamine Boy's Xanga post in awhile and seeing how the final NCAA game is tomorrow, I might as well post what there is.  And it's not like I can let it sit on my hard drive so I can use it later.  So... here ya go!

Usually when I do these NCAA pools, I do pretty well the first couple of days.  But, things start to fall apart somewhere in the second round and by the time the Final Four rolls around, instead of counting the dollars that might be rolling in, I'm counting down the days until baseball starts.

So this year, I thought I'd take a little different approach to picking my teams.  Instead of using stuff like... logic... I'm gonna read the names of the two teams, write down the first thing that pops into my head for each one and then decide on the winner based on how much cooler one of those things are compared to the other.  Seeing how this method uses about zero basketball knowledge, I think this will be my best showing ever!

And since the Cal Bears aren't in the tournament, they won't mess up my bracket when I pick them to go one or two rounds longer than they actually do.

West Bracket

Play-in Game: Niagara beats Florida A&M - When I think of Niagara, I think of the Three Stooges.  Am I the only one that thinks this?  When someone mentions Niagara Falls to the Three Stooges, they utter, "Niagara Fallllls... slowly I turned... step by step... inch by inch" and then they kick the crap out of some flunkie.  So, Niagara will kick the crap out of Florida A&M (and totally ignore that this game has already happened).

See how this works?  Okay, let's keep going...
 
(1st seed) Kansas beats (16th seed) Niagara - Kansas knows the counter-technique to the Three Stooges Double-Eye Poke, so Niagara has no chance.
 


Quick, get your hand up!
 
(8) Kentucky beats (9) Villanova - Everyone seems to think that Kentucky coach Tubby Smith sucks, his team isn't very good, he's produced under-achieving teams for years and the Kentucky fans want him fired.  So, that's why I'm picking his team to win.  Poor Tubby Smith.  Lay off the guy.  He's had a tough life.  Seriously, what kind of parents name their kid Tubby?
 
Mean parents, that's what kind.
 
(5) Virginia Tech vs. (12) Illinois
 
(13) Holy Cross beats (4) Southern Illinois - Holy Cross!  How can you bet against a team called Holy Cross!?!  It's like they're on a mission from God!  Hey, I saw The Blues Brothers!  I know what can happen!
 
(6) Duke vs. (11) VCU
 
(3) Pittsburgh beats (14) Wright State - Wright State?  Who is Wright State named after?  Orville Wright?  Frank Lloyd Wright?  Steven Wright?  I couldn't think of anyone named Wright that would be up to the task to defeat Pittsburgh.  Now, if Pitt was playing Jason Voorhees University, on the other hand...
 
(10) Gonzaga beats (7) Indiana - Gonzaga sounds like either an Italian dish or a rare disease and I can't figure out which.  "Mmmmmm, hot, fresh gonzaga!" or "Oh no, I've contracted gonzaga!".
 
Not sure what this has to do with basketball, but we need Gonzaga to stick around until I can figure this out.
 
(2) UCLA beats (15) Weber State - Dick Weber, Hall of Fame bowler.  Or, Myron Weber, inventor of the Weber Grill.  Much like Wright State, Weber State doesn't have the name power to beat UCLA.
 
Actually, I have no idea who invented the Weber Grill, but Myron Weber sounds about right.
 
 
 
Midwest Bracket

(1) Florida beats (16) Jackson State - While Tito could probably contain Joakim Noah, Michael's horrible basketball skills displayed in his "Jam" video spells doom for Jackson State.

Even if they let LaToya play.

This one won't be a "Thriller".

There will be no "Victory Tour" for Jackson State.

Randy's solo album had more time in the limelight than Jackson State will in this tournament.

All participants are over the age of 18.

No llamas allowed.

Take my wife, please.

(9) Purdue beats (8) Arizona - Former Xanga blogger Bill went to Purdue.  So... Purdue it is.  Even though Arizona is one of my friend's favorite songs by the Scorpions.

(5) Butler beats (12) Old Dominion - When I think of Butler, I think of Alfred, Bruce Wayne's loyal servant.  He was the best... well, the TV Alfred, not Michael Caine or whoever the heck was the butler for Michael Keaton.  I could care less about them.

Old Dominion is just... old.  What's with the name?  Old Dominion sounds so out-dated and obsolete.  Why wouldn't the school change their name?  New Dominion would be the obvious choice, but better yet, how about Uber Dominion?  Everyone would want to go to Uber Dominion!  Heck, I'd go there just so I could get a t-shirt!

And change that "Monarchs" nickname while you're at it.  Something like... the Dominators!  Or the Intimidators!  The Uber Dominion University Intimidators!  They could beat teams just with their intimidating name!  Even though those nicknames didn't do Charlie Sheen much good in Major League II.

But instead, they're Old Dominion, so they'll lose.

(4) Maryland beats (13) Davidson - John Davidson, host of That's Incredible!  Or was it Real People... whatever, Maryland beats an 80's TV show host any day.

Yes, even Bob Barker.

(6) Notre Dame beats (11) Winthrop - Rudy vs. Dan Aykroyd's character from Trading Places.  Oh wait, that's Winthorpe.  Whatever... close enough.

After the Rudy movie came out, Notre Dame should've passed a rule that every one of their sports teams should be required to have a short, crappy player on their roster.  Football, basketball, lacrosse, men's, women's... all of 'em.  That way, if Notre Dame was losing by a lot, they could put the crappy player in the game and the crowd would get all excited and chant, "RUUUDY!  RUUUDY!", keeping that valuable school spirit alive!

That kid should also have to change their name to Rudy.  Hey, that's the price for fame.

(3) Oregon vs. (14) Miami - OH

(7) UNLV vs. (10) Georgia Tech

(2) Wisconsin vs. (15) Texas A&M - CC - I've already commented on this game on Ben's blog, so go there if you want to see what pearls of wisdom I had for this one.
 
 
 
East Bracket

(1) North Carolina vs. (16) Eastern Kentucky

(8) Marquette vs. (9) Michigan State - I couldn't really think of anything to say about either team, so the winner of this game is... CAL!  That's right!  The Cal Bears!  Who cares if they weren't even invited to this tournament!  They'll find a way to win this game!

(12) Arkansas beats (5) USC - Ever watch a USC football game and whenever USC does something even remotely good, their band plays that song?  So, you end up hearing that song like 300 times a game?

First down!  Daaaaaaah... da-da-da da da da da-da daaaaaaaaah!
Two yard gain!  Daaaaaaah... da-da-da da da da da-da daaaaaaaaah!
Someone refilled the Gatorade jug!  Daaaaaaah... da-da-da da da da da-da daaaaaaaaah!

Yeah... I hate that song.  And thus, I hate USC.

Do USC alums play this song whenever they do something good at work?  Like, they have a wav file of that song on their computer that they can play over and over?  For example, you're working in your cubicle and in the next cubicle over, you hear:

"I just closed the Patel account!"  Daaaaaaah... da-da-da da da da da-da daaaaaaaaah!
"This electric pencil sharpener rules!"  Daaaaaaah... da-da-da da da da da-da daaaaaaaaah!
"I got the last cherry-filled donut!"  Daaaaaaah... da-da-da da da da da-da daaaaaaaaah!

This kind of stuff keeps me up at night.

(4) Texas beats (13) New Mexico State - This should actually be Kevin Durant beats New Mexico State.  Texas should change their name to Kevin Durant University.  And all the players would have Kevin Durant University on the front of their jerseys.  Except for Kevin Durant, who would have Me University on his.

(11) George Washington beats (6) Vanderbilt - Women's fashion designer vs. the father of our country.  I think George could beat Gloria in basketball even though basketball wasn't invented when he was alive.  I mean, he's not only money... he's ON money!

(3) Washington State vs. (14) Oral Roberts - Until I tune in to Oral Roberts' TV show and see him spin-move around his choir and post-up one of his altar boys, I'm goin' with Washington State on this one.

(7) Boston College vs. (10) Texas Tech

(2) Georgetown vs. (15) Belmont
 
 
 
South Bracket

(1) Ohio State beats (16) Central Conn State - Central.  Connecticut.  State?  Who the heck is that?  I watch a decent amount of college basketball and I've never heard of Central Connecticut State.  Do people in Connecticut even know where Central Connecticut State is?  Although, if I had to guess, it's probably somewhere in the middle of Connecticut.

Why do they even need "Central" in their name?  Since they're in the middle, shouldn't they just be Connecticut State?  Then, all of the other State Universities could still be North, South, East and West.

I don't know where I'm going with this... but that "Central" part bugs me, so they'll lose.

(9) Xavier beats (8) BYU - Xavier's starting five: Cyclops, Wolverine, Iceman, Beast and Colossus.  I don't even need to see BYU's players, there's no way they're beating Xavier.

Why doesn't Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Children have basketball teams?  THEY WOULD RULE!  Men's AND women's!  Who's gonna beat them?  The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants don't even have a campus!

(5) Tennessee vs. (12) Long Beach State

(13) Albany beats (4) Virginia - Hey, my shop is in Albany!  Sure, it's Albany, California and not Albany, wherever-the-heck-their-university-is, but still!  Everyone here can run around outside yelling, "ALBANY'S IN THE NCAA TOURNAMENT!  WOOHOO!" and after the game, "ALBANY BEAT VIRGINIA!!"
 
Then, everyone here should come in to the shop and buy stuff.
 
(6) Louisville beats (11) Stanford - Cal fan = Stanford hater.  So, I'm rooting for a final score of Louisville 402, Stanford 0 and hopefully, a light fixture will fall from the roof and hit Stanford coach Trent Johnson in the head, causing him to sing songs from the musical Annie in the middle of the game.  Anything less will be disappointing.



Don't worry Trent, the sun will come out... tomorrow!

(3) Texas A&M beats (14) Pennsylvania - Oh sure, these Ivy League kids are smart and one day, the Texas A&M kids will be at work, asking these future Penn graduates if they would like to supersize for 39 cents more.

But hey, this is basketball.  No slide rules and protractors allowed.

Contrary to popular belief, I did not own a slide rule.  I barely missed out on the slide rule generation.  I never used one... although I did experiment on an abacus at one point.

I remember I had a hand-held calculator in the 5th grade.  "Hand-held" meaning it was bigger than my hand and about two or three inches thick. It could add, subtract, divide and multiply.  That's it.  None of those fancy-schmancy Memory keys or crap like that.  It could handle eight digits.  If you tried nine digits, it would give you a "E".  It had a red LED display and ate through batteries like they were candy.  It probably cost like 40 bucks back then.

"Memory!?!  Memorize it yourself!  What, you want me to do ALL the work!?!"

The one thing I remember the most about my calculator is the Shell Oil calculator trick.  I don't even remember the joke that accompanied it.  I just remember that you typed in 14215469 and multiplied it by 5.  The result spells out "Shell Oil" if you turned the calculator upside down.  That number has been ingrained in my head ever since.

I would then spend hours/days trying to figure out what other words I could spell with my calculator.  Then, I would try to figure out equations that would result in words that I could spell with my calculator. That probably didn't do wonders for my calculator's battery life... or my grades.

And I had a protractor with a french curve on it, but the only thing I would use it for would be to draw brontosauruses with the french curve.

OKAY!  Back to basketball!

(10) Creighton beats (7) Nevada - Creighton.  Just say it.  Creighton.  What a cool name.  Creiiiiiighton.  I have no idea where Creighton is.  I don't know why their school is called Creighton.  I don't know any player on Creighton's team.  But I'm picking them cuz they have a cool name.

Creighton.  Someone should name their kid Creighton.

Creiiiiiighton.

(2) Memphis beats (15) North Texas - North Texas hasn't been the same since Kathy Ireland stopped kicking field goals.

 
Family sticks together - I'm seven years old and we were playing a team that my cousin played on.  He hit a ball, made it to first and tried to stretch it into a double.  The ball was thrown to second and he was caught in a rundown, also called a "pickle" (stuck in between first and second base).
 
In normal baseball, the player with the ball would run at the baserunner and either tag him or he would throw the ball to the base he's running back to (in this case, first base) and then the first baseman would tag him out.  If the defense executes this play correctly, it takes maybe one or two throws.  If done incorrectly, the baserunner could be running back and forth for 1/2 an hour.
 
Needless to say, when you have a bunch of 7 to 10-year old kids out there, this type of play rarely takes one or two throws.  However, I had an ingenious idea.  As soon as I saw my cousin get in the rundown, I left my shortstop position and ran right at him, so I was basically standing right next to him.  I put my glove up asking for the ball.  My idea was, they could eliminate all this running and throwing and chasing by throwing me the ball and I could just reach over and tag my cousin.  See?  I AM SMART!
 
But, for some reason, my team didn't throw me the ball.  Maybe they were awe-struck by the revolutionary new idea I had.  Or, maybe they knew I sucked and would probably drop it, I don't know.  So, instead of my cousin running back and forth between two players, you had my cousin AND me both running back and forth between two players.  Back and forth we went for five or six throws, my cousin desperately bobbing and weaving to avoid getting tagged out, me bobbing and weaving right with him while waving my arms emphatically asking for the ball.
 
Apparently, this was the funniest moment of the season.
 

 
Doggone you Adam Sandler! - I'm probably in 5th grade or so and we had a game on a Saturday afternoon.  We show up early to set up the field and to warm up.  Warming up basically consists of tossing the ball around to loosen up the arm.  Two players would stand about twenty feet apart and they would throw the ball back and forth.  After a bit, they would lengthen the distance between them, resulting in longer throws.
 
This is what I was doing that sunny Saturday afternoon.  Since there's no runners to worry about, funny hops off the ground to deal with and no fly balls to lose in the sun... it's pretty easy to catch and throw, catch and throw.  A teammate and I were throwing the ball back and forth for about five minutes... I threw the ball to him.  He caught it and threw it back to me.  I put my glove up and...
 
I'm not sure what happened.  I think there was some sort of planetary gravitational shift or something.  I guess there could be a tiny, minute chance that it could be due to me being totally horrible at baseball.  Whatever the case, instead of the ball nestling in my glove like the hundreds of times before, it tipped off the top of my glove and hit me right smack in the forehead.  A big bump showed up on my forehead and everyone was worried enough that they took me to the hospital and I missed the game.
 
So yes, I got hurt and was taken to the hospital due to injuries occurring while WARMING UP BEFORE A GAME.
 
I mean really, this just sucked.  When a kid gets hurt during a game, the coach runs out there and the teammates gather around.  The kid usually gets up and everyone (including the kids and coaches on the other team) clap in support of the kid for toughing it out.
 
Heck, when I got hurt, the other team hadn't even showed up yet! 
 
Just like earlier Not So Great Moments In Dramamine Boy History entries, there is no photo or video evidence of this event.  So, we'll just have to do the best we can.
 
First, we need a profile picture:
 

Hey, that's a pretty decent profile... that should be on a nickel or something.
 
Okay, let's add a hat
 

and of course, we need a glove
 

There we go.  Aaaaaaand... action.

Merry Christmas everyone!... uh, yesterday.

Take Me Out of the Ballgame - When I was eleven, we had a good team and we qualified for the championship game.  It was the last inning and we were ahead by a run or two.  This is the time where champions step it up.  They want that ball hit to them, because they know they will make that play, no matter how difficult it may be.  They want to be the ones that take charge and lead their team to victory.
 
I was not one of those men.
 
As I was standing out there at shortstop, I believe the exact phrase going through my head was, "Please strike everyone out... please strike everyone out".  Sure enough, a ground ball was hit to me.  I put my glove down and whoosh... it went right under my glove, between my legs and into the outfield.
 
My dad, who was the coach at the time, decided that it might be a good idea to put someone out there that could actually catch the ball (and heck, how can you blame him).  So, he took me out of the game right there.  Yes, I was replaced, allowing me to walk off the field in shame IN THE MIDDLE OF AN INNING!  You don't see that happening to Derek Jeter, do you!?!
 
Then again, I guess you don't see Derek Jeter suck at fielding, either.
 
And yes, we ended up winning the game and the league championship.  With me on the bench.
 

The Art of the Steal - After a year of not playing baseball, my friends got me to play again.  After being terrible all those years, taking a year off amazingly didn't improve my baseball abilities.  Yet somehow, I found myself on first base.  I don't remember exactly how I got there.  I'm guessing it was the result of one of my patented "swinging bunts", where I swung as hard as I could, but I barely hit the ball, resulting in it dribbling about twenty feet away from home plate.  I would then run to first base before anybody could pick up the ball and throw me out.
 
So, here I am on first base.  For some reason, one of the coaches wasn't there, so we had another player acting as first base coach.  He told me to take a bigger lead, which means to stand further away from first base, giving the runner (me) an advantage to get to second.
 
Let us take time out for a bit of history...
 

In the younger leagues, the rules were that you couldn't steal a base.  I mean heck, it's hard enough for a 7-year-old kid to throw the ball from the pitcher's mound to home plate.  It'd take an 7-year-old on steroids to throw a kid out trying to steal second base.
 
Our team was in a higher division now, so stealing was allowed.  The year that I didn't play was the first year our team was in this division.  So, I pretty much missed all of the lessons about taking leads, how far away from the base you want to stand, how to tell when a pitcher will throw to first or pitch to the batter and most importantly, how to slide.  I knew none of these things.
 
Before the season started, me and my friends were playing baseball on our own.  I decided I'd try to slide into second base.  Heck, I've seen it done plenty of times on TV, how hard could it be?  So, I slid into second base... and I tore my pants and had a big raspberry on my thigh for three weeks.  I think it's safe to say that I didn't do it right.
 

Okay, back to live action!
 
Due to this lack of knowledge, I really didn't want to try to steal and I REALLY didn't want to slide.  Regardless, I took a step away from first and the teammate/first base coach whispered, "Further out", as if he wanted me to steal.  I'm not sure why he was whispering, since the first baseman was standing in between him and me.  I nervously took another step away.
 
"A little further", he whispered.  I took another step... then another 1/2 step.  By this time, I'm standing about half way to second base.  The pitcher turns and throws to first base.  I scramble back but get tagged out before I get anywhere near the base.  I walk back to the dugout and my team is wondering what the heck I was doing out there.
 
I told them that our teammate/first base coach told me to stand way out there, but they pretty much looked at me like I just told them I was part of the Goonies and I was searching for pirate treasure.  Doggone my teammates.
 
To the surprise of no one... my career total of stolen bases = 0
 

Pitching... by definition only - Having a left-handed pitcher is a valuable commodity for a successful baseball team.  Usually, left-handed batters have a hard time hitting against left-handed pitchers.  Same goes for right-handed batters/pitchers.  If you're a lefty and can consistently get right-handed batters out, you can go far in this game called "baseball".
 
However, having a left-handed pitcher that can't get the ball over the plate apparently isn't quite as valuable.  My pitching career lasted one game.  Actually, it lasted one inning.  As a matter of fact, I don't even think I finished that inning.
 
I was about nine years old.  There was a rule in our league that a pitcher could only walk one batter with the bases loaded.  After that, no other batter could walk until the bases were unloaded.  So, the pitcher could roll the ball to home plate and throw pitches at cars driving past the baseball diamond and the batter wouldn't get a walk.
 
Our team was winning something like 375-2, so my dad (who was coaching my team at the time) figured we had a safe enough lead to bring me in to see if I could pitch.  In my first pitching performance, I managed to get an out, but I gave up a couple of hits and then walked two batters in a row, walking in a run.  The next batter was one of my brother's friends and he wasn't very good.

Then again, neither was I.
 
If my memory serves me right, this at-bat lasted about... 1/2 an hour.  Pitches were flying all over the place with pretty much all of them out of the strike zone.  The batter was apparently good enough to lay off my pitches that just missed the plate by four or five feet.  Whenever I did get a pitch over the plate, the kid would swing feebly at it, but he would foul it off to stay alive.  On about the 75th pitch, I struck the kid out.  YAY ME!
 
I then proceeded to give up about 255 runs until my dad took me out of the game.
 

 
Thus ends part two of this three part saga.  As you can see, we are grasping higher and higher rungs on the Inept Ladder.  And yet, we haven't even come close to reaching the top.  And believe me, we'll be visiting the top and then some.
 
In our final part, we will delve into three baseball-related events that probably haven't happened elsewhere in the history of... well, the world.
 
Next time!  On Dramamine Boy's Xanga!