November 5, 2004

• Before we get to today’s blog, first a couple of announcements:

  
  

  

  
  

  Suns 112, Hawks 82

  
  

  THAT’S RIGHT, BABY!  The Yuta Tabuse Era has begun!  He officially became the first Japanese-born player to play in the National Basketball Association on Wednesday.  In ten minutes of playing time, Yuta scored seven points!  At that rate, if he played the whole game, he woulda had 33 points!  THAT’S MVP TERRITORY, PEOPLE!

  
  

   The Yuta Line!

  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Minutes Played	Shots Made/Att	3-pointers Made/Att	Free Throws Made/Att	Rebounds	Assists	Steals	Blocks	Turnovers	Fouls	Points
  10.0	1/3	1/1	4/4	0	1	0	0	1	1	7

  
  

  
  

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  Apparently, there was some sort of election thing on Tuesday.  I caught part of the election coverage on TV and one thing stood out.  That was, the results for Idaho’s senator:

  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Crapo (Incumbent)	497,541	99%
  McClure	2,579	1%

  
  

  99 PERCENT TO 1!?!  And that McClure guy didn’t even really get 1 percent, either!  It’s like 0.51 percent!  Heck, even I got more votes than that when I ran for governor of California!

  
  

  Okay… maybe not.

  
  

  But still!  What did this guy do to lose by 99 percent!?!  Did he vow to wage a holy war on the American infidels?  Did he proclaim potatoes to be the food of the devil?  Did Michael Jackson change his name to McClure?

  
  

  Let me know what happened, Idaho Xangans!  And if you run into Mr. McClure, pass on a message for me:

  
  

  “Dude, you lost to a guy named CRAPO!”

  
  

  
  

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  Okay, now time for the blog for today…

  
  

  I’m sure everyone has at one time or another wished that they could fly like Superman, or be as strong as Superman, or have X-Ray vision like… uh, Superman.  Okay, so everyone wants to be Superman.  But, what about some of the other super heroes?  I mean, there’s some other super heroes that might be cool to become, but also a bunch that I’d rather not be.  Like that Toad guy from the first X-Men movie.  Sure, he can jump really high and spit some sort of green goop.  But, he eats flies!  How lame would that be?

  
  

  See, I don’t think people have thought this stuff out.  That’s where I come in.  Dramamine Boy’s Xanga presents…

  
  

  Top 5 Superheroes I Wouldn’t Want to Be

  
  

  

  
  

  5. Zan from the Wonder Twins - Sure, I could include both of the Wonder Twins here, but I gotta say that being Zan would suck much more than being Jayna.  For those of you unfamiliar with the Wonder Twins, they were part of the Super Friends cartoon show.  The Wonder Twins, named Zan and Jayna, were two dopes that the writers included with Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman so they could have someone totally screw up so Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman could save them.

  
  

  Jayna’s super power was being able to take the form of any animal.  So, she could become an eagle and peck your eyes out.  Or she could become a mouse so she could spy on the bad guys.  Or she could become a chihuahua and pee on you.  You know, cool stuff like that.

  
  

  Zan, on the other hand… his super power was to turn into any water form.  I’m still trying to figure out a crime-fighting scenario where this would be a plus.  Sure, Zan could turn into a big ice monster or something, but what good would that be?  One shot from the bad guys and he crumbles into a million pieces.  And don’t even think about trying to battle crime during the summer.

  
  

  The only useful thing I could think of is that if somebody like Robin was dying of thirst, he could drink Zan.  But, that would pretty much be the end of Zan.  Well… until Robin had to go to the bathroom, but I’m getting nauseous just thinking about that.  This scenario pretty much clinches it for me never wanting to be Zan.

  
  
  
  

  

  
  

  4. Hawkman - Sure, the guy can fly.  That’s pretty cool.  And yes, he has the ultra-sharp eyes and ears of a hawk.  I can see how those powers would be extremely useful in battling crime.  BUT HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT HE’S WEARING!?!  How would you like to stand in the 10 Item or Less line at your grocery store with that outfit on?  Or just think how much ridicule you’d get if you went to a football game.  You’d have to sit through the whole game and listen to drunk fans giving you a hard time.

  
  

  “Aren’t the mascots supposed to be on the field?”

  
  

  “Polly want some nachos?”

  
  

  “Hey, nice beak, pal!”

  
  

  And it’s not like you could tune them out either, Mr. I-Have-Hearing-Like-A-Hawk.  You’d have to continually beat up strangers just to save face.  Then the police will throw you in the drunk tank and the taunting will start all over again.  No thanks.

  
  
  
  

  
  

  
  

  3. Green Arrow - He is best marksman in the universe with a bow and arrow.  Some of his arrows are specially made to contain an explosive charge, or tear gas or a grappling hook.  I just have one question… HOW IS THIS GUY STILL ALIVE!?!  Let’s take a look at a scene from a Green Arrow comic:

  
  

  

  
  

  Why isn’t this happening to him in every issue!?!  I mean, the guy doesn’t have armor.  He doesn’t have super strength or super speed or super anything.  Maybe in the 1930s and ’40s he could get away with a bow and arrow against the cruder, less accurate guns back then.  But now?  He’s just gonna get a cap busted directly into his green butt.

  
  

  And that’s another thing… who is this guy gonna sneak up on with that outfit?  At least Hawkman could fly far above the bad guys so he could keep an eye on ‘em.  Unless there’s some serious crimes goin’ down at the local Robin Hood Rennaisance Faire, I just can’t see Green Arrow being able to keep a low profile.

  
  
  
  

  

  
  

  2. Aquaman - Super powers: can telepathically communicate with sea animals and get them to do anything he wants.  He’s also an excellent swimmer.

  
  

  Okay, unless you see Kevin Costner floating by because you’re living in Waterworld, what the heck good is Aquaman gonna do to protect you from crime?  Sure, Aquaman could put on a heck of a seal and dolphin show that would put Sea World to shame.  But what good is that if someone’s robbing a bank?  At least if there’s a robbery at a chinese restaurant, Aquaman could summon the crabs and lobsters and fish to jump out of their tanks and attack the gunman.  Otherwise, he’s gonna stand there along with everyone else, with his hands up in the air just like in that picture above, thinking, “Man, if these guys were sticking up an aquarium, I’d so rule”.

  
  
  
  

  

  
  

  1. The Hulk - “Are you nuts, Dram!?!  The Hulk is awesome!”.  Oh sure, The Hulk is like the strongest being on earth.  Even for a big guy, he can run at an enormous speed and jump a mile at a time.  The Hulk is pretty unstoppable.  So, why is The Hulk #1 on my list?

  
  

  Well, it’s not because he’s green.  Big deal.  If you’re kickin’ the crap out of everyone, who cares what you look like?  Well… unless you’re Hawkman.

  
  

  Look at it this way.  The Hulk is usually mild-mannered Dr. Bruce Banner and only turns into The Hulk when he gets angry.  Due to this, Dr. Banner’s expense account has gotta be enormous.  I mean, he’s gotta be a doctor just so he can pay for all the stuff he destroys when he turns into The Hulk!  For example, let’s say I’m driving down the road and some moron cuts me off, almost causing an accident.  I get mad and BAM!  I turn into The Hulk and my whole car is toast.

  
  

  Or, let’s say I’m playing Counter-Strike and some dumb guy with less of a life than me keeps killing me.  I get mad and BAM!  HULK SMASH!  And just like that, I need to buy a new computer.

  
  

  Let’s not forget all the clothes you ruin everytime you turn into The Hulk.  You’d have to become a monk or a pacifist or something just to save money.

  
  

  And what kind of friends are you gonna have?  The first time a friend angers you, you turn into The Hulk and pound your friend into the ground.  Nobody’s gonna wanna hang out with you.  And even if you do encounter some people you’d love to beat up, so what?  You get mad, turn into The Hulk, kick the crap out of them and then turn back into Dr. Banner, unable to remember anything that happened.  What fun is that if you can’t savor the moment?

  
  

  So, you can have all that super power stuff.  I’m still holding out to be a wrestler on ¡Mucha Lucha!  I could be El Muchacho de Dramamine, making my opponents dizzy and nauseous with my erratic, motion sickness-inducing moves.

  
  

  I’d so kick the crap out of The Flea.  I’d have him throwing up all over the place.  I’m tellin’ ya, that would be the coolest episode ever.

  • 6:02 am
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