We interrupt Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Site - The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics* for this important announcement:

This isn’t really gonna be the usual Dramamine Boy’s Xanga movie review, but it’s more like a warning.

Now, I’m not saying that this movie is bad.  It’s a japanese film with japanese actors and actresses… it’s like my job to support and promote these things.  It’s a new version of the blind swordsman, Zatoichi, who first appeared on-screen in 1962.  Sure, he looks nothing like the old Zatoichi and he’s a couple of globs of hair gel away from looking like an older, japanese samurai version of Billy Idol (I’m sure there were TONS of blonde japanese in medieval Japan).  But once you get past that, there’s some great scenes, good swordplay and an ample amount of humor sprinkled throughout.  So, go see it.  Just don’t stay ’til the end.
 
Now, I don’t want to ruin things by giving away the climax (although when the title of the movie is the lead character’s name and the guy that wrote the screenplay and directed the film also plays the lead character, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out how the story is gonna unfold), but when you see Zatoichi slice a guy’s eyes out, leave the theater.  Serious.  Just get up and leave.  No good is going to come out of you staying.  Drop the popcorn on the ground and go.  There’s no reason to wait for the credits.  They’re in japanese anyway.  Look the people up on the internet if you wanna know who was in the movie.

Here’s the sequence of events at the end of the movie, so you can plan your escape:

• Zatoichi scene
  
• Festival scene
  
• Zatoichi slices a guy’s eyes out
  
• LEAVE!

You’ve seen all you need to see after that second Zatoichi scene!  There’s no more plot development!  When that second Zatoichi scene ends, applaud, stand up, walk towards the exit and don’t look back.  You’ll drive home talking about how entertaining that movie was.

If you’re the type of person that refuses to leave before the end of a movie… then don’t go.  No, really.  Stay at home and pop in The Golden Girls Season One DVD or something. 

Now, I know by me saying all of this, people are gonna be naturally curious and may stay just to see what I’m all worked up about.  Believe me, you REALLY don’t want to know what happens.  But if you need a hint of what you’d be missing in order to be convinced, here you go…

They turn medieval Japan into a Janet Jackson video.

There, I said it.  Now run.  Run like you’ve never run before.

Now, it’s not like I don’t like artistic-type things… sure, I usually don’t understand them, but so what.  For example, I thought the interplay between the musical score and the workers in the rice fields was pretty cool.  When they got to building the house, I felt like I was watching a Stomp performance, but that’s okay.

But dude… the end… wow.  This is a samurai movie.  The last thing that I thought would enter my mind was wondering if Zatoichi was gonna moonwalk across the screen.

So enjoy the movie.  Just finish your Jujube’s early.  Trust me.

We now return you to Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Site - The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics*… as soon as I think of something to say.

Welcome to Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Site, now called…

Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Site
The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics!*

* As long as “official” can be used without any prior agreement or monetary compensation

That’s right, Dram’s been watching a lot of Olympics over the last few days.  I believe it’s the only time I’ll ever voluntarily watch men in tights prancing around on the floor.

Anyway, as the Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics, I’ll be throwing in my thoughts about the goings-on in Athens.  Sorta like a reporter’s view of the Games, except… well, I’m too cheap to go there in person.

First, I’d like to give a few pointers on how to make the Olympics much cooler.  Since this is The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics, Olympic participants will hopefully be reading this and will implement a lot of these things soon.

Top 10 Things I Would Like to See at the Olympics

10.	A judo participant deploys the Daniel LaRusso crane technique – I watched judo the other day and man, it’s gotta be the crappiest martial art ever.  It’s like watching two drunk people trying to fight.  They grab each other’s gis and semi-wrestle until they end up on the ground hugging each other.  Then, the referee tells them to get up so they can do it again… yawn.
9.	Rulon Gardner makes it back to the finals of the men’s greco-roman wrestling final and his opponent… “Macho Man” Randy Savage  “Oooooooh yyyyyeah, the Ma-cho Man’s gonna bring a world of hurt down on you, little man”
8.	Allen Iverson uses the “bucket of confetti” trick on unsuspecting Angolan basketball player
7.	A gymnast receives a really, really low score - Geez, people are fallin’ off of the high bar, landing on their face on the vault and all sorts of other penalties and they still receive something like an 8.575.  I wanna know what it takes to get something REALLY low, like… a 0.862.  What if a gymnast’s entire high bar routine consists of hanging upside down from the high bar and flipping off the judges?  What if a gymnast doing the floor exercise does a double layout on their first pass… then spends the next five minutes doing nothing except stepping in and out of bounds?  What if a gymnast runs up to the pommel horse to do their vault and instead of vaulting, they just jump up on the horse and yell, “YEEEEEHAW!  GIDDIE UP!”?  What would be their score then?  I NEED TO KNOW!
6.	The 4x100m Dogpaddle Relay
5.	The Greek baseball team takes the field, sponsored by Chico’s Bail Bonds  – Good lord, this team lost their first game, 11-0 to… THE NETHERLANDS!  I dunno, I’ve followed baseball for quite a large amount of my life and I never remember anyone saying, “Man, those Dutch sure do play a mean game of baseball”.  The Greeks only got two hits in that game.  I believe they were both by Lupus Koutsantonakis. Speaking of which, this has got to be one of the coolest things ever.
4.	First terrorist attack on these Olympic games fails when the Taliban chooses the Pistol Shooting competition as their first target
3.	Rhythmic gymnast chooses to do her routine to the song, Da’ Butt by E.U. –  In fact, every gymnast should have their music picked by me.  That’s the only way I’m watchin’ this silly, made-up event.  Wouldn’t you watch if these “gymnasts” were prancing around the mat twirlin’ that silly ribbon-thing while the speaker blares, “Theresa got a big ol’ butt! (oh yeah?)”?
2.	A diver doing a cannonball - Let’s say you’re in last place.  You have no chance to win.  You have one dive left.  WHY NOT DO A CANNONBALL!?!  How cool would that be!?!  You would be voted “Cool Person of the Olympics”!  You’d be on every newscast in the world!  People would remember you forever!
1.	MORE BADMINTON! - DUDE!  Actual badminton is being played on television!  I’m so happy, I might start hugging random bag ladies.  Asians kicking the crap out of everyone in an Olympic sport… WHAT MORE COULD I ASK FOR!?!

You know what we need on TV?  We need “The Sarcastic Channel”.  It’d be just like Mystery Science Theater 3000, except with more recent programming instead of old movies.  They would show non-funny shows and have a couple of people sit there and ridicule everything about it.  Heck, they can get Crow and Tom Servo from MST3k on there… I’m sure they’re not doin’ much these days.  Or, if they can’t create their own channel, then maybe just have them belittling these programs on the SAP audio channel, so people can switch to that audio when the regular program begins to suck.

And another thing… if they put spanish on the SAP channel when I’m watching Friends, why can’t I flip it to the spanish station and listen to english on the SAP channel?  If the english stations cater to the spanish minority, why can’t the spanish stations cater to the english-speaking majority?  Wouldn’t you think they’d want a larger viewing audience?  On those spanish variety shows, the audience is laughin’ their butts off… I wanna know what’s so funny!  Doggone SAP channel discrimination, I tell you.

…

Okay, what was I talkin’ about.  Oh yeah… the Olympics.

How did this Sarcastic Channel idea come about?  I thought about it while I was watching a perfect example of the type of show they would have on The Sarcastic Channel… the Olympic Opening Ceremony.

Now, if there was a Sacrastic Channel and for some unbelievable reason they invited me to talk about the Opening Ceremony, this is some of the stuff you would’ve heard…

Things I Said During the Olympic Opening Ceremony

Well, actually it’s Things I Thought During the Olympic Opening Ceremony, since I was watchin’ it by myself.  Cuz you know… I would never talk out loud to myself… um… yeah.  If you didn’t watch the Opening Ceremony, then this won’t make any sense.  If you did watch the Opening Ceremony, well, this probably won’t make any sense, either.  This is presented in chronological order… give or take a few things that I forgot when they happened.

 - It’s a good thing that Bob Costas and Katie Couric are explaining the meaning behind all these Opening Ceremony performances and floats.  Otherwise, I never would’ve known that the international image of “man evolving into a logical being in search of knowledge” is represented by a half-naked guy walking on a giant sugar cube. 

 - Actress to greek movie casting director: “And in 2004, I was Building Column #3 at the Olympics”

 - Reason #8 to get a good broadcasting partner: Katie mentioned that Alexander The Great was in the Olympics and didn’t do too well.  So, Bob tried to make a joke, calling him “Alexander the So-So”.  And Katie… left him ENTIRELY out to dry.  She didn’t laugh, she didn’t make a similar dumb joke or immediately talk about the next float to help him out.  Just dead silence, which seemed to last like… forever.  It was like the time I was making a speech in Speech class and made a dumb joke and I paused for a laugh and nobody laughed.  I glanced down and two students in the front row looked at each other and gave a “that was sooooo dumb” look to each other.  I really coulda used a fire drill or a tornado or something right about then to break the silence.

 - SHE’S GIVING BIRTH TO E.T.!

 - During the Parade of Nations, introduced between Brazil and France was The British Virgin Islands.  There’s like 200+ Brazilians dancing around and 300+ French smiling and waving and in between them was ONE DUDE from the British Virgin Islands.  And he’s just walkin’ stoically with his British Virgin Islands flag, minding his own business.  COME ON, MAN!  Do something memorable!  Carry around a six pack of beer!  Wave your hands in the air and wave ‘em like you just don’t care!  Run up and pants one of the Brazilians!  What are the British Virgin Islands officials gonna do?  Suspend you?  You’re the only one that qualified for the Olympics out of the whole frikkin’ country!  LIVE IT UP!

 - “Albaniaaaaa… Albaniaaaaa… you border on, the Ad-ri-atic”

 - I didn’t know Special Ed from Crank Yankers was Italian.

 - Did anyone see that guy from China texting someone on his cell phone!?!  What the heck?  You spend your entire life training (and believe me, they got uneven parallel bars set up in these kids’ cribs in China) to get to the Olympics.  You finally make it and will soon compete for a gold medal to realize your (and your government’s) life-long dream.  You’re walkin’ in the doggone Olympic Opening Ceremony and you’re taking time out to text your buddy back in China to say, “y0 i B r3ppIn’ cHiNa, dAwG!!1″?

 - When Nepal came on the screen, was I the only one that said, “VIVA NEPAL!”?

 - I didn’t know Robin Hood was from Nigeria.

 - Dude, that South African guy brought a beer bong to the Opening Ceremony!

 - Did Bob Costas really just say “props” when translating a speech by Jacques Rogge!?!

 - After three hours of strange parades and watching thousands of athletes that I don’t know walk across my screen, things are finally getting good.  The President of Greece officially opens the games, the entire crowd ring bells, kids rush the track with olive branches and… they go to a commercial!?!  FOR JOEY!?!

A CURSE ON YOU, NBC AND YOUR JOEY PIMPING!!

 - You know how when they light the Olympic Torch, the flame bearer touches his flame to the gas eminating from the torch and it immediately bursts into a great big fireball?  Well, when they tilted the torch down so it was pointing DIRECTLY AT the guy with the flame, was I the only person that thought, “OH MY GOD, they’re gonna set that guy on fire!  A human sacrifice to the Greek gods on national television!”?

So that’s all I got on the Olympics for now.  I’ll be watchin’ more Olympic events, so be sure to come back often to Dramamine Boy’s Xanga – The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics for up-to-the-minute news about the Olympics!**

** 1 Dram minute = 4 days… okay, maybe 7

Okay, it’s time for another installment of…

Explain It to the Old/Out-of-Touch Guy

In previous episodes of Explain It to the Old/Out-of-Touch Guy, I’ve been explained the meaning of “oppa” and the meaning of “Fubu”.  Now, it’s time for the people of Xanga to enlighten me on yet another puzzling topic.

Around the corner from my shop is the following billboard:

Okay… who the heck is that guy?  Is he famous?  Cuz if he’s not, what genius decided that a guy looking like that is gonna sell cell phones?  I mean, are people going to look at that billboard and say, “Wow, I’d LOVE to get a call from THAT guy!”?

Now, I’m not the most in-tune person to what’s “hip” or “rad” or whatever you kids say today.  But I’m guessin’ that the majority of white America has no clue who this guy is.  Heck, they might even freak out or something.  I’m no marketing expert, but I’ll go out on a limb and say that’s not exactly conducive to cell phone sales.

Seriously, who would you rather get a phone call from? 

T-Mobile’s Catherine Zeta Jones or Boost Mobile’s “whoever that is”?

 

See what I mean!?!  Geez, I might even want to get a call from THIS guy!

Hmmm… okay, maybe that’s taking things a little too far.

Anyway, here are my guesses as to who it is… well, I only have one guess:

• Is it Flava Flav?  And if it is, then where’s his clock?  Has he forsaken his quest to let everyone know “what time it is”?  And would you really want Flava Flav to call you?  I mean, I’ve seen him on VH-1′s I Love the ’80′s show and he seems like the kind of guy that would wake you up at 3am to yell unintelligible drunken rap lyrics at you.  And you can’t hang up on him cuz… well, he’s Flava Flav.

AND WHAT THE HECK IS “CHIRP’N”!?!

I await your answers.

Yeah, yeah, I know… “Hey Dram, could you talk about a movie that’s any OLDER!?!”.  Hey, it takes time to construct these movie review blogs!  Having the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga staff carefully studying each and every frame of the movie and sorting through mountains of information takes up a lot of time ya know! (read: I’ve been lazy and have been playing a lot of Counter-Strike)

Okay, for those of you who haven’t seen the movie, it’s a story about how we jacked up the planet so bad, global warming is about to drastically alter the earth’s weather, triggering a sudden ice age.

In the opening moments of the film, we have a snowstorm in India, softball-sized hail falling in Japan (oh sure, let’s pick the asian guy as the one stupid enough to run through a softball-sized hailstorm ) and tornadoes in Los Angeles.  For some reason, none of this is odd to anyone other than Bilbo Baggins and the guy that got stuck inside Martin Short.

The experts gather and determine that there’s now a number of deadly storms moving from the north that will instantly freeze anyone caught in it, killing them immediately.  By the time the storms dissipate, most of the northern hemisphere will be covered in snow and ice, killing millions.

Things pick up, however, when Jack (the Martin Short guy) and his team of experts are joined by the girl from Karate Kid II!  Woohoo!  Seriously, when was the last time anyone saw her (well, other than my pal Scott)?  IT’S ABOUT TIME SHE GETS SOME WORK!  Asians getting work in major motion pictures!  I’m so happy, I’m expecting to see Gedde Watanabe in the next Star Wars film.

“Let’s see what you have learned Anakin… Nothing!  Absolutely nothing!  Stupid!  You’re so stupid!”

This movie uses the Die Hard Chain of Stupidity, where the higher you go up the chain of command, the stupider the people are.  In this movie, the head of the weather center hinders Jack’s progress to solve the weather problem.  Then, the Vice President of the United States ignores Jack’s expert advice to evacuate the northern states, which ends up killing hundreds of thousands of americans.  By extrapolating this chain of stupidity, you can deduce that the President of the United States in this movie is George W. Bush.

Political humor… woohoo.

So, Jack finds out that his genius son, who travelled to New York City for some sort of nerd contest, is trapped in NYC and will probably die when the frozen storm gets there.  Jack decides to go rescue him and his nerd friends.  As Jack prepares for his suicide mission to get his son, this exchange occurs:

Jack’s Teammate #1: I’m going with you.

Jack’s Teammate #2: I’m going with you, too.

Karate Kid II Girl: Good luck.

What the heck!?!  The Karate Kid II girl joins the team and then when they decide to go out on a dangerous mission, she ditches ‘em!?!  IS THIS WHY SHE WASN’T IN KARATE KID III!?!  After seein’ this movie, I can pretty much figure out what happened after the end of Karate Kid II:

Daniel-san: Welp, I just saved your life, your village and helped end a rivalry that has lasted 50 years, Karate Kid II Girl.  I’m heading back to America.

Mr. Miyagi: I’m heading back to America, too.

Karate Kid II Girl: Later.

The scene shifts to Jack’s son (Sam) and his nerd friends in New York City.  A tidal wave hits NYC and Sam saves Laura (his nerd contest teammate who he wants to do more than just calculate derivatives with) from certain death.  They rush into the New York Public Library for safety, along with a hundred or so other people.

That’s funny… I don’t remember that wall of water there before

So, she suddenly starts falling for him as well.  Man, it takes natural disasters of biblical proportions for this guy to score?  I betcha she regrets saying, “Listen loser, there’ll be snow in India before we become a couple!”.  A pretty large miscalculation on her part.

Another miscalculation… after cutting her leg in the flooded streets of New York City, she comes down with an infection.  But, she ignores the pain and swelling and ends up falling into a feverish coma.  So wait… she cuts her leg while wading in the rat-infested sewer water of New York City and the chance of an infection never enters her mind?  I mean, I worry about an infection when I get a PAPER CUT!  And this girl is supposed to be one of the smartest of her age?

Okay, here’s the scenario.  You’ve just survived a flood caused by a tidal wave that has washed over all of New York City.  Now, it’s snowing and the temperature has dropped so low that fifteen feet of water just froze over.  Do you:

A) listen to the advice of a climatologist about the impending deadly-cold weather and stay in a building (the library) which has an unlimited supply of firewood (books/tables/bookshelves), or

B) listen to a security guard who suggests trying to walk to Washington D.C.  From New York City.  In the worst snowstorm ever.  With just a jacket and a blanket to prevent you from freezing to death.

Guess which one most of the people listen to.

So, everyone else leaves the library, except for the spelling bee nerd kids and a few others.  They decide to raid a couple of vending machines downstairs for chips and candy bars to tide them over for the next few days.  Um… hello?  What’s keeping you from just walking outside to the nearest 7-11?  I mean, I’m guessing there aren’t too many 7-11′s near the New York Public Library, and sure, some of the restaurants are buried under 15 feet of snow, but there’s gotta be at least a couple of buildings they can climb into that have more food inside.  HOW AM I SMARTER THAN THESE PEOPLE!?!

After the storm passes through New York City, dad finally shows up at the site of the library and things are looking bleak.  He climbs over a mountain of snow and spots the roof of the library, which is almost totally buried in snow. 

He climbs through a window, walks around and finds the kids in the room, fire blazing in the chimney.

Now… when he first showed up, where was the smoke billowing from the chimney?  He should’ve seen smoke!  No smoke = no fire = dead kids!

Don’t believe me!?!  Why, I have the proof right here!

Since No Smoke = No Fire, you can deduce that Smoke = Fire, which also proves the old adage, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire”.  It also proves that No Kids = Dead Smoke… I’m not sure what that means, exactly, but I’m sure it’s true.

And you people thought geometry wouldn’t be worth squat after high school!

Geometric humor… woohoo.

---

EDIT: Due to misterdonut‘s expert knowledge (read: he’s more of a nerd than I am ), he pointed out an error in my proof, so I corrected it.  NO WONDER I GOT A B IN GEOMETRY!

Thank you, Bill!

Welcome to another installment of…

Not So Great Moments in Dramamine Boy History

Time: 2nd grade
Place: School
Object involved: “The Bubble”

Or, as I referred to it, The Ominous Bubble of Death!!  Yes, you must use two exclamation points whenever you utter the phrase, The Ominous Bubble of Death!!  There should be like a thunderclap and lightning outside a window or some evil laugh and scary music playing in the background as well.

Anyway, it’s not really a bubble, but a geometric dome, made out of triangular metal bars.  They put this monstrosity in the playground and kids climb all over it supposedly for fun, but in actuality, as Bill Cosby put it, it was there to “murder us“.  I went to the school the other day to take a picture of The Bubble for this blog and… it’s gone!  No doubt, the keepers of The Bubble moved it to another location to maim and kill other, less-suspecting kids.

So, I had to go searching on the internet to find a decent pic.  At first I found…

NO, NO, NOOOOOOO!  Bigger than that!  And more ominous looking!  What kind of a wimpy bubble is that!?!  So, I kept looking…

Well, this is better.  But it was made of solid, teeth-chipping steel, not this crummy multi-colored plastic crap!  AND BIGGER!

NOW WE’RE TALKIN’!  Okay, it was about this big… give or take a few hundred feet or so.  Regardless of size, no kid is climbin’ this thing without escaping death.

In an earlier blog, I talked about phobias.  One of which was a phobia of high places.  Because of this, I would spend my time on the bottom or climb to the second level of The Bubble.  Other kids would pass me and climb to and around the top, tempting death with every movement.  Would seeing these kids survive the ascent to the top of The Bubble convince me that I should join them up there?  Yeah, right…I’m not a moron, I’m staying right where I am.

One day, our class was given 10 minutes of recess.  Just our class, which was probably because our teacher wanted to have a smoke or a drink after dealing with 30 second graders for the last 5 hours.  So, we all jumped out of our chairs and headed for the playground area.

For some unknown reason, I determined that this is it.  This is the day that I’m gonna climb to the top of The Bubble, scared or not.  Facing your fears is a good thing, right?

As I ran towards the playground area, The Bubble grew larger and larger.  By the time I reached the tanbark-filled playground, The Bubble towered above me.  If you listened closely, you could hear the cries of the tortured children of the past howling through the bars of The Bubble.  A foreboding, bog-like fog hung in the air… a dense mist that smelled of death.

Which was kinda strange for a sunny spring afternoon in California.

Since there’s no pictures or video of this event (thank you, God), I’ll have to try to re-create it as best I can.  I’ll use the multi-colored plastic bubble as a reference only… cuz the original bubble was HUGE, I TELL YOU!

Okay, here I am in my usual spot, hangin’ out on the bottom section of The Bubble.  Immediately, I grabbed a horizontal bar and climbed up to the second level.

This was as high as I would usually allow myself to go.  Any higher could quite possibly mean instant death.  But this was a quest… nay, a requirement to put this 2nd grade kid on the path to manhood!

Or, maybe it was cuz I wanted to stop feeling like a wimpy, little scaredy-cat.

I grab another horizontal bar and slowly pull myself up to the third level.  I have now entered unknown territory.  You can no longer stand up vertically at this level, since The Bubble slopes towards the peak.  I hold onto the bars for dear life and take a peek at the ground below.  I’m approximately 125 feet high.  I have one more climb to make to reach my goal.  I take hold of the bar above me and slowly move my legs up towards the top, making sure I have a good grip in case The Bubble decides to try one of its evil tricks to cause me to fall.

I REACH THE TOP!  I touch the middle metal connector with my hand, sorta like when Marvin the Martian landed on the moon, except I didn’t have a flag… or a cool helmet… or a ray gun.

I claim this bubble in the name of Mars!… uh, Dramamine Boy… Land.

I am now almost parallel with the ground, which is somewhere in the neighborhood of 600 feet below me.  Since I’m laying prone on top of The Bubble, I can’t help but see how high I am.  I’m still holding on for dear life, with the rest of my body laying on a couple of other bars to prevent me from falling to my death.

At this point, I’m trying to convince myself that being this high is not so bad.  That many other kids have reached this spot and have lived to tell the tale.  This isn’t so bad… I think I can-

TWEEEEEEEEEEEEET!

What the heck!?!  That was the whistle our teacher was blowing to tell us that our recess time was over and to come back to class.  It took me ten minutes to climb to the top of this thing!?!  I look around and all the kids are pouring out of the playground area and running back towards the classroom.  Here I am, still at the top of The Bubble thinking, “Ummm… how do I get off of this thing?”.

I could climb down, but in order to do that, I’d either have to climb head first down the other side of The Bubble like Spider-Man, or blindly climb backwards, praying that my feet find a bar to rest on.  Or, I could just jump from the top… allllll the way down to the ground.

Since it took me ten minutes just to climb up to the top, there’s no way I’m gonna be able to climb back down.  Now, I’m kinda panicking, since I’m the only one left in the playground area.  My plan is to take a solid hold of one of the bars with both hands and pull my feet and body off of The Bubble.  From there, I can dangle from the top and then jump down and hopefully not break both of my legs.

Here’s something I did not know at the time.  If you’re laying on top of The Bubble and you let your body swing down, you will not just dangle from the top.  Instead, your momentum will swing your body like a pendulum.  For example, as soon as I released my feet from The Bubble, my body suddenly swung almost 180 degrees.  I’m now inside The Bubble, staring at the sky and my feet are almost touching the underside, my hands still with a death-grip on the top bubble bar.

The fun did not end there.  My body swung back the other way and riiiight about the time that I was parallel with the ground again… the grip I had on the top of The Bubble gave out.

So… I fell… from the top of The Bubble… to the ground… face first.

Aftermath: There I am, laying face first at the bottom of The Bubble, with pieces of tanbark stuck to my face, blood gushing from my mouth and my top two front teeth no longer attached to my gums.  As I recall, one of my classmates saw me fall and got the teacher, who ran out to see if I was okay.  She picked me up and I walked to the nurse’s office, head tilted upward, crying and screaming the whole way there.

After getting cleaned up and making sure I was okay, the nurse (I think) accompanied me back to the playground to find my teeth.

And the moral of the story is…

Facing fears sucks.

or

I’m stupid.

Take your pick.

And now, for your viewing pleasure…

A real blog coming later.

Poker.  What was once a friendly little game that friends play on the weekend, has now turned into an international phenomenon.  It all started with the movie Rounders, where Matt Damon was a player in the world of Texas Hold ‘Em Poker.  But once ESPN started televising the World Series of Poker in 2002, the popularity of the game exploded.  The 2003 WSOP is constantly being played on ESPN and ESPN2 and was won by a non-professional, Chris Moneymaker, prompting over 2500 players (the previous high… 838) to plop down $10,000 each to play in the this year’s event.

Now, there’s poker on ESPN… there’s poker on Fox Sports Net… there’s celebrities playing poker on Bravo and The Travel Channel.  Heck, pretty much everybody and their grandma are playing Texas Hold ‘Em, so… why not me too?  I mean, I’m part of “everybody”, aren’t I?

So, I found an online poker room, Paradise Poker (which long-time Dramamine Boy’s Xanga readers have noticed as one of my links to the left… or, maybe you haven’t), and started playing on the play money tables.  They gave me $1000 in play money.  After a couple of hours, I had $30 in play money.  I sure was glad this was play money, or I might’ve cried.  They gave me another $1000 of play money and after getting more acquainted with the game, I’ve gotten my balance up to almost $2600.

If you don’t know much about the game (and more importantly, some of the terms I’m gonna use in this blog), then you might want to check here to get acquainted with Texas Hold ‘Em so you’ll have a better idea what the heck I’m talkin’ about.

Last week, I won ten bucks of real Paradise Poker money from a trivia question I answered correctly, so I figured this is a good time to start playing with real dough.  Oh sure, I coulda started at the big money tables, but I decided to start just a little lower than that… I sat down at the .02/.04 table.

Yes, you read that right… 2 cents/4 cents.

I pulled out two bucks and played for about an hour.  I was able to turn that two dollars into quite a hefty sum.  My best hand being…

That’s right, baby!  4 of a kind!  I won $1.76 on that one hand alone!  After just two days of playing with real money, I’ve turned my $10.00 into $11.15!  Woohoo!  Supersize me, Myron!

So, after already mastering the play money thing and now this real money thing, I thought I’d try to find a new area of this game to dominate.  Paradise Poker runs multiple online tournaments during the day, so I figured I’d try one out.  I registered for a tournament yesterday afternoon to play in.  This particular tournament intrigued me because:

•  It’s free

and… that’s about it.  Oh, the top 50 finishers get seats at the World Poker Tour in Paris!  Wait, the top 50 finishers get to play in another tournament to try to get a seat at the World Poker Tour in Paris.  Oh well, seeing how this is my first tournament, there’s almost 3000 people playing and I have no time to go to Paris anyway, I’m guessing I won’t be having french toast in the shadow of the Champs Elysées anytime soon.

My tournament goals:

• Don’t look stupid
  
• Finish in the top 1/2 of the tournament
  
• Don’t look stupid

There’s ten people per table and everyone starts with $1500.  When someone loses all their money, they’re eliminated and replaced by another player from a different table.  The starting blinds are $10/$20 and go up every 5 or 10 minutes. 

And awaaaay we go!

Deal #4 - This is the first hand I play (I folded the first three hands)… and I lose.  Down to $1300.  Things are looking bad.  If this were at a real casino, I might not last long enough to get my free drink.

Deal #6 - I finally get a decent hand, K-A unsuited.  After the river, there’s three 9′s on the table and only me and somebody named “nickbrtrnd” are left in the hand.  He goes “all-in” (bets all of his chips he has left).  The way he was betting before, I figured it was a desperation bet, so I call.  I turn my cards over and he throws away his hand… I win!  I’m up to $2000 and I eliminate nickbrtrnd.  Yeah, SIT DOWN, FOO’!  Or, I guess in this case… GET UP, FOO’!

I’m up 500 bucks!  If this was real money, I’d be knockin’ on the cashier’s cage right now and askin’ the pit boss for a free meal.

Deal #16 - I get Q-2 of Hearts and two more Hearts come up on the flop, including the Ace.  A flush is lookin’ really good to win this hand and only someone with a two Hearts with a King would beat me.  Another Heart comes up on the turn and I got the flush.  Only one person dares to stay in against me and I crush their feeble hopes when I turn over my cards. 

I take a victory lap around my computer (I’m guessing that taking a victory lap around a real poker table might get me beaten up).  I’m up to $2400.  I feel like taunting the other players like Scotty Nguyen does.  POKER IS THE GREATEST GAME EVER!

“I win again, babyyyyy!”

 

<insert realllllly long pause here>

Deal #38 - Haven’t won in a loooong time.  I’ve thrown away three hands that eventually woulda won me money (crappy hands that ended up good by the end) and I stayed in a few hands, folding before the river.  I’m down to my original $1500. 

What a stupid game this is.

Deal #41 - Blinds are now $50/$100 and I’m at $1350.  I pull a pair of Kings.  Is this the time to go “all in”?  I just bet the minimum to see what everyone else is doing.  After the flop I raise to $200 and after the turn, with 10-10-5-2 on the table, I bump up to $300.  The river comes up a 9 and it’s down to me and kevsarounder.  “Kev’s A Rounder”… pshhh, as if!  Does he have a 10?  I wuss out and only bet $300.  He calls and I win!  TAKE THAT, YOU MATT DAMON WANNABE!  I’m at $2350.

Deal #44 - I have Q-J off-suit, K-6-Q comes up on the flop.  Dawn1971 goes “all in”, forcing me to throw all my chips in if I wanna play.  Darn you.  YOU CAN TAKE MY $150, DAWN1971, BUT NO MORE!  I fold like an accordion… or crumble like a cookie… or insert your own over-used poker metaphor here.

Or maybe that’s a simile… or an analogy… or a saying… whatever.  HEY, I just use ‘em, I don’t understand ‘em!  I remember my high school English teacher trying to explain the difference between similes and metaphors and I’m sitting there at my desk with a blank look on my face (actually, I was probably drawing in my notebook or something).  After I thought I finally figured ’em out, she gave a quiz on similes and metaphors and I failed like… like… a fat kid… on a diet… visiting a cookie factory (see, I told you I suck at these things).

Okay, back to the tournament…

Deal #54 - They announce that there’ll be a 5 minute break in 5 minutes.  I have $1200 and the blinds are $100/$200.  The way things are going, I don’t think I’m lasting until then.

Deal #59 - J-Q unsuited and the flop comes up 6-J-10.  I got a pair of Jacks and a chance at a Queen-high Heart flush.  So I bet $200, kevsarounder and Coach80 both call.  8 of Hearts comes up on the turn to get one step closer to my flush.  I bet $200, kevsarounder bets $1000.  Uhhhh… I only have $600 left.  I’m forced to go “all in”, figuring if I fold, $600 isn’t gonna do me much good at $100/$200.  Instead of uttering an emphatic Scotty Nguyen-type “I’m all in, babyyyy!”, it’s more like “Here, take my money you frikkin’ cheater”.  Coach80 calls as well.  Doggone it.  Here comes the river and I’m thinkin’ I need a King or Ace of Hearts or at least another Jack to have a chance.

Ace of Spades.

Wuh-oh.

kevsarounder now goes “all in” and I know I’m not winnin’.  Sure enough, he has the flush, Coach80 mucks his hand and before I can take a screenshot, I’ve been escorted off the table and replaced by another player.

Cayuga: “I believe you’re in my seat, loser… I mean, Dramamine Boy”

Time elapsed: 58 minutes
Standing: 962nd place out of 2956
Did I look stupid?: Perhaps

Bah, I didn’t wanna go to Paris anyway.  I took Spanish in high school cuz there were a bunch of wussies takin’ French and I don’t wanna go on vacation and talk to a bunch of wussies.  Frikkin’ kevsarounder.  I hope you choke on my money, you… you… money-taker you.

As you can see, I failed my “cool insults” class as well.

So, I guess I need a little more practice at this game.  In the meantime, I’ll be on the lookout for a tournament that’s a little more my speed:

 

Okay, my mom (who now reads my blog… along with apparently every other member of my family) bought me a digital camera for Christmas a couple of years ago.  She requested to see some photos back then and being the fantastic son I am, have produced zero photos in the year and a half since her request.  I rule!

Oh sure, I’ve already taken many awe-inspiring photos, such as A Day in The Life and The Story of An Antenna Ball, but I haven’t sent any her way.

So, inspired by sydney_chickie’s trip to San Francisco (which she hasn’t blogged about yet… maybe THAT should be my request!), I decided to take a couple of journeys to take some pics.  Pictures are posted in chronological order cuz… well, that’s how they came out of my camera.

(You can click on some of the pics for larger images)

Description: The Palace of Fine Arts – San Francisco

Less-Poetic Description: My first night picture attempt.  The camera has an automatic night setting, so pretty much all I have to do is keep the camera steady.  One problem… I don’t own a tripod.  So, I steadied the camera by putting it on top of a garbage can (oh, how romantic).

While walking back to my car, the sprinkler system almost drenched me.

When I got home and looked at the pic, I saw that most of the detail of the sculptures near the top were all washed out.  Darn it, I wish this camera had more exposure control.

The next day, I picked up the instruction booklet… hey, whadda ya know… it DOES have more exposure control. =/

Oh well, I guess I’ll have to go out there again some night.

Description: San Francisco/Oakland Bay Bridge on a foggy night (as if there were any other kind of nights in SF)

Less-Poetic Description: Same night as the previous pic.  Looking from San Francisco towards Yerba Buena Island.  The bridge continues on (the string of lights to the right of the island) and ends in Oakland.  I laid the camera on a railing, but had to tilt the camera a bit.  I like this pic the best.  Especially when…

Another picture of the bridge with Oakland in the distance.  Unfortunately, while taking this picture, a dog came up behind me and barked.  So, it’s kinda blurry.  I looked back at the dog when the camera finished taking the picture and it didn’t bark or do anything else.  It just walked away.  It’s as if the dog saw me taking a night picture and barked on purpose to mess up my picture.  Doggone… dog.

Description: Sunset overlooking Marin Hills (I think)

Less-Poetic Description: There’s a spot on the hill in El Cerrito that I’ve been where you can get a good shot of the area.  So, I walked up the hill… but couldn’t remember how to get over to that spot anymore, so I walked back down the hill.  The sun was going down, so I figured, “Heck, let’s take a picture of that”.  The end.

Description: A picture from my bedroom window

Less-Poetic Description: Yeah, I wish.  Actually, it’s a shot taken from Grizzly Peak Blvd., Berkeley Hills.  There are spots along the road where you can pull over to appreciate the view.

Description: Same place, nearing night time

Less-Poetic Description: Since there wasn’t any place to lay my camera, I sat in the passenger seat of my car, rolled down my window and sat the camera on the edge of the door to keep it still.

Description: Panoramic picture from the same location

Less-Poetic Description: My second attempt at a panorama picture.  The first one I tried to do last year failed miserably.  So, I went on the internet (as you know, the source of everything true in the world) to see how to take a panoramic picture and tried again.  This one came out way better, but there’s still a bit of variation in the light in one of the panels (and it actually pieces together correctly).

Description: Birdie!

Less-Poetic Description: Birdie!

Description: Interstate 80 – El Cerrito, CA (Albany Hill in the background)

Less-Poetic Description: I thought these types of pictures (long exposure of freeways while cars go by) were pretty cool, so I thought I’d try one.  Taken while laying on my stomach on a pedestrian overpass, sticking my lens through the chain-link fence at 10:30pm while drunk people walk by asking me what I’m doing.

Description: Bay Bridge and downtown San Francisco taken from Treasure Island

Less-Poetic Description: I’ve lived in this area my whole life and that was the first time I’ve been on Treasure Island… I think.  Treasure Island is adjacent to Yerba Buena Island.  Taken on two different nights.  It was frikkin’ cold the second night.  Not sure why the water shimmers and reflects the bridge/city lights in the first pic and it’s jet black in the panoramic pic.  Any camera experts wanna answer that for me?

Well, uh… that wasn’t very funny.  So, I’ll end this blog with the first (and unfortunately for me, nowhere near the last) installment of…

Not-So-Great Moments in Dramamine Boy History

These will all be true stories… sad to say.

Okay, there’s a Wienerschnitzel near my house, so I frequently (probably too frequently) walk over to grab some food.  One day recently, it was time for lunch and I decided that Wienerschnitzel would be a fine choice.  It was a nice, hot day, so instead of driving the block and a half to the restaurant, I decided to walk (hey, it’s kind of a long block, okay!?!).

I walked up to the window and gave Mr. Myron Wienerschnitzel (name changed to protect the innocent… or heck, maybe that was his name) my order.  “Your total comes to $5.80″, Myron said.  Myron went to get my drink while I pulled out $6.00.  I handed Myron my money, he gave me back my change and also my drink and a straw.  “Your order will be ready in a sec”, Myron said politely (yeah right… “politely”… as if a teenage kid working in a cramped fast food restaurant on a 80 degree day making 49 cents an hour is gonna be polite).

Being a hot day, I decided to sip my soda while waiting for my food.  So, I unwrapped my straw and stuck it through the hole at the top of my soda cup.  While taking the first sip of my soda, I walked over to the garbage can, pushed open the flap to the can and…

dropped my twenty cents directly into the garbage.

 

Aftermath: There I am, standing at the garbage can, the straw wrapper still in my hand and the straw stuck in my mouth in mid-sip, wondering why the heck I just threw legal tender into the trash.  Fortunately, nobody saw this stupid act (unlike future installments of Not-So-Great Moments in Dramamine Boy History) and I wasn’t about to draw attention to myself by pulling off the top of the trash can to go digging for my 20 cents.

It’s time to visit the only event where nerdy kids garner my attention for more than 30 seconds… better known as The Scripps National Spelling Bee!

Okay, I was kinda mad that I missed the competition on ESPN this year, since it’s always packed with quality entertainment.  They replayed it on Thursday, so I was able to catch some of it.  It’s playing again on Sunday, so heck, maybe I should set my VCR or something so I can watch the whole thing.  But, since it’s time for a Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blog, I might as well give you my thoughts on what I did see of the competition.

I think the best thing about this competition is the pressure.  You have 12-15 year-old kids on national television standing alone on stage trying to avoid looking stupid.  Oh sure, these kids are a model of calmness in the first couple of rounds.  But by the 8th round, the placards around their necks feel a little tighter, their hair is all messed up, the nerd glasses start fogging up and a few of ‘em have been chain smoking since round 5.

Trevor lights up after correctly spelling “leptocercal”

As I stated on Cindy’s blog, all I want is to have one kid crack under the pressure:

Judge: The word is… isochronous.

Nerd: Can I have the definition please?

Judge: <judge answers> (yeah right, like I’d know the definition?  As if!)

Nerd: What is the origin?

Judge: <judge answers> (I dunno this either… the origin is from some smart guy that wanted to think up a word that nobody would use?)

Nerd: Can you use it in a sentence?

Judge: <judge uses it in a sentence> (my sentence would be, “Isochronous is a word that confuses and frightens me”)

Nerd: <sweats profusely>

*Ding!* <— that’s the “hurry up kid, time’s running out” bell

Nerd: <hyperventilating>… DOG!  D-O-G!  DOG!  WOOF WOOF! <gets on all fours and pees on the judge>

There was a great moment in this year’s contest that kinda came close.  Akshay Buddiga, who ended up in second place, was about to spell a word… and he fainted!  Just “plop”, right there on the stage.  After spending like five seconds on the floor (during that time, nobody tried to see if he was okay, incidentally), he got up and spelled the word correctly!  It was one of the most amazing things ever!  I mean seriously, that was the equivalent to that time Michael Jordan scored 38 points, including the game winning shot, while sick with stomach flu in the NBA Finals a few years ago.  Only instead of the greatest basketball player of all time on the greatest stage of his sport, it was a scrawny nerd kid who was trying to spell a word he’ll never use again for the rest of his life.

So, they take him to the back to make sure he’s okay.  When it’s his turn to spell a word in the next round…

They give him a chair!?!  So he gets to sit down and relax while everyone else has to stand?  What a wienie!  That’s like if Michael Jordan came out for the 4th quarter in one of those motorized wheelchairs!  If I was the judge, the next word I’m givin’ him to spell is “pantywaist”!

This kid was also the younger brother of the 2002 champion, who was there to root on his brother.  “Root”… yeah, right.  You know he was hoping his brother would mess up so he’d still be considered the best speller in the family.  When the brother finally lost, I’m sure the older brother turned to his dad and said, “I’m still number one, aren’t I, dad?” and the dad answered, “That’s right, son, cuz your brother is a loser”.

Dear Lord… please make my brother misspell this word

Speaking of parents… they cut to the audience one time and there was one of the parents… VIDEOTAPING THEIR KID!  SPELLING!!  Boy, I sure hope I don’t get invited to watch home movies in THAT house.  I mean, I can see taping your kid as he hits a home run to win a baseball game or something.  But I’m runnin’ for the door if I’m at someone’s house and they say, “Hey, let me show you a tape of my kid spelling ‘hepatopathy’”.

As much fun this competition is, I don’t think they’ve tapped its full potential.  It could be so much better if they spice it up a bit.  Here’s some things that they should include to make this just a little more interesting:

Taunting - Everyone is so quiet when a kid is tryin’ to figure out how to spell the word they’re given… how boring.  Why not let the other kids try to rattle the speller?  This ain’t golf, ya know!  Not sure what I would say if I was trying to taunt a kid trying to spell.  All I could come up with was:

“Noonan!  Nnnnnnnoonan!”
“Sure hope you studied up on your french participles, ya nerd!”
“Don’t forget, it’s I before E, except after C, Charlie Brown!”

Humiliation - When a kid misspells a word, you hear a soft “ding!”, which let’s the kid know they spelled the word wrong.  Why not something a little more harsh?  Like a big “BZZZZZZZZT!” or a gong or something and throw in that “wa-wa-waaaaaaaaaaaaa” sound to humiliate kids when they mess up.

And if a kid misses the first word they’re given, people should boo.  I mean, you win the regional competitions, you’re the state champion and as soon as you get on TV to show the world what you can do, you can’t spell one word right, making you and your family look like morons!?!  BOOOOOOOOOO!

How about after they miss the word, the judge says something like, “It’s spelled C-O-D-I-C-I-L-L-A-R-Y… you moron.  Get off the stage, loser”.

Or maybe get that Sandman guy from Showtime At The Apollo and have him come on stage and sweep the kid off the stage when they blow it.

Ooooo, better yet, get Simon from American Idol to be the judge so he can rip on a few kids before they leave the stage in shame.

If spelling was a movie, you’d be Ishtar

As you can see, I’m a big fan of humiliation in this contest.

Attitude - Bottom line is, the participants are a bunch of nerds.  You just aren’t gonna get cool reactions out of these kids.  You need more competitive kids.  Kids that, when they spell a word right, they say, “THAT’S RIGHT!  BETTA RECOGNIZE, FOO’!  WESSSIIIIDE!”.  Or they give the other kids a death stare or do a victory lap around the stage… ANYTHING!

And if they miss a word, they go on an obsenity-laden tirade, complete with kicking the microphone stand off the stage and threatening the judges with physical harm.  Man, I might just sponsor a kid next year just so this could happen.

Do you like your fingers?  Tell me I spelled that word right or your new nickname will be “Stumpy”

The problem with that, however, is that kids with attitudes like that can’t spell.  I mean, put a bunch of regular kids in a national spelling bee and you’re not gettin’ out of the first round.  So, they would have to change the competition somewhat to conform to the skill level of these kids.  Something like… The National L33t Spelling Bee!

 

Announcer: Here’s our next contestant in the National L33t Spelling Bee sponsored by GameSpy…

Name: L33t sP3LLuR
Sponsored By: Bob’s Cyber Cafe
Age: 14
Grade: 5

Judge: Your word is… suxorz.

L33t sP3lluR: What is the definition?

Judge: To perform below the expected skill level of average gamers.  To suck.

L33t sP3lluR: What is the origin?

Judge: Some 13-year old kid said it while playing Doom in 1996.

L33t sP3lluR: Can you use it in a sentence?

Judge: J00 SUX0RZ!!11

L33t sP3lluR: suxorz… S-U-X-O-R-Z… suxorz

*BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!  Wa-wa-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…”

Judge: Sorry, it’s spelled, 5-line-underscore-line-X-zero-line-two-Z… “5|_|X0|2Z”

L33t sP3lluR: %&$#*^$#&%$#!! *kicks microphone stand*

Memorial Day Edition
May 31, 2004 (so we’re a little late… we’re sure it’s still May 31st SOMEwhere in the world)

Dramamine Boy Turns Self In

Xangaland – Missing Xanga blogger Dramamine Boy, being sought for bedding infractions, turned himself in to the authorities earlier today, ending a ten week manhunt.  However, Dramamine Boy was not arrested, but instead met with investigators and released.

Later, it was learned that a deal had been struck.  According to unnamed sources, the charge of pillow tag tampering had been dropped in exchange for supplying witnesses for the prosecution in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial.

A spokesman for the International Bed and Pillow Police stated, “This is a heinous miscarriage of justice!  We’re unable to prosecute this law-breaker just because he’s able to aid in some trivial case against that Thriller guy?  Bed and Pillow crimes have been overlooked by the courts time and time again.  Why hasn’t my suggestion of installing the death penalty for abusing beds and pillows been approved yet!?!   WHERE’S THE JUSTICE!?!”

When approached with the news of Dramamine Boy being cleared of all charges, the founders of Xanga.com released the following statement:

“Who?”

Dramamine Boy quickly left the police station without comment.  The spokesman for Dramamine Boy’s Xanga was unavailable for comment as well, however, a Xanga Times reporter later spotted him panhandling at the end of a freeway off-ramp, with the sign, “Will work for new tiger”.
 

---

In Other Super-Cool News

Dramamine Boy Spanked by Sydney_Chickie! - Canadian maple extremely sturdy, butt still sore

Dramamine Boy wins SuuGaPuFF’s Contest! - …by cheating

Ting2 is Dramamine Boy’s Xanga’s 200th Subscriber! - Elaborate parade planned… um… some day

 

Well, I sure am glad that ordeal is over with.  Where has Dramamine Boy been all this time, you ask?  Well, I’d love to tell you, but if there ends up being another reason to go into hiding, I’d have to find new hiding places.  And as you people know, good hiding places are hard to find (this link will eventually go to a future Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blog that has yet to be written.  When I write the blog, it will explain what I mean about “hiding places are hard to find” and I’ll come back and complete the link, so future people that read this will be able to TRAVEL TO THE FUTURE!!… well, sorta.  Instead of usual, boring internet links that refer to current or past webpages, this link will take you to a future webpage!  Just another cool feature of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga!  Until I write that blog, however, it’s just confusing).

Alright… go go Gadget blog!

Good lord… I’ve waited as long as I could wait.  The clock has struck midnight and a new month has arrived.  But this is no ordinary flip of the calendar.  Does anyone happen to know what month just passed!?!

And yes, I’m aware it was May… but that’s not what I’m talkin’ about.  Why, it was Asian Pacific American Heritage Month!

200+ websites and this crappy, blurry image was the only poster I could find

That’s right, baby, we got our own month!  Take that, all you non-Pacific Asians (I’m not sure what asians are non-Pacific asians, but whatever)!  But here it is, the end of May and I wouldn’t even have known it was Asian Pacific American Heritage Month if I didn’t happen to look it up on the web! 

What’s the deal here?  If you turn on BET at any time in February, there’ll be a show or special or something on about Black History Month.  The History Channel celebrates Black History Month as well, broadcasting numerous biographies on influential black historical figures.  ESPN runs commercials throughout February glorifying great black athletes of the past. 

So what about the asians!?!  I’ve been watching ESPN all month and how many tributes to Rex Walters have I seen?  ZERO!!  Heck, I just looked through BET’s website and they didn’t even show Better Luck Tomorrow ONCE this month on Black Star Power Cinema!?!

Where’s the TV exposure?  Where are the touching stories on the local news regarding our ancestors and their contributions to this country?  Where are the parades and other celebrations?  WHERE ARE THE GODZILLA MARATHONS!?!

Doggone asian pacific discrimination, I tell you.

So, I turned on the TV, looking for some station that would honor Asian Pacific American Heritage Month.  I started where everyone would start when looking for this type of news… VH-1.  I watched a whole month of VH-1 and there was not one mention of Asian Pacific American Heritage Month!  How hard would it have been to do one special program about asians?  Where’s VH-1′s list of the 100 Greatest Asian Rappers?  I mean, seriously, I’d really like to see that list, cuz I think if I practiced, I could make that one.

I’ve never heard one of Jin’s songs, but I’m gonna take a wild guess and say he’d be on that list

So be warned, VH-1!  You blew it this year, so you better make things right next year or I just might start boycotting!  Next May, I better see a whole month full of asian programs!  Not only the aforementioned Asian Rapper list, but quality programming such as…

Heck, I can’t just pin it on VH-1, tho’.  There’s a crapload of stations on cable and NONE of them ran ONE program to commemorate Asian Pacific American Heritage Month!?!  Doggone it, I just might start boycotting TV altogether if they don’t get their acts together next year.  Here’s some other programs I’m looking forward to…

Hello Fox Sports Net?  Can you shut Tom Arnold up long enough to show…

I mean, Yuta’s accomplished so much already in the world of basketball, this episode should’ve been made already, whether it’s Asian Pacific American Heritage Month or not!  If they can make an episode about Daunte Culpepper and his penchant for throwing interceptions and mis-reading receiver routes and coverages, then they can make an episode about Yuta leading his team to the ABA championship!

Not only should ESPN be running vignettes on all of their networks about the great pacific asian american athletes during every commercial break, but they should also go the extra step and play old games on ESPN Classic featuring pacific asian athletes.  For example, in February, they showed baseball games that Jackie Robinson played in… how about showing a few Lenn Sakata games in May?  They could show like… every game that he ever hit a home run.  Heck, he only hit 25 of ‘em in his career, it shouldn’t be too tough to replay them all in one month.

Where the heck is A&E?  Do they feel that there aren’t any prominent asians in the arts and entertainment industry!?!  They can’t come out with…

Sulu!  How can they create this Biography show and not do one about the first asian in space!?!  Come on, just think of all the cool stuff they could cover in this episode.  They could talk about all of Sulu’s cool lines, such as, “Captain… look!” and “Warp factor two, aye”.  They could do a half an hour just talking to Sulu about the episode where he went nuts, took off his shirt and ran around the ship looking to stab people in the knees with a fencing foil!

I see you are wearing knee pads… not fair!

Sulu could talk about being promoted to captain and his secret relationship with Chekov and stuff like that.  I’m tellin’ ya, THAT’S RIVETING TELEVISION ENTERTAINMENT!

Sulu looking just a lit-tle too happy for my taste

At the very least, can’t we see this next May!?!

And it’ll give me a chance to dress up

GET TO WORK, TV EXECUTIVES!  THE CLOCK IS TICKING!

Man, I can’t wait until next May.  TV is gonna be SO COOL!  I guess I better start practicing now…

I said a hip hop the hippie to the hippie
the hip hip hop, a you dont stop