November 11, 2003
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Midterms getting the best of you? Have the sugar plums dancing in your head been replaced by impressionists, factorials and amino acids? Well fear not, insomniacs! For it’s time for another installment of…
Dram’s Bedtime Story Service
For those of you unfamiliar with the first episode of Dram’s Bedtime Story Service, you can click on the link in the Previous Dramblings section to the left or above. If that one doesn’t put you right to sleep (what better praise for a blog) or you’ve already read it, then read on.
Tonight’s story is the classic:
It’s the story of an un-named man (featured on the cover) and his annoying friend, Sam-I-Am.
Sam-I-Am asks the man to eat a plate of green eggs and ham. The guy says no. Sam-I-Am asks if he would eat them here or there. The guy replies that he wouldn’t eat them anywhere. Sam-I-Am continues to pester this guy, asking if he would eat them in a box or with a fox, in a house or with a mouse… as if a change of venues or eating partners would make a difference in taste. This goes on for FORTY-THREE PAGES.
All the while, Sam-I-Am follows him around wherever he goes, runs him over with a car, crashes into a train, then plummets both of them (along with the aforementioned fox and mouse) into a boat, sinking it and leaving them floating in the ocean.
Despite this path of destruction, people reading this book still wonder why this guy isn’t taking food advice from Sam-I-Am.
Finally, the guy caves in and tries the green eggs and ham, just so this moron will leave him the heck alone. Amazingly, he loves them and states that he’ll eat them in places such as on a train and in the rain… if they ever get rescued from the ocean.
Okay, first off… I don’t care what this Sam dude says, I’m not eating green eggs and ham. I mean, come on! Have you heard of any edible green meat or dairy products recently? If my milk turns green, I’m not wondering how tasty it might be. And what part of the pig is green!?! Man, I don’t even wanna think about that.
Let’s take a look at an excerpt from the book…
Would you? Could you?
In a car?
Eat them! Eat them!
Here they are!
I would not,
could not,
in a car.
Who the heck talks like this? All rhyming and stuff… it’s like hanging out with a bad rap group. If they’re gonna go that route, why not go all the way and update the book into a rap-influenced story?
I don’t be likin’ them with mah posse
I don’t be likin’ them with spaghetti saucy
I don’t be likin’ green eggs and ham you see
That stuff is WHACK, Sam-I-Be
Also, is this the most patient guy in the world? This story is one long, “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” scenario. If it was me, after a few questions, I would’ve, could’ve shoved ‘em up his butt…
Ah crap, now they’re getting ME talkin’ like them.
Anyway, if Sam-I-Am picked on anyone other than this spineless sap, I’m sure this whole story would be entirely different.
Go ahead… ask me again.
The moral of the story: If you bug someone long enough, you can get them to do anything you want them to… if they don’t kill you first.
I noticed that there was no “The End” on the last page of this book. It just ends with that last page above where he thanks Sam-I-Am. My theory is, for whatever reason, someone down the line omitted the last page and forgot to add “The End” to the edited version. Here now, exclusively for all you loyal Dramamine Boy’s Xanga readers, is the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga ending to Green Eggs and Ham!
I’m glad that you did as you were told,
although that food was full of mold.
You better say what has to be said,
cuz in ten seconds you’re gonna be dead!
What what WHAAAT!?! I’m gonna die!?!
You frikkin’ murderer, I hope you fry!
CURSE YOU, CURSE YOU, you little punk!
What comes around, goes around, Sam-I-… *thunk*
The end. Good night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bed bugs bite… cuz if they do, your head will swell up and you’ll be dead by morning.
Comments (42)
hahahahaha!! thanks dram!! now i can sleep…hmmm, no, not really, but i got a good laugh in tonight
XD (yeah that’s all i can say =P)
I don’t be likin’ them with mah posse
I don’t be likin’ them with spaghetti saucy
I don’t be likin’ green eggs and ham you see
That stuff is WHACK, Sam-I-Be
gahahahahahah.. i think i have a crush on you now. heh.
I jeez…that is one morbid ending to Green Eggs and Ham
Hmm… seems we all need to be weary of people trying to get us to eat things that are green… Bed bugs… Ooo… this story would scare small children.
=’.'=
O_O
How am I suppose to sleep after that?
why didn’t you post this when i was still up last night??!!
hahahahahahahaha
I was always a big fan of Dr. Seuss. Interesting interpretation.
Hey dram, where’s my damn cookie???
we used to have chickens that laid green eggs. They didn’t taste any different than the brown ones. Of course the shell was green, not the yolk. We never had a green pig though. We did have one with a crooked snout.
There’s actually a restuarant here that sells green eggs and ham – I think they use that feral green ketchup heinz put out.
*thunk* was very good.
This definately helped me stay awake to study. Thanks. I would pay money to see my mom yell at me and then run into a door jam. That must have been awesome.
damn the bed bugs… I knew I shouldn’t have picked up my mattress from the salvatino army…
*Gasp*…..
I can’t read this xanga anymore. No one….and I mean NO ONE disses Dr. Seuss. He’s da man….you can’t do that!! That’s like reducing The Godfather to something like Dude Where’s My Car!! Pshaw….I can’t read this anymore….*saunters away*
…at least it won’t be by the green eggs and ham.
*yawn*
Dramamine Boy=the next Dr. Seuss.
I am Sam. Samantha…
Really.
Now imagine, will you, just how intimate I am with the subject matter in the book….and the various twists it can and has be given to me all these years by clever man wannabes’…’would she do it on a train, would she do it in the rain…blah blah blah…’
You are beyond brilliant!
spaghetti saucy…
I nearly peed myself laughing, you clever clever man!
Me and my girlfriends will sleep well after that. Thanks Dram, you’ve just scored me some points!
hahaha!! This one was great! Especially the rap part! *wipes milk dripping from nose*
After I saw Matrix Revolutions, I tried reading this book out loud in a Mr. Smith voice. My little cousin was rightly freaked out.
OMG!! Now that I am being looked at strangely for laughing hysterically! Great story interpretation!
HAHAHAH Awesomeness Dram… You rock my checkered socks. Hehe.
queL
hahahah so funny. i never did like dr. seuss. all those crazy kindergarteners peer pressured me into readin 1 book tho. i wanted to shoot myself -.-”
*yawn* sam i am is dead. now i can sleep in peace…
haha. wonderful ending. better than anything the dr. seuss could think up.
<LABEL id=HbSession SessionId=”2669977281″>classic!! what is green eggs and ham? is it just spoiled meat and dairy?
hello_58701 - Glad to help! =)
da_cheese_gurl -
sydney_chickie - Woohoo crush! That’ll go well with the three marriage proposals… decisions, decisions!
CrazyGB - Well, there should be nothing pretty about green dairy products. =)
Firey17 - Yah, they might have to put one of those PG-13 tags on my version.
makino81 - Uhhh… how about, “and they lived happily ever after”?
petitekiu - Well, this will help the next time you try that “no-caffeine” stuff. =)
mophead - Doesn’t EVERYONE interpret it that way? =)
IamNOTaVampire - I sent it!
dlordcletus - Green on the outside, white and yellow on the inside? False advertising!
silvermyst_ashke - EEEEEyikes… keep them green things away from me!
svergognato1 - Hey wait a minute… this was supposed to put you to sleep!
civic4982 - That’s why I’m sleepin’ on the couch from now on!
CindyWang - Soooooo… what’re you tryin’ to say? You liked it?
drcpu - Sleep tight! =)
RecycledLife - As long as I don’t have to wear that big hat!
MidoriSour - So were you as patient as the guy in the story, or were there many a shin that were kicked?
COMS_K - Well, at least someone is scoring.
cowboybone - Hahaha… so, I’m guessing you named the un-named man Mr. Anderson?
HiC - Hehehe, I do that at work sometimes, too. =)
queLness - Whoa, new socks?
Bloodberry - Hey, as long as it puts the kindergarteners right to sleep, I’ll read anything!
plasticpassion - Woohoo, I’m better than Dr. Seuss! Yay Dr. Dram!
maryCherry22 - I dunno… it’s scary, that’s all I know.
As I was reading this images of green ketchup were dancing around in my head… interesting, huh? HaHa
do fox in socks next!
You wanna know what’s really creepy??? I actually ate green eggs and ham once! I was over at a friend’s place when I was about 12, and her mom had made green pickled eggs, and served them with ham. I laughed throughout the whole supper and they never invited me over again
Dramblings, I love it! And now that I think about, yeah what WAS with that stalker guy pestering him about eggs?! I would eat the green nasty crap just to get him to leave me alone.
Do dead people really have Xs for eyes? I guess they do, because that’s how they’re always illustrated.
Just like fast-moving objects have lots of horizontal lines behind them.
teeeheee that was wonderful. from my experience the Health department would have your ass if you had green eggs and green ham in your cooler. That’s NOT a good sign at all. As to eating it. I hope they have a stomach pump.
Thanks for the laugh and great writing.
haha…my older brother and i used to put green food coloring on our eggs to eat green eggs but no ham.
Oh my god I love Dr. Suess!!!!!!
SuuGaPuFF - The closest thing to green I can think of is that green salsa I see at Chevy’s and other mexican restaurants. That would actually be good on eggs. Ham, on the other hand…
ramen_rider - Hmmm, I haven’t read that one yet… and these Dr. Seuss books are so doggone expensive these days!
neko_nog - Hahahaha… I don’t think you were missing anything by not being invited over again. =)
KittyKat7 - Ya, if that method is so effective, I gotta have this guy harass people to send me 20 bucks!
arnie_flangehead - Well, I do see stars when I get bonked on the head… but not little birdies. Maybe I’ll have to smack myself in the head harder.
astrohooker - Hahaha… the Health Department shoulda been following Sam I Am!
lilwa11y - Ya, I can kinda see the whole green food coloring thing for the eggs, but ham? Eww. Hey, try making green eggs and ham instead of cookies! =)
His_Kiss - I’m not sure if Dr. Suess would love me, however. =)
Cool Site. Check mine out!
I’ve read that book over 101 times to my 3 yr old. it’s about time the ending changed! I was getting bored. It always bothers me that he doesnt just puch Sam-I-am. I would.
oh my dram. that was beautiful.
methinks you made me wanna xanga once again.
such an interesting entry, it almost made me forget i had menstrual cramps!
btw who did you know from kennedy?
HEY! i don’t know you. but i read your story.
MAN!!! its hilarious..
You SHOULD Sell That Story!! haha
you are very very clever. thanks for the laugh!
~*monica*~
lol you’re a crazy. craaaaaaaaaazy
debeef400 - Oh the humanity!
MourningJoy - Hahahaha… you should change the ending the next time you read the story!
drphilmd - WOOHOO! My work is done here.
cherwhoah - Yay for menstrual cramp relief! Wow, never thought I could have that effect.
GirlAtThexPunkRawkShowx - Thanks! Not sure if Dr. Suess would share the financial love. =)
sororitygirl - Yes, I get that a lot!
Did you know that Suess wrote that book on a bet? His friend bet him that he couldn’t write a complete children’s book using 50 original words or less. Dr. Seuss was all about shaking up what children’s literature could be…he was revolutionary in the concept that books for kids could be silly and fun and full of nonsense. He thought it actually mattered, you know, to have kids like what they were reading.
His wife, Audrey, is a ghoul. She allows such horrible preversions as the movie version of The Cat in the Hat and she slaps Dr. Seuss’ name on anything she can get her hands on. I hate her. A lot.
One of my earliest television memories was Jesse Jackson reading Green Eggs and Ham on Saturday Night Live as a memorial for Dr. Seuss. It was as beautiful as it sounds. And as weird.
He was just…the man. As a librarian, a lover of words and books, I cannot overstate his importance to my entire field.
And, Dram, you know, I think he’d get a kick out your story.