November 20, 2003

• Welcome back to the long awaited return of

  
  

  Sarcastic Theater: Video Games

  
  

  Back in the late 1970s, the video game industry was still in its’ its infancy.  Some of the greatest video games of all time were in the arcades… Space Invaders, Asteroids, Galaxian, etc.  But, there was no X-Box, Playstation 2 or GameCube to play games at home back then.  Sure, there were classics like Mattel’s Football hand-held game, but they just didn’t measure up to the graphics and complexities of the video arcade games.

  
  

  

  
  

  I STILL HAVE MINE!!

  
  

  Until…

  
  

  

  
  

  Behold the majesty of the Atari 2600.

  
  

  Atari sold like a bajillion of these things.  Retailing for about $150 or so and the games running in the $15-20 range, you could bring the magic of the video arcade into your home!  Our family was a little behind the times, but when mom brought home the Atari 2600, me and my brother dove right in and started playing until our eyes fell out onto the floor.

  
  

  Well, they really didn’t fall out… I mean, you got those optic nerves and stuff attached to the back of your eyes, so they just kinda dangled against our cheeks.

  
  

  Anyway, I’m sure everyone is familiar with Pong, the game that started it all.

  
  

  

  
  

  It’s video ping pong, but they called it Pong.  Why they didn’t call it Ping, I don’t know.  Just like what killed the dinosaurs, it’s a mystery that will haunt mankind for the rest of history.

  
  

  Anyway, I’m guessing a lot of people are also familiar with the game that came with the Atari 2600, Combat.

  
  

  

  
  

  The object of this game is to drive your little block around and shoot little blocks at your opponent’s block, trying to avoid the little blocks that come out of their block.  The lines are impenetrable… your block can’t cross them, nor can your little blocks.

  
  

  We played this for months.

  
  

  I’m pretty sure the youth of today just isn’t too impressed with these games… probably cuz they don’t know any better.  But that’s probably because they don’t know all the other awesome games that were a part of the Atari 2600 family.  It wasn’t just Tank and Pong, ya know.  You just name it, the Atari 2600 had it!

  
  

  You want baseball?  WE GOT BASEBALL!

  
  

  

  
  

  In this game, once the batter hits the ball, the pitcher is the only fielder.  So, if the ball goes into the outfield, the pitcher has to run into the outfield to get the ball.  It’s sorta like that cartoon where Bugs Bunny played all the positions… except this was cooler.

  
  

  

  
  

  Now Pitching: Bugs Bunny, First base: Bugs Bunny, Second Base: Bugs Bunny…

  
  

  You want football?  WE GOT FOOTBALL!

  
  

  

  
  

  Things got a little more advanced at Atari by the time Football came out.  Instead of blocks running around chasing the block with the block-ball, they are now blobs running around chasing the blob with the block-ball.  The 2600′s technological advances were tremendous!

  
  

  Auto racing?  NO PROBLEM!

  
  

  

  
  

  Can’t you just feel the wind rushing through your hair, smell the exhaust and hear the motors roar down the straightaway!?!

  
  

  Speaking of hearing the motor, that was another fantastic feature of the Atari 2600… the sounds.  It made all those games just that much more realistic.  For example, here’s a wav of me playing the auto racing game.

  
  

  Listen to that engine purr!  If you close your eyes, you can imagine yourself sitting in the grandstand at the Indianapolis 500, watching those cars speed down the track!  (Those crunches every few seconds are me smashing into the walls… nobody said I was a good driver)

  
  

  Perhaps the pinnacle of the Atari 2600′s might was with the release of the game, Video Olympics.

  
  

  

  
  

  50 games in one!  All those different sports in one cartridge… how can you go wrong!?!

  
  

  Each game was on the cutting edge of technology.  For example, here’s a shot of basketball:

  
  

  

  
  

  The block-basketball bounces around while your line moves horizontally across the screen, trying to knock the block-ball high enough to go through your line-basket.  Your opponent’s line is trying to hit it over towards their line-basket to score.  The difficulty meter was extremely high, since half the time, the block-ball would bounce erratically all over the place and you would accidentally score in the wrong line-basket.

  
  

  Hockey!

  
  

  

  
  

  Brrrr… can’t you just feel the cold eminating from the ice rink?  It was so realistic, you had to play this game with a jacket on, or you would catch a cold.  I just played this for 2 full minutes before I could score a goal… and I wasn’t even playing against anyone!  IT’S THAT HARD!

  
  

  And last, but not least, is volleyball:

  
  

  

  
  

  I’m sure you’re saying, “Heck, that doesn’t look very much like volleyball”.  But wait, if you pressed the button on your paddle, your line-guy leaps into the air, surprising your opponent line-guy with a vicious spike, speeding the block-ball over the block-net!

  
  

  

  
  

  Yeah, yeah, I accept your apologies.  Try not to pass judgment next time until you get all the facts.

  
  

  Then, just when you thought things couldn’t get any better… THINGS GOT BETTER!

  
  

  At the time, the top game in the video arcades was Pac-Man. 

  
  

  

  
  

  It seemed that everyone was plunking down their quarters to run that little guy through the maze, dodging ghosts and munching on dots.  It was such a popular game, it spawned a whole slew of other games (Ms. Pac-Man… Pac-Man Jr… Super Pac-Man… uh… TuPac-Man…) and it stands as the highest grossing video game of all time.*

  
  

   * That statement is not based on any actual facts or figures, nor did I care to try to look it up to verify it.  Just work with me here, people.

  
  

  So of course, people around the world eagerly awaited the Atari 2600 version of Pac-Man and booooy, did it not disappoint!

  
  

  

  
  

  It’s as if you went to the video arcade, stole a Pac Man machine and hooked it into your television!

  
  

  And the sounds!  What an incredible job the Atari 2600 did of reproducing the sounds of the arcade game. 

  
  

  Video Game Pac-Man

  
  

  Atari 2600 Pac-Man

  
  

  I know, they sound so similar, it’s as if I used the same wav file for both… but I didn’t!  Hard to believe, isn’t it!?!

  
  

  So, as you can now determine, there was nothing cooler than the Atari 2600.  I’m sure there’ll now be people around the world tossing their useless X-Boxes in the trash and frantically searching on eBay to buy the masterpiece of video games, the Atari 2600.

  
  

  See?  THIS person knew a bargain when they saw one!!

  
  

  Song of the Blog:

  
  

   

  • 3:14 am
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