August 20, 2004

• We interrupt Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Site - The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics* for this important announcement:

  
  

  

  
  

  This isn’t really gonna be the usual Dramamine Boy’s Xanga movie review, but it’s more like a warning.

  
  

  Now, I’m not saying that this movie is bad.  It’s a japanese film with japanese actors and actresses… it’s like my job to support and promote these things.  It’s a new version of the blind swordsman, Zatoichi, who first appeared on-screen in 1962.  Sure, he looks nothing like the old Zatoichi and he’s a couple of globs of hair gel away from looking like an older, japanese samurai version of Billy Idol (I’m sure there were TONS of blonde japanese in medieval Japan).  But once you get past that, there’s some great scenes, good swordplay and an ample amount of humor sprinkled throughout.  So, go see it.  Just don’t stay ’til the end.
   
  Now, I don’t want to ruin things by giving away the climax (although when the title of the movie is the lead character’s name and the guy that wrote the screenplay and directed the film also plays the lead character, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out how the story is gonna unfold), but when you see Zatoichi slice a guy’s eyes out, leave the theater.  Serious.  Just get up and leave.  No good is going to come out of you staying.  Drop the popcorn on the ground and go.  There’s no reason to wait for the credits.  They’re in japanese anyway.  Look the people up on the internet if you wanna know who was in the movie.

  
  

  Here’s the sequence of events at the end of the movie, so you can plan your escape:

  
  

  
  
  • Zatoichi scene
    
  • Festival scene
    
  • Zatoichi slices a guy’s eyes out
    
  • LEAVE!

  
  

  You’ve seen all you need to see after that second Zatoichi scene!  There’s no more plot development!  When that second Zatoichi scene ends, applaud, stand up, walk towards the exit and don’t look back.  You’ll drive home talking about how entertaining that movie was.

  
  

  If you’re the type of person that refuses to leave before the end of a movie… then don’t go.  No, really.  Stay at home and pop in The Golden Girls Season One DVD or something. 

  
  

  Now, I know by me saying all of this, people are gonna be naturally curious and may stay just to see what I’m all worked up about.  Believe me, you REALLY don’t want to know what happens.  But if you need a hint of what you’d be missing in order to be convinced, here you go…

  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  They turn medieval Japan into a Janet Jackson video.

  
  

  

  
  
  
  
  

  There, I said it.  Now run.  Run like you’ve never run before.

  
  

  Now, it’s not like I don’t like artistic-type things… sure, I usually don’t understand them, but so what.  For example, I thought the interplay between the musical score and the workers in the rice fields was pretty cool.  When they got to building the house, I felt like I was watching a Stomp performance, but that’s okay.

  
  

  But dude… the end… wow.  This is a samurai movie.  The last thing that I thought would enter my mind was wondering if Zatoichi was gonna moonwalk across the screen.

  
  

  So enjoy the movie.  Just finish your Jujube’s early.  Trust me.

  
  

  We now return you to Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Site - The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics*… as soon as I think of something to say.

  • 4:57 pm
  • 13 Comments