It’s just like Deep Thoughts… except stupid.

Time for another cornucopia of random Dram thoughts!  Just like last time, this is a combination of blog ideas that are too short (or stupid) to have a blog of their own.  Ready?  Away we go!

I’ve seen a few people here on Xanga look back and post what they blogged about one year ago today.  So basically, they pass it off as their blog for the day, cheating their loyal readers out of an original blog.  Sounds like a good idea to me! 

Sherman, set the Way Back machine for December 5, 2002!

Here now, is the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blog posted exactly one year ago today!

Man… it’s just as relevant and thought-provoking today as it was back then.

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The neighborhood dog has been keeping me up at night with his barking and howling.  So I sprayed him with spot remover, but that just made him madder.

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Okay, the NBA season is underway and since I’m in a couple of NBA fantasy leagues, I was pouring through the NBA.com content and found out that…

Denver waives Yuta Tabuse.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo…

Yuta Tabuse is striving to be the first japanese player to play in the NBA.  Granted, we did have local product Rex Walters (he’s 1/2 japanese) in the NBA for seven years, but Tabuse would’ve been the first player from Japan. 

We interrupt this blog for a Dramamine Boy flashback:

I was coaching an 8th/9th grade level basketball team and we lost the semi-final game in the tournament to miss playing Rex Walters’ team.  Since we won the 3rd place game and the team that beat us got killed by Rex’s team, I wasn’t too broken up about not playing them in the finals.

End of flashback.  We now return you to our regularly scheduled blog.

I was just about to put down some big money on the Denver Nuggets to win the NBA championship and they go and do a stupid thing like this.  They’re NEVER gonna win now!

Here’s a pic of The Man trying to keep an asian balla down.  Doggone asian discrimination, I tell you.

I was ready to turn Dramamine Boy’s Xanga into the Yuta Tabuse Watch.  I would’ve created “The Yuta Line”, which would post his statistics from the previous game and have all sorts of stories and articles about his ground-breaking year.  Unfortunately, until someone in the NBA wises up and discovers that he’s the key to the NBA title, I’ll have to settle for:

 Today’s Yuta Line!

 

Minutes Played	Shots Made/Att	3-pointers Made/Att	Free Throws Made/Att	Rebounds	Assists	Steals	Blocks	Turnovers	Fouls	Points
0.0	0/0	0/0	0/0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0

Geez… that’s a pretty sparse line.  I’m gonna have to come up with some other statistics to reflect his current status:

 Today’s Bonus Yuta Line!

  

Minutes Watching NBA on TV	Resumes Sent/Rejected	Bills Received/Paid	Potato Chips Eaten	Lawns Mowed	Leaves Raked	DVDs Rented	Shoes Tied	Shadow Puppets Created	Autographs Signed
135.5	30/30	12/0	42	1	185	3	2	6	0

 

SOMEONE GIVE THIS GUY A JOB!!

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I dunno about you, but something just feels so wrong about the phrase, “Run DMC and Jam Dr. Pepper”.

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The guy that started Friendster was on Jimmy Kimmel (about three months ago… nobody said I was topically current).  Wow, what does that say about the quality of guests that Jimmy Kimmel is pullin’? 

Anyway, I looked him up on Friendster and I’m actually linked to him thru Gail!  I KNEW there was a good reason to be Gail’s friendster!

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There was a movie back in the 80′s called “8 Million Ways to Die”.  I didn’t see the movie, but I betcha one of those ways was going up to a motorcycle gang member and saying, “That helmet makes you look like a moron”.

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Awhile ago, I was in my car and this lady in front of me leaned out of her window, turned her head and yelled at me for “riding her bumper”.  I also hate people that tailgate.  If the person in front suddenly has to brake, it could result in a nasty crash.  It pisses me off that someone would rather ride my bumper, endangering both of our lives, instead of just moving into the fast lane and passing me by.

Oh… did I mention she yelled at me while we were in line at the WENDY’S DRIVE-THRU!?!

Did she not read The Book of Drive-Thru Etiquette?  Rule 7.2.e clearly states:

When there’s a long line at the drive-thru, keep a minimum of space between cars to allow those behind you to be in the proper position when ordering.

Otherwise, if there’s too much space between cars and it’s your turn to order, you’re too far away from their microphone to be heard accurately:

Which will assure that when you get home and open your bag, you’ll discover a burger with 25 pieces of cheese, fries with chocolate sauce on top and a Coke with sugar cubes instead of ice.

So, for those of you that I may encounter later at the drive-thru… please read The Book of Drive-Thru Etiquette.  While you brush up on that, I’ll still be here, trying to determine what devastating accidents can occur when tailgating someone while traveling ZERO miles an hour!!

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When I was in college, I was working for Capwell’s (department store).  I made up a joke for a co-worker and here it is…

This asian guy goes to his doctor and says, “Hey doc, I know you’ve performed sex change operations, but I was wondering if you do any other types of procedures”.

“Like what?”, the doctor asks.

“Well, like a race change.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t want to be asian anymore.  I’m tired of being a minority.  I want to be a blonde white guy… with blue eyes.”

Stunned, the doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure if that’s possible.  Let me discuss this with my colleagues and I’ll get back to you in a week”.

So, a week or so passes and the doctor calls the man up and says, “Good news!  It appears that we can indeed perform a race change operation!”

“That’s great!”, the man replies.  He schedules an appointment for the next day.

The operation takes hours and the man awakes in his hospital bed with bandages wrapped from head to toe.  The doctor tells him that the operation went well, but only time will tell how successful it was.

After a few days, the bandages come off, the doctor gives him a mirror and after the man’s vision adjusts, he sees a blonde-haired, blue-eyed white man staring back at him.

“This is great!”, the man says.  “The hair, the eyes, the skin tone… this is exactly what I wanted!  Thanks, doc!”

The man checks out of the hospital, almost skipping down the hallway with giddiness.

Later that day, as the doctor was finishing up his shift, he spotted this same man, aimlessly wandering the halls.  The doctor walked up to the man and asked, “What are you still doing here?”

The man had a confused look on his face and replied, “Where am I?”

“You’re still in the hospital”, the doctor answered.  “Why haven’t you gone home yet?”

“Where do I live?  How did I get here?”, the man replied in a helpless tone.

“Oh oh, I thought this might happen.  I believe you’re suffering from a side-effect from your surgery.  You’re having these problems because you’ve been…”

 

“… dis-orient-ed.”

 

*ba-da bomp*

Thank you.  You’re too kind.  I’ll be here all week.

I was reading Cindy’s blog awhile back and noticed that she received a marriage proposal from none other than Xanga icon, cowboybone.

I also noticed that blondless is running a “Xanga’s Most Eligible Bachelor” contest… of which I was not invited to partake in. 

All I have to say about both is… WHAT ABOUT ME!?!  I mean, am I not the most eligiblist of eligibles!?!

(I’m sure the heads are spinning at Merriam-Webster after that last sentence)

That’s okay, I’m not bitter.  Since Cindy has not made her final decision yet on Ben’s proposal and the bachelor contest has not concluded, here’s Dramamine Boy’s Xanga…

REASONS WHY CINDY SHOULD MARRY DRAMAMINE BOY INSTEAD OF COWBOYBONE

 - I will not put stupid hats on our children.

 - Our children will never say, “What was that all aboot?”.

 - Dramamine Girl sounds much cooler than Cowgirlbone.

 - Good luck getting President’s weekend off with pay in Canada!

 - You’ll never have to worry about needing help around the house.

After you put in that water main, that backyard needs weeding!

 - I’m old mature.

 - I didn’t see any antenna balls comin’ from Canada!

Finally, the following words appear on Ben’s Xanga…

    “I don’t wanna marry”

So what if I took it totally out of context… or that I paraphrased and it meant something completely different in his blog… or that he wasn’t even the one that said it.  HE TYPED IT!  Isn’t that enough!?!  It’s like some kind of subliminal thing or freudian slip or some other thing I don’t understand.  Is THIS the kind of person you want to marry!?!

If those reasons don’t convince you, I guess I’ll have to bring out the big guns to put the icing on the cake…

And if, after all this, Cindy decides to go the Ben route and any of the above looks awfully appealing to any of you out there… I’M AVAILABLE!!

 

 

Uh… that offer goes out to girls only.

 

 

Unless you can cook.

Song of the Blog

It’s like a bad dream (at least for me, anyway) that never seems to go away.  Yes, it’s time for the third (and hopefully, final) installment of

Dram’s Parenting Tip #1 – Addendum #2

For those of you familiar with Dramamine Boy’s Xanga (newer visitors should read tip #1 and tip #1a), you current and future parents know that there’s one simple credo to follow:

“The decisions you make for your child today can totally embarass your child tomorrow.”

Hey, I kinda like that slogan, actually.  I should have grandma cross-stitch that puppy into a frame or something.

How… inspiring.

Anyway, I’m sure there’s other stuff, like don’t talk to strangers… don’t feed your kid green eggs and ham… don’t let your kid take the NYC subway at 2am all alone with wads of 100 dollar bills in each hand… smack is not only bad for adults, but also for a 2-year old… yeah, yeah, whatever.  All swell credos, I’m sure, but I’m talkin’ about the IMPORTANT stuff here!

It’s almost Christmas and now is the time to decide what your kid will be wearing for your Christmas cards and all those present-opening pics on Christmas morn.  Cuz as you know, nothing makes a kid happier than opening a Christmas present.  Why, here’s an example:

SEE!?!  See how ecstatic I am after receiving that super-fabulous… uh, coney-type, thing-a-ma-bobber?

So, not only do you want to capture your happy child with pictures that last forever (for me, this isn’t always a good thing), but you also want to have the proper clothes on your kid to ensure a taunt-free future.

Another trip to the picture album revealed this obvious fashion faux-paux…

Oh what the… WHY DIDN’T I RUN AWAY FROM HOME!?!  What kind of frikkin’ hat is that?  IS THAT A CHINSTRAP!?!  I mean, granted, it’s not a planter… I’d have to say that was the worst one of the bunch.  But let’s re-cap here…

• Silly hat.
  
• Used for cold weather.
  
• Extra flaps to keep ears warm.
  
• Chinstrap so hat won’t fly off in extreme winds.
  
• Worn indoors in a 70-degree room with nary a snowflake within 200 miles of this house.

I mean, the functionality of the hat is thrown right out the window!  There’s gotta be another line of reasoning for putting that doggone hat on my head.  My best guess is…

“Let’s look for the dumbest hats we can find and put them on our child… he’ll look sooooo cute!”

Well, if cute = retarded, then I’ll have to agree with the parents on that one.

Hit it, Rodney.

badhat.wav

Just in time for the holidays!

Remember, if it doesn’t say DramCo… then I don’t get crap in royalties!

So, if you learn nothing else from any other blog here on Dramamine Boy’s Xanga (there’s a lesson in every blog, people… learn it… live it… be it), remember these words to live by:

OH, COME ON GRANDMA!  GET A BIGGER CANVAS NEXT TIME!

Welcome back to the long awaited return of

Sarcastic Theater: Video Games

Back in the late 1970s, the video game industry was still in its’ its infancy.  Some of the greatest video games of all time were in the arcades… Space Invaders, Asteroids, Galaxian, etc.  But, there was no X-Box, Playstation 2 or GameCube to play games at home back then.  Sure, there were classics like Mattel’s Football hand-held game, but they just didn’t measure up to the graphics and complexities of the video arcade games.

I STILL HAVE MINE!!

Until…

Behold the majesty of the Atari 2600.

Atari sold like a bajillion of these things.  Retailing for about $150 or so and the games running in the $15-20 range, you could bring the magic of the video arcade into your home!  Our family was a little behind the times, but when mom brought home the Atari 2600, me and my brother dove right in and started playing until our eyes fell out onto the floor.

Well, they really didn’t fall out… I mean, you got those optic nerves and stuff attached to the back of your eyes, so they just kinda dangled against our cheeks.

Anyway, I’m sure everyone is familiar with Pong, the game that started it all.

It’s video ping pong, but they called it Pong.  Why they didn’t call it Ping, I don’t know.  Just like what killed the dinosaurs, it’s a mystery that will haunt mankind for the rest of history.

Anyway, I’m guessing a lot of people are also familiar with the game that came with the Atari 2600, Combat.

The object of this game is to drive your little block around and shoot little blocks at your opponent’s block, trying to avoid the little blocks that come out of their block.  The lines are impenetrable… your block can’t cross them, nor can your little blocks.

We played this for months.

I’m pretty sure the youth of today just isn’t too impressed with these games… probably cuz they don’t know any better.  But that’s probably because they don’t know all the other awesome games that were a part of the Atari 2600 family.  It wasn’t just Tank and Pong, ya know.  You just name it, the Atari 2600 had it!

You want baseball?  WE GOT BASEBALL!

In this game, once the batter hits the ball, the pitcher is the only fielder.  So, if the ball goes into the outfield, the pitcher has to run into the outfield to get the ball.  It’s sorta like that cartoon where Bugs Bunny played all the positions… except this was cooler.

Now Pitching: Bugs Bunny, First base: Bugs Bunny, Second Base: Bugs Bunny…

You want football?  WE GOT FOOTBALL!

Things got a little more advanced at Atari by the time Football came out.  Instead of blocks running around chasing the block with the block-ball, they are now blobs running around chasing the blob with the block-ball.  The 2600′s technological advances were tremendous!

Auto racing?  NO PROBLEM!

Can’t you just feel the wind rushing through your hair, smell the exhaust and hear the motors roar down the straightaway!?!

Speaking of hearing the motor, that was another fantastic feature of the Atari 2600… the sounds.  It made all those games just that much more realistic.  For example, here’s a wav of me playing the auto racing game.

Listen to that engine purr!  If you close your eyes, you can imagine yourself sitting in the grandstand at the Indianapolis 500, watching those cars speed down the track!  (Those crunches every few seconds are me smashing into the walls… nobody said I was a good driver)

Perhaps the pinnacle of the Atari 2600′s might was with the release of the game, Video Olympics.

50 games in one!  All those different sports in one cartridge… how can you go wrong!?!

Each game was on the cutting edge of technology.  For example, here’s a shot of basketball:

The block-basketball bounces around while your line moves horizontally across the screen, trying to knock the block-ball high enough to go through your line-basket.  Your opponent’s line is trying to hit it over towards their line-basket to score.  The difficulty meter was extremely high, since half the time, the block-ball would bounce erratically all over the place and you would accidentally score in the wrong line-basket.

Hockey!

Brrrr… can’t you just feel the cold eminating from the ice rink?  It was so realistic, you had to play this game with a jacket on, or you would catch a cold.  I just played this for 2 full minutes before I could score a goal… and I wasn’t even playing against anyone!  IT’S THAT HARD!

And last, but not least, is volleyball:

I’m sure you’re saying, “Heck, that doesn’t look very much like volleyball”.  But wait, if you pressed the button on your paddle, your line-guy leaps into the air, surprising your opponent line-guy with a vicious spike, speeding the block-ball over the block-net!

Yeah, yeah, I accept your apologies.  Try not to pass judgment next time until you get all the facts.

Then, just when you thought things couldn’t get any better… THINGS GOT BETTER!

At the time, the top game in the video arcades was Pac-Man. 

It seemed that everyone was plunking down their quarters to run that little guy through the maze, dodging ghosts and munching on dots.  It was such a popular game, it spawned a whole slew of other games (Ms. Pac-Man… Pac-Man Jr… Super Pac-Man… uh… TuPac-Man…) and it stands as the highest grossing video game of all time.*

 * That statement is not based on any actual facts or figures, nor did I care to try to look it up to verify it.  Just work with me here, people.

So of course, people around the world eagerly awaited the Atari 2600 version of Pac-Man and booooy, did it not disappoint!

It’s as if you went to the video arcade, stole a Pac Man machine and hooked it into your television!

And the sounds!  What an incredible job the Atari 2600 did of reproducing the sounds of the arcade game. 

Video Game Pac-Man

Atari 2600 Pac-Man

I know, they sound so similar, it’s as if I used the same wav file for both… but I didn’t!  Hard to believe, isn’t it!?!

So, as you can now determine, there was nothing cooler than the Atari 2600.  I’m sure there’ll now be people around the world tossing their useless X-Boxes in the trash and frantically searching on eBay to buy the masterpiece of video games, the Atari 2600.

See?  THIS person knew a bargain when they saw one!!

Song of the Blog:

 

Midterms getting the best of you?  Have the sugar plums dancing in your head been replaced by impressionists, factorials and amino acids?  Well fear not, insomniacs!  For it’s time for another installment of…

Dram’s Bedtime Story Service

For those of you unfamiliar with the first episode of Dram’s Bedtime Story Service, you can click on the link in the Previous Dramblings section to the left or above.  If that one doesn’t put you right to sleep (what better praise for a blog) or you’ve already read it, then read on.

 Tonight’s story is the classic:

It’s the story of an un-named man (featured on the cover) and his annoying friend, Sam-I-Am.

Sam-I-Am asks the man to eat a plate of green eggs and ham.  The guy says no.  Sam-I-Am asks if he would eat them here or there.  The guy replies that he wouldn’t eat them anywhere.  Sam-I-Am continues to pester this guy, asking if he would eat them in a box or with a fox, in a house or with a mouse… as if a change of venues or eating partners would make a difference in taste.  This goes on for FORTY-THREE PAGES.

All the while, Sam-I-Am follows him around wherever he goes, runs him over with a car, crashes into a train, then plummets both of them (along with the aforementioned fox and mouse) into a boat, sinking it and leaving them floating in the ocean. 

Despite this path of destruction, people reading this book still wonder why this guy isn’t taking food advice from Sam-I-Am.

Finally, the guy caves in and tries the green eggs and ham, just so this moron will leave him the heck alone.  Amazingly, he loves them and states that he’ll eat them in places such as on a train and in the rain… if they ever get rescued from the ocean.

Okay, first off… I don’t care what this Sam dude says, I’m not eating green eggs and ham.  I mean, come on!  Have you heard of any edible green meat or dairy products recently?  If my milk turns green, I’m not wondering how tasty it might be.  And what part of the pig is green!?!  Man, I don’t even wanna think about that.

Let’s take a look at an excerpt from the book…

Would you?  Could you?
In a car?
Eat them!  Eat them!
Here they are!

I would not,
could not,
in a car.

Who the heck talks like this?  All rhyming and stuff… it’s like hanging out with a bad rap group.  If they’re gonna go that route, why not go all the way and update the book into a rap-influenced story?

I don’t be likin’ them with mah posse
I don’t be likin’ them with spaghetti saucy
I don’t be likin’ green eggs and ham you see
That stuff is WHACK, Sam-I-Be

Also, is this the most patient guy in the world?  This story is one long, “Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?” scenario.  If it was me, after a few questions, I would’ve, could’ve shoved ‘em up his butt…

Ah crap, now they’re getting ME talkin’ like them.

Anyway, if Sam-I-Am picked on anyone other than this spineless sap, I’m sure this whole story would be entirely different.

Go ahead… ask me again.

The moral of the story: If you bug someone long enough, you can get them to do anything you want them to… if they don’t kill you first.

I noticed that there was no “The End” on the last page of this book.  It just ends with that last page above where he thanks Sam-I-Am.  My theory is, for whatever reason, someone down the line omitted the last page and forgot to add “The End” to the edited version.  Here now, exclusively for all you loyal Dramamine Boy’s Xanga readers, is the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga ending to Green Eggs and Ham!

I’m glad that you did as you were told,
although that food was full of mold.
You better say what has to be said,
cuz in ten seconds you’re gonna be dead!

What what WHAAAT!?!  I’m gonna die!?!
You frikkin’ murderer, I hope you fry!
CURSE YOU, CURSE YOU, you little punk!
What comes around, goes around, Sam-I-… *thunk*

The end.  Good night.  Sleep tight.  Don’t let the bed bugs bite… cuz if they do, your head will swell up and you’ll be dead by morning.

Okay, in the true spirit of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga, there appears that there is no clear-cut winner of the 10,000th visitor award.

Let’s re-cap the conditions…

• Number of people that appeared to be visitor #10,000: 3
  
• Number of 10,000th visitor screenshots I received: 0
  
• Number of full names and addresses I received: 0

Yes, that’s right… there were three people that were visitor #10,000.  Okay, after carefully examining the SiteMeter stats, I believe this is what happened:

1. J.R. became visitor #9,999.
   
   
   
2. Someone from fwak!‘s Xanga discovered my ridiculous corner of the internet, becoming visitor #10,000.  Upon reading a few lines of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga, they hit the back button on their browser, took their computer outside, set fire to it and checked into therapy to try to rid their mind of the images they just witnessed. 
   
   At least that’s what I think happened.  They didn’t leave a comment, so I can’t confirm this.
   
   
   
3. J.R. posted a comment and the counter now read 10,000.
   
   
   
4. Three hours later, Gail visited and for some reason, the counter also read 10,000.

Sooooo… since I’m guessing the anonymous person that was #10,000 isn’t going to claim their prize, Dramamine Boy’s Xanga proposes the following:

J.R. gets all those cool cards since he was the closest to 10,000 and everyone can be jealous of him and say, “Man, I wish I was J.R.”… HAHAHAHA… ya right, like anyone would want to be J.R. =P

J.R. and Gail both get a Dramamine Boy rookie card… if I can figure out what I need to do to print it.

The only thing I need now is to have them send their mailing info… which they didn’t do the first time.

J.R. even had the nerve to ask me, “Hey, are those cards actually real?”.  OF COURSE THEY ARE!!  EVERYTHING is real here on Dramamine Boy’s Xanga!  Well… except for that April Fool’s Joke.  I think there’s still people out there that haven’t figured that one out yet.

Geez, what a nightmare.  I mean, come on!  10,000th visitor… how hard could this be?  There’s gotta only be one winner, right!?!

Sigh… only on Dramamine Boy’s Xanga.

And speaking of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga, here’s a couple of thoughts to tide you over until the next contest…

I saw a TV commercial for a Bon Jovi’s Greatest Hits CD, titled “This Left Feels Right”.  However, this CD doesn’t offer the original verisons, but instead they re-did all the songs into slow, acoustic (read: frikkin’ crappy) versions of their hits.  They played snippets from a few songs in the commercial.  If you haven’t seen the commercial yet, visualize It’s My Life and You Give Love a Bad Name.  Now, take out all the cool guitars and stuff and replace them with a piano, acoustic guitars and an accordion (okay, I might be making up the accordion part).  Now, take the tempo of each song and slow them down to about 1/4 speed.  Then replace Jon Bon Jovi with Barry Manilow.

Shot through the heart and you’re to blame…

To give you an idea of the type of music on this CD, amazon.com is packaging this CD in a special savings with The Very Best of… Sheryl Crow.

SHERYL CROW AND BON JOVI!?! 

If they start playing these versions on their next tour, I can see mass rioting breaking out.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII… wanna soak up the suuuuuuuuuunnnn…

I’ve been reading all the sites of my subscribers and people I subscribe to and saw a ton of great Halloween costumes.  But there was one costume choice missing.  Granted, you all put a lot of thought and effort into your costumes, but you’re tellin’ me it didn’t cross the mind of ANYBODY out there to choose the best costume of all?

I betcha this lady won every single costume contest she entered!  Obviously these japanese kids knew what the costume to beat all costumes was!  I get a percentage of each one of these things that are sold, ya know!  Help a brotha out!

People ask me, “Dram, where does all this quirky humor come from?”.  I present to you now, Exhibit A…

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Dramamine Boy’s Xanga is rapidly approaching a milestone and we’re celebrating by giving away a prize!

That’s right, Dramamine Boy’s Xanga will soon host its’ 10,000th visitor!  What better way to commemorate this momentous event in Dramamine Boy’s Xanga history than to give away stuff!

Now, while other websites give away crappy or even imaginary prizes, such things do not happen here at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga!  First was a cookie.  Then, it was

F R E E M O N E Y  !

We got nothin’ but quality stuff here, baby!

First off, to see if you qualify for the 10,000th visitor prize, follow these directions:

• Check the bottom of the page to see if you’re visitor #10,000.
  
• Take a screenshot of the page with the counter reading 10,000 and e-mail it to me.
  
• Probably a good idea to e-mail your full name and address, too, since I’m not psychic.

Now, on to the prize.  Dram has been collecting sports cards since age 6, when his grandma would give him and his brother baseball cards.  Being the dental-conscious person that he is, Dram would trade the bubble gum from his packs for the cards from his brother’s packs.  Eons later, long after the sweet flavor of those rectangular, semi-petrified slabs of gum evaporated (actually, baseball card gum flavor lasted about 8 seconds anyway), Dram still has those precious cards from his youth!

And now, Dram has hand-selected the following gems from his extensive collection and is passing them on to you, lucky visitor #10,000!

If you’re the magical winner, you’ll receive…

The famous Dick Trickle!  According to his website, Dick is America’s Winningest Stock Car Driver!  How they were able to substantiate that claim, I don’t know.  I mean, I won many a race in my basement with my Trans Am Hot Wheels car, so he musta won an awful lot of races to beat my record.  We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and concede the “Winningest Stock Car Driver” title to him, so he has something to cling on to… as fake of a title as that may be.

You also get…

You’ll receive a Harry Colon!  While working in a sports card shop, I’ve noticed a lot of trends.  They say that sports card collecting is a male-dominated hobby.  I guess a sure sign of that is that a lot more males have a Harry Colon than females.  It just warms my heart when a kid walks into the shop and states, “I WANT A HARRY COLON!”.

But wait!  There’s more!

Another Dick!  Yes, he’s a sentimental favorite of mine, since he was always picked on throughout his life.  Not sure why… maybe it was that jacked-up hairdo.  I mean, a white man with an afro… what was the thought process that came up with THAT!?!

Also included is…

Yes, you get a Boobie!  Yes, I’m pretty proud of my Boobies and I’m pretty reluctant to give one up.  But, since this is a special occasion, sacrifices must be made.  I know you wish that I could give you two Boobies, but alas, that I can not do.  Heck, I’m sure you’re pretty shocked that I had any Boobies at all.

Yes, I know… just getting those cards above would be MORE than enough of a prize.  But as insane as it sounds, WE’RE NOT FINISHED YET!

I believe Pete is french, but I’m not sure.  I didn’t take French in high school, so I’m pretty clueless to give you an accurate translation of his last name.  Oh well, I’m sure someone can research that for the winner.

And last, but certainly not least, is…

Yes, the immortal Rusty Kuntz!  He played seven seasons in the big leagues and was a member of the 1984 World Champion Detroit Tigers.  But he was best known for his often-stated phrase, “IT’S PRONOUNCED ‘KOONTZ’, YOU MORON!”.

Sophomoric humor.  Tee hee hee.

So there ya have it.  Click away and see if you’re the lucky winner!  Whether you’re the 10,000th visitor or not, I appreciate each one of you stopping by and reading this madness and thanks a ton for all the comments.  Hopefully, one of these goofy blogs I’ve written has helped brighten up a dreary day.

(this card not included… unless I figure out a way to create this outside of Photoshop)

Boy, I sure hope I’m not visitor #10,000… that would kinda suck.

Thanks for the birthday wishes, everyone!  Yes, another year older… another year wiser… another year where relatives ask “WHY AREN’T YOU MARRIED YET!?!”.  Good times… yes, good times indeed.

Before we start the blog, everyone go to germanybound’s site and see if you can help her with her project to send Christmas gifts to her husband’s unit in Iraq (it’s the October 15th blog).  Then, read the rest of her entries and send your prayers/positive energy to her and Christian as he goes in for surgery.

Okay… go go Gadget blog!

I know, after seeing some of my past works, such as Man With Pocket Fisherman and A Bubbletea Bonking, I’m sure you’re all saying, “Wow, that Dram sure must know a lot about art, I wonder if he can give us pointers on modern and abstract art”.  Well, as you can tell by those examples, I’m more interested in art that looks just like real life.  I mean, you see a bubbletea cup, you draw a bubbletea cup, it looks JUST LIKE a bubbletea cup.

I’m not really into abstract art and trying to interpret the meaning and social significance of a particular piece.  But heck, I didn’t have anything else to blog about, so I’ll give it a shot.

So, without further ado, we present…

Dram’s Guide to Art

Starry Night – Vincent Van Gogh

Okay, first off… what’s up with all the suns!?!  I mean, how can anything be called “Starry Night” when you got one moon and 11 suns!?!

“But Dram, those are stars”, you say.  Yeah, whatever, pal.  Stars are little twinkly spots of light in the sky, not big, radiating orbs of yellow.  The song goes, “Twinkle, twinkle, little star”, not “Radiate, radiate, big honkin’ orb of yellow”!

I know stars when I see ‘em and them ain’t stars.

And what is that curvy stuff in the sky supposed to be?  Clouds?  Looks like he used that all-in-one protractor thingy with the french curve and ruler in it that I had way back when.  I never did figure out what actual purpose the french curve thing was for.  I think the only thing I used it for was to draw a brontosaurus.

That is, if you wanted to draw a brontosaurus that had its’ head turned around to look at its’ own back.

The Wedding – Sandy Skoglund

A wedding scene, the true expression of love, done entirely in red, which is the color of love.  Not sure what the flower-things symbolize, but all I know is… that is the grossest-looking cake I’ve ever seen in my life.  I mean, what the heck flavor is that!?!  Blood flavor?  If they start passing slices of that thing out at the next wedding I’m at, I’m gonna say, “No thanks, I’m allergic to crap”.

Little Boat I – Sally Chase

It’s Toucan Sam!  Froot Loops was a really great cereal.  It didn’t quite make my Guide to Cereals list, probably because it was in a virtual tie with Apple Jacks.  And I couldn’t think of anything funny to say about Froot Loops.  Not sure what Toucan Sam has to do with boats, however.

Since this piece was titled Little Boat I, I figured there must be a Little Boat II and wondered what it looked like.  If it was done in a different style, or different materials or even a sculpture instead of a painting.  So, I went searching and…

Little Boat II – Sally Chase

Wow.  How… same-looking.

Is this allowed in the world of art?  I mean, isn’t this like after Leonardo da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa, someone else asked for him for a da Vinci original, so he painted another Mona Lisa, except that one had shades on?

A MASTERPIECE, I TELL YOU!

Flag – Jasper Johns

The Dramamine Boy’s California United States flag!!  Sigh… what could have been.

People come up to me all the time and say, “Hey Dram, if you like realistic-looking art, why don’t you check out some of the renaissance masters, such as Michaelangelo?”  So, with the magic of the internet, I found…

Michaelangelo – Playmates Toys

Hmmm… what’s so doggone realistic about a masked, nunchaku-wielding turtle-man?  Heck, if this thing actually does exist around here, I’m gettin’ the heck out of town.

Gojira – Iguanoman

Now we’re talkin’!  Godzilla!  Shown in mid-fire breath.  A classic pose, definitely, but what makes this piece of art a masterpiece is that it was created with the classic Shrinky-Dink medium.

Woohoo Shrinky Dinks!  Any toy where you have kids draw stuff on plastic, then have them operate a 500-degree oven in order to achieve the final product receives the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Seal of Approval!