July 28, 2004
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Yeah, yeah, I know… “Hey Dram, could you talk about a movie that’s any OLDER!?!”. Hey, it takes time to construct these movie review blogs! Having the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga staff carefully studying each and every frame of the movie and sorting through mountains of information takes up a lot of time ya know! (read: I’ve been lazy and have been playing a lot of Counter-Strike)
Okay, for those of you who haven’t seen the movie, it’s a story about how we jacked up the planet so bad, global warming is about to drastically alter the earth’s weather, triggering a sudden ice age.
In the opening moments of the film, we have a snowstorm in India, softball-sized hail falling in Japan (oh sure, let’s pick the asian guy as the one stupid enough to run through a softball-sized hailstorm
) and tornadoes in Los Angeles. For some reason, none of this is odd to anyone other than Bilbo Baggins and the guy that got stuck inside Martin Short.
The experts gather and determine that there’s now a number of deadly storms moving from the north that will instantly freeze anyone caught in it, killing them immediately. By the time the storms dissipate, most of the northern hemisphere will be covered in snow and ice, killing millions.
Things pick up, however, when Jack (the Martin Short guy) and his team of experts are joined by the girl from Karate Kid II! Woohoo! Seriously, when was the last time anyone saw her (well, other than my pal Scott)? IT’S ABOUT TIME SHE GETS SOME WORK! Asians getting work in major motion pictures! I’m so happy, I’m expecting to see Gedde Watanabe in the next Star Wars film.
“Let’s see what you have learned Anakin… Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Stupid! You’re so stupid!”
This movie uses the Die Hard Chain of Stupidity, where the higher you go up the chain of command, the stupider the people are. In this movie, the head of the weather center hinders Jack’s progress to solve the weather problem. Then, the Vice President of the United States ignores Jack’s expert advice to evacuate the northern states, which ends up killing hundreds of thousands of americans. By extrapolating this chain of stupidity, you can deduce that the President of the United States in this movie is George W. Bush.
Political humor… woohoo.
So, Jack finds out that his genius son, who travelled to New York City for some sort of nerd contest, is trapped in NYC and will probably die when the frozen storm gets there. Jack decides to go rescue him and his nerd friends. As Jack prepares for his suicide mission to get his son, this exchange occurs:
Jack’s Teammate #1: I’m going with you.
Jack’s Teammate #2: I’m going with you, too.
Karate Kid II Girl: Good luck.
What the heck!?! The Karate Kid II girl joins the team and then when they decide to go out on a dangerous mission, she ditches ‘em!?! IS THIS WHY SHE WASN’T IN KARATE KID III!?! After seein’ this movie, I can pretty much figure out what happened after the end of Karate Kid II:
Daniel-san: Welp, I just saved your life, your village and helped end a rivalry that has lasted 50 years, Karate Kid II Girl. I’m heading back to America.
Mr. Miyagi: I’m heading back to America, too.
Karate Kid II Girl: Later.
The scene shifts to Jack’s son (Sam) and his nerd friends in New York City. A tidal wave hits NYC and Sam saves Laura (his nerd contest teammate who he wants to do more than just calculate derivatives with) from certain death. They rush into the New York Public Library for safety, along with a hundred or so other people.
That’s funny… I don’t remember that wall of water there before
So, she suddenly starts falling for him as well. Man, it takes natural disasters of biblical proportions for this guy to score? I betcha she regrets saying, “Listen loser, there’ll be snow in India before we become a couple!”. A pretty large miscalculation on her part.
Another miscalculation… after cutting her leg in the flooded streets of New York City, she comes down with an infection. But, she ignores the pain and swelling and ends up falling into a feverish coma. So wait… she cuts her leg while wading in the rat-infested sewer water of New York City and the chance of an infection never enters her mind? I mean, I worry about an infection when I get a PAPER CUT! And this girl is supposed to be one of the smartest of her age?
Okay, here’s the scenario. You’ve just survived a flood caused by a tidal wave that has washed over all of New York City. Now, it’s snowing and the temperature has dropped so low that fifteen feet of water just froze over. Do you:
A) listen to the advice of a climatologist about the impending deadly-cold weather and stay in a building (the library) which has an unlimited supply of firewood (books/tables/bookshelves), or
B) listen to a security guard who suggests trying to walk to Washington D.C. From New York City. In the worst snowstorm ever. With just a jacket and a blanket to prevent you from freezing to death.
Guess which one most of the people listen to.
So, everyone else leaves the library, except for the
spelling beenerd kids and a few others. They decide to raid a couple of vending machines downstairs for chips and candy bars to tide them over for the next few days. Um… hello? What’s keeping you from just walking outside to the nearest 7-11? I mean, I’m guessing there aren’t too many 7-11′s near the New York Public Library, and sure, some of the restaurants are buried under 15 feet of snow, but there’s gotta be at least a couple of buildings they can climb into that have more food inside. HOW AM I SMARTER THAN THESE PEOPLE!?!
After the storm passes through New York City, dad finally shows up at the site of the library and things are looking bleak. He climbs over a mountain of snow and spots the roof of the library, which is almost totally buried in snow.
He climbs through a window, walks around and finds the kids in the room, fire blazing in the chimney.
Now… when he first showed up, where was the smoke billowing from the chimney? He should’ve seen smoke! No smoke = no fire = dead kids!
Don’t believe me!?! Why, I have the proof right here!
Since No Smoke = No Fire, you can deduce that Smoke = Fire, which also proves the old adage, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire”. It also proves that No Kids = Dead Smoke… I’m not sure what that means, exactly, but I’m sure it’s true.
And you people thought geometry wouldn’t be worth squat after high school!
Geometric humor… woohoo.
Due to misterdonut‘s expert knowledge (read: he’s more of a nerd than I am
EDIT:
), he pointed out an error in my proof, so I corrected it. NO WONDER I GOT A B IN GEOMETRY!
Thank you, Bill!
Comments (27)
nothing makes more happy than seeing long duk dong. he stole the movie ”16 candles.”
tamlyn tomita is that karate kid ii chick who also played the mean friend in the movie “joy luck club.” i still haven’t forgiven her for being mean to ming na’s character. yes i hold grudges on behalf of movie characters.
that geometry example brings me back to jr hs with mrs. berman who scared the crap out of me with those proofs. why did we have to prove anything? i was happy just to give the answer “because it’s true.” she didn’t like that so much.
That was the funniest math problem. You put way too much thought into it and now you must be stopped before people start thinking that math is FUN or something.
Haha just like the one that proved girls were evil…
That’s fantastic. I bow and scrape at your feet.
I always sucjed at proofs, but come one, this one is so logical! It’s edutainment Dram, edutainment.
Holy Lord, Dram. Not only are you funny as hell, but no you’re a freakin’ genius, too? Although that proof there at the end made me break out in cold sweats. Proofs were a nightmare for No-Math-Scotty back in high school. I only passed Geometry because we chilled on the proofs for six weeks. Yack yack spit spit.
Haha! I never learned proofs cuz my geometry teacher had spent the entire hour of everyday talking about how he went up to Canada with his wife and a moose stared at them.
OH god! that was great. I knew geometry would be worth something, but not proofs. I guess you proved me wrong. oh well. Not that I planned on seeing the movie anyway, but now I know that I don’t want to see it and it is all thanks to you. Thanks Dramamineboy for saving me from renting and seeing this hoorible movie!
the fact that you used proofs blew me away….hahaha the good ol’ days
brilliant.
that’s waverly from “joy luck club”. didn’t she also appeared in some sort of sci-fi show on the upn? and oooh.. a small role on “24″ season 1 i believe. wth is wrong with me? i sound like i’m a stalker to tamlyn tomita of all ppl?
i hate math. and i’m also in the wrong field too!
god i HATED geometry. much thanks to my h.c.t.i.b math teacher back in HS. i swear, some of them go into their profession for the sole purpose of tormenting kids. hate them hate them hate them.
political and geometrical humour. woohoo. did i get lucky today!!!!
that karate kid part II looks exactly like my co-worker. i’ve been trying to pinpoint who she looks like!
just for that, you get my promise to rescue you when san francisco gets a snow storm. woot! (i’ll bring you bubble tea. … with pearls!)
This was a really good entry. I especially enjoy the geometry part, those kids should have come up with a much better idea for keeping alive. If I were one of the actors, I would have changed the script and made it better.
i dunno man – an isosceles triangle has only 2 equal sides. does that throw a wrench in your second statement? an equilateral triangle however has 3 equal sides – maybe that’s what you meant
Dramamine Boy, meet Maddox.
http://www.maddox.xmission.com
That is all.
-Sian
ps. Best Xanga I have ever had the pleasure of stumbling across.
You should be bottled up and sold.
Hilarious. As usual.
Oh yeah, Mr Smart Guy? Maybe the smoke didn’t come out the chimney because of strict anti-pollution laws. Didn’t think of that, did you.
a few other things:
1) Everybody should’ve huddled together under blankets to give each other mutual warmth along the same vein as Nerd Girl getting inside Sam’s jacket after the telephone scene.
2) Speaking of which, Nerd Girl should’ve stripped down too. More body heat with skin-to-skin contact, you know.
3) In running a fire for two straight days, how is it that they didn’t burn ANY of the wooden furniture in the building?? Hello?
Maybe now you’ll be able to incorporate algebra humour into your reviews. French, too.
wow, i have to give you so much credit for using proofs to illustrate your point! for a minute, i thought I was back in my high school geometry class…*shudder*
great, now i’ll be having high school nightmares about the bitch that taught that class….Thanks, DramamineBoy! ;o)
awesome proof *bows down*
I knew there was a good reason I didn’t watch this movie.
Man oh man…..I’m just glad I never saw that movie.
But that geometric proof was friggin’ awesome! Geometry rocks….I sucked at just about every other form of math other than geometry and (strangely enough) calculus.
that movie is LAME.
I hate geometry. But geometric humor was reallly smart
. go Dram!
yes, it really was all about you, darren.
thanks for making me laugh…
and yes, now i AM ready for the San Fran blog. Help me with an angle, i am very intimidated writing a blog for you. heh.
(no really, i am!)
tjthunderball - Well, I’m one of the few asians that hasn’t seen The Joy Luck Club.
grisaleen - Hahaha… but it IS! It IS fun!
insertusername - Ooooo… I wanna see that one!
manvsmachine - While you’re down there, can you give me that quarter that’s on the ground?
AssAssAssain29 - Hahahaha… edutainment.
ScottyLove - Yeah, memories of Trigonometry does the same thing to me!
Golfer_Hater - Hahahaha… my 8th grade Algebra teacher was like that. I ended up getting C’s and D’s in that class and it made me sign up for Algebra in 9th grade as well.
dieselboy_1206 - Well, it wasn’t horrible… I mean, it DID have the Karate Kid II girl!
CrazyGB - Yes indeedy, I’ve been waitin’ YEARS to do another proof!
streetlights - Thanks!
petitekiu - Yeah, she was on like Stargate SG-1 or some sci-fi TV show like that… another one I failed to watch.
Paradise_Lady - Come to think of it… I don’t remember ever having a cool math teacher. It must go with the job.
sydney_chickie - Woohoo! And just think, we just had some snow here like… 20 years ago.
copyrightmysoul - Yeah, what good is all the millions they pay ya if your character is gonna look like a moron!?!
Wait a minute… what am I saying!?!
misterdonut - Isosceles, equilateral… SAME THING!
jet_revolution - Wow, thanks! Someone sent me one of that Maddox guy’s blogs (the kid drawing one). Hilarious! Now I know where it came from!
Queen_Hera - I’ll sit in a bottle if I get a high enough price!
arnie_flangehead - Hahahahaha… I forgot about those huge chimney-filters that they installed in NYC.
cowboybone - That’s what my friend said! “They’re gonna burn books but not the bookshelves or tables!?!”
Lizka - I took spanish instead of french… and I don’t think I remember enough to make something funny out of it.
LiL_Henna_Head - Boy, another person that had a lame math teacher… I must say, MATH TEACHERS SUCK!
Except for the math teachers that might read this… those are the cool ones.
indieblogger - Well, I jacked it up, but hopefully, the teacher will give me extra credit.
astrohooker - Yeah… now, if it had dinosaurs, THEN it woulda rocked!
CindyWang - Yikes, Calculus confused me. I never got so many A’s and F’s on tests in the same class than in that one.
SaltedLemons - Yeah, if Geometry class was funny, I probably woulda paid more attention!
sydney_chickie - Well, you could start with something non-stressful like, “How I Went to San Francisco and Didn’t Even Tell Dram!”