November 6, 2006

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  Now that I’ve successfully changed the question in your head from “Where the heck has Dram been the last ten months!?!” to “What the heck is up with these pictures!?!”, we can now proceed with the blog.

  First, an update on the power that is Yuta Tabuse:

  

  2002-03 Denver Nuggets record: 17 wins, 65 losses
  2003-04 Denver Nuggets with Yuta: 43 wins, 39 losses and made the playoffs!

  2003-04 Phoenix Suns record: 29 wins, 53 losses
  2004-05 Phoenix Suns with Yuta: 62 wins, 20 losses and made the playoffs!

  2004-05 Los Angeles Clippers record: 37 wins, 45 losses
  2005-06 Los Angeles Clippers with Yuta: 47-35 and made the playoffs!

  So, after getting cut by the Clippers, Yuta took his talents to the National Basketball Development League, sort of a minor league for the NBA.  He was drafted by the Albuquerque Thunderbirds… no doubt, with the number one pick.  And how did the Albuquerque Thunderbirds do with Yuta on their team?

  

  Why of course, they won the NBDL championship!

  So, not only has he turned three different crappy NBA teams into playoff-eligible teams just by being on the roster, but he’s also won an ABA and NBDL championship in the last three years, with an ABA second-place finish in the other year!

  However, a funny thing happened on the way to this year’s championship…

  March 16: ALBUQUERQUE
  Signed C Andreas Glyniadakiis. Waived G Yuta Tabuse.

  THEY CUT YUTA!?!

  What the heck!?!  No WONDER nobody watches the NBDL!  And who the crap is Andreas Glyinelakadakayakadis!?!

  Anyway, I’m sure you didn’t come here to read about Yuta Tabuse (although you really should, you know).  You came here to read a Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blog.  And what better way to re-start here at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga than to introduce a new segment, titled:

   

  Not-So-Great Moments in Shoplifting

  Owning a retail store has its advantages and disadvantages.  Obviously, one such disadvantage is dealing with shoplifters.  This disadvantage becomes even more pronounced when your clientele is mostly comprised of kids.  Especially smart-alecky, think they know-it-all kids.

  Now, the GOOD thing about having kids that think that they can steal stuff is… they’re dumb.  I mean, seriously, how often do you see kids act all smooth when they try to steal stuff?  These kids are the most nervous-looking people on the planet, so they’re usually pretty easy to spot as long as you’re paying attention.

  With this in mind, we now present our story…

  Before we moved our shop to its current location, we had a street fair once a year where they would close down the street.  They would have bands and food booths lining the street while people walk up and down the avenue.  It used to be the busiest day of the year by far, with ten to twenty people in our tiny store all day long.  Needless to say, it’s pretty tough to watch for shoplifters on this day.

  Anyway, we had a box of sports posters near our front door that customers could look through and pick out ones that they wanted.  A kid came in and hovered around the box of posters.  Here’s a picture to help you visualize my story:

   

  Now, this isn’t a picture of the actual kid, I got this pic off the internet.  Shoplifters usually don’t let you take their picture so they can be made fun of years later on Dramamine Boy’s Xanga.  But, this kid looks to be around the same age as the kid that came into the store, so that’ll do.

  Anyway, I keep watching this kid out of the corner of my eye while he looks over at me.  Now, looking over at me standing behind the counter isn’t very fishy.  Looking over at me standing behind the counter approximately 200 times in three minutes will make me a little suspicious.

  So, when it looks like I’m not paying attention, the kid quietly sneaks a poster out of the box and as he turns to walk out the door, I move over to him and say, “Hey, you need some help there, guy?”.  He abruptly turns around and moves right up to the counter that separates us, holding the poster low so I can’t see it.

  “Hi!”, he says, “No, I’m just lookin’ around… man, it sure is busy today!  There’s a lot of people in here!”

  I chit-chat with him a bit and he keeps talking for a couple of minutes, asking me questions and discussing sports, while keeping his hands well below the counter-top so I can’t see the poster in his hand.  He was very calm during the whole conversation… I gotta give him credit for that.  If it was me trying to steal something, I’d probably yell out something like, “WHAT!?!  HI!  NO!  NO HELP!  NOHELPFORMEOKAYTHANKSHAHAHAHA!”, while about three gallons of sweat pour off my head.

  “Well, I’m gonna go see what else you have here”, as he starts walking towards the back of the shop.  I figured he must’ve dropped the poster on the floor while we were talking and he wanted to distance himself from the evidence.  When he got out of ear-shot, I asked another kid that was standing nearby, “Hey, can you pick up the poster that’s laying on the floor, please?”.

  The kid turns around, looks down and says, “There’s no poster on the floor.”

  Okay, now I’m a little perplexed.  He didn’t have time to put the poster back in the box.  I KNOW I saw him take it out of the box.  I leaned far over the counter and sure enough, there’s no poster on the floor.

  “What the heck… where did that poster go?”, I say to myself as I turn towards the back of the shop to look for the kid.  At that time, the kid comes walking back towards me.  Except now, he looks a little different.  To again aid in the visualization of the story, here’s another picture:

  

   

  Let us all pause for a bit to let that last image sink in.

   

   

   

   

  Now… either:

  1) this kid suddenly grew a pointy hunchback in the last 30 seconds, or

  2) I’ve solved the mystery of the missing poster.

  So, this kid, still as cool as can be, starts chatting with me again.  He asks about who’s playing in the football game that was on our TV, what the score was, etc.  All the while, he has this new, pointy feature and he’s obviously oblivious to this fact.  How I didn’t start laughing in this kid’s face, I don’t know.

  “Okay man, I’m gonna go check out what’s goin’ on up the street!”, he says, as he starts walking out the door.

  “Hold on”, I reply, “you might wanna give me back that poster before you leave.”

  He turns around and opens his mouth like he’s about to try to talk his way out of it… and really, I would’ve LOVED to hear the denial or the excuse he was about to give.  But instead, he drops his shoulders (well, he drops only one of his shoulders, since his other one was hovering somewhere near the top of his head) and admits defeat as he pulls the poster out from under the back of his jacket.

  Usually, I’ll yell at the kid or threaten to call the police or their parents or something.  But heck, I wanted him to leave so I could make fun of him, so he handed over the poster and I let him walk out.

  The moral of the story is… heck, should there really be a moral of the story other than “DON’T FRIKKIN’ STEAL!”?  I guess we could make up another moral like… you need to be REALLY TALL in order to hide a poster under your jacket.

  • 2:11 am
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