December 13, 2004

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  Welcome to the Twelve Days of Dram!

  
  

  What exactly IS the Twelve Days of Dram?  Why, it’s quite simply the most ground-breaking event since Hands Across America!  It’s more exciting than a dental convention!  It’s more entertaining than listening to Fabio After Dark!

  
  

  The Twelve Days of Dram is EXACTLY like that song, The Twelve Days of Christmas, where you get a gift for twelve days in a row!  Well, there are some exceptions…

  
  

  1. You don’t really get a gift.

  
  

  2. Instead of getting those crappy gifts in that song, you get twelve straight days of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blogs (you decide whether this is better or worse)!

  
  

  3. Instead of running from Christmas to Epiphany, which is December 25th to January 6th (I had to look that up… and I haven’t the slightest idea what Epiphany is.  I thought it was that perfume in Boomerang) like the Twelve Days of Christmas, The Twelve Days of Dram runs from today to December 24th!  Why?  Cuz you mus’ be high if you think I’m gonna blog on Christmas and New Year’s!

  
  

  I’m sure you’re all wondering, “Wow, twelve straight days of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blogs!?!  You’ve never even blogged TWO days in a row!  Are you gonna be able to do it?”

  
  

  Probably not!  But we won’t know ’til we try now, will we?  And oh sure, some of the blogs probably won’t be as long or as entertaining as usual Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blogs.  It’ll be just like that whole Chanukah thing, where you get more gifts than Christmas, but they all kinda suck.

  
  

  What the heck is up with that Twelve Days of Christmas song, anyway?  Who the heck gives people those kinds of gifts for Christmas?  A partridge in a pear tree?  How do you wrap a pear tree?  And how do you keep the partridge IN the pear tree?  Rope?  Glue?  Staples?

  
  

  And where do you go to buy lords?  Don’t these guys have some town to lord-over or something?  How much money does this person have to be able to pay off a bunch of lords to abandon their kingdom to go jumping around some strange person’s house?  The amount must be astroNOMical!  Wouldn’t that money be better spent on GOOD presents?  A trip around the world?  A big screen TV?  Better hide that credit card bill, cuz I can hear it now…

  
  

  “You spent HOW MUCH on all these frikkin’ geese!?!”

  
  

  French hens?  Swans?  Pipers?  I gotta say that this so-called “true love” isn’t scoring many points with these gifts. 

  
  

  “Hey honey, remember the time I got you those ten lords a leaping?”

  
  

  “OF COURSE I REMEMBER!  THEY JUMP AROUND THE FRIKKIN’ HOUSE 24 HOURS A DAY!”

  
  

  And would you get one gift per day, or is it like the one new gift and all of the other gifts that came before it?  Like on the fourth day, were there four calling birds AND three french hens AND two turtle doves AND a partridge in a pear tree?  Cuz that’s what it seems like in the song.  If that’s the case, you’d get 184 freaking birds!  I mean, sure, the forty gold rings would be a pretty sweet trade-off, but you’d have to sell ‘em just to be able to buy bird food for 184 birds.

  
  

  And I’m pretty sure that the 140 maids, dancing ladies, lords, pipers and drummers are gonna need to get fed, too.  I don’t think you’re gonna keep ‘em happy by feeding them pears, goose eggs and unpasteurized milk three times a day, either.  I’m tellin’ ya, nothing ruins a party more than 22 hungry, pissed off pipers.  I betcha there’s gonna be some turtle dove sandwiches on the menu after a few days.

  
  

  So yeah… these are the types of blogs you should be expecting for the next eleven days.  After a few days of this, you’ll probably be wishing for a dreidel instead.

  • 4:55 am
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