October 14, 2004
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Congrats to pieyears, Dramamine Boy’s Xanga’s 25,000th visitor! He is now the proud owner of Gmail!
Man… that was kinda too easy. Just show up and win something. I gotta make it harder next time. Maybe the 50,000th visitor will have to navigate an obstacle course or provide feats of strength or at least “answer me these questions three”.
Anyway… woohoo! Go pieyears for randomly showing up at the right time!
Coming in a close second was arnie_flangehead, who also claimed to be the 25,000th visitor. However, we here at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga have learned our lesson from the 10,000th visitor fiasco and hired expert fact-checkers, who after three days of carefully examining his screenshot, determined that Arnie was not the 25,000th visitor.
Good thing, too, cuz if we had two winners again like last time, I was gonna have ‘em duke it out for the winner spot.
And speaking of “duking it out”, I’m gonna blog about something that has bothered me for a long time. I thought about this while watching the Athens Olympics and-
*knock knock*
GO AWAY! I’M NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT THE OLYMPICS!
Just makin’ sure.
GEEZ… anyway, I was wondering how some of these events are considered sports. Rhythmic gymnastics!?! Synchronized diving!?! Mountain biking!?! These are sports!?! What the heck is and what isn’t a sport these days? I checked with Merriam Webster Online and they define a sport as:
To engage in a sport
Gee… thanks for that awesome definition. So, I read a little further and found an alternate meaning:
sexual play
HUH!?! Since when? Man, next time my buddies say, “Wanna go play some sports?”, I’m seriously gonna think twice.
So, I went to the Encyclopedia Brittanica website and found:
Recreational or competitive activities that involve a degree of physical strength or skill.
Now we’re talkin’. But, it’s still pretty vague. I mean, hopscotch is recreational and it can be pretty doggone competitive sometimes, so does that mean it’s a sport? Are you tryin’ to tell me hopscotch and football are similar!?! There’s gotta be a better way of defining what is and isn’t a sport.
And who better to answer that question than me! Cuz I have like… qualifications and stuff.
After researching a multitude of games and activities, I’ve come up with the following rules for determining if you’re playing a sport:
Rule #1: Extreme physical exertion is a must - This rule points directly at those ESPN commercials about The World Series of Poker, calling poker a sport. I beg to differ. If you can drink beer or eat hot dogs while playing your “sport”, you’re not playing a sport. If the most physical exertion in your “sport” is pushing a pile of poker chips while sitting at a table, you’re not playing a sport. If you burn more calories celebrating than actually playing your “sport”, you’re not playing a sport.
WOOHOO! FULL HOU- OW!… I think I just threw out my back
Rule #2: You don’t look silly/stupid while playing - There are various levels of this in pretty much every sport, but there’s a difference between looking “sometimes silly” and “usually silly”. Also, extreme silliness/stupidity immediately eliminates certain “sports” from further consideration.
THIS MEANS YOU, SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING!
Rule #3: There are no judges determining winners and losers - Let’s say you’re Canadian and you train your whole life to enter the highest level of competition for your “sport”. You give your best performance ever, but the Russian judge decides to jack your chances of winning because he hates all Canadians cuz Kristin Kreuk didn’t answer his fan letter asking her to marry him. If this can happen, then I must say that you’re not playing a sport.
This is a very important rule. So important, that any “sports” that are scored by judges are thrown out. This eliminates all gymnastics, diving, boxing (if there’s no knockout), cheerleading competitions (sorry Tiff!!), skateboarding, ice skating, ice dancing, ball room dancing, square dancing… heck, pretty much all dancing.
I know I just upset a whole bunch of people with this rule. How about we call them “artistic competitions”? Doesn’t that sound nicer anyway?
Rule #4: There’s a ball or puck or something to whack/carry/throw around - Pretty much every true sport has a ball or something like that involved. But, it isn’t a sport just because a ball is involved.
Paper football… not a sport
Rule #5: In the course of normal play, opponents can inflict bodily damage on you - Now, I want to stress “normal play”. For example, unless some psycho decides to start shooting competitors during an archery competition, opponents aren’t usually getting hurt.
After compiling these rules, I’ve come up with a scoring system. You get one point for each of the rules above that pertain to your “sport”. I’ve determined that if an activity scores a 4 or 5, then congratulations, you’re playing a sport! Anything less than a 4 is not, plain and simple.
Also, it would be good for some of the inventors of these psuedo-sports to see this list, so they can change their rules to make it more sports-worthy. For example:
Spelling Bee? Only rates a wimpy, non-sport “two”.
Full-Contact Spelling Bee? That’s a sport-worthy “four”!
Got it? Okay, on with the list!
TRUE SPORTS – 5 points
Baseball – 5
Football – 5
Basketball – 5
Hockey – 5
Soccer – 5
Volleyball – 5
Rollerball – 5 (When is this going to be a real sport!?! I mean, with all the reality shows out there, there’s GOTTA be people desperate enough for attention to play rollerball!)
Rugby – 5
Australian Rules Football – 5
Dodgeball – 5
Women’s Softball – 5
SPORTS – 4 points
Men’s Softball – 4 (there’s no extreme physical exertion in men’s softball!)
Tennis – 4
Badminton – 4
Racketball/Handball – 4 (those goofy-looking goggles prevent a 5 rating)
Smear the Queer – 4
Auto Racing – 4
Boxing – 4 (disqualified if they have to go to the judge’s cards to determine a winner)
Slamball – 4
Polo – 4
Water Polo – 4
Running Man – 4 (like from the Arnold Schwartzenegger movie… not the dance move)
Lacrosse – 4
Calvinball – 4
ALMOST SPORTS – 3 points
Bowling – 3
Ping Pong – 3
Cricket – 3
Cycling – 3
Golf – 3 (subtract 1 if you wear loud shirts with plaid pants, add 1 if you’re really good at hitting other golfers with golf balls)
Team Handball – 3
Bobsled – 3
Sailing – 3
Roller Derby – 3
Running (100m dash, marathon, etc) – 3
Speed Skating – 3
Skiing – 3
Pool/billiards – 3
Tree Climbing Competition – 3
Wrestling (Sumo, Greco-Roman, Professional, Wrist, etc) – 3
Swimming – 3
Demolition Derby – 3
Tag – 3
Quarters – 3
Whiffleball – 3
Fencing – 3 (JUST FOR YOU, DLORDCLETUS!)
DEFINITE NON-SPORTS – 2 points
Curling – 2 (I’m sorry Canada, but if curling is a sport, then cleaning the kitchen is a sport. Curling is one step away from shuffleboard and if old, retired people can play, it’s not a sport!… hey, that should be another rule)
Monster Truck Races – 2
Paintball – 2
Equestrian – 2
Jump rope – 2
Hackysack – 2
Luge – 2 (bobsled = you look cool… luge = you look silly… luge doubles = eliminated for extreme silliness)
WHO THOUGHT THIS UP!?!
Chess – 2
Paper Football – 2
American Gladiator game where you’re running around inside a big metal ball – 2
20km Walk – 2
Cat Juggling – 2
Thumb Wrestling – 2
MXC’s Sinkers and Floaters – 2
Cow Tipping – 2
Refrigerator Racing – 2
Obstacle Course from the Malibu Sands episode of Saved By The Bell – 2
Minesweeper – 2
Cross-country Tiddlywinks – 2 (upgraded to a 2 after further review by drphilmd)
SORRY EXCUSES FOR SPORTS – 1 point
Jan-Ken-Po – 1
That old Electric Football game where you spend 1/2 an hour lining up your players, but no matter how you line them up, they just end up running around in random circles when you turn on the electricity – 1
It may look cool… but it’s not
Tricycle Race from Revenge of the Nerds – 1
Any game from The Price is Right – 1
Fishing – 1
Horseshoes – 1
Pinball – 1
That game where you throw a frisbee and your dog goes to catch it – 1
Hot Dog Eating Contest – 1 (my apologies to Takeru Kobayashi!)
Chutes and Ladders and other board games – 1
Marco Polo – 1
Hopscotch – 1
That thing that Fonzie’s cousin on Happy Days did, catching quarters after balancing them on his forearm – 1
“Pull my finger” – 1
Pin the Tail on the Donkey – 1 (2 if you have really dumb kids that don’t pay attention when a blindfolded kid is walking around with a sharp metal object in his/her hand)
So there you have it. If you have any questions on other “sports”, you can refer to the requirements I laid out above.
This has been a public service announcement from Dramamine Boy’s Xanga.
Comments (20)
Wish i was the one who one lol. Nice site you’ve got here.
calvinball should be a true sport!
Dram…. consider this an intervention….. you have Olympics fever…. LITERALLY!!!
Smear the Queer and Calvinball? Haha and tag, awesome, I’d love to see that on The Olympics.
i would like to have you know that it takes a lot of skill and exertion to tip a cow. moooooooo…*plop*
I personally thing that nude oil-wrestling should be a sport. Think of all the physical exhertion you have to spend trying to latch on to your opponent!
*grin*
HEYYY….paintballs can be pretty freakin’ painful when they hit you. I dunno about you, but I came out with bruises last time I went.
It’s a ton of fun, though…..it’s just a little scary when you see ex-Navy SEALS come out onto the field. That’s when you run.
What about swimming?
I broke my thumb during a swim meet once. And once I broke my nose.
Hey man! Jan-Ken-Po is a perfectly respectable sport! It’s true mystique lies within the volume in which you shout the name of the thing you played, and the disgruntled looks on the loser’s faces. Those looks should seriously be judged.
Calvinball! That’s great. But you discounted all running? Aren’t you strict?
Hahahaha~ some of these “sports” are more like games for kids/elders. Pretty fun tho!
i would like to contest the ruling on speed skating and swimming. I think extreme physical exertion should count for 2 points!!!
***synchronize swimming not included in above contest-ation.
oooh i like that minesweeper is as much of a sport as chess!!!
p.s. the malibu sands episodes of saved by the bell were my FAVORITE… right after the one where the girls get together and make that music video and jessie gets addicted to those caffeine pills, and the one where slater does his ballerina thing to make up with jessie, and the one where kelly can’t afford to go to the dance/prom and zack takes her outside of the school gym and they dance together, and the one where they keep pranking that other school and the mascot gets abducted after they still the dog from the other school and then he tumbles through the cheerleaders…. okay enough of that.
p.p.s. i loved zack morris and his gray brick cell phone. PIMP.
sinkers and floaters.. LOL too funny
Holy Saved-By-The-Bell-psycho Batman.
Okay
1. I like the new header, unfortunately if you notice that little orange sign in the left hand corner, the one with the red spot and the little spots inside it? Yeah that one. I used to eat at that place about once a week when I lived in Japan and now that I’m back here I can’t get that kind of food and YOU sir just reminded me of it.
2. You didn’t include Fencing in your listing, I realize you can’t think of including every sport/non sport in the world in you little blog, but, *sniff* everybody always forgets fencing. You know they tried to take it out of the olympics and replace it with Ballroom dancing don’t you? Now if we combined the two, would that make a sport?
i’m thinkin’ cross-country tiddlywinks deserves a higher score. Just think:
Physical exertion. check.
No judges, just pure tiddlywink magic. check.
carrying around those chips. check.
Granted you may look stupid playing it… give it a three, Dram. a THREE!
The luge doubles looks like some crazy new sex position. No thank you ma’m! I agree with your rules, you tell ‘em Dram! Don’t let these so-called ”sports” like Poker get in there! No way!
And major props for including Teen Girl Squad
Fate_and_destiny_for_real - Thanks and welcome to the site!
lilwa11y - Hahahah… yeah! I think the only thing holding it back is not being able to bet on it. I mean, how are you gonna set a point spread for Calvinball?
emmses - Shhhhhh… the ATB people will hear you!
insertusername - Actually, I’d probably pay good money to see Smear the Queer with 20 highly trained athletes trying to smoosh one guy.
tjthunderball - Maybe, but you look silly doin’ it!
neko_nog - While wrestling got a “3″, I’d have to give nude oil wrestling a “2″, cuz you just look silly wading around nude in a big tub of oil.
CindyWang - One point for no judges, one point for inflicting damage. I couldn’t bring myself to giving a point for the paintball being a ball. As for physical exertion, there’s too much hiding and cowering behind trees to be considered “extreme”.
manvsmachine - Swimming got a “3″. It has to be someone ELSE that can inflict damage on you, not yourself. Heck, I can hurt myself playing Monopoly!
CATSeternity - They need to have some sort of punishment for the loser… like the winner gets to kick the loser in the shin. Then you can have the loser try to run away from the punishment. THAT would be a “3″ right there!
grisaleen - Well, those events got a “3″, that’s not too bad. If it was the 100 meter basketball dribble, then you could add a point for having a ball involved… but you’d have to subtract a point for looking silly.
LOL at the psycho comment!
amarshmallow - Yeah, that’s why they’re not sports! I think my system works pretty well, don’t you?
sydney_chickie - Well, if both of those sports let contestants hit other contestants with bats or something, THEN you’d have a sport!
silverite - Okay, I only remember like every episode that you mentioned… I dunno if I should’ve admitted that.
silverain - Yeah, that one always makes me laugh.
dlordcletus - Whoa, what a small world! Hey, you went to that place all the time and never thought about sending me a pic of my billboard!?!
drphilmd - Hahahaha… well ya see, I didn’t give a point for physical exertion cuz all you’re doing is “tiddling” a tiddlywink and then moving forward and repeating. You might get a sore thumb or something, but that’s about it. I guess you could give a point for tiddlywinks being like a ball or puck or something.
KittyKat7 - I’m totally crushing.
Oops … bit late with my comment – I’ll just sit down quietly at the back.
Anyway, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were implying that there is a smidgen of doubt about my entry being one hundred percent genuine.
Nevermind, what would I do with another donkey in this apartment anyway.