The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 8

Today’s image on the Dram calendar is dedicated to sydney_chickie for her kind shout-out advertising The Twelve Days of Dram!  It’s a blue moon… YES, I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE A MARBLE!  But it really is a blue moon… it makes more sense if you click on her site, so go there!

Okay… go blog!

In the history of television, there have been programs that have transcended the mundane and have reached iconic status.  The Ed Sullivan Show… M*A*S*H… and of course, Cop Rock.  But, perhaps the greatest television show of them all was…

That’s right, Speed Racer.  That peppy little cartoon from Japan that stole the hearts of kids nationwide.  Each week, we were entertained with the exploits of Mr. Speed Racer and his family.  What kind of parents would name their kid “Speed”, you ask?  Why, parents that are named “Pops” and “Mom”, that’s who!

The entire Racer family… complete with pet and clingy girlfriend

Why would you name your kid “Pops”?  And how ironic was it for him to find a wife named “Mom”?  I’m sure the odds have got to be astronomical, even for the 1960s.  How much do you think they got picked on at school with names like that?

Anyway… back to the show.

Each episode, we’d be sitting on the edge of our seats, wondering if Speed would pull off the miracle finish to win the race.  Why we found the races so suspenseful, I have no idea.  I mean, first off, the name of the show was Speed Racer… that’s gotta clue you in to who was gonna win from week to week.  You don’t go to a Harlem Globetrotters game and expect the Washington Generals to kick the crap out of Curly and Meadowlark and company, do you?

Not only that, but Speed was driving the car with the best engine and the best suspension and had mountain tires and saws and a jack that makes the car jump and it can turn into a submarine… HOW COULD HE NOT WIN!?!

How come I can’t buy a car that has stuff like that?  Why can’t I go to the car dealership and say, “I’d like to add air conditioning, the heavier suspension and two big saws that pop out of the front”?  I mean, just think how much easier would rush hour traffic be if you had those things!

With these puppies attached, you’ll be BEGGING people to cut you off on the freeways

Speed wasn’t the only guy out on the track with sharp objects, however.  The bad guys would have spikes coming out of their wheels to slash their opponent’s tires and tacks coming out of the back of their cars.  I know it was the ’60s, but didn’t they have rules back then?  If that was the case, when the announcer says, “Start your engines!”, why didn’t the racers just start lobbing grenades at each other?  Am I the only one thinking stuff like this up?

I got another question… why does Speed have a “G” on his shirt?  Sparky has a “S” on his shirt, which stands for “Sparky”.  Are we to assume that “G” apparently stands for “Speed”?  Way to totally confuse the kids out there.  I wonder how many kids were participating in their first spelling bee and…

Teacher: “Spell… speed.”

Student: “G…”

Teacher: “Off to Special Ed class with you, kid.”

We also have Racer X on the show.  Did you know that Racer X was secretly Speed’s older brother Rex Racer, who ran away from home?  NO DUH!  Not only did the producers decide to tell you that fact every time he showed up, but he’s got the same frikkin’ M on his shirt that’s painted on the Mach 5!  Shouldn’t that clue anyone in!?!

Also, why is Speed always broke?  Every week, he’s complaining about how he has to win the race so he could raise money for the trip to the next race or something.  Why didn’t he do like all the other racers do now and have a sponsor?  Ya gotta figure that if he was winning every race, sponsors would be lining up to put their stickers on his car! 

Not only would Speed have enough money, but he’d have a happy Trixie as well

You don’t hear Kevin Harvick saying, “Well gosh I really wish I could win this race so I could make enough money to help Pops build a new engine for the Mach 5 and that would be groovy!”

And that’s another thing.  Everyone on this show talked in one big run-on sentence.  It was like they were all on PCP or something.  For example,

“That’s Spritle Sparky and Chimm-Chimm down there I wonder what happened to Speed I think something might be wrong I better go down there and see if they’re okay hmmmm”.

What an ingenious idea.  Just think how much extra information they were able to fit in each episode when everyone gave their dialogs in one big breath, having no regard for any laws of punctuation whatsoever… why, it’s just like reading a typical Xanga blog!

And… um… I guess that’s it.  I really don’t have an ending for this blog and it’s after 3:30am, so I’ll end this blog by saying…

“I don’t have an ending for this blog”

The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 7

NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo…

---

Update: *munching on sympathy bon-bons from da_cheese_gurl*  Mmmmm… what was I so worked up about again?

OH YEAH!  YUTA!  Doggone those Phoenix Suns!  What are they thinking!?!  “Oh, we have the best team in the league right now… let’s change things!”  No wonder these bozos haven’t won a world championship yet!

And yes, I know it’s not his fault, but Jackson Vroman, the guy that replaced Yuta on the roster, shall now be referred to as “The Anti-Yuta”.

So, until some team wises up and gives Yuta a job, we present the final rendition of…

 The Yuta (unemployment) Line!

Games Played	Suns Record When Yuta Plays	NBA Teams Played For/Cut From	Dumb Teams Played For/Cut From	Lockers Cleaned Out	Current Japanese Players in NBA	Suns Games Dram Will Watch	Yuta Jersey Orders Canceled	Vroman Voodoo Dolls Created
4	4-0	2/2	2/2	1	0	0	42,326	1

Ah crap… I ran out of bon-bons.

The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 6

As I’ve stated before, I really don’t get into these online quizzes.  Until someone makes a scientifically correct quiz (like this really, really accurate one right here), I’m just not interested in wasting time answering all those questions just to get some bogus result.

Lately, there’s been a lot of quizzes where all you have to do is type your name in and it gives you a result… sort of like a window into your personality.  I’m not sure how these things can be considered a “quiz”… I guess you fail if you can’t remember your name?

I’ve avoided these things anyway just on principle, but I saw this one on a lot of Xanga sites awhile ago (okay… a LONG while ago) and decided to try it out…

How to make a Dramamine Boy

Ingredients: 1 part jealousy 5 parts brilliance 3 parts energy

Method: Layer ingredients in a shot glass. Add caring to taste! Do not overindulge!

WHAT THE HECK!?! 1 PART JEALOUSY!?! See, this is why I hate these quiz thingys! They’re so doggone inaccurate!

GRRRR! I HATE PEOPLE THAT DIDN’T GET JEALOUSY ON THEIR QUIZ!!

On the fifth day of Dra-am, my true-love gave to me… five Dram da M.CCCCCCCCCCCCCs!

The Twelve Days of Dram – Day Five

Ever since Dramamine Boy’s Xanga debuted, there’s been one question that has remained unanswered.  One question that is on the minds of not only every Dramamine Boy’s Xanga staff member, but also on the minds of all of the readers out there.  And that question is…

How can Dram make money doing this?

Years have passed (I missed my 2nd Xangaversary on the 10th, BTW ) and the answer to this question has remained elusive.  I even hired some professional experts to help:

But alas, even the Underpants Gnomes could not provide me with a solution… UNTIL TODAY!  That’s right, just in time for the holidays, it’s…

The Dramamine Boy’s Xanga CafePress site!

They’re perfect gifts for the person who has everything!  Actually, they’re also perfect gifts for the people who have some stuff and the people that have nothing (I don’t discriminate)!  There’s stuff here for everyone!  Need a baby gift?

The Dramamine Boy Teddy Bear is your solution!  Got a golfer to buy for?

Who WOULDN’T want a Dramamine Boy Golf Shirt!?!  Are you finding it hard to buy something for grandma?

Just imagine the joy on her face when she’s chillin’ in her Dram da MC t-shirt while sippin’ a wine cooler from her very own Dram da MC mug!  And you better hurry!  Cuz as soon as word gets out, you’re gonna see Flava Flav with THIS around his neck!

Yes, it’s the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Stupid Hat Clock!

There’s eighteen different items on the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga CafePress site!  That’s like… one thing for every day of the month!  If, you know, it was February… and you don’t count the time that you’re asleep… and weekends.

The Dramamine Boy’s Xanga CafePress site has already encountered a few small problems, however.  First, none of the products can have anything to do with Xanga.  As far as I can figure after reading the Xanga Terms of Use, I can’t use the Xanga logo nor can I mention the name “Xanga”.  I don’t think I can put “Dramamine Boy’s Xanga” or even “xanga.com/dramamineboy” on anything either.  So, that kind of limits what I can do.

So, let’s run down the really cool things that you CAN’T buy.  For example, I can’t make a “Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Seal of Approval” pin.

I also can’t put the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga banner picture on any products cuz “Xanga” appears in it. 

No Dramamine Boy’s Xanga totebag… bummer.

And due to those pesky copyright laws, I can’t do anything with the following Dramamine Boy’s Xanga pictures:

No Star-Matrix movie poster!

No The Last Samurai BBQ Chef’s Apron!

No Yoda the Goalie Thong!

And another thing… I only make like $1.00 or $2.00 on every product sold!  Oh sure, that’s double what I was making while playing Bejeweled, but still!  So, I decided to make a product that has just a tad more profit margin.  And what a coincidence, it’s also my favorite item!

The Official Dramamine Boy Sticker!

Suggested retail price* $2999.99
Now only $99.99!

* Price suggestion from the O.M.D.M.O.C.P. (Organization to Make Dram Money by Over-Charging for Products)

Nothing says “I love Dram” more than purchasing something that has a 3915% markup!  Stupid CafePress won’t let me charge more than $99.99 on any product… doggone communists!  They’re stunting my financial well-being!

So yeah, the products that CafePress makes are rather limiting.  I mean, how are you gonna get rich selling buttons and shirts!?!  I can’t even sell the Ultra-Amazing Dust Collector!  So, I sent a request to CafePress to add the following products to their catalog so I can make some REAL money!

The Dramamine Boy’s Xanga M134 Mini-Gun!

Comes with the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga’s Seal of Approval!  Yes, this baby fires an impressive 4000 rounds of 7.62mm ammunition per minute!  The perfect solution for slave-driving bosses, gossipy friends and noisy dogs!  And if you happen to miss your target 4000 times, no problem!  Just fire off a few rockets from the accompanying M158 70mm rocket launcher and blow your worries away!*

*rockets sold separately

But wait, there’s more!  Buy now and we’ll throw in a box of ammo for free!

All for the low, low price of $425,000.00!

Dram Force One!

Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Approved!  Just think how impressed your friends will be when you show up to your prom in your very own airplane!  This Boeing 747 VC-25 comes with a secure, top-of-the-line communications system, a sophisticated anti-missile defense system and serves twelve different brands of root beer!

Price: $4,200,000,000.00

But until that happens, I guess I’ll have to settle for selling a few hundred rectangular stickers.

So go now and BUY, BUY, BUY (especially the stickers)!  Not only will you be helping me make money, but you’ll also be… well… you’ll just be helping me make money.

The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 4

Welcome to another installment of…

Coach Dram’s Corner

 

Those that have been paying attention around here know that I’ve been coaching basketball in an asian league for a number of years.  Looking back, there have been a number of “noteworthy” events, one of which I will share today.

I don’t recall the year that this happened or even the players on the team, but I do remember that I was coaching junior high-level kids and our team wasn’t very good.  I also recall that for the first time ever, a couple of my friends showed up to watch the game.  We were gonna go eat dinner afterwards, so I asked them to meet me at the gym.  They showed up with a couple of minutes left in the game.

The game was close the whole way through and in the last seconds, we were hanging on to a one-point lead.  The other team had the ball, missed a couple of shots and the ball bounced out of bounds… it’s our ball with one second left!

Now, all we needed to do was to inbounds the ball without the other team stealing it.  Since our team wasn’t very good, I decided to use our last time-out to set up an inbounds play, juuuuuuuust to make sure.

So, I drew up the following play:

As you can see, it is a phenomenal play.  I’m sure the Lakers will be knocking on my door soon after reading this blog, offering me their head coaching job.

Let me explain the play… there are five players: M, S, L, D and E.  The letters correspond to the player’s names (although since I don’t remember who was playing when this happened, I just made up five names).  S is to screen for L, who streaks down-court.  S then rolls towards M.  D is to fake a screen and then streak down-court also.  E fakes like he’s gonna use the screen and then flares out to the corner.  The play is designed to throw the ball down-court, with one of our guys either catching or touching it… it doesn’t matter.  Once someone touches the ball in-bounds, the clock starts and even if the other team steals the ball, they would have no time to call a time-out or advance the ball up-court.  They would have to make a 1/2 court shot to win.

See?  Genius!

We break the huddle and I look down to erase my board.  I turn to our bench to put my board on the floor and see two of my players sitting on the bench.  While this would be a normal thing in many cases, there was one small problem in this situation.

We have eight players on our team.

Before I can even look around to see where the third person is, my assistant coach says, “We got six guys on the court!”.

For those that aren’t familiar with basketball, you’re only allowed five players on the court.  If you have six players, the referees call a technical foul and the other team gets two free throws AND gets the ball.  I just went into a cold sweat.

I turn around just in time to see the ref give the ball to M.  We have no time-outs left, so I can’t solve our dilemma that way.  My mind is racing with possible solutions… run out on the court and carry one of our players off the court?  Call in a bomb threat?  Take out a tranquilizer gun and shoot both of the refs?  I never felt so helpless in my life.  We’re about to lose this game solely because one of our players wasn’t paying attention.  I sure hope his parents aren’t too fond of him, cuz I’m gonna make him run drills until he’s 40.

There’s a lot of noise from the crowd, noise from our bench yelling at one of the guys to step off the court and noise from the opponent’s bench yelling that there’s six guys on the court.  Somehow, the refs never noticed, we inbounded the ball and the game ends.  The other coach bolts onto the court, yelling that we had six players on the court.  The refs look around, but by that point, there’s all sorts of players on the court, not only our two teams, but the next two teams that were going to play the following game.  The refs shrug and walk away.  We win!

I meet up with my friends and the first thing they say is, “What the heck was that!?!  You called a time out with one second left and then you put six guys out on the court!?!”  Sure, the ONLY TIME they ever show up to one of my games and something stupid like that happens.

To this day, when my friends ask how my team is doing or whether we won or lost… there will also be some variation of “How many players did it take you guys this time?” or “What did you do this time, use the bucket of confetti trick?” or “I don’t think any other coaches have that play in their playbook!”.  Yes, my friends will truly not let anything like this die.

Doggone my friends.

The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 3!

 

What we REALLY need translated

---

That’s right, people… he’s back!  After an extended stay on the injured list, Yuta Tabuse has been re-activated by the Phoenix Suns just in time to humiliate yet another opponent!  How are the Suns doing so far?  Why don’t we take a look, shall we?

FIRST PLACE, BABY!  And not only first place, but the Suns currently have the best record in the NBA!  I sure hope you all put all your money down on the Suns like I told you to!  Wondering what the current odds are for the Suns to win the NBA championship?  As you recall, before the season, the odds were 50/1.  Now?

12/1!  There’s still time!  Cash in that eBay stock!  Sell the family heirlooms!  Throw every penny you got on the Suns, so in June, you’ll all be yelling…

---

 The Yuta Line!

Minutes Played	Shots Made/Att	3-pointers Made/Att	Free Throws Made/Att	Rebounds	Assists	Steals	Blocks	Turnovers	Fouls	Points
2.0	0/2	0/0	0/0	2	0	0	0	0	0	0

The Twelve Days of Dram! – Day 2

Okay, you know how I talked about being upset when I get the wrong food?  Well…

The other day, I decided to drive over to Taco Bell for some food.  More specifically, a couple of their spicy chicken burritos.

Now, when they first introduced the spicy chicken burrito last year, I felt that I had discovered my favorite Taco Bell food ever.  It was spicy… it was chickeny… and most important of all, it had no beans.  I don’t like refried beans, much less the refried bean paste that’s spread on Taco Bell products.  So, imagine my horror when I went to Taco Bell one day and discovered that they discontinued the spicy chicken burrito.  It went something like this…

“NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo…”

First the gordita and now this!  So, when I heard that they brought back the spicy chicken burrito a couple of months ago, I felt it was my duty to buy as many spicy chicken burritos as humanly possible to ensure that they’ll stay around forever.*

*Total number of spicy chicken burritos bought in the last couple of months… about 8.  I’m not sure I’m doing everything humanly possible.

I drive up to the talking menu and…

Taco Bell Moron: <—-foreshadowing! “Welcome to Taco Bell, may I take your order?”

Okay, first, I’d like to add a little note about Taco Bell.  You know that commercial where the guy walks into Taco Bell with his girlfriend/wife and makes sure that they don’t make the Zesty Chicken Border Bowl until he orders it?  Then, he says,

“I’d like a Zesty Chicken Border Bo-”
“A Zesty Chickennnnnn…”
“A Zesty Chick-!”

and the guy behind the counter keeps having to stop in his tracks until the guy actually finishes ordering the Zesty Chicken Border Bowl?  Well, my advice is, don’t do this in real life.  I’d have to say that doing this will greatly increase the possibility that some teenage Taco Bell employee will spit in your Zesty Chicken Border Bowl.

Okay, back to my ordeal…

Me: “I’d like two spicy chicken burritos, an order of nachos and a medium Coke.”

TBM: *long pause* “That’s… two spicy bean burritos?”

Me: “No, that’s two SPICY. CHICKEN. BURRITOS.”

TBM: *pause* “And you said something about a drink?”

Me: “A medium Coke.” *thinking that this guy is pretty dense, so…* “And an order of nachos!”

TBM: “Your total is $5.80, please drive up to the window.”

I drive up, I pay, he gives me my food and walks away.  I check my bag and there’s no nachos.  I look for the receipt and it’s not in the bag. Now, anyone that’s been to a Taco Bell drive-thru knows that they have this thick acrylic box-thing to pass the money and food between cashier and customer.  It looks like something that was part of Superman’s Fortress of Solitude at the North Pole.

HELLO!?!  Do you still have chalupas!?!

So, it’s a little difficult to converse with the cashier.  I wave at the cashier and he comes back to the acrylic box-thing…

Me: “I ordered nachos, right?”

TBM: *looks at his copy of my receipt* “No.”

Me: “Then why is my bill so high?”

TBM: *looks at receipt again* “There’s sales tax.”

Me Thinking: Dude, how much of a moron are you to think that sales tax is $1.67?  40 PERCENT SALES TAX!?!

Me: “It’s $1.39 for chicken burritos, right?”

TBM: “Yes.”

Me: “So, that’s what, almost $2.80 for the two burritos.”

TBM: *nods*

Me: “And how much is a Coke?”

TBM: *gets receipt and passes it to me*

Me: *points to B-BFSP* “What is this?”

TBM: “We don’t have spicy chicken burritos, so we gave you two chicken burrito supremes and gave you the red sauce instead of the green sauce to make it spicy.”

Me: “So these are chicken burrito supremes with spicy sauce?”

TBM: *nods*

Me: *drives away disgruntled*

I get home, take a bite of my burrito and… it’s a bean-beef burrito supreme with spicy sauce.  I believe I have previously mentioned that I HATE BEAN PASTE!

My two burritos then went directly into the trash.

So basically, the bozo messed up my order, over-charged me, then lied to me about the sales tax thing, lied to me about being out of spicy chicken burritos (my personal opinion) and lied to me about what he put in my bag.  I was pissed off!  So, for the first time ever, I filed a complaint.  That’s right, I was that mad!

I logged onto the Taco Bell website and I filled out a complaint form.  Yessireebob, that’ll teach that guy a lesson he’ll never forget!  I’m sure a reprimand-type e-mail from Taco Bell HQ is speeding its way to him right now.  Or even better, maybe they’ll send that “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” dog to pee on him.  Vengeance is mine!

Then, I got in my car and drove to another Taco Bell (yes, there are two Taco Bells within three miles of each other) and bought two spicy chicken burritos and an order of nachos, because as you know, I’m…

obsessive
determined
pig-headed
stubborn
hungry

Welcome to the Twelve Days of Dram!

What exactly IS the Twelve Days of Dram?  Why, it’s quite simply the most ground-breaking event since Hands Across America!  It’s more exciting than a dental convention!  It’s more entertaining than listening to Fabio After Dark!

The Twelve Days of Dram is EXACTLY like that song, The Twelve Days of Christmas, where you get a gift for twelve days in a row!  Well, there are some exceptions…

1. You don’t really get a gift.

2. Instead of getting those crappy gifts in that song, you get twelve straight days of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blogs (you decide whether this is better or worse)!

3. Instead of running from Christmas to Epiphany, which is December 25th to January 6th (I had to look that up… and I haven’t the slightest idea what Epiphany is.  I thought it was that perfume in Boomerang) like the Twelve Days of Christmas, The Twelve Days of Dram runs from today to December 24th!  Why?  Cuz you mus’ be high if you think I’m gonna blog on Christmas and New Year’s!

I’m sure you’re all wondering, “Wow, twelve straight days of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blogs!?!  You’ve never even blogged TWO days in a row!  Are you gonna be able to do it?”

Probably not!  But we won’t know ’til we try now, will we?  And oh sure, some of the blogs probably won’t be as long or as entertaining as usual Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blogs.  It’ll be just like that whole Chanukah thing, where you get more gifts than Christmas, but they all kinda suck.

What the heck is up with that Twelve Days of Christmas song, anyway?  Who the heck gives people those kinds of gifts for Christmas?  A partridge in a pear tree?  How do you wrap a pear tree?  And how do you keep the partridge IN the pear tree?  Rope?  Glue?  Staples?

And where do you go to buy lords?  Don’t these guys have some town to lord-over or something?  How much money does this person have to be able to pay off a bunch of lords to abandon their kingdom to go jumping around some strange person’s house?  The amount must be astroNOMical!  Wouldn’t that money be better spent on GOOD presents?  A trip around the world?  A big screen TV?  Better hide that credit card bill, cuz I can hear it now…

“You spent HOW MUCH on all these frikkin’ geese!?!”

French hens?  Swans?  Pipers?  I gotta say that this so-called “true love” isn’t scoring many points with these gifts. 

“Hey honey, remember the time I got you those ten lords a leaping?”

“OF COURSE I REMEMBER!  THEY JUMP AROUND THE FRIKKIN’ HOUSE 24 HOURS A DAY!”

And would you get one gift per day, or is it like the one new gift and all of the other gifts that came before it?  Like on the fourth day, were there four calling birds AND three french hens AND two turtle doves AND a partridge in a pear tree?  Cuz that’s what it seems like in the song.  If that’s the case, you’d get 184 freaking birds!  I mean, sure, the forty gold rings would be a pretty sweet trade-off, but you’d have to sell ‘em just to be able to buy bird food for 184 birds.

And I’m pretty sure that the 140 maids, dancing ladies, lords, pipers and drummers are gonna need to get fed, too.  I don’t think you’re gonna keep ‘em happy by feeding them pears, goose eggs and unpasteurized milk three times a day, either.  I’m tellin’ ya, nothing ruins a party more than 22 hungry, pissed off pipers.  I betcha there’s gonna be some turtle dove sandwiches on the menu after a few days.

So yeah… these are the types of blogs you should be expecting for the next eleven days.  After a few days of this, you’ll probably be wishing for a dreidel instead.

Ah yes, Xanga has been the source of much information that I’ve missed out on in this generation.  The mysteries of “kuya”, “fubu”, american stereotypes and “straight chirp’n” have been (somewhat) solved by the readers of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga.  So once again, I call upon the Xanga community to resolve my quandry as we once again delve into another installment of…

Explain It To the Old/Out-of-Touch Guy

However, today’s look at my cluelessness can’t really be chalked up to being out-of-touch.  So, today’s episode will instead be called…

Explain It To the Old/Non-Chinese Guy

Okay, since I’ve been working by myself a couple of days a week, I’ve discovered a chinese restaurant right down the street that has relatively cheap food.  On my first visit, I tried out their beef chow fun and an order of white rice (because, as you know, chow fun just doesn’t have enough starch).

Good stuff!  And they give you so much food, I usually have enough left over for dinner that night.  So, I was happy that I found another option for lunch.

A few weeks later, I went there and they were closed a couple of weeks for remodeling.  Basically, their remodeling consisted of lots of wood paneling and instead of walking in and going to your right to order your food, you now had to walk in and go to your left… then around a little barrier… then to your right.  I’m not sure where wood paneling and creating a maze to get to the waitress fits into this whole feng shui thing, but since I don’t know crap about feng shui, I won’t question it.

I called the restaurant one day, ordered beef chow fun and a side of rice (to make sure that I had my recommended daily allowance of starch for the month), walked down the block to pick up my food, got back to the shop and…

“WHAT THE CRAP IS… hey, that looks pretty good.”

Now, I usually can’t stand it when I get the wrong food.  When I’m looking forward to eating the food I ordered and then my hopes are dashed when I open the bag when I get home, I’m pretty irate.  But this beef fried rice dish was pretty tasty, so it was no problem.  I’m not sure how many strange looks there were at the restaurant when they were putting together an order of fried rice with a side of white rice, but that’s okay.  I mixed in the white rice with the fried rice and voila!  MORE fried rice!… kinda.

So, a week or so later, a new day dawns (as new days are apt to do) and I decide to get some chinese food again.  I order beef chow fun and a side of rice (to officially become the person that has consumed the most starch in their lifetime), since I got cheated out of it on my last visit.  This time, I walk down to the restaurant to order my food, take it back to the shop and…

WHAT THE HECK!?!  BEEF FRIED RICE AGAIN!?!  Now, I’m starting to think that there’s something funny goin’ on.  So, in true “Addicted to Xanga” form, instead of walking down to the restaurant to ask, I will instead ask the question to you fine people out there…

Why am I getting beef fried rice when I order beef chow fun?  Here are some of my possible explanations:

• The waitress is insane


• They not only remodeled their restaurant, but also their understanding of the english language


• This is their way of revenge for Japan beating China in this year’s Asian Cup


• Gremlins

Does “beef chow fun” sound like “beef fried rice?”.  Do the chinese characters for “chow fun” look similar to “fried rice” and the chef or waitress got it mixed up?  What sane person would order a side of white rice with fried rice in the first place?

As usual, I await your answers.

Yes, just as that immortal band, The Fixx, once sang, one thing most definitely leads to another.

The other day (okay, more like a long time ago), I was reading emmses‘ site and she recommended playing Inspector Parker on MSN games.  Now, the last thing I need is another game to get hooked on.  But I clicked on the link anyway and tried Inspector Parker out.

 

Four hours later…

Now see, this tends to happen whenever I start playing a new game.  For example, you know that Spider Solitaire game that comes with Windows XP?  Welp, I decided to try it out one day and quickly mastered the easy level.  Then, I won a number of times on the medium level.  So, it was time to conquer the difficult level… which ended up being pretty doggone frustrating.  You need a whole bunch of luck just to have a chance of winning!  I decided to keep playing until I finally finished the difficult level.  How long did it take me?  Ten games?  Twenty?

 

ONE HUNDRED AND ELEVEN GAMES!  Yep, that screenshot also shows that I played 21 losing games in a row in one sitting.  I am… um, what’s the word/phrase I’m looking for…

obsessive
determined
pig-headed
stubborn
a poor loser
in denial
one who displays mule-like traits
in need of professional help
over-estimating my abilities
una cabeza de un toro
striving to be the best that I can be

Yeah, that’s the one.  Anyway, I haven’t played that stupid game since.

Anyway, I was checking out some of the other games on MSN, one thing led to another and I discovered that you can compete against other people… for money.  Hey, I’m not too bad at some of these games.  I always wanted to see how I would measure up against other people.  And what better way to do it than while taking other people’s money? 

Now, this isn’t the first online game I’ve played for money.  As some of you know, I’ve been playing online poker on Paradise Poker.  I play where the big boys play… that’s right, the 2¢/4¢ Texas Hold-Em tables.  Oh sure, sometimes I’ll be reckless and play on a 5¢/10¢ table, but I’ll come to my senses and go back to 2¢/4¢.  I’m not made out of money, you know.

So, after some extensive practice time, I felt I was ready.  I plunked down $10.00 of my hard-earned money and entered the world of cash video gaming.  No longer am I Dramamine Boy, player of video games.  Oh no.  I’m now…

Dramamine Boy, PROFESSIONAL video game athlete!

First, I have to pick what game I’m going to destroy my opponent on.  I decide to try one of the games I’ve been playing for awhile… Bejeweled.  Bejeweled is kinda like a Dr. Mario rip-off, where you line up three of the same symbols to score points.  It’s called Diamond Mine on Yahoo Games and on pogo.com, it’s called Sweet Tooth and there’s candy instead of jewels.  What the heck is up with people ripping off the same game and calling it something different?  It’s like that doggone Seven Chinese Brothers thing I exposed in an earlier blog.  Did this kind of stuff become legal without me finding out?  Cuz I got a lot of ideas I’d like to rip off.

Next, I have to pick which tournament to play.  I choose the $1.00 entry fee tournament where it’s me versus one other person.  To the winner goes the spoils… $1.50.  I’m determined.  I’m focused.  I’m ready.  GAME ON!

My mouse speed is tremendous.  Jewels are falling by the wayside at an incredible pace.  The top athletes go to a higher gear when the going gets tough.  Michael Jordan in basketball… Joe Montana in football… and Dramamine Boy in Bejeweled.  Yes indeed… I was in “the zone”.  After five minutes, the game ends, the scores are posted and…

I AM VICTORIOUS!  Take that, dlturtle!  I’ll be taking that $1.50, thank you very much!

Hey, that was easy.  I gotta try this again!  I enter the same two-player tournament and…

Woohoo!

Woohoo!

WOOHOO!

 

We interrupt this blog for an important news flash…

 

I AM KICKING THE CRAP OUT OF DLTURTLE!

 

We now return you to your originally scheduled blog…

 

What the heck, is this dlturtle person the only other person playing this game!?!  I ended up playing a few more times and did play against some different players… beating them all.  ALL WHO ENCOUNTER ME SHALL KNEEL, FOR LO, I AM KING OF BEJEWELED!

So here I am, enjoying my growing fortune and contemplating whether or not to quit my job so I could play Bejeweled full-time, when I noticed that I got bumped up to the “Intermediate” level.  There’s different levels!?!  So, I plunked down my dollar to start dominating the Intermediate level and…

I LOST!?!  By a measly 80 points!?!  Oh, the pain.  I play some more Intermediate games, winning a few, but my success rate is far less, uh… successful.  So, I do what any normal person would do… find ANOTHER game where I could kick the crap out of beginners!

NOAH’S ARK!  In this game, you clear the screen by clicking on pairs of the same animal.  I’m not too bad at this game, either.  Not as good as Bejeweled, but heck, maybe I’ll run into dlturtle again.  I play a game and…

Doggone it… Quarterback Challenge!  In this game, you control the quarterback at the bottom of the screen and you throw passes to your four receivers.  The further out the receiver is, the more points you get.  After practicing a few times, I discovered that I rule at this game.

After five or six cash games, I went undefeated, winning MORE MONEY!  While I’m sure I can do well at the Intermediate level, I figured I might as well maximize my winnings at the Novice level.  So, I decided to be bold and play a THREE DOLLAR game.  It’s a four-person tournament and the top two win money.  I fling footballs like there’s no tomorrow and…

FIRST PLACE!  I WIN $630!

Oh wait, that’s $6.30.  Anyway, my balance is currently up to $24.80 and I’m now at the Intermediate level in Bejeweled and QB Challenge.  Hmmmm… I wonder what other games suckers play?

So in closing, I’m gonna have to cut back on this cash games thing.  For as you know, one thing leads to another.  In this case:

Texas Hold ‘Em for 2¢/4¢ –> MSN Games for money –> Crack