Welcome to another installment of:

Not-So-Great Moments in Dramamine Boy History

Age: 6
Location: The humble abode of the Dramamine Boy family for the first few years of my life

This was our house back then and it looks exactly like it did back on that warm, summer day, oh so many years ago.

Well, except that the drapes were open.

And there was no such thing as cable TV, so none of those wires were running up the wall.

And that big bird of paradise plant was either waaaaay smaller or it wasn’t there to allow for easier access to the window (this is an important piece of info which will become obvious later).

And that car in the background hadn’t been made yet.

And that little garden in the front yard was just grass.

And I don’t think that was the color of our house back then.

And the image of the school that is reflecting in the window was brown instead of white.

That’s right, the school where I went to kindergarten and first grade was right across the street from my house.  And yet, I was constantly late.  Also, in kindergarten, they had this big piece of paper cut in the shape of a telephone hanging on the wall with names of students on it.  When you proved to the teacher that you were able to memorize your own phone number, she would add your name to the list on that big phone piece of paper.  Despite living approximately 30 seconds away from the classroom, my name was never added to that list.

But alas, that is not the not-so-great moment I’m talking about… although yeah, that wasn’t so great either.

NO!  Instead, I will regale you with quite a different tale.  It’s about a game I was playing with my brother… that immortal favorite, tag.

Back when I was little, there was no Cartoon Network and there were no Nintendos or stuff like that, so we had to rely on the classics to keep us entertained during the summer.  Swimming lessons… eluding the deadly clutches of the chinese finger trap… and tag.

When someone falls for this, you immediately go for their wallet/purse

So, me and my brother ran around outside of our house one summer afternoon playing tag.  Now, if you look at the picture of our house, our front door is on the left side of the house (you can make out the porch light) and we had a back door on the right side of our house.  Well, me and my brother decided to combine our outdoor tag with indoor tag… we were pretty versatile tag participants.  We went in and out of the house, running through both doors, slamming them shut and swinging them open (I have no idea why my mom, who was in the back bedroom, didn’t come out and lock us up in a closet or something for making all that noise).

Around and around we went, with my brother trying to tag me.  Suddenly, I had the idea of running through the front door and then locking it.  Yes, even at age six… genius.  My brother yelled at me from outside how that wasn’t fair.  I reluctantly agreed, so I unlocked the door and ran out the back.  He eventually caught up to me and tagged me, so I started chasing him.  He ran into the house through the back door and locked it (what a frikkin’ cheater), so I ran over to the front door and… he had locked that one, too.

So here I am, locked out of the house.  I walk over to the front window and look inside and there’s my brother, laughing at me.  I’m a little mad now, partly because he’s taunting me from inside the house, but mostly cuz I just got out-smarted by a four-year old.

I bang on the window and yell, “Let me in!”.  My brother just stands there, laughing away.  Frustrated, I bang my fists on the window and yell, “UNLOCK THE DO-” aaaaaaand the window shatters.

Shards of glass explode into the house and my brother stumbles back and falls on his butt.  Fortunately, he was standing about ten feet away from the window, so no glass came near him.

Then again, maybe a couple of shards stuck in his leg would’ve been just desserts for locking me out.

For the next hour and a half (okay, it was like a second or two, but it seemed like an hour and a half), I stood there in shock and my brother sat on the floor in shock and silence enveloped the scene.  Suddenly, my brother yelled, “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” and got up off the floor and ran towards my parent’s bedroom.  That woke me up out of my trance and I had only one thought on my mind…

That’s it, I’m running away from home.

That’s right, some kids leave the house after high school or college, I’m deciding to venture off on my own at age six.  Now, where I was going to run away to, I was not sure.  Since I was prohibited from leaving our block, it really cut down on the number of places I could run away to.  So, I ran four houses down the block and ducked into the driveway, kneeling behind a shrub.

Now, I wasn’t expecting this shrub to be my new permanent place of residence, seeing how it lacked important things like food and a roof and a TV.  However, it gave me a place to sit down and think this through. 

Where am I gonna go?  Should I just go around the block and knock on people’s doors and ask if I could stay there?  I guess I could ask that lady that would feed me and my brother cookies.  I wouldn’t mind having cookies for dinner.  Oh oh, I’m not supposed to go out without a jacket.  I’ll have to sneak back home and get that.  How am I gonna do that?

I decide to peek above the shrub to see what’s going on and what do I see?  My mom.

DOGGONE IT!

What are the frikkin’ odds that my mom would know where I was!?!  Well, I later found out that some lady was walking on the other side of our street and saw the whole thing.  When my mom came out of the house, the lady told her where I went.  Doggone tattle-tale bystanders.  What happened to that age-old courtesy of people MINDING THEIR OWN FRIKKIN’ BUSINESS!?!

The next thing I remember is sitting on the far corner of my bed, cowering in the corner of my room and my mom yelling, “JUST WAIT UNTIL YOUR DAD GETS HOME!”.  And that was it for me… I cried for like the next four hours, anticipating the horrible things that were going to happen to me when my dad got home.  Just when I’d get down to sobbing, I’d hear some people talking in the living room and start crying again, thinking my dad got home.  I remember my dad finally getting home and… that’s all I remember.  I don’t remember what happened to me after that.  Maybe I was beaten so bad, I blacked out or something, I dunno.  Perhaps I should invest in some psycho-therapy to recall these repressed memories.

So, the things that I learned from this not-so-great moment are:

• The approximate breaking point of glass when being banged on with my fists
  
• My brother is a frikkin’ cheater at tag
  
• Carry around money, extra clothes and a toothbrush wherever you go if you suddenly have to run away from home
  
• If you do decide to run away from home, pick a good hiding place!

(Does anyone remember what ground-breaking moment you have just witnessed!?!  I didn’t think so.)

Woohoo!  I’ve just been nominated on neuroticfitchmom’s site as one of Xanga’s best!  This is actually the second contest Dramamine Boy’s Xanga has been nominated for, but I didn’t find out about the first one until the voting had already ended.  So, I couldn’t shamelessly shill for votes like others did and I lost.  Actually, I still don’t know what I was nominated for.

So, go over to her site and check out all the categories and nominees.  At worst, maybe you’ll find some new sites to subscribe to.  There are a bunch of categories being currently voted on and I’m nominated for…

Best Banner?  How’d I get nominated for Best Banner?  For those of you that have been around for awhile, you’ll remember that most of my banners have purposely been about as plain as possible.  The usual Dramamine Boy’s Xanga banner is something like:

And sure, instead of the tag line on the right, I’d insert a pic every so often that related to a recent Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blog, such as:

 or

but none of those were award-worthy.  Sure, the Olympics banner and the current banner have a lot more work involved, but isn’t Dramamine Boy’s Xanga known for other things besides banners?

Like what about Most Inspiring Site?  My parenting tips weren’t inspiring?  YUTA TABUSE ISN’T INSPIRING!?!

(Speaking of Yuta Tabuse… he is currently hurt with a pulled hamstring.  After winning their first four games with Yuta, the Suns went out and lost their first game of the season without him.  COINCIDENCE!?!  I think not.)

Or how about Xangan You Would Most Likely Visit?  Nobody wants to visit me!?!  We have a huge, luxurious compound estate here at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Headquarters!  And think of all the workers here that will be waiting on you hand and foot, tending to your every need and serving you top notch meals!

Workers burying pig for Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Headquarters luau

And the biggest oversight of them all… what about Sexiest Xangan!?!

THIS ISN’T SEXY!?!

And why isn’t cowboybone in the Best Writer category?  I CALL SHENANIGANS!

So, just write in my name for like all the categories and hopefully, I’ll win ‘em all!  I’m guessing there will be some huge cash prize for winning each category, so if I win all of ‘em, I’ll be rich and I can quit my job!  And that’ll mean more Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blogs for everyone to read!  SO GO VOTE!  WOOHOO!  GO YOU!

Honestly, I went through the competition in the Best Banner category and I don’t think I have a chance.  But… that doesn’t stop you from voting for me without regard for fairness or unbiasness!

“Unbiasness”… I think I just made up a new word.  YET ANOTHER REASON TO VOTE FOR ME!

And a big thanks to Grisaleen, who nominated me!

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 The Yuta Line!

Hamstrings Pulled/Total

1/2

Before we get to today’s blog, first a couple of announcements:

Suns 112, Hawks 82

THAT’S RIGHT, BABY!  The Yuta Tabuse Era has begun!  He officially became the first Japanese-born player to play in the National Basketball Association on Wednesday.  In ten minutes of playing time, Yuta scored seven points!  At that rate, if he played the whole game, he woulda had 33 points!  THAT’S MVP TERRITORY, PEOPLE!

 The Yuta Line!

Minutes Played	Shots Made/Att	3-pointers Made/Att	Free Throws Made/Att	Rebounds	Assists	Steals	Blocks	Turnovers	Fouls	Points
10.0	1/3	1/1	4/4	0	1	0	0	1	1	7

---

Apparently, there was some sort of election thing on Tuesday.  I caught part of the election coverage on TV and one thing stood out.  That was, the results for Idaho’s senator:

Crapo (Incumbent)	497,541	99%
McClure	2,579	1%

99 PERCENT TO 1!?!  And that McClure guy didn’t even really get 1 percent, either!  It’s like 0.51 percent!  Heck, even I got more votes than that when I ran for governor of California!

Okay… maybe not.

But still!  What did this guy do to lose by 99 percent!?!  Did he vow to wage a holy war on the American infidels?  Did he proclaim potatoes to be the food of the devil?  Did Michael Jackson change his name to McClure?

Let me know what happened, Idaho Xangans!  And if you run into Mr. McClure, pass on a message for me:

“Dude, you lost to a guy named CRAPO!”

---

Okay, now time for the blog for today…

I’m sure everyone has at one time or another wished that they could fly like Superman, or be as strong as Superman, or have X-Ray vision like… uh, Superman.  Okay, so everyone wants to be Superman.  But, what about some of the other super heroes?  I mean, there’s some other super heroes that might be cool to become, but also a bunch that I’d rather not be.  Like that Toad guy from the first X-Men movie.  Sure, he can jump really high and spit some sort of green goop.  But, he eats flies!  How lame would that be?

See, I don’t think people have thought this stuff out.  That’s where I come in.  Dramamine Boy’s Xanga presents…

Top 5 Superheroes I Wouldn’t Want to Be

5. Zan from the Wonder Twins - Sure, I could include both of the Wonder Twins here, but I gotta say that being Zan would suck much more than being Jayna.  For those of you unfamiliar with the Wonder Twins, they were part of the Super Friends cartoon show.  The Wonder Twins, named Zan and Jayna, were two dopes that the writers included with Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman so they could have someone totally screw up so Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman could save them.

Jayna’s super power was being able to take the form of any animal.  So, she could become an eagle and peck your eyes out.  Or she could become a mouse so she could spy on the bad guys.  Or she could become a chihuahua and pee on you.  You know, cool stuff like that.

Zan, on the other hand… his super power was to turn into any water form.  I’m still trying to figure out a crime-fighting scenario where this would be a plus.  Sure, Zan could turn into a big ice monster or something, but what good would that be?  One shot from the bad guys and he crumbles into a million pieces.  And don’t even think about trying to battle crime during the summer.

The only useful thing I could think of is that if somebody like Robin was dying of thirst, he could drink Zan.  But, that would pretty much be the end of Zan.  Well… until Robin had to go to the bathroom, but I’m getting nauseous just thinking about that.  This scenario pretty much clinches it for me never wanting to be Zan.

4. Hawkman - Sure, the guy can fly.  That’s pretty cool.  And yes, he has the ultra-sharp eyes and ears of a hawk.  I can see how those powers would be extremely useful in battling crime.  BUT HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT HE’S WEARING!?!  How would you like to stand in the 10 Item or Less line at your grocery store with that outfit on?  Or just think how much ridicule you’d get if you went to a football game.  You’d have to sit through the whole game and listen to drunk fans giving you a hard time.

“Aren’t the mascots supposed to be on the field?”

“Polly want some nachos?”

“Hey, nice beak, pal!”

And it’s not like you could tune them out either, Mr. I-Have-Hearing-Like-A-Hawk.  You’d have to continually beat up strangers just to save face.  Then the police will throw you in the drunk tank and the taunting will start all over again.  No thanks.

3. Green Arrow - He is best marksman in the universe with a bow and arrow.  Some of his arrows are specially made to contain an explosive charge, or tear gas or a grappling hook.  I just have one question… HOW IS THIS GUY STILL ALIVE!?!  Let’s take a look at a scene from a Green Arrow comic:

Why isn’t this happening to him in every issue!?!  I mean, the guy doesn’t have armor.  He doesn’t have super strength or super speed or super anything.  Maybe in the 1930s and ’40s he could get away with a bow and arrow against the cruder, less accurate guns back then.  But now?  He’s just gonna get a cap busted directly into his green butt.

And that’s another thing… who is this guy gonna sneak up on with that outfit?  At least Hawkman could fly far above the bad guys so he could keep an eye on ‘em.  Unless there’s some serious crimes goin’ down at the local Robin Hood Rennaisance Faire, I just can’t see Green Arrow being able to keep a low profile.

2. Aquaman - Super powers: can telepathically communicate with sea animals and get them to do anything he wants.  He’s also an excellent swimmer.

Okay, unless you see Kevin Costner floating by because you’re living in Waterworld, what the heck good is Aquaman gonna do to protect you from crime?  Sure, Aquaman could put on a heck of a seal and dolphin show that would put Sea World to shame.  But what good is that if someone’s robbing a bank?  At least if there’s a robbery at a chinese restaurant, Aquaman could summon the crabs and lobsters and fish to jump out of their tanks and attack the gunman.  Otherwise, he’s gonna stand there along with everyone else, with his hands up in the air just like in that picture above, thinking, “Man, if these guys were sticking up an aquarium, I’d so rule”.

1. The Hulk - “Are you nuts, Dram!?!  The Hulk is awesome!”.  Oh sure, The Hulk is like the strongest being on earth.  Even for a big guy, he can run at an enormous speed and jump a mile at a time.  The Hulk is pretty unstoppable.  So, why is The Hulk #1 on my list?

Well, it’s not because he’s green.  Big deal.  If you’re kickin’ the crap out of everyone, who cares what you look like?  Well… unless you’re Hawkman.

Look at it this way.  The Hulk is usually mild-mannered Dr. Bruce Banner and only turns into The Hulk when he gets angry.  Due to this, Dr. Banner’s expense account has gotta be enormous.  I mean, he’s gotta be a doctor just so he can pay for all the stuff he destroys when he turns into The Hulk!  For example, let’s say I’m driving down the road and some moron cuts me off, almost causing an accident.  I get mad and BAM!  I turn into The Hulk and my whole car is toast.

Or, let’s say I’m playing Counter-Strike and some dumb guy with less of a life than me keeps killing me.  I get mad and BAM!  HULK SMASH!  And just like that, I need to buy a new computer.

Let’s not forget all the clothes you ruin everytime you turn into The Hulk.  You’d have to become a monk or a pacifist or something just to save money.

And what kind of friends are you gonna have?  The first time a friend angers you, you turn into The Hulk and pound your friend into the ground.  Nobody’s gonna wanna hang out with you.  And even if you do encounter some people you’d love to beat up, so what?  You get mad, turn into The Hulk, kick the crap out of them and then turn back into Dr. Banner, unable to remember anything that happened.  What fun is that if you can’t savor the moment?

So, you can have all that super power stuff.  I’m still holding out to be a wrestler on ¡Mucha Lucha!  I could be El Muchacho de Dramamine, making my opponents dizzy and nauseous with my erratic, motion sickness-inducing moves.

I’d so kick the crap out of The Flea.  I’d have him throwing up all over the place.  I’m tellin’ ya, that would be the coolest episode ever.

Just a quick little blog about the greatest comeback in the history of sports!

I got an e-mail from cowboybone the other day, which contained this link:

THAT’S RIGHT, BABY!  Yuta Tabuse is back in the NBA!  After the moronic Denver Nuggets cut Yuta before last year’s NBA season, he’s back on an NBA roster, trying to become the first japanese-born player to play in the NBA!  The Phoenix Suns are officially the smartest team in the NBA world!

Yuta wears #1 for the Suns.  Why #1?  NEED YOU ASK!?!

After this historic signing, the Suns have gotta be odds-on favorites to win the NBA Championship!  Don’t believe me?  Well, here’s proof:

Number of seasons Yuta played in the ABA: 1
Number of championships Yuta won in the ABA: 1

THAT’S A 100% SUCCESS RATE, PEOPLE!

Still not convinced?  Well, let’s take a look at the current NBA Pre-Season standings, shall we?  Last year, the Suns finished in sixth place out of seven teams, winning only 29 games while losing 53.  After adding Yuta to their roster, how are they doing so far this year?

FIRST PLACE!  HOW MUCH MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED!?!  WAKE UP AND SMELL THE SUCCESS!

Man, I wish I knew about Yuta’s signing earlier, so I could put some money down on the Suns to win the NBA Championship.  I gotta figure that once the Vegas oddsmakers found out about Yuta joining the Suns, they changed the Suns’ odds to like 1/5 or something like that.  Oh well, when there’s a sure thing, it doesn’t really matter what the odds are… I’ll make money anyway!  So, I checked up on the current odds and…

50 TO 1!?!  What are they thinking!?!  Hurry everyone!  Sell your house!  Sell your car!  Sell your kids!  Put every penny you have on the Suns to win the championship!  You won’t regret it!  Sure, you might have to live in a box and hitch-hike to work until the Suns win the championship in June, but just think how much money you’ll have!

Geez, why are the Suns’ odds so high?  The only thing I can think of is that maybe the oddsmakers think the Suns are gonna be as stupid as the Nuggets were last year and cut Yuta.  I’m sure if that happened, you could just ask your bookie for all your money back.  Bookies are real nice folks… I’m sure that’d be no problem.

And if untold riches wasn’t good enough, this news also means the triumphant return of…

 The Yuta Line!

Minutes Played	Shots Made/Att	3-pointers Made/Att	Free Throws Made/Att	Rebounds	Assists	Steals	Blocks	Turnovers	Fouls	Points
20.0	0/3	0/1	2/4	2	2	2	1	1	3	2

Have you been watching the Major League Baseball playoffs?  Are these long, four and five hour games altering your sleeping patterns?  Now when you try to go to sleep at your normal time, do you lie in bed for hours, making you cranky and irritable in the morning?

Well, I believe Dramamine Boy’s Xanga has just the thing to help you sleep!  That’s right boys and girls, it’s time for another…

Dram’s Bedtime Story Service

Tonight’s bedtime story is yet another classic.  Yes, it’s the original tale of that playful, happy-go-lucky bedtime pal…

Curious George was written in 1941 by H.A. Rey.  The story begins with a monkey named George playing in the African jungle amongst his other wild animal friends.  Some guy in a yellow straw hat sees Curious George and thinks he’d make a great pet.  So, he decides to capture him and take him home to America.  Apparently, animal smuggling wasn’t a very big deal in 1941.

While they’re on the boat back to America, the man tells Curious George that he’s gonna put him in a zoo, telling George, “You will like it there”.

Wait a minute.  This guy snatches Curious George from his home, ships him across the Atlantic and then he’s not even gonna care for him to make sure he’s happy?  He thinks George will have more fun being in a cage at a zoo than staying in Africa with his family and friends?  What kind of fun is Curious George gonna have in a cage!?!  YOU’RE STUNTING HIS CURIOUSITY!!

So, this lame-o in the yellow hat takes Curious George home and in the morning, calls the zoo to make arrangements to drop George off there.

Okay, I’m just not seeing any advantage that this guy had to capture a monkey.  My only guess is that zoos back then were giving complete strangers money to bring them animals.  Maybe zoos back in 1941 were filled with stray cats and dogs and rats that bums were capturing to make money?  If so, then I can understand that zoos would be paying big bucks if someone brought them a monkey or an elephant.

Anyway, the guy leaves the house, leaving a wild, untamed monkey alone in his home.

Good plan.

Curious George decides to use the phone as well and ends up calling the fire department.  The fire department shows up and sees no fire, only Curious George calling 1-900-HOT-BABE (he IS, after all, curious).  The firemen capture Curious George and take him to the place every wild, untamed, phone-calling monkey gets taken to… jail!?!  HUH!?!

Apparently, the jail is being run by Barney Fife, since he falls for the old “monkey climbs on window bars so jailer opens the door to get monkey off of the bars and jailer falls over, letting monkey run out the door” trick.  Man, I wish I had a dollar everytime someone used that cliche in a story.

So now you have a wild, untamed monkey running amok in the city.  Why this is a great idea for a kids story, I have no idea.  “But Dram”, you say, “monkeys are cute!”.

Hey, I don’t recall any instance where a wild (and probably rabid) monkey roaming loose on the streets was considered “cute”.  Didn’t anyone see Outbreak!?!  If you didn’t see the movie, some guy on a ship captures an African monkey and decides to take it home with him.  The monkey has a disease that kills the guy and then the virus spreads to a small town, threatening to kill everyone in the world until Rain Man shows up and invents a cure.

Yeah, definitely… definitely the monkey

Rain Man couldn’t have saved the world and gotten back home in time for Wapner without the efforts of Rod Tidwell, who apparently was an army helicopter pilot before playing football for the Arizona Cardinals.

SHOW ME THE MONKEY!

And another thing about Outbreak… who do those movie makers choose to be the one stupid enough to choose a wild, deadly, virus-ridden monkey as a pet?  One of the few asian guys in the whole frikkin’ movie, that’s who!  Doggone it… just another example of the man tryin’ to keep an asian monkey smuggler man down.

…

Okay, back to Curious George.

Curious George steals some balloons (great role model) and floats away until the wind stops blowing and George descends down into an intersection where the moron with the yellow hat happens to be.  Curious George is happy that he’s found his only friend in this new country and the guy is happy to see George so he can now sell him into animal prison.  The story ends with George at the zoo… behind bars.

The end.

Okay, that’s not the real pic of Curious George at the zoo.  The pic above is actually another pic of the jail.  BUT IT MIGHT AS WELL BE THE ZOO!  The actual last picture in the book shows a happy Curious George hangin’ out in a tree with a bunch of other ridiculously happy animals frolicking around him, all of which are holding balloons.

Yeah right.  Anybody that’s been to a zoo would know that’s the fakest picture of a zoo ever.  In a real zoo, all the animals are unhappy cuz they’re locked up in individual cages.  WITH NARY A BALLOON IN SIGHT!

And the moral of this story is… well heck, I’m not sure.  Don’t smuggle illegal animals into the country?  Don’t trust men in yellow hats?  My best guess is, “Don’t be so doggone curious or you could land in jail”.  Or worse, the zoo.

NOW GO TO BED!  OR I’M COMING IN THERE WITH MY BELT!

Congrats to pieyears, Dramamine Boy’s Xanga’s 25,000th visitor!  He is now the proud owner of Gmail!

Man… that was kinda too easy.  Just show up and win something.  I gotta make it harder next time.  Maybe the 50,000th visitor will have to navigate an obstacle course or provide feats of strength or at least “answer me these questions three”.

Anyway… woohoo!  Go pieyears for randomly showing up at the right time!

Coming in a close second was arnie_flangehead, who also claimed to be the 25,000th visitor.  However, we here at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga have learned our lesson from the 10,000th visitor fiasco and hired expert fact-checkers, who after three days of carefully examining his screenshot, determined that Arnie was not the 25,000th visitor.

Good thing, too, cuz if we had two winners again like last time, I was gonna have ‘em duke it out for the winner spot.

And speaking of “duking it out”, I’m gonna blog about something that has bothered me for a long time.  I thought about this while watching the Athens Olympics and-

*knock knock*

GO AWAY!  I’M NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT THE OLYMPICS!

Just makin’ sure.

GEEZ… anyway, I was wondering how some of these events are considered sports.  Rhythmic gymnastics!?!  Synchronized diving!?!  Mountain biking!?!  These are sports!?!  What the heck is and what isn’t a sport these days?  I checked with Merriam Webster Online and they define a sport as:

To engage in a sport

Gee… thanks for that awesome definition.  So, I read a little further and found an alternate meaning:

sexual play

HUH!?!  Since when?  Man, next time my buddies say, “Wanna go play some sports?”, I’m seriously gonna think twice.

So, I went to the Encyclopedia Brittanica website and found:

Recreational or competitive activities that involve a degree of physical strength or skill.

Now we’re talkin’.  But, it’s still pretty vague.  I mean, hopscotch is recreational and it can be pretty doggone competitive sometimes, so does that mean it’s a sport?  Are you tryin’ to tell me hopscotch and football are similar!?!  There’s gotta be a better way of defining what is and isn’t a sport.

And who better to answer that question than me!  Cuz I have like… qualifications and stuff.

After researching a multitude of games and activities, I’ve come up with the following rules for determining if you’re playing a sport:

Rule #1: Extreme physical exertion is a must - This rule points directly at those ESPN commercials about The World Series of Poker, calling poker a sport.  I beg to differ.  If you can drink beer or eat hot dogs while playing your “sport”, you’re not playing a sport.  If the most physical exertion in your “sport” is pushing a pile of poker chips while sitting at a table, you’re not playing a sport.  If you burn more calories celebrating than actually playing your “sport”, you’re not playing a sport. 

WOOHOO!  FULL HOU- OW!… I think I just threw out my back

Rule #2: You don’t look silly/stupid while playing - There are various levels of this in pretty much every sport, but there’s a difference between looking “sometimes silly” and “usually silly”.  Also, extreme silliness/stupidity immediately eliminates certain “sports” from further consideration.

THIS MEANS YOU, SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING!

Rule #3: There are no judges determining winners and losers - Let’s say you’re Canadian and you train your whole life to enter the highest level of competition for your “sport”.  You give your best performance ever, but the Russian judge decides to jack your chances of winning because he hates all Canadians cuz Kristin Kreuk didn’t answer his fan letter asking her to marry him.  If this can happen, then I must say that you’re not playing a sport.

This is a very important rule.  So important, that any “sports” that are scored by judges are thrown out.  This eliminates all gymnastics, diving, boxing (if there’s no knockout), cheerleading competitions (sorry Tiff!!), skateboarding, ice skating, ice dancing, ball room dancing, square dancing… heck, pretty much all dancing.

I know I just upset a whole bunch of people with this rule.  How about we call them “artistic competitions”?  Doesn’t that sound nicer anyway?

Rule #4: There’s a ball or puck or something to whack/carry/throw around - Pretty much every true sport has a ball or something like that involved.  But, it isn’t a sport just because a ball is involved.

Paper football… not a sport

Rule #5: In the course of normal play, opponents can inflict bodily damage on you - Now, I want to stress “normal play”.  For example, unless some psycho decides to start shooting competitors during an archery competition, opponents aren’t usually getting hurt.

ARROWED!

After compiling these rules, I’ve come up with a scoring system.  You get one point for each of the rules above that pertain to your “sport”.  I’ve determined that if an activity scores a 4 or 5, then congratulations, you’re playing a sport!  Anything less than a 4 is not, plain and simple.

Also, it would be good for some of the inventors of these psuedo-sports to see this list, so they can change their rules to make it more sports-worthy.  For example:

Spelling Bee?  Only rates a wimpy, non-sport “two”.

Full-Contact Spelling Bee?  That’s a sport-worthy “four”!

Got it?  Okay, on with the list!

TRUE SPORTS – 5 points
Baseball – 5
Football – 5
Basketball – 5
Hockey – 5
Soccer – 5
Volleyball – 5
Rollerball – 5 (When is this going to be a real sport!?!  I mean, with all the reality shows out there, there’s GOTTA be people desperate enough for attention to play rollerball!)
Rugby – 5
Australian Rules Football – 5
Dodgeball – 5
Women’s Softball – 5

SPORTS – 4 points
Men’s Softball – 4 (there’s no extreme physical exertion in men’s softball!)
Tennis – 4
Badminton – 4
Racketball/Handball – 4 (those goofy-looking goggles prevent a 5 rating)
Smear the Queer – 4
Auto Racing – 4
Boxing – 4 (disqualified if they have to go to the judge’s cards to determine a winner)
Slamball – 4
Polo – 4
Water Polo – 4
Running Man – 4 (like from the Arnold Schwartzenegger movie… not the dance move)
Lacrosse – 4
Calvinball – 4

ALMOST SPORTS – 3 points
Bowling – 3
Ping Pong – 3
Cricket – 3
Cycling – 3
Golf – 3 (subtract 1 if you wear loud shirts with plaid pants, add 1 if you’re really good at hitting other golfers with golf balls)
Team Handball – 3
Bobsled – 3
Sailing – 3
Roller Derby – 3
Running (100m dash, marathon, etc) – 3
Speed Skating – 3
Skiing – 3
Pool/billiards – 3
Tree Climbing Competition – 3
Wrestling (Sumo, Greco-Roman, Professional, Wrist, etc) – 3
Swimming – 3
Demolition Derby – 3
Tag – 3
Quarters – 3
Whiffleball – 3
Fencing – 3 (JUST FOR YOU, DLORDCLETUS!)

DEFINITE NON-SPORTS – 2 points
Curling – 2 (I’m sorry Canada, but if curling is a sport, then cleaning the kitchen is a sport.  Curling is one step away from shuffleboard and if old, retired people can play, it’s not a sport!… hey, that should be another rule)
Monster Truck Races – 2
Paintball – 2
Equestrian – 2
Jump rope – 2
Hackysack – 2
Luge – 2 (bobsled = you look cool… luge = you look silly… luge doubles = eliminated for extreme silliness)

WHO THOUGHT THIS UP!?!

Chess – 2
Paper Football – 2
American Gladiator game where you’re running around inside a big metal ball – 2
20km Walk – 2
Cat Juggling – 2
Thumb Wrestling – 2
MXC’s Sinkers and Floaters – 2
Cow Tipping – 2
Refrigerator Racing – 2
Obstacle Course from the Malibu Sands episode of Saved By The Bell – 2
Minesweeper – 2
Cross-country Tiddlywinks – 2 (upgraded to a 2 after further review by drphilmd)

SORRY EXCUSES FOR SPORTS – 1 point
Jan-Ken-Po – 1
That old Electric Football game where you spend 1/2 an hour lining up your players, but no matter how you line them up, they just end up running around in random circles when you turn on the electricity – 1

It may look cool… but it’s not

Tricycle Race from Revenge of the Nerds – 1
Any game from The Price is Right – 1
Fishing – 1
Horseshoes – 1
Pinball – 1
That game where you throw a frisbee and your dog goes to catch it – 1
Hot Dog Eating Contest – 1 (my apologies to Takeru Kobayashi!)
Chutes and Ladders and other board games – 1
Marco Polo – 1
Hopscotch – 1
That thing that Fonzie’s cousin on Happy Days did, catching quarters after balancing them on his forearm – 1
“Pull my finger” – 1
Pin the Tail on the Donkey – 1 (2 if you have really dumb kids that don’t pay attention when a blindfolded kid is walking around with a sharp metal object in his/her hand)

So there you have it.  If you have any questions on other “sports”, you can refer to the requirements I laid out above.

This has been a public service announcement from Dramamine Boy’s Xanga.

Dramamine Boy’s Xanga is approaching its 25,000th visitor!  You know what that means… time to give away more stuff! 

That’s right, Dramamine Boy’s Xanga has gone from a puny little spot on the internet that nobody visited to a puny little spot on the internet that 25,000 people have visited!  And who benefits from it?  You!

Or, at least one of you.  Could that “you” be “you”?  Or will it be some other “you”?  Regardless, that “you” sure as heck better not be me!  Well, the only way to find out is to follow these simple steps:

• Check the Site Meter counter down at the bottom of the page to see if you’re the 25,000th visitor


• If you are, take a screenshot of the counter and e-mail it to dramamineboy@gmail.com


• E-mail your Xanga name too… might be kinda important for me to know exactly who won

So, what do you win?  Well, in true Let’s Make A Deal fashion, the 25,000th visitor can choose from one of the three following prizes:

Behind Door #1 is…

A Gmail account!  Yep, that’s right, Dram has Gmail (as if you couldn’t figure that out from the e-mail address above)!  I got an invite by winning a sydney_chickie contest, where she gave the top cool contestants Gmail!  Oh sure, only something like six or seven people entered… and I came in last… and pretty much everyone that finished above me already had Gmail… but I have Gmail and that’s what counts!  And now you can, too!

Let’s see what’s behind Door #2…

Your very own Dramamine Boy rookie card!  Yep, these things actually exist!  Currently only one of these cards exist outside of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Headquarters.  That card is in the possession of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga’s 10,000th visitor, petitekiu!… unless she lost it or threw it away or something.

Since the back of the card commemorates Dramamine Boy’s Xanga’s 10,000th visitor, there will have to be some expert designing alterations made (read: I’ll have to get a pen and cross out “10,000″ and write in “25,000″).

Oooooorrrrr, you could choose what’s behind door number three!

A donkey!

Okay, not really a donkey.  But a super-cool surprise gift of unknown origin!

Unless I can pick up a donkey for cheap.

So check that counter and see if you’ve just won a prize!  And a big thanks to everyone for continuing to read Dramamine Boy’s Xanga!  If it wasn’t for you, well… then I’d be the only one reading this stuff.

Athens Olympics: Day 51

Yes, it’s officially the longest Olympics in the history of the modern Olympics!  Today’s Olympic highlights include more extensive drug testing being completed and Greek officials renting out the Olympic Stadium to Emma Anastasiou’s Sweet Sixteen party to help pay for all the unpaid Olympic bills.

It beats the heck out of me why NBC refuses to cover these events.

So sure, there’s no more Olympics on TV, but you’ve come to the right place, fellow Olympic fans!  Granted, it’s been awhile since the last Olympic update, but for good reason!  Dramamine Boy’s Xanga – The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics* has been hard at work generating this blog!  To show how dedicated this site is to the Olympic spirit, Dramamine Boy’s Xanga – The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics* is proud to present…

Dram’s Top 500 Thoughts About The Olympics!

500. Equestrian - Okay, why do these morons get medals?  The horses do all the work!  These guys get medals and glory that will last forever and the horses don’t get crap!  Why not give the horses something they could enjoy?  I say, instead of giving a bronze medal to the rider, the horse should get some horsey-treats or something.  Second place gets a couple of bags of oats and a massage.  And the winning horse gets to trample the rider or whoever was responsible for shipping the poor horse all the way to Greece just to jump over some frikkin’ obstacles!

499. The 20km Walk - What kind of a “sport” is this?  Twenty kilometers of walking!?!  I watched this event live… that sure was 90 minutes of riveting television, I tell ya.  These guys all look like they’re rushing through a mall looking for a bathroom.  As one participant moved into first place, the TV announcer said, “And he blows past the leader!”.  Dude, it’s walking!  Nobody “blows past” anything!  And what’s up with their bodies?  They all have these huge legs and the rest of their body weighs like 9 pounds.  There’s an anorexic joke in there somewhere… I just know it.

498. Yao Ming Spits On Interviewer - Did anyone else see this!?!  It was one of the best things EVER!  Yao pretty much spit right on-

*knock knock*

What the… uhhhh… come in?

Okay, that’s enough!

Um, who the heck are you?

I’m a representative from the ATB, the Agency for Timely Blogs.  We’re pulling the plug on this blog.

Pulling the plug!?!  What for?

The subject matter of this blog is horribly out-dated.  The ATB monitors blogs around the world and eliminates those that try to talk about things that are deemed irrelevant.  The Olympics are no longer in the public eye and blogging about it will only make people roll their eyes and leave.

But… but… there’s gotta be SOMEONE out there that wants to hear my thoughts about how silly of a sport Team Handball is!

No, there’s not.

But it looks like a school recess game gone horribly wrong!  I just know this ”sport” was invented by some 5th grade teacher in Lincoln, Nebraska!  And they turned it into a worldwide Olympic event!  Don’tcha see?  People like to hear about stuff like that!

Maybe a month ago they did, but now, they’ve totally forgotten what Team Handball looks like.  And it’s not like they’re able to turn on their TV to find out.

Sigh… whatever, man.  So what, is that the only thing I can’t make fun of?

Oh heavens no.  There’s a multitude of subjects that are currently out-of-fashion.

Like what?

Like Gervaise from the first Survivor.  The Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction.  Pogs.  I could go on and on.

Oh, I get it.  So, stuff like Gigli and Michael Jackson, too?

Actually, just when it’s time for him to be an out-of-date subject, Mr. Jackson does something new which opens him up to an entirely new set of jokes.  He’s pretty much entered “perpetual ridicule” territory.

Wait a minute… why didn’t you guys show up for all my other ancient-subject blogs, like my Shazam/Isis blog?

Because there’s a time limit on these out-of-date subjects.  After a certain amount of time, subjects become part of nostalgia and you can once again blog about them.

So wait… does that mean I can blog about the Athens Olympics again someday?

Yep.

Sweet!!  When?

February 17, 2012.

2012!?!

Look pal, the Olympics ended over a month ago.  Nobody cares!  Get over it and move on!

But that’s why I’m here!  To spread that feel-good vibe that each person gets about their country during the Olympics!  Shouldn’t everyone feel that way all the time?  I feel like it’s my duty to keep that spirit alive!  After all, this is The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics!*

Oh yeah, about that “official” thing.

What about it?

There’s a Cease and Desist order coming your way.

Man, this sucks.  Everyone here at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga put a lot of time on this Top 500 list.  Heck, there was a lot of work done just on that banner up at the top there.  Can I at least kee-

No.

Doggone it.

So, I guess that’s the end of the Olympic blogs here at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga… until 2008!!  Cuz that’s when Dramamine Boy’s Xanga will be the Official Xanga Blog of the Beijing Oly-

Think again, pal.

Dram the Prophet said: I’m putting my money down on Spain when the US plays them tomorrow.

See… this is why I have no money.  Hey, I was only one game off!  Don’t I get 1/2 credit for that!?!  And I did say a week ago that the USA basketball team was gonna get killed by Argentina if they play them!  Too bad there was only one customer in the store at the time… who probably forgot I said it… nor did I bet any money on that prediction.

Anyway, you’re not here to see me look stupid (I hope), you’re here to read about…

ATHENS OLYMPICS: DAY 16

Sure, the Olympics are over… BUT NOT ON DRAMAMINE BOY’S XANGA, THE OFFICIAL XANGA BLOG OF THE ATHENS OLYMPICS!*  Heck, there could be another couple of months of Olympic blogs still to come!  Why?  Because it’s the duty of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga, The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics* to carry on and spread the spirit of the Olympics!  Because it’s to give YOU, the Olympic fans, more in-depth coverage of the Athens Olympics that those bozos on TV are too scared to broadcast!

But mainly it’s cuz I’m lazy and it takes forever to finish one of these blogs.

There’s been a lot of controversy at these Olympic Games.  From drug testing, to questionable scoring by judges, to crazy people tackling athletes, I’m sure everyone has a lot of questions about these events.  As the Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics*, I believe you deserve answers to some of the tough questions that have emerged from these Olympic games.  Now, Dramamine Boy’s Xanga – The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics* will attempt to answer the one question that is on everyone’s minds…

 

 

Out of all of the mascots in Olympic history, which one would win in a fight?

Before we answer that question, let’s take a look at this year’s Olympic mascots, Athina and Phevos:

This is Athina and Phevos.  They are the official mascots of the Athens Olympics.  They are named after the Greek gods Athena and Apollo.  They are sister and brother.  They represent the values of the Olympic Games.  Participation.  Brotherhood.  Equality.  Cooperation.  Fair play.  They also look like crap.

I mean, look at them!  They’re laboratory beakers with feet!  I could draw better mascots than that!

Okay… maybe not.  But anybody else could, I’m sure!

So, I went on the internet (which everyone knows, is the source of everything true) to track down exactly who came up with these monstrosities.  The mascots were created by Phillipos Papadopolous, a 12-year old kid with cerebal palsy.  Stricken without the use of his arms, he creates his art by drawing with his feet.  Olympic organizers became aware of the story of the 12-year old Greek artist, so they contacted Phillipos’ family and Olympic mascots Athina and Phevos were created.

Sorta makes ya think twice about ridiculing these two mascots now, doesn’t it?  Well, I made that story up.  The truth is that the Greek Olympic organizers paid an agency some ungodly amount of money and those two goofballs are what they came up with.  The ridiculing can now re-commence without guilt.

Anyway, Dramamine Boy’s Xanga – The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics* is proud to present:

The Battle of the Olympic Mascots

The battle will be done in an eight-mascot bracket, with the winners advancing towards an eventual Master of Olympic Mascots.  Here’s a list of the participants:

1972 Munich – Waldi the Dachshund
1976 Montreal – Amik the Beaver
1980 Moscow – Misha the Russian Bear
1984 Los Angeles – Sam the Eagle
1988 Seoul – Hodori the Tiger
1992 Barcelona – Cobi the Dog
1996 Atlanta – Izzy the big piece of crap
2000 Sydney – Olly the Kookaburra, Syd the Platypus and Millie the Echidna
2004 Athens – Athina and Phevos the wildly out-of-proportioned people

Yeah, yeah, I know there’s nine mascots, but I’m eliminating Amik the Beaver.  I mean, look at this thing:

Not only does it have limited fighting abilities, but with that stripe across its body, Amik looks like road kill.  So, Amik has to go.  Hey, don’t blame me, Canada!  It’s not my fault that after all the campaigning and bribing to get the Olympic Games, the Canadian organizers appointed a flat, dead beaver as their official mascot!

Okay, the pairings for round one would be the oldest mascot vs. the newest, 2nd oldest vs. 2nd newest, etc.

And now… for the tens of people in attendance… and the hundreds reading at home…

ROUND ONE

The bell rings, Phevos runs up to Waldi and before Waldi can let out a bark as menacing as a rainbow-colored dog can muster, he crushes Waldi with his humongous feet.  Game over.

A rather poor showing by Waldi, I must say.
WINNER – Athina and Phevos

 

Geez, how unfair is this?  Three on one?  Especially when the trio have land, air and sea battles covered!  Don’t they have ANY concept of fair play “Down Under”!?!  We should have a wrestling ring set up so they can only attack one at a time.  But since this isn’t wrestling, tough crap for Misha, the Teddy Ruxpin rip-off.

While the bear is one of the world’s fiercest animals, Misha is no match for a triple team.  Even in Misha’s one moment of glory - crushing Millie with a single, savage blow - the spines eminating from Millie’s shattered body inbed into Misha’s paw, rendering it unusable.  It’s all downhill from there for Misha.
WINNER – Olly, Syd and the flat Millie

 

It’s the battle of the American mascots!  Wessssside vs. Eassssside!  Sam, the stupidly-clad eagle vs. Izzy, the stupidly-stupid nightmare of a mascot.  I mean come on, what drugs were involved when they came up with this thing?  And what insane amount of money did this person get for walking around like this?

And what about Sam?  Who puts hats on birds anyway?  Especially top hats?  They’re totally non-aerodynamic.  Due to this fact, that hat renders Sam unable to fly.  While I would love to see Izzy get the crap pecked out of it, Izzy has too many weapons available and will break out a tennis racket or a hockey stick and smack around an earth-bound Sam before he could get close enough to set Izzy on fire with his torch.
WINNER – Izzy

 

What the heck is Cobi is doing?  At first, I thought he was flippin’ people off or doing some obscene Barcelona gesture.  Then, I figured he was sniffing glue or something.  I mean, whatever he’s sniffin’, it’s making his hair stand straight up in the air!  But upon closer inspection, my hypothesis was rendered incorrect, since his frikkin’ nose is waaay over to the right for some reason.  So, I’m goin’ with the obscene gesture idea until someone tells me different.

Anyway, while I think Cobi is the coolest mascot out of all the Olympic mascots, cool doesn’t defeat a rampaging tiger, with or without a goofy ribbon tied to its hat.
WINNER – Hodori

 

ROUND TWO

2 vs. 2, the odds are even!  Once again, a smaller, easily stepped-on mascot is no match for the Bozo the Clown-feet of Athina and Phevos.  Athina does the honors this time on Syd.  While Olly is able to fly around and peck Phevos’ eyes out, the advantage of flight is nullified when Phevos falls to the ground in pain with Olly still pecking away at his face.  Athina walks over and smooshes Olly (and a good deal of Phevos’ face as well).
WINNER – Athina and a blind, flat-faced Phevos

 

This is where Izzy gets his… uh, hers… um… it.  Apparently, one of Izzy’s gifts is the ability to morph into anything at the drop of a hat.  Now normally, this would be a fantastic advantage in a fight against a ribbon-wielding tiger.  But you see, Izzy is a moron.  I mean, look at it.  If ever there’s a prime example of the “lights are on but nobody’s home” look, Izzy’s got it.  Izzy’s strategy to morph into a huge tiger-treat amazingly backfires.
WINNER – Hodori

 

CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND

Hodori	vs.	Athina and blind Phevos

Here’s where the lack of regular-length arms hurt Athina and Phevos.  While their feet spell doom for anyone venturing near them, their short arms make it impossible for them to shield their faces or genitals against an attacking tiger.  While Phevos staggers around, blindly stomping at air, Hodori takes care of Athina.  That leaves a blind, flat-faced, big-footed, no-defense Phevos vs. a tiger.  Incredibly, Phevos pulls off a stupendous upset, taking a page from Jean-Claude Van Damme in Bloodsport and defeating Hodori with an expertly-placed blind headbutt!

Yeah right, as if!  Come on, anyone that’s been reading Dramamine Boy’s Xanga knew from the start that the asian mascot was gonna win this!  Phevos gets the crap kicked out of him.

YOUR WINNER AND OLYMPIC MASCOT CHAMPION… HODORI!

So, mark it down on your calendar, boys and girls, cuz The Battle of the Winter Olympic Mascots is less than two years away!  Personally, I can’t wait, cuz I’m already predicting that Magique the Snow Imp is so gonna get its butt kicked.

Athens Olympics: Day 12

Hmmmm… maybe now would be a good time to start talking about the Olympics.

Now, I’m gonna break up my thoughts into a few blogs cuz I don’t want to jam twelve whole days of Olympic events into one blog… that would be too much fun for one blog to handle! (read: I barely have three events worth of stuff written up to post as it is)

Men’s Gymnastics

Paul Hamm becomes the first American to win the men’s all-around gold medal, beating his two Korean competitors by the closest margin in the history of the Olympics.  But, it’s discovered that the judges shorted bronze medalist Yang Tae Yong a tenth of a point on his parallel bar routine, which would’ve given him the gold.  Officials pretty much say, “tough luck, loser”.  So, the officials botch the scoring, admit their mistake and who gets the shaft!?!

Of course… the asian guy.

Hamm counters that Yang Tae Yong’s parallel bar routine also contained a two-tenths of a point deduction that wasn’t recorded.  So, if they add the one-tenth onto Yang Tae Yong’s score, the International Gymnastics Federation should also deduct two-tenths and Hamm wins anyway.

Well, if we want to get all technical and stuff, let’s look at Hamm’s performance on the vault, shall we?  He totally scrubs on his vault attempt…

 

and he STILL scores a 9.137!?!  See, this is what I was talkin’ about in my last Olympics blog about how gymnasts get scores in the 8-9 range no matter how bad they do.  Okay, if it’s two-tenths of a point deduction if you step outside the white line on the mat and five-tenths if you step off the mat, shouldn’t it be like a 1.5 point deduction if you wipe out on the scorer’s table!?!  I mean, if I’m a judge and a gymnast messes up so bad that he almost kills me, I’m gonna start exploring the concept of negative scoring.  Sure, my -2.175 would probably get thrown out, but I believe narrowly escaping death would justify my score.

So Mr. Hamm, if you’re gettin’ all whiny about how everyone seems to be against you and how unrecorded mistakes by the Korean gymnast would’ve netted you the gold anyway, just recall what score you got on the vault, shut up AND BE HAPPY YOU WON!

Speaking of crappy judges, let’s fast forward to the finals of the men’s high bar routine.

Alexei Nemov of Russia does one of the most memorable routines in high bar history.  It was a routine that could only be done previously on Super Nintendo Olympics or something.  He spent more time flying through the air than holding onto the bar.  The 800 million people watching on TV and the entire crowd in attendance felt that they’ve seen something special and the judges gave Nemov a score of 9.725, which was good for… THIRD OUT OF THE THREE GYMNASTS THAT COMPETED UP TO THAT TIME!?!

So, the crowd booed… really loud… for a really long time.  They booed so much, that the judges decided they messed up and increased Nemov’s score to a 9.768, which was good for… THIRD OUT OF THE THREE GYMNASTS THAT COMPETED UP TO THAT TIME!?!

Now, I don’t know much about gymnastics and I don’t care.  But, if 800 million people think they’ve seen a gold medal performance and 5 “gymnastics experts” put him in last place, then gymnastics is dumb.

Women’s Gymnastics

As The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics*, I get exclusive access to a lot of stuff non-official people don’t get.  So, for all you Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics* readers, here’s an excerpt from Carly Patterson’s diary…

August 19, 2004
Dear Diary,

 

Wait a minute.  What the heck is up with Carly’s eyebrows?  She has like… right angles for eyebrows.  They go straight up her face, then they suddenly make a 90 degree turn and continue over her eyes.  It looks like a Blue Angels manuever or something.

Okay, okay… back to the diary…

August 19, 2004
Dear Diary,

OMG, I LIKE SO WON THE OLYMPICS!  I’m like sooooo happy and they like gave me a olive wreath and a gold medal that I can like so sell on eBay.  But everything wasn’t perfect.  Like, when I finished my final event, my coach like hugged me and like so wouldn’t let me go.  Everyone was like so clapping and yelling and stuff, but I couldn’t even tell if I won was cuz my coach was still hugging me.  He said, “You won!”, so I was like, “It woulda been nice to find that out for myself, you meanie!”.  After a couple of minutes, he finally lets me go, so I like hug some of my teammates and the losers other competitors, but when the cameras came by again, OMG my coach like so runs over to me and picks me up and like puts me on his shoulders!

GET OUT OF MY SPOTLIGHT, YOU CHRISTOPHER WALKEN-LOOKING GLORY HOG!

I’m like so gonna fire him.  Some executives came by and said they’re like gonna put me on a Wheaties box, but I’m like holding out for the Lucky Charms people.  I would so like to catch that leprechaun and get some REAL gold!

Love and kisses!
Carly

Men’s Basketball

 

So, the vaunted USA basketball team with all its NBA stars has lost to Puerto Rico and Lithuania, which combined are slightly smaller than the size of South Carolina.  And I say… GOOD!  It’s good to see teams that use solid teamwork and fundamental basketball can still beat athletically superior teams.  And I’m putting my money down on Spain when the US plays them tomorrow.

And with the performance of the men’s team, I think it’s a perfect time for the first installment of…

Coach Dram’s Corner

Now, as some of you know out there, I coach basketball in a church league.  While the teams I’ve coached have done well over the last few years, there’s also been many years that we’ve done rather poorly. Now, I don’t want to go into much detail, seeing how some of the former players I coach have Xanga and would no longer be able to lie to people about how good they were if I named names.

Anyway, at the end of the year, we have an appreciation dinner and the coaches have to get up and make a speech about the team and the season.  I usually try to mix some humor in with my speech (as if that would come as a shock to anyone that’s read Dramamine Boy’s Xanga) and I’ve found that it’s much easier to be funny when you’ve gone through a terrible season than a successful one.  I mean, when you’re terrible, you just have to look back at what happened during the season and the jokes just write themselves.

One year, we went like 1-9 or something like that and came in dead last.  So for my speech, I decided to make a top ten list.  I was sorting through some papers the other day and came across the top ten list I wrote for my speech.  USA basketball coach Larry Brown might wanna check this out and use some of these excuses for later.  Here for you now, are…

The Top Ten Reasons Why We Finished 1-9

10.	Players thought “run the play” was just a suggestion, not something that actually had to be done.
9.	Didn’t do well in the regular season because we were saving it up for the tournaments.
8.	Didn’t do well in the tournaments because we were burned out from the regular season.
7.	Individual practice during the week consisted of playing five hours of NBA Jam.
6.	Team performance always seemed to peak during snack time after the game.
5.	Didn’t want to show up the C-1 team (another team from our organization that we had to play during the season) by having a better record than them.
4.	Didn’t want to show up ANYONE by having a better record than them.
3.	During timeouts, instead of drawing up a play, the coach was busy working on dumb top ten list for the appreciation dinner.
2.	Spending three practices working on the “bucket of confetti” trick was probably a bad idea.
1.	Turnovers are just our way of showing our generosity.

There will be more installments of Coach Dram’s Corner in the future, but the next blog will be another Olympics update from Dramamine Boy’s Xanga – The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics!* coming soon!

 

 

 

No, really… soon!

 

Why is everyone looking at me like that?