December 17, 2004

• 

  
  

  On the fifth day of Dra-am, my true-love gave to me… five Dram da M.CCCCCCCCCCCCCs!

  
  

  The Twelve Days of Dram – Day Five

  
  

  Ever since Dramamine Boy’s Xanga debuted, there’s been one question that has remained unanswered.  One question that is on the minds of not only every Dramamine Boy’s Xanga staff member, but also on the minds of all of the readers out there.  And that question is…

  
  

  How can Dram make money doing this?

  
  

  Years have passed (I missed my 2nd Xangaversary on the 10th, BTW ) and the answer to this question has remained elusive.  I even hired some professional experts to help:

  
  

  

  
  

  But alas, even the Underpants Gnomes could not provide me with a solution… UNTIL TODAY!  That’s right, just in time for the holidays, it’s…

  
  

  The Dramamine Boy’s Xanga CafePress site!

  
  

  They’re perfect gifts for the person who has everything!  Actually, they’re also perfect gifts for the people who have some stuff and the people that have nothing (I don’t discriminate)!  There’s stuff here for everyone!  Need a baby gift?

  
  

  

  
  

  The Dramamine Boy Teddy Bear is your solution!  Got a golfer to buy for?

  
  

  

  
  

  Who WOULDN’T want a Dramamine Boy Golf Shirt!?!  Are you finding it hard to buy something for grandma?

  
  

  

  
  

  Just imagine the joy on her face when she’s chillin’ in her Dram da MC t-shirt while sippin’ a wine cooler from her very own Dram da MC mug!  And you better hurry!  Cuz as soon as word gets out, you’re gonna see Flava Flav with THIS around his neck!

  
  

  

  
  

  Yes, it’s the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Stupid Hat Clock!

  
  

  There’s eighteen different items on the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga CafePress site!  That’s like… one thing for every day of the month!  If, you know, it was February… and you don’t count the time that you’re asleep… and weekends.

  
  

  The Dramamine Boy’s Xanga CafePress site has already encountered a few small problems, however.  First, none of the products can have anything to do with Xanga.  As far as I can figure after reading the Xanga Terms of Use, I can’t use the Xanga logo nor can I mention the name “Xanga”.  I don’t think I can put “Dramamine Boy’s Xanga” or even “xanga.com/dramamineboy” on anything either.  So, that kind of limits what I can do.

  
  

  So, let’s run down the really cool things that you CAN’T buy.  For example, I can’t make a “Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Seal of Approval” pin.

  
  

  

  
  

  I also can’t put the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga banner picture on any products cuz “Xanga” appears in it. 

  
  

  

  
  

  No Dramamine Boy’s Xanga totebag… bummer.

  
  

  And due to those pesky copyright laws, I can’t do anything with the following Dramamine Boy’s Xanga pictures:
  
  

  
  

  No Star-Matrix movie poster!

  
  

  

  
  

  No The Last Samurai BBQ Chef’s Apron!

  
  

  

  
  

  No Yoda the Goalie Thong!

  
  

  And another thing… I only make like $1.00 or $2.00 on every product sold!  Oh sure, that’s double what I was making while playing Bejeweled, but still!  So, I decided to make a product that has just a tad more profit margin.  And what a coincidence, it’s also my favorite item!

  
  

  

  
  

  The Official Dramamine Boy Sticker!

  
  

  Suggested retail price* $2999.99
  Now only $99.99!

  
  

  * Price suggestion from the O.M.D.M.O.C.P. (Organization to Make Dram Money by Over-Charging for Products)

  
  

  Nothing says “I love Dram” more than purchasing something that has a 3915% markup!  Stupid CafePress won’t let me charge more than $99.99 on any product… doggone communists!  They’re stunting my financial well-being!

  
  

  So yeah, the products that CafePress makes are rather limiting.  I mean, how are you gonna get rich selling buttons and shirts!?!  I can’t even sell the Ultra-Amazing Dust Collector!  So, I sent a request to CafePress to add the following products to their catalog so I can make some REAL money!

  
  

  

  
  

  The Dramamine Boy’s Xanga M134 Mini-Gun!

  
  

  Comes with the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga’s Seal of Approval!  Yes, this baby fires an impressive 4000 rounds of 7.62mm ammunition per minute!  The perfect solution for slave-driving bosses, gossipy friends and noisy dogs!  And if you happen to miss your target 4000 times, no problem!  Just fire off a few rockets from the accompanying M158 70mm rocket launcher and blow your worries away!*

  
  

  *rockets sold separately

  
  

  But wait, there’s more!  Buy now and we’ll throw in a box of ammo for free!

  
  

  

  
  

  All for the low, low price of $425,000.00!

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Dram Force One!

  
  

  Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Approved!  Just think how impressed your friends will be when you show up to your prom in your very own airplane!  This Boeing 747 VC-25 comes with a secure, top-of-the-line communications system, a sophisticated anti-missile defense system and serves twelve different brands of root beer!

  
  

  Price: $4,200,000,000.00

  
  

  But until that happens, I guess I’ll have to settle for selling a few hundred rectangular stickers.

  
  

  So go now and BUY, BUY, BUY (especially the stickers)!  Not only will you be helping me make money, but you’ll also be… well… you’ll just be helping me make money.

  • 4:15 am
  • 8 Comments