August 17, 2004

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  Welcome to Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Site, now called…

  
  

  Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Site
  The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics!*

  
  

  * As long as “official” can be used without any prior agreement or monetary compensation

  
  

  That’s right, Dram’s been watching a lot of Olympics over the last few days.  I believe it’s the only time I’ll ever voluntarily watch men in tights prancing around on the floor.

  
  

  Anyway, as the Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics, I’ll be throwing in my thoughts about the goings-on in Athens.  Sorta like a reporter’s view of the Games, except… well, I’m too cheap to go there in person.

  
  

  First, I’d like to give a few pointers on how to make the Olympics much cooler.  Since this is The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics, Olympic participants will hopefully be reading this and will implement a lot of these things soon.

  
  

  Top 10 Things I Would Like to See at the Olympics

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  10.	A judo participant deploys the Daniel LaRusso crane technique – I watched judo the other day and man, it’s gotta be the crappiest martial art ever.  It’s like watching two drunk people trying to fight.  They grab each other’s gis and semi-wrestle until they end up on the ground hugging each other.  Then, the referee tells them to get up so they can do it again… yawn.
  9.	Rulon Gardner makes it back to the finals of the men’s greco-roman wrestling final and his opponent… “Macho Man” Randy Savage  “Oooooooh yyyyyeah, the Ma-cho Man’s gonna bring a world of hurt down on you, little man”
  8.	Allen Iverson uses the “bucket of confetti” trick on unsuspecting Angolan basketball player
  7.	A gymnast receives a really, really low score - Geez, people are fallin’ off of the high bar, landing on their face on the vault and all sorts of other penalties and they still receive something like an 8.575.  I wanna know what it takes to get something REALLY low, like… a 0.862.  What if a gymnast’s entire high bar routine consists of hanging upside down from the high bar and flipping off the judges?  What if a gymnast doing the floor exercise does a double layout on their first pass… then spends the next five minutes doing nothing except stepping in and out of bounds?  What if a gymnast runs up to the pommel horse to do their vault and instead of vaulting, they just jump up on the horse and yell, “YEEEEEHAW!  GIDDIE UP!”?  What would be their score then?  I NEED TO KNOW!
  6.	The 4x100m Dogpaddle Relay
  5.	The Greek baseball team takes the field, sponsored by Chico’s Bail Bonds  – Good lord, this team lost their first game, 11-0 to… THE NETHERLANDS!  I dunno, I’ve followed baseball for quite a large amount of my life and I never remember anyone saying, “Man, those Dutch sure do play a mean game of baseball”.  The Greeks only got two hits in that game.  I believe they were both by Lupus Koutsantonakis. Speaking of which, this has got to be one of the coolest things ever.
  4.	First terrorist attack on these Olympic games fails when the Taliban chooses the Pistol Shooting competition as their first target
  3.	Rhythmic gymnast chooses to do her routine to the song, Da’ Butt by E.U. –  In fact, every gymnast should have their music picked by me.  That’s the only way I’m watchin’ this silly, made-up event.  Wouldn’t you watch if these “gymnasts” were prancing around the mat twirlin’ that silly ribbon-thing while the speaker blares, “Theresa got a big ol’ butt! (oh yeah?)”?
  2.	A diver doing a cannonball - Let’s say you’re in last place.  You have no chance to win.  You have one dive left.  WHY NOT DO A CANNONBALL!?!  How cool would that be!?!  You would be voted “Cool Person of the Olympics”!  You’d be on every newscast in the world!  People would remember you forever!
  1.	MORE BADMINTON! - DUDE!  Actual badminton is being played on television!  I’m so happy, I might start hugging random bag ladies.  Asians kicking the crap out of everyone in an Olympic sport… WHAT MORE COULD I ASK FOR!?!

  
  

  
  You know what we need on TV?  We need “The Sarcastic Channel”.  It’d be just like Mystery Science Theater 3000, except with more recent programming instead of old movies.  They would show non-funny shows and have a couple of people sit there and ridicule everything about it.  Heck, they can get Crow and Tom Servo from MST3k on there… I’m sure they’re not doin’ much these days.  Or, if they can’t create their own channel, then maybe just have them belittling these programs on the SAP audio channel, so people can switch to that audio when the regular program begins to suck.

  
  

  And another thing… if they put spanish on the SAP channel when I’m watching Friends, why can’t I flip it to the spanish station and listen to english on the SAP channel?  If the english stations cater to the spanish minority, why can’t the spanish stations cater to the english-speaking majority?  Wouldn’t you think they’d want a larger viewing audience?  On those spanish variety shows, the audience is laughin’ their butts off… I wanna know what’s so funny!  Doggone SAP channel discrimination, I tell you.

  
  

  
  …

  
  

  
  Okay, what was I talkin’ about.  Oh yeah… the Olympics.

  
  

  How did this Sarcastic Channel idea come about?  I thought about it while I was watching a perfect example of the type of show they would have on The Sarcastic Channel… the Olympic Opening Ceremony.

  
  

  Now, if there was a Sacrastic Channel and for some unbelievable reason they invited me to talk about the Opening Ceremony, this is some of the stuff you would’ve heard…

  
  

  Things I Said During the Olympic Opening Ceremony

  
  

  Well, actually it’s Things I Thought During the Olympic Opening Ceremony, since I was watchin’ it by myself.  Cuz you know… I would never talk out loud to myself… um… yeah.  If you didn’t watch the Opening Ceremony, then this won’t make any sense.  If you did watch the Opening Ceremony, well, this probably won’t make any sense, either.  This is presented in chronological order… give or take a few things that I forgot when they happened.

  
  

   - It’s a good thing that Bob Costas and Katie Couric are explaining the meaning behind all these Opening Ceremony performances and floats.  Otherwise, I never would’ve known that the international image of “man evolving into a logical being in search of knowledge” is represented by a half-naked guy walking on a giant sugar cube. 

  
  

   - Actress to greek movie casting director: “And in 2004, I was Building Column #3 at the Olympics”

  
  

   - Reason #8 to get a good broadcasting partner: Katie mentioned that Alexander The Great was in the Olympics and didn’t do too well.  So, Bob tried to make a joke, calling him “Alexander the So-So”.  And Katie… left him ENTIRELY out to dry.  She didn’t laugh, she didn’t make a similar dumb joke or immediately talk about the next float to help him out.  Just dead silence, which seemed to last like… forever.  It was like the time I was making a speech in Speech class and made a dumb joke and I paused for a laugh and nobody laughed.  I glanced down and two students in the front row looked at each other and gave a “that was sooooo dumb” look to each other.  I really coulda used a fire drill or a tornado or something right about then to break the silence.

  
  

   - SHE’S GIVING BIRTH TO E.T.!

  
  

   - During the Parade of Nations, introduced between Brazil and France was The British Virgin Islands.  There’s like 200+ Brazilians dancing around and 300+ French smiling and waving and in between them was ONE DUDE from the British Virgin Islands.  And he’s just walkin’ stoically with his British Virgin Islands flag, minding his own business.  COME ON, MAN!  Do something memorable!  Carry around a six pack of beer!  Wave your hands in the air and wave ‘em like you just don’t care!  Run up and pants one of the Brazilians!  What are the British Virgin Islands officials gonna do?  Suspend you?  You’re the only one that qualified for the Olympics out of the whole frikkin’ country!  LIVE IT UP!

  
  

   - “Albaniaaaaa… Albaniaaaaa… you border on, the Ad-ri-atic”

  
  

   - I didn’t know Special Ed from Crank Yankers was Italian.

  
  

   - Did anyone see that guy from China texting someone on his cell phone!?!  What the heck?  You spend your entire life training (and believe me, they got uneven parallel bars set up in these kids’ cribs in China) to get to the Olympics.  You finally make it and will soon compete for a gold medal to realize your (and your government’s) life-long dream.  You’re walkin’ in the doggone Olympic Opening Ceremony and you’re taking time out to text your buddy back in China to say, “y0 i B r3ppIn’ cHiNa, dAwG!!1″?

  
  

   - When Nepal came on the screen, was I the only one that said, “VIVA NEPAL!”?

  
  

   - I didn’t know Robin Hood was from Nigeria.

  
  

   - Dude, that South African guy brought a beer bong to the Opening Ceremony!

  
  

   - Did Bob Costas really just say “props” when translating a speech by Jacques Rogge!?!

  
  

   - After three hours of strange parades and watching thousands of athletes that I don’t know walk across my screen, things are finally getting good.  The President of Greece officially opens the games, the entire crowd ring bells, kids rush the track with olive branches and… they go to a commercial!?!  FOR JOEY!?!

  
  

  

  
  

  A CURSE ON YOU, NBC AND YOUR JOEY PIMPING!!

  
  

   - You know how when they light the Olympic Torch, the flame bearer touches his flame to the gas eminating from the torch and it immediately bursts into a great big fireball?  Well, when they tilted the torch down so it was pointing DIRECTLY AT the guy with the flame, was I the only person that thought, “OH MY GOD, they’re gonna set that guy on fire!  A human sacrifice to the Greek gods on national television!”?

  
  

  So that’s all I got on the Olympics for now.  I’ll be watchin’ more Olympic events, so be sure to come back often to Dramamine Boy’s Xanga – The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics for up-to-the-minute news about the Olympics!**

  
  

  ** 1 Dram minute = 4 days… okay, maybe 7

  
  

  

  • 4:10 am
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