December 30, 2003

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  Ahhhh, The Return of the King.  Hey, it’s a great movie, a worthy ending to the trilogy.  Sure, I could sit here and talk about how cool the movie was and how everyone should go see it.  But heck, what’s a Dramamine Boy’s Xanga movie review blog if I don’t address a few things about this movie?

  
  

  

  
  

  Would it surprise ANYBODY if I said that Frodo kisses Sam?  Does anyone remember the Saturday Night Live “Greenhilly” sketch where no matter what person Alec Baldwin encounters (including Phil Hartman and a dog), they end up gazing into each other’s eyes, the music swells and they kiss?  I thought that was gonna happen between Frodo and Sam like five times throughout the movie.  I mean really, there was more sexual tension between those two than a season’s worth of Ace and Gary episodes.

  
  

  

  
  

  What?  What is everybody looking at?

  
  

  If you understood those references… then you watch a whole lot of SNL reruns.

  
  

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  Is it just me, or do other people quietly chuckle to themselves everytime Elrond appears on the screen?
  

  

  
  

  Mister Baggins… weeeeee missed you.

  
  

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  The orcs are supposed to be these highly trained killing machines.  Born and bred to be elite weapons of destruction.  But when they meet the humans in battle, they display all the fighting expertise of the students from Mr. Han’s School of Martial Arts.

  
  

  

  
  

  If you’re an asian male and didn’t get that joke… someone needs to revoke your Asian Dude membership card.

  
  

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  Okay, here’s a job I have to remember to turn down if I get offered it…

  
  

  Job title: Beacon lighter

  
  

  Job site: On top of snow-covered mountain between Rohan and Gondor.

  
  

  Job description: Stand in sub-zero, snowy weather.  If you see the beacon in the distance afire, you light your beacon.  Otherwise, just stand there… in the snow… waiting… by yourself.

  
  

  Requirements: Needs to be able to light a fire without freezing to death.  Jackets are suggested.  Pyromaniacs, Egyptians, those that are blind, afraid of fire, or not clinically insane need not apply.

  
  

   

  
  

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  The future of the humans looks dim.  Tens of thousands of orcs line up for the assault on Minas Tirith.  We’re given an ominous look at the vast invasion force, the camera pans to the leader of the ground forces and it’s…

  
  

  

  
  

  SLOTH!?!  How could Peter Jackson make such a blunder by having Chunk’s buddy as the leader?  How old is he anyway?  Didn’t he see The Goonies!?!  I mean, good gravy, Samwise was IN The Goonies… shouldn’t he have said SOMETHING!?!

  
  

  

  
  

  Yo, Pete-Diddy… that orc dude looks awwwwfully familiar.

  
  

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  That Denethor guy was a hoot, wasn’t he?  He possessed all the managing prowess of Grady Little in the 2003 ALCS.

  
  

  

  
  

  If you’re a woman and you got that joke… please marry me.

  
  

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  Okay, so they take the “addressing the troops” scene from Braveheart… they take the “winding between the elephant’s legs” thing from The Empire Strikes Back… I was waiting for Eowyn to jump up and suspend herself in mid-air, the camera angle changes and then she kicks that Great Lord of Flying Brontosauruses guy in the face.

  
  

  

  
  

  I AM NO MAN!

  
  

  Why didn’t Eowyn just beat the crap out of Arwen to become Queen alongside Aragorn?  What the heck is Arwen gonna do about it?  I mean, Eowyn swung a mean sword, was entrusted to take care of the people of Rohan and killed the Brontosaurus dude… the only thing Arwen did the last two movies was cry. 

  
  

  

  
  

  Wah, my love has left me… wah, I must leave Middle Earth forever… wah, I’m dying… GEEZ, GROW A FREAKIN’ BACKBONE!

  
  

  And speaking of Eowyn and Arwen… what’s up with all the names being similar?  I have a hard enough time remembering names as it is, don’t confuse me further by having a Eowyn and a Arwen.  To make it worse, they pronounce Arwen “r-oh-win”, so it rhymes with Eoywn.  Then they throw in a Boromir and a Faramir who are brothers and look similar (well, they don’t look THAT similar, but they both wear armor, so they look similar to me).  And Smeagol and Deagol fishing in a boat at the beginning of the movie.  And having Sauron and Sarumon be the two main evil guys.  Hey, how about just naming everyone “Bob” and just confuse the heck out of everyone!?!

  
  

  

  
  

  Starring:

  
  

  Sean Astin as Bob
  Cate Blanchett as Bob
  Orlando Bloom as Bob
  Billy Boyd as Bob
  Brad Dourif as Bob
  Bernard Hill as Bob
  Christopher Lee as Bob
  Ian McKellen as Bob
  Dominic Monaghan as Bob
  Viggo Mortensen as Bob
  John Noble as Bob
  Miranda Otto as Bob
  John Rhys-Davies as Bob
  Andy Serkis as Bob
  Liv Tyler as Bob
  Karl Urban as Bob
  Hugo Weaving as Agent Bob
  David Wenham as Bob
  Elijah Wood as Bob

  
  

  The end.

  
  

  Hold on a sec… that spider scene was pretty doggone cool.

  
  

  The end.

  
  

  Wait a minute… I’m still having a hard time believing that little hobbit Sam can kick the crap out of a charging group of four orcs that have more combat training, are physically bigger and stronger and are attacking from an elevated position.

  
  

  Uhhhh… not that I pay attention to things like this or anything.

  
  

  The end.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Oh, one last thing… after all those points I just made, I liked the movie… no really, I did.

  
  

  The end.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Whoa, I almost forgot… I gotta go see the movie again so I can figure out how long this one guy was standing in the aisle.  He got out of his seat when he thought the movie was ending and walked down the aisle.  Instead of ending, the movie changed scenes, so he stood there until the actual end of the movie.  It had to be at least 20 minutes.

  
  

  The end.

  
  

  If you didn’t understand the multiple endings to this blog… then go see the movie.

  • 6:41 am
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