April 21, 2004

• Hello everybody!  Chuckie here again.  Master Dram still missing, but everyone can be happy cuz Chuckie here!  Chuckie no have story to tell this time, but Chuckie do better!  Chuckie know story was not as good as usual Dramamine Boy Xanga story, so Chuckie go out to field where workers burn everything and look through ashes and find Dramamine Boy Xanga blog that no has been posted yet!  Blog is only slightly burned from fire, so Chuckie post blog for everyone to enjoy.  Everyone please read… Chuckie going to eat popcorn.

  
  

  Dram’s Guide to Eating Alone

  
  

  

  
  

  Okay, I’m not talkin’ about eating by myself at home in front of the TV or something… I do that all the time.  I’m talkin’ about going to a packed T.G.I.Friday’s and asking for a table for one.

  
  

  I had to do this when I traveled to North Carolina by myself a couple of years ago.  I felt like Steve Martin in The Lonely Guy (woohoo, got my out-of-date reference out of the way).  You feel as if everyone is looking at you as you walk to your table.  Couples speak to each other under their breath, “Wow, look at that loser guy all by himself”.  Small children point and laugh.  Instead of scolding their kids, the parents say, “See, that’s what can happen to you if you don’t listen to your parents!”

  
  

  So, here are the top five Dramamine Boy’s Xanga tips you can employ to avoid looking like a dope when you’re eating alone.

  
  

  5. The Food Critic

  
  

  

  
  

  Take out a small notepad.  Ask the waitress what their best dishes are.  Order two different ones.  When your food comes, slowly savor each bite with a pondering look on your face, much like a wine taster.  Well, don’t swirl the food in your mouth and then spit it out on the floor… that would probably be bad.  Then, write in your notepad between bites.  Don’t finish either dish.  When the waitress stops by to ask how is everything, you quickly snap your notebook shut and reply, “satisfactory”.

  
  

  4. Where’s My Friend?

  
  

  Ask for a table for two.  Sit down and order a drink, then wait… and wait.  Keep looking at your watch.  If the waiter comes up to you asking if you want to order, you say, in a rather loud tone so everyone around you can hear, “No thanks, I’m waiting for my buddy”.  Look at your watch some more.  Get your cell phone out and pretend to call your friend and carry on a conversation, such as, “Dude, I’m at the restaurant… where are you?  You’ve got the wrong restaurant!  What do you mean you ordered already!?!”.

  
  

  Hmmmm… maybe this technique would be better if you ask for a table for four.  Otherwise, it might back-fire if it appears you just got stood up for a date.

  
  

  

  
  

  Maybe she meant 4am instead of 4pm.

  
  

  3. James Bond/Secret Agent

  
  

  Look around all shifty-eyed and stuff.  Order a martini… shaken, not stirred.  If a waitress drops a plate, you dive under your table and draw your Walther PPK.  If you don’t have a gun, aim your watch like you have a laser gun built in it or something.  This Bond thing should be used at upscale restaurants.  It might not be very believable that James Bond eats at McDonald’s.

  
  

  

  
  

  6-piece Chicken McNuggets… shaken, not stirred.

  
  

  2. The Lost Loved One

  
  

  Walk into the restaurant with a depressed look on your face.  Ask for a table for two.  When they ask, “Is the other party here?”, you answer “No… *sniff*, he/she is… *sniff* DEAD!”

  
  

  Break down crying (put some cut onions in your jacket to use if you failed the “Crying on Demand” course at your local acting studio).  The waiter will feel so embarassed, they’ll immediately seat you at a table for two.

  
  

  When you sit down, take out a picture of a loved one (a picture that was in one of those frames that you bought at the store will do) and place it at the empty table setting.  Stare wistfully at it and sigh periodically.

  
  

  When the waiter comes by to tell you the specials for the day, you say, “F-F-F… filet mignon?  THAT WAS HIS/HER FAVORITE!” and proceed to bawl your head off (crush your foot with your chair if the onions have stopped taking effect).

  
  

  The waiter is gonna feel so bad, he’s gonna to do everything in his power to make sure you’re taken care of for the rest of the night.  People will come up to your table and try to cheer you up or give you words of support and encouragement instead of thinking you’re a loser.  They might even invite you over to their table to keep you company.

  
  

  Heck, you might even get a free drink or a free meal out of this one.
  
  And the number one way to look cool while eating alone is -

  
  
  
  
  
  

  *munch munch*

  
  

  Oh… that is end of blog.  Chuckie no know how story ends.  Guess number one was burnt up in fire.

  
  

  This is end of Chuckie blog for today.  Good night everyone!

  • 4:48 am
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