December 21, 2004

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  The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 9

  
  

  

  
  

  Overdue Edition
  December 21, 2004

  
  

  Scandal Rocks Xanga

  
  

  Xangaland - As the trial against Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative’s illegal distribution of steroids continues, more and more names are surfacing as customers of BALCO’s performance-enhancing network.  Over the past months, investigators have uncovered evidence linking steroid use to top-name athletes in all major sports.  Now, the Xanga Times has learned that they have turned their attention to the blogging community.

  
  

  The steroid spotlight is currently being focused on the blogging community called Xanga.com.  While other blogging communities, such as LiveJournal, routinely screens their members for steroid use, Xanga’s Terms of Use features no policy whatsoever.  Former Xanga members have estimated the percentage of Xanga members using steroids at 60 to 70 percent.

  
  

  An expert on blogging offered her analysis: “Honest bloggers who put in a lot of work to attempt to appear on the Featured Content page are at a distinct disadvantage. They can’t compete with those bloggers that are using artificial help like testosterone, human growth hormone and spell-check to dominate the Featured Content list and are continually denied inclusion.  With these cheaters hogging the spotlight, the honest people don’t get discovered and end up either leaving Xanga or turning to steroids themselves.”

  
  

  “Dude, there be tons o’ fools usin’ steroids”, remarked one former Xanga member.  “I blogged hecka long about school an’ mah girl and whatnot and never got on Featured Content ONCE!  So, they gotta be cheatin’!  That’s whack!”

  
  

  With charges of steroid use hovering over the Xanga community, there have been numerous Xanga bloggers being targeted as possible users.  For example, rumors have recently been flying around Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Headquarters ever since the beginning of a promotion called “The Twelve Days of Dram”.  A few Dramamine Boy’s Xanga readers offered up some doubts that the sudden increase in blogs is natural.

  
  

  “Dram only blogs a few times a month and then suddenly he’s able to blog twelve straight days in a row?”, stated one reader.  “Doesn’t anyone find that suspicious?”

  
  

  “With all the rumors and the freaky increase in blogging, what are people supposed to think?”, says another reader.  “Even if he does make it to Day 12, I think it’ll be a tainted accomplishment.”

  
  

  Finger-pointing reached a fever pitch at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga yesterday when the Xanga Times obtained previously sealed grand jury documents from the BALCO trial.  According to those documents, a recently fired Dramamine Boy’s Xanga employee, who testified under the cloak of anonymity, took the stand and said:

  
  

  “Chuckie see everything!  Mr. Motivator rub cream on heads of staff to make staff smarter!  Mr. Motivator inject clear in hands to prevent staff from getting typing cramps!  Mr. Motivator say it flaxseed oil, but Chuckie no trust Mr. Motivator.

  
  

  When asked if Dramamine Boy himself was directly involved, the anonymous ex-employee stated, “Chuckie no see Master Dram with steroid.  Chuckie no know if Master Dram know anything about steroid.  Chuckie too busy hiding from hungry tiger to know for sure.”

  
  

  When confronted with the news of the BALCO trial, Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Headquarters released the following statement:

  
  

  “We categorically deny any wrongdoing here at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga.  We have never purchased any steroids, never distributed steroids and never witnessed any of our staff using steroids.  Come down to Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Headquarters and see for yourself!  We welcome an investigation!  We have nothing to hide!”

  
  

  

  
  

  “Uh… give us a couple of weeks to, um… clean up the place first.”

  • 6:13 am
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