June 24, 2004

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  Poker.  What was once a friendly little game that friends play on the weekend, has now turned into an international phenomenon.  It all started with the movie Rounders, where Matt Damon was a player in the world of Texas Hold ‘Em Poker.  But once ESPN started televising the World Series of Poker in 2002, the popularity of the game exploded.  The 2003 WSOP is constantly being played on ESPN and ESPN2 and was won by a non-professional, Chris Moneymaker, prompting over 2500 players (the previous high… 838) to plop down $10,000 each to play in the this year’s event.

  
  

  Now, there’s poker on ESPN… there’s poker on Fox Sports Net… there’s celebrities playing poker on Bravo and The Travel Channel.  Heck, pretty much everybody and their grandma are playing Texas Hold ‘Em, so… why not me too?  I mean, I’m part of “everybody”, aren’t I?

  
  

  So, I found an online poker room, Paradise Poker (which long-time Dramamine Boy’s Xanga readers have noticed as one of my links to the left… or, maybe you haven’t), and started playing on the play money tables.  They gave me $1000 in play money.  After a couple of hours, I had $30 in play money.  I sure was glad this was play money, or I might’ve cried.  They gave me another $1000 of play money and after getting more acquainted with the game, I’ve gotten my balance up to almost $2600.

  
  

  If you don’t know much about the game (and more importantly, some of the terms I’m gonna use in this blog), then you might want to check here to get acquainted with Texas Hold ‘Em so you’ll have a better idea what the heck I’m talkin’ about.

  
  

  Last week, I won ten bucks of real Paradise Poker money from a trivia question I answered correctly, so I figured this is a good time to start playing with real dough.  Oh sure, I coulda started at the big money tables, but I decided to start just a little lower than that… I sat down at the .02/.04 table.

  
  

  Yes, you read that right… 2 cents/4 cents.

  
  

  I pulled out two bucks and played for about an hour.  I was able to turn that two dollars into quite a hefty sum.  My best hand being…

  
  

  

  
  

  That’s right, baby!  4 of a kind!  I won $1.76 on that one hand alone!  After just two days of playing with real money, I’ve turned my $10.00 into $11.15!  Woohoo!  Supersize me, Myron!

  
  

  So, after already mastering the play money thing and now this real money thing, I thought I’d try to find a new area of this game to dominate.  Paradise Poker runs multiple online tournaments during the day, so I figured I’d try one out.  I registered for a tournament yesterday afternoon to play in.  This particular tournament intrigued me because:

  
  

  
  
  •  It’s free

  
  

  and… that’s about it.  Oh, the top 50 finishers get seats at the World Poker Tour in Paris!  Wait, the top 50 finishers get to play in another tournament to try to get a seat at the World Poker Tour in Paris.  Oh well, seeing how this is my first tournament, there’s almost 3000 people playing and I have no time to go to Paris anyway, I’m guessing I won’t be having french toast in the shadow of the Champs Elysées anytime soon.

  
  

  My tournament goals:

  
  

  
  
  • Don’t look stupid
    
  • Finish in the top 1/2 of the tournament
    
  • Don’t look stupid

  
  

  

  
  

  There’s ten people per table and everyone starts with $1500.  When someone loses all their money, they’re eliminated and replaced by another player from a different table.  The starting blinds are $10/$20 and go up every 5 or 10 minutes. 

  
  

  And awaaaay we go!

  
  

  Deal #4 - This is the first hand I play (I folded the first three hands)… and I lose.  Down to $1300.  Things are looking bad.  If this were at a real casino, I might not last long enough to get my free drink.

  
  

  Deal #6 - I finally get a decent hand, K-A unsuited.  After the river, there’s three 9′s on the table and only me and somebody named “nickbrtrnd” are left in the hand.  He goes “all-in” (bets all of his chips he has left).  The way he was betting before, I figured it was a desperation bet, so I call.  I turn my cards over and he throws away his hand… I win!  I’m up to $2000 and I eliminate nickbrtrnd.  Yeah, SIT DOWN, FOO’!  Or, I guess in this case… GET UP, FOO’!

  
  

  I’m up 500 bucks!  If this was real money, I’d be knockin’ on the cashier’s cage right now and askin’ the pit boss for a free meal.

  
  

  Deal #16 - I get Q-2 of Hearts and two more Hearts come up on the flop, including the Ace.  A flush is lookin’ really good to win this hand and only someone with a two Hearts with a King would beat me.  Another Heart comes up on the turn and I got the flush.  Only one person dares to stay in against me and I crush their feeble hopes when I turn over my cards. 

  
  

  

  
  

  I take a victory lap around my computer (I’m guessing that taking a victory lap around a real poker table might get me beaten up).  I’m up to $2400.  I feel like taunting the other players like Scotty Nguyen does.  POKER IS THE GREATEST GAME EVER!

  
  

  

  
  

  “I win again, babyyyyy!”

  
  

   

  
  

  <insert realllllly long pause here>

  
  

  
  
  Deal #38 - Haven’t won in a loooong time.  I’ve thrown away three hands that eventually woulda won me money (crappy hands that ended up good by the end) and I stayed in a few hands, folding before the river.  I’m down to my original $1500. 

  
  

  What a stupid game this is.

  
  

  Deal #41 - Blinds are now $50/$100 and I’m at $1350.  I pull a pair of Kings.  Is this the time to go “all in”?  I just bet the minimum to see what everyone else is doing.  After the flop I raise to $200 and after the turn, with 10-10-5-2 on the table, I bump up to $300.  The river comes up a 9 and it’s down to me and kevsarounder.  “Kev’s A Rounder”… pshhh, as if!  Does he have a 10?  I wuss out and only bet $300.  He calls and I win!  TAKE THAT, YOU MATT DAMON WANNABE!  I’m at $2350.

  
  

  Deal #44 - I have Q-J off-suit, K-6-Q comes up on the flop.  Dawn1971 goes “all in”, forcing me to throw all my chips in if I wanna play.  Darn you.  YOU CAN TAKE MY $150, DAWN1971, BUT NO MORE!  I fold like an accordion… or crumble like a cookie… or insert your own over-used poker metaphor here.

  
  

  Or maybe that’s a simile… or an analogy… or a saying… whatever.  HEY, I just use ‘em, I don’t understand ‘em!  I remember my high school English teacher trying to explain the difference between similes and metaphors and I’m sitting there at my desk with a blank look on my face (actually, I was probably drawing in my notebook or something).  After I thought I finally figured ’em out, she gave a quiz on similes and metaphors and I failed like… like… a fat kid… on a diet… visiting a cookie factory (see, I told you I suck at these things).

  
  

  Okay, back to the tournament…

  
  

  Deal #54 - They announce that there’ll be a 5 minute break in 5 minutes.  I have $1200 and the blinds are $100/$200.  The way things are going, I don’t think I’m lasting until then.

  
  

  Deal #59 - J-Q unsuited and the flop comes up 6-J-10.  I got a pair of Jacks and a chance at a Queen-high Heart flush.  So I bet $200, kevsarounder and Coach80 both call.  8 of Hearts comes up on the turn to get one step closer to my flush.  I bet $200, kevsarounder bets $1000.  Uhhhh… I only have $600 left.  I’m forced to go “all in”, figuring if I fold, $600 isn’t gonna do me much good at $100/$200.  Instead of uttering an emphatic Scotty Nguyen-type “I’m all in, babyyyy!”, it’s more like “Here, take my money you frikkin’ cheater”.  Coach80 calls as well.  Doggone it.  Here comes the river and I’m thinkin’ I need a King or Ace of Hearts or at least another Jack to have a chance.

  
  

  Ace of Spades.

  
  

  Wuh-oh.

  
  

  kevsarounder now goes “all in” and I know I’m not winnin’.  Sure enough, he has the flush, Coach80 mucks his hand and before I can take a screenshot, I’ve been escorted off the table and replaced by another player.

  
  

  

  
  

  Cayuga: “I believe you’re in my seat, loser… I mean, Dramamine Boy”

  
  

  Time elapsed: 58 minutes
  Standing: 962nd place out of 2956
  Did I look stupid?: Perhaps

  
  

  Bah, I didn’t wanna go to Paris anyway.  I took Spanish in high school cuz there were a bunch of wussies takin’ French and I don’t wanna go on vacation and talk to a bunch of wussies.  Frikkin’ kevsarounder.  I hope you choke on my money, you… you… money-taker you.

  
  

  As you can see, I failed my “cool insults” class as well.

  
  

  So, I guess I need a little more practice at this game.  In the meantime, I’ll be on the lookout for a tournament that’s a little more my speed:

  
  

  

  
  

   

  • 7:09 am
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