December 24, 2004
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The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 12
Seeing how we’re coming up on that whole Jesus birthday thing, I figured that it would be appropriate to end The Twelve Days of Dram by blogging about the guy that’s responsible for me getting presents.
Oh sure, he was the Son of God, but some of you may not be aware that Jesus actually had a job. That’s right, he didn’t just roam the earth walking on water, pulling hundreds of fish out of a hat and making everyone feel guilty with that whole “let him who is without sin cast the first stone” thing, but he also worked as a carpenter.
Now, wouldn’t he have been the best carpenter in the history of carpentry? Come on! It’s Jesus! His carpentry would’ve been the stuff of legends! If you go visit the Carpentry Hall of Fame, Jesus sure better be the first carpenter you see when you walk in!
Just think how much work Jesus would’ve had! He’d have people lined up for months for his services! I gotta figure that when news of Jesus’ execution spread, there had to be at least a couple of people who said, “Aw crap! Now I’m NEVER gonna get that new rec room!”
Okay… I’m not really sure they said “Aw crap” back then, so insert something else like “Forsooth!” or “Egads!” if you need this blog to be truer to the time period. Actually, I might have to start using “Forsooth!” again… that would kinda rule.
Anyway, how did Jesus get so good at carpentry? Did someone actually teach him or did he just pick up a miter saw one day and start building cathedrals? I mean, the guy that did teach Jesus carpentry would be set for life. He could go on late night TV with a 1/2 hour informercial and state:
“Learn from the guy who taught Jesus!”
And who’s gonna argue with his techniques? All he’d have to do is point out that Jesus was his pupil and everyone would have to figure that he’d know what he was talkin’ about. Are you going to listen to some old, B.C.-age carpentry teacher down at Bethlehem U. or are you gonna listen to the guy that taught Jesus how to install a ceiling fan?
Why didn’t The Bible explore this carpentry subject a little more? You gotta figure that at least ONE disciple wrote a book chronicling Jesus’ God-like carpentry exploits. One of the books in The Bible is titled “Job”, but I read through that whole thing and it didn’t have crap about Jesus being a carpenter.
Wouldn’t that have been a great addition to The Bible to further show how cool Jesus was? I gotta figure that it exists somewhere and must’ve got lost during printing. Not sure where that book would’ve appeared in The Bible, but obviously, it would be in the New Testament. My guess is, it’d go something like, “Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Timber Framing”.
I’m tellin’ ya, this lost book of The Bible probably explains a lot of mysteries of The Bible. Maybe the twelve disciples were co-workers. Or perhaps they were former customers that were so moved after seeing Jesus’ unparalleled carpentry, they decided to follow him around.
The Holy Grail? Probably a thermos.
There’s debate even today about who was responsible for crucifying Jesus. Was it the Romans? The Jews? Well, I betcha this lost book would put an end to that debate. Don’t believe me? Well, here’s my theory…
What do you think it would’ve been like to be a carpenter during this time? I mean, not only are your prospective customers comparing your skills against the Son of God’s, but material things meant nothing to Jesus! So, his carpentry fees were practically at cost! How are you gonna compete against that!?! You’d go broke trying to compete!
So, by using simple deduction, after Jesus kept taking everyone’s jobs away, I’m pretty sure the people responsible for nailing Jesus to the cross were members of Jerusalem’s Carpenters Local Union Number 27!
Welp, that’s it for The Twelve Days of Dram! Hope you enjoyed it more than I enjoyed posting it! Actually, you BETTER have enjoyed it more, since it was way more work than I thought it was gonna be!
Happy Holidays, everybody!
And don’t forget, Dramamine Boy stickers are still available! There’s plenty left! SOMEONE BUY SOMETHING!
Comments (26)
is Ty Pennington of Trading Spaces fame THE modern-day Jesus? Just a thought out there for the masses…he is working on Extreme HOME Makeover now!!! things that make ya go “hmmmmmm????????????????????”
Your site ROCKS my insomnia world this morning. Thanks!
*Explosive laughter*
Oh god, that was the best one yet. . .
I think I wet myself. . .
Merry Chrismakuh
I just finished reading the DaVinci Code, so this was naturally much funnier for me at the current time.
forsooth, i knew the holy grail was a damn thermos.
just for you, i’m going to say “forsooth” for the next week. you work the west coast; i’ll work it here in the east coast.
And I’ll get the South!
Forsooth, forsooth, forsooth…
OH. MY. GAWD.
(no pun intended)
forsooth, ye hath received a splinter!
ghahahahahaha..hhaahahhaah…
*sigh*
egads, you’re good!!!
merry xmas, Dram. Great job on making it to the end!
Merry X(anga)mas!
HOLY FREAKIN CRAP! man you make my xanga look boring! Great stuff man good enough to be in The Onion!
Hahahaha, oh man. That’s friggin’ awesome. The splinter thing was great. And congrats for actually pulling off 12 days of blogs!
hahaha, that’s got to be one of the funniest things.
propz to you.
um……any chance of those Dramamine Boy stickers being discounted in an after-Xmas sale?
ya know, i have a high school friend by the name of “jesus” pronounced as hay-zus who is a carpenter. quite a handsome too!
waahh!! why didn’t you throw in some dramamineboy stickers on the christmas card? next year, alright?
behold for the San Franciscoseth Bloggeth is delivereth.
Just stopping by to wish you and the entire Dram Heavy Industries LTD team a Happy New Year!
i want your tree.
Congratulations on your award, Dram!
Thanks Dram. I think the development of muscles is grossly overrated.
I guess if the twelve deciples were his co-workers that would explain why they were also his drinking buddies. I mean everyone goes out for a cold one after work. So they do this all the time and do party tricks and drunken shows of talent but you can’t top turning water into wine so that’s why it was the last supper you can’t top that so you just can’t really justify going out for drinks after work after that.
ryc: Of course and than the drudgery of decorating next year will have been eliminated! It’s another helpful household hint from Dram@Home Industries and that’s a good thing!
Wow, I haven’t laughed that hard in a long long time. That was superb. Genius, I’d venture. Thanks, I needed that. = )
LOL!!! Too funny.
got this? That means that you are loved! Send this to 15 people in the next 143 minutes, and tomorrow will be your best day ever! Hurry!!!!! Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they love you. Something good will happen to u at 1:00-4:00 pm tommorrow. It could be anywere phone, outside school, anywere. Get ready for the biggest shock in your life. If you break this chain u will be cursed w/ relationship problems for the next 10 yrs. Send this to 15 ppl. no send backs!random props
Hmmmm… So, I guess that since you were successful with the Twelve Days of Dram, you have to take an extra long break? Its pretty boring not having any of your posts to read…..
Wow…to think they devoted centuries to the unraveling of the mystery of who crucified Christ when the answer lies in this blog. Hahaha…Darren, you rock. =P
Good luck on next year’s SJUMC tournament!
According to the Bible, the construction of the universe.
Damn it DRAM update you xanga!