Swell.

The staff here at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga is currently putting the finishing touches on yet another silly, irrelevant, ramble-filled blog.  However, I am not posting another typical Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blog at this time.  Why, you ask?  Cuz my cousin tagged me for yet another one of these thingys that’s on everyone’s Xanga!  He wanted to keep it “in the family”.  YOU HAVE A WIFE, DON’T YOU!?!  What about your cousins in Hawaii!?!  Doggone it!

This time, it’s that “20 Random Facts” thing.  So, bear with me, as I bore one and all with all that is Dram…

1. I won the Daughters of the American Revolution medal in 6th grade… and I still have no clue what the crap that was for.

2. Musical instruments I played while going through school: the flutophone (woohoo), clarinet, tenor saxophone, trombone (experiment for a quarter during Jr. High band), trumpet (summer school class), bass drum (sat in for a guy that went to the bathroom during marching band practice), baritone saxophone.

3. I visited the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland with the guy that owns the most expensive baseball card in the world.  I also went with a friend of mine and the guy that owns the most expensive baseball card in the world’s wife… but that doesn’t quite have the “wow, Dram must be cool” factor that I was shootin’ for.

4. Me and two friends created and played in a professional wrestling fantasy league a few years ago.  I shall now bow my head in shame.

5. I played in a japanese basketball league from 2nd to 12th grade.  The first year I played, I was seven years old and our record was 5-3.  Our teams then proceed to have a losing record (with some REALLY BAD losing records) every single year until my senior year, going 4-4.  We tied for fourth, so we played an extra game to get into the playoffs… and lost.

6. The phrase “There are 10 types of people that understand binary, those who do and those who don’t” makes me laugh and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.

7. I ate spicy chow mein and it ended up burning my lips off… literally.  I had scabs for lips for over a week.  The next time my mom brought home spicy chow mein… I ate it again for some unknown reason (well, some unknown reason other than me being a moron)… and my lips burned off again.

8. I played in one of those pee wee basketball games at the Oakland Coliseum.  We played before and during halftime of a Golden State Warriors game.

9. I was so short at the start of 7th grade, I couldn’t see the top of the lock to read the combination numbers on my locker (I had a top locker).  After failing to figure out how to open my locker by reading the bottom numbers (and lugging a crapload of books from school to home and back for a week), I ended up going to the office and requesting a bottom locker.

Bottom locker, good… top locker, bad.

10. I am currently part of a Counter-Strike “team”, where we “play” against other “teams” in a “league”.  We use stratoogy and stuff.  I shall now bow my head further in shame.

11. I’m left-handed, but I eat with my right hand and operate a ten-key with my right hand.

12. Things I find totally hilarious:

TV Show: South Park Season 1
Movie: There’s Something About Mary
Comedy Album: Bill Cosby – Wonderfulness
Comic Strip: I gotta go with Calvin and Hobbes edging out Bloom County (tough choice).

13. I bought (and still own, albeit in non-working order) the Walkman WM-1 portable stereo cassette player when it came out.

I paid $99.95 for it.  Plus tax.  Yup, worked and saved up all summer to buy it.  Within a year or two, after everyone and their mom started making these things, I remember seeing the WM-1 being sold for $19.00.  I also saw a newspaper ad for a car dealership that was giving them away free if you stopped in for a test-drive.

14. Apparently, little kids love me.  During get-togethers, I will usually spend my time playing with the kids.  This is probably also due to the fact that I suck at adult conversation.

15. First music cassette I purchased… The Eagles – The Long Run.  First CD I purchased… The Eagles – The Long Run.  The first DVD I purchased?  That’s right, you guessed it… Hoosiers.

16. I might have had the highest national score on a video game called Kangaroo.  I bought a video game magazine one day and they had nationwide high scores on all the popular games.  A month or so later, I beat the score listed in the magazine for Kangaroo by a wide, wide margin.  I sent in my score (with verification) and went to the liquor store every few days for months, waiting for the new issue… it never showed up.  One day, I got an invitation to attend some National Video Game competition, but it was in Sacramento and I wasn’t good at the games they were having the competitions on.

17. I’ve never had one of those bubble tea thingys.  And I dunno… I’m not sure if I would enjoy one of those bubble tea thingys.  As an asian, I would bow my head even further in shame, but it’s already as low as it can get after those other two admissions above.

18. I like movies and own a number of DVDs.  However, I’ve never seen minor, insignificant movies such as…

• Any of The Godfather movies
  
• Pulp Fiction
  
• Silence of the Lambs
  
• It’s A Wonderful Life
  
• Taxi Driver
  
• Any of the Harry Potter movies
  
• Gone With The Wind
  
• Schindler’s List
  
• Casablanca

…among many, many others.  Especially musicals and classic black and white films.  Musicals bug me.  I saw The Sixth Sense just a few months ago.  Also, I saw The Graduate on TV recently.  Boy, that sure did explain a number of scenes from Wayne’s World II!

19.  I got new glasses a couple of months ago and how many people have noticed so far?  Zero.  That’s right, nobody.  I attribute this to one of the following:

• They look similar to my old glasses (which they do, but not that much)
  
• People don’t look at/pay attention to me enough to realize any differences
  
• The look of my face distracts people from my change in glasses (this could be good or bad… but probably bad )

I’m leaning towards number two.

20. Today is my birthday.  I just turned… old.  Okay, that’s not correct… everyone knows I turned old years ago.

Now, I get to tag people!  Muhahahahahaaaaaa!  Okay… let’s see…

sydney_chickie, COMS_K, ramen_rider, petitekiu and dlordcletus cuz they never/hardly ever post anything anymore!  DOGGONE YOU PEOPLE!  It’s totally inexcusable to not post for like, seven months… cuz… uh… I would never do… something like… that… yeah.

Okay, I got “tagged” by this fine, upstanding individual while Dramamine Boy’s Xanga was on hiatus.  Basically, it was attempt to get things in gear here at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga, forcing me to post a blog.  Well, far be it for this cornerstone of silliness to bow to the cries of peer pressure and start blogging again just cuz someone ordered me to do it!

It was just a coincidence that it happened that way… yeah, that’s the ticket.

As you know, I don’t care for these online polls and stuff, but this one had to do with music and whadda ya know… I listen to music!  WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT!?!

However, I don’t even remember what it was I was supposed to do.  I went searching for the blog where I was tagged, but I guess Ms. TJ decided to remove that blog from public view.  I would have to say due to that, I can cite section 4.23.5 in The Rules of Blog Tagging manual.  It alleviates me of any and all responsibilities of posting due to the non-public viewing of said tagging.  But, since I’m a good guy, I guess I can overlook such a blatant infraction and post anyway.

So, it was something where I had to list songs that mean a lot to me… or songs I listen to a lot… or songs that make turtles take up arms and overthrow the evil shop keeper.  I forget.  I don’t even remember how many songs I was supposed to list.

Needless to say… I don’t pay much attention to details.

Regardless, I don’t even have any songs that mean a lot to me.  I mean, I have songs that remind me of a certain event or moment or person, as I’m sure everyone else has.  But nothing that harkens me back to the days of yore, filling me with a touch of nostalgia, bringing a slight tear to my eye while recalling those times when life was so carefree and innocent.

Or some kind of crap like that.

I had to drive down to Long Beach a couple of months ago, so I made an MP3 disc to listen to.  This disc has about 130+ songs that I never get tired of.  You know how sometimes a song comes on, but you hit the “next song” button anyway, cuz you don’t feel like listening to that song at that time?  Well, this disc had songs where I never would want to hit the “next” button.  I got in the car, turned on random play mode and headed off to Long Beach.  12 hours of driving up and back and I didn’t hit the “next” button once!

Although a couple of songs get on my nerves now.

So, since I don’t remember what I was supposed to post (and the fact that this blog is going so long that people are ready to toss papayas), what I’m gonna do is, list ALL 130+ SONGS on the disc!  WOOHOO!

Yeah right… everyone knows I’m too lazy to do such a thing.  And cutting and pasting are for amateurs.

Instead, I’ll list the last fifteen songs that I listened to on this disc, which is actually still in the deck in my car.  I kept track of the songs by writing them down on a napkin.  I almost crashed at one point.  How tragic would it be for my obituary to read, “He crashed his car while writing down a song for his Xanga”?  So, since certain death (or at least an increase in my car insurance) was narrowly avoided for this blog, YOU BETTER ENJOY THIS, TJ!

Van Halen – Unchained
Earth, Wind & Fire – Fantasy
Toad the Wet Sprocket – Fall Down
AC/DC – Girls Got Rhythm
The Go Go’s – Head Over Heels
The Bus Boys – New Shoes
The Doors – Let It Roll
Heatwave – Groove Line
The Eagles – The Sad Cafe
Metallica – Enter Sandman
Stevie Wonder – Superstitious
Joe Walsh – Rocky Mountain Way
The Mac Band – Roses Are Red
The Police – Synchronicity I
When In Rome – The Promise

As you can see, I have a rather varied and ancient classic taste.  Metallica, Stevie Wonder and The Go Go’s living together in perfect harmony.

Actually, that sounds more like a new season of The Surreal Life.

Now comes the time for me to tag people.  Well, since I don’t remember what I was supposed to do in the first place, rule 5.17.3 states that any tags I list are not legally binding.

Doggone it.

Being a penguin fan, it was my duty to go see March of the Penguins.  It’s a documentary, narrated by Morgan Freeman, about the yearly trek that Antarctic emperor penguins take in order to reproduce.  It begins in March, where, after three months of eating, they leave the ocean and begin a seventy mile walk to the breeding ground they’ve been going to for eons.

Hi hooooooooooo!  Hi hoooooooooooo!

Experts are unsure how the penguins are able to navigate across seventy miles of ice to arrive at the same spawning point year after year. They hypothesize that they have some sort of internal radar or they’re possibly guided by the sun or the stars.  Well, let me put it this way… if you’re only allowed to get busy one time a year, wouldn’t you make doggone SURE to remember how to get there!?!  I mean, you’d be tatooing a map on your arm, wouldn’t you?

Hey stupid!  Seven hundred penguins are going the other way… don’t you think we should be following them!?!

And that’s another thing with this movie.  Was I the only one that started injecting penguin dialogue into all of the scenes?  I’m not talkin’ about “quack quack” (or whatever the heck sound penguins make), but actual dialogue that would go with the situation they were in.  For example, when they showed a lonely penguin that got a late start, was I the only one thinking…

Dude, I am sooooo late!  I hope they haven’t run out of bean dip yet.

Or at the very least, couldn’t Morgan Freeman have gotten into his character from The Shawshank Redemption and start quoting lines from the movie?

“The lone penguin has no chance against the winter’s cold… it will simply fade away.  Like my friend Andy used to say… get busy livin’, or get busy dyin’”

I dunno, I was doin’ this all throughout the movie and it sure did make the movie extremely entertaining.

But alas… I digress.

Anyway, why do the penguins travel so far away to spawn?  Well, not only does the area offer some limited protection against the upcoming winter winds, but mostly, it’s because the ice is thickest there, so there’s no chance of the ice breaking when summer comes around.  Also, it’s probably to prevent things like this from happening:

Shamelessly stolen (but duly credited) from The Perry Bible Fellowship

Once they all arrive, they start pairing up.  Morgan states that there are more females than males.  So, I’m sittin’ there in the movie theater thinkin’… what happens when the last male is taken?  What do the extra females do?  Do they start trying to kill other females?  Do they band together to form a female gossip group, spreading rumors to try to break up happy couples?  Do they stand alone by themselves or do they stand next to the couples to be the penguin equivalent of a third-wheel?  Morgan neglects to inform the movie-going public of this.

Freaking Morgan Freeman… how did a guy that can’t answer my simple penguin questions get this job anyway?

 Once everyone is paired up, the penguin orgy begins.  Now, since this is a G-rated movie (and a PG-rated weblog, for that matter), they pretty much skip over the whole penguin orgy thing.  Oh sure, there’s shots of penguins gazing longingly into each other’s eyes, a few french beak kisses and a slow motion shot of two penguins that appear to be heading in the general direction of “hittin’ it”.  But, that’s pretty much all you get and I didn’t feel like uploading any screenshots of this.  So, to all you people that were reading this just in the hopes of getting some gratuitous shots of penguin orgies, tough banana chips, pal.

Sometime in June, the egg is laid.  The mother balances the egg on her feet and protects the egg from the cold by enveloping it in a layer of blubber/fur.

Is that an egg between your legs are are you just happy to see me?

It is at this point in the relationship where the dads get royally JIPPED!!

Now that the harsh Antarctic winter is about to begin, making it the most perilous time for the egg’s survival, the mother penguin… LEAVES!?!  For two months!?!

Morgan explains that the mothers need to feed and bring back food for the chick.  So, they head on out and Morgan tries to make it seem like a tough deal… they have to trudge seventy miles back to the edge of the ice, they’ve lost a third of their body weight, blah blah blah.

Gimme a break.  Let’s take a look at the situation, shall we?  While the moms get to go off and party for two months, the dads have to…

endure minus 80° temperatures with winds up to 100 mph in almost 24-hour-a-day darkness…

and in order to survive, they have to huddle together to keep from freezing to death…

which of course, leaves hundreds vulnerable to fall victim each year to the deadly Monty Python foot.

all while balancing an egg atop their feet, protecting it from the cold with their bellies that haven’t tasted food for four months.

Yeah… good trade-off.

In this brutal environment, some of the dads are unable to protect the egg properly, signaling the egg’s demise.

Aw crap… I am SO in trouble when she gets back.

Meanwhile, the momma penguins are livin’ la vida loca:

They’re swimmin’ around, wavin’ their fins like they just don’t care and filling their bellies with fish and squid.

The one thing they do have to worry about, however, are the penguin-eating sea lions.  Now, I know there’s more than a few people out there that think of sea lions as cuddly creatures of the sea.  But Morgan paints them as some sort of mercenary of death, living for no reason other than to kill penguin moms and in the process, baby penguins.  Morgan gives us this whole guilt trip about how the sea lion didn’t take just one life, but two, since the still-unborn chick will never get the food needed to stay alive.

Evil sea lion about to munch on poor, defenseless penguin

So people were genuinely sad when they showed a mommy penguin getting eaten by a sea lion.  I mean, I’m a penguin fan and all, but this is bordering on propaganda.  Hey, what about the little guppies that the penguins ate?  What, guppies are considered nothing but food while penguins get our sympathy cuz they’re cuter than guppies?  If this was March of the Guppies, would we be shedding tears when the cruel penguins come barrelling down on the poor defenseless guppies!?!  And don’t you think sea lions have a few babies to feed as well?

Doggone sea lion discrimination, I tell you.

But alas… I digress yet again.

Anyway, back at Penguin Hell Central…

While the moms are dining on their favorite foods, the dads are livin’ it up in the middle of the most inhabitable place on earth on a steady diet of snow and… snow.  Par-tay.  After a month or so, the dads finally have a companion to share in their misery…

The chick is finally born.  Eager to get its first taste of food, the chick looks up to discover that the mom is still whoopin’ it up seventy miles away.  The fathers now have to put up with a hungry baby.  Way to go, mothers.

After awhile, the mothers make it back and begin feeding their chicks.  So now, it’s time for the fathers to leave to get something to eat before they die of starvation and it’s the mother’s turn to take over to watch the chick.  Oh sure, now that the sun is shining and winter is receding, the moms decide it’s “their turn”.

Insert “Awwww, how cuuuuuuuute!” here

Within a couple of weeks, the chicks are able to walk around on their own, exploring their surroundings and playing with the other chicks.  Then, a small storm hits.  Many chicks take shelter under their mothers, but many mothers don’t do crap.  All they do is huddle against each other instead of trying to find their kid.  Alas, the unattended chicks die in the storm.  When some of the mothers find their dead chick, as Morgan states, a few of them react in “an unimaginable way”… by trying to steal another chick.

Now, how is this so unimaginable?  What do you think is gonna happen to the mother when the father… who was left alone with the unborn chick for two months, who braved the coldest winter on earth, who didn’t eat for four months straight, who single-handedly hatched the egg, who entrusted the mother to take care of the chick for a little bit while he goes and gets some food before dying of starvation… comes back and discovers that she was out watching Oprah or something when the storm hit and the chick died?

Not only that, but with the warmer weather comes airborne predators.  Sea gulls (or whatever those birds are… heck, look ‘em up yourself, do I look like a bird encyclopedia!?!) circle around landing close to the chicks and attempt to take them away… and the moms do… NOTHING!?!  I swear, these moms act like teenage babysitters that when something happens, they say, “Ewwww, I’m not getting paid enough to deal with that!”.

Now, while the movie was goin’ on, I was wondering how they were able to get such awesome close-up shots of the penguins.  I figured that they had to be camouflaged well in order to not frighten or distract the penguins.  That also meant that when something bad happens, the cameramen would be unable to do anything to help.  Otherwise, they would expose themselves to the penguins, blowing their cover.  But in the end credits, they showed the behind-the-scenes stuff.  These guys were standin’ out there like it was a movie set!  They walked right around and up to the penguins with their cameras and had screens and lights and stuff.  Heck, I think I saw a couple of guys chowing down at a buffet table in the background!

The point I’m trying to make is… what are the cameramen doing when bad stuff was happening!?!  Couldn’t they throw a rock or a snowball at the sea gull or something!?!  When the parents messed up the egg exchange, couldn’t one of them rush in there and help the penguins, saving a penguin baby’s life instead of zooming in on a dying, frozen egg!?!  Couldn’t they have made a few tuna fish sandwiches for the starving fathers!?!  WHAT KIND OF UNCARING JERKS ARE THESE CAMERAMEN!?!  Geez, these guys would make excellent mother penguins!!

Boy, I seem to be doing a lot of digressing in this blog.

So August arrives and… the moms leave?  AGAIN!?!  They don’t even wait for the fathers to come back!  They just take off, leaving the chicks alone.  By the time the fathers return, some of the chicks will have died from cold, hunger or at the hands of predators.  Well, how about adding in mother neglect!?!

WHERE IS YOUR MOTHER!?!

For the next couple of months, the parents take turns going back and forth to the ice edge to bring back food.

The family together at last… during one of the few moments that the mom hasn’t abandoned her kid

By November, the chicks are healthy enough to survive on their own, so the parents leave.  In December, the chicks are able to swim for the first time.  And as the sappy music swells, the chicks are shown frolicking in the water, as they are finally able to swim home… for the first time… only to be eaten by a horde of sea lions.

The end.

Okay, they didn’t really get eaten… but you know, it coulda happened.

DISREGARD THAT DATE ABOVE!  EVERYONE KNOWS IT’S REALLY…

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Welcome to Part Two of…

The Quest for the Sunbeam King Size Electric Warming Mattress Pad

or, more aptly titled…

Get This Over With and Blog About Something Else, Dram!

It’s December 23rd… and I have to work until 7:30pm.  After work, I hop in my car and head in the opposite direction from yesterday to hit more malls.  I have less than three precious hours of mall hopping left in the Christmas season (I have work and a family get-together on the 24th).

By Day 2, I am the Indiana Jones of mattress pad finders. *begin humming Indiana Jones theme song here* I enter a department store, find the escalator, head directly to the top floor (except for Sears, where they put them on the bottom floor), dodge the deadly poisonous needles shooting out of the walls, spot the comforter section and within 30 seconds, I’m perusing mattress pads.  Two minutes later, I’m walking to the next store cuz they didn’t have a king size electric mattress pad.

First stop… Hilltop Mall.  I walk through Macy’s, Sears and JC Penney and of course, there are electric mattress pads galore and of course, they have everything except king size.

I pass by a See’s, so I decide to buy some chocolate covered cherries, just in case I can’t find the mattress pad.  I go in and immediately find them… oh sure, THIS I find with no problems!  There’s no price, but I figure they must be kinda expensive, so I order a half-pound.  The candy lady (for lack of a better term) places about twelve chocolate cherries in a box.  The price?  Seven dollars.

Seven freaking dollars.  What kind of a gift is that when compared to the warm, comfy goodness of an electric warming mattress pad!?!  I determined that I had two choices… I could either find the doggone electric mattress pad or I could buy her 12 pounds of chocolate covered cherries.

So, back to the quest at hand. 

Pinole Mervyn’s?  Nope.  Target in Pleasant Hill?  Nope.  Some no-name mattress store in Pleasant Hill?  Nope.  Macy’s Home Store in Concord?  Now, if ever there was a place that would have this thing, it would be this store.  Macy’s Home Store consists of two floors of nothing but… well, home stuff.  I walk in and almost the entire lower floor is filled with beds and bedding.  THIS IS IT!  It had so much bed stuff, it took me awhile to even find the mattress pads.  I walk around and find an entire aisle of Sunbeam Electric Warming Mattress Pads.  There’s like… millions of them here!  Wahooooooo!

I find a king size, skip along to the register, pay the $69.95 plus tax and speed on home, my quest fulfilled!

The End! 

At least that’s what I thought was gonna happen.  But nooOOOOOooo… after looking through a million mattress pads (that takes a long time, you know), I end up finding ZERO king size.

So now, I’m crushed.  It’s 9:20pm as I step into Sun Valley Mall.  The mall closes at 10pm, so this will probably be my last hope at finding this infernal thing (woohoo, I used “infernal”… I had to look it up to make sure it meant what I thought it meant).

I’m in full desperation mode as I walk through the mall, winding my way around numerous shoppers.  Now, when I’m walking by myself, I tend to walk pretty fast.  Since I’m in desperation mode, I’m probably moving at a slow jog.  In fact, I’m probably a sliver away from breaking down and sobbing while I run aimlessly down the mall corridor blubbering, “Mattress pad!  Mattress paaaaaaaaad!”

But still, there’s people out here strolling about, looking like they haven’t a care in the world, like they’re taking their morning constitutional (I have no idea exactly what this means, since people stopped using this phrase in 1927… but I’m guessing that morning constitutionals aren’t very speedy).

Why are people walking so slow in the mall?  IT’S DECEMBER 23RD, PEOPLE!  WE’VE REACHED PANIC TIME!  At this point of the Christmas shopping season, malls should be allowing you to drive your car inside the mall to get from shop to shop faster!

“Lots of space in this mall”

So, I go through the motions of walking in and out of bedding departments and enter my last hope… Sears.  It’s 9:40pm and I’ve run out of both malls and time.  I walk into Sears… the same Sears that I bought another gift for someone a couple of days earlier.  Why didn’t I look for a mattress pad while I was there earlier?  Cuz I was still hung up on the “it’s at Target, I’ll get it there” idea.

Yeah, I know… I’m dumb.

I immediately spot the bedding department and quickly find some electric mattress pads.  I flip through their selection, pick up the final mattress pad and it’s… twin size.  Just as I was about to see how far I could throw a twin size electric mattress pad while screaming in frustration, I look just below them and see…

I pause.  It looks like a mattress pad, but it’s really puffy.  And it says “pillow” on it.  Is it a pillow warming pad?  No, it’s a mattress pad with little quilted pillow thingys to make it comfier or something.  I pick it up to check the size…

it says “King”. 

Waiting for the inevitable other shoe to drop, I claw at the plastic wrapping to see if the “california” part of the size is obscured.  No, this truly is a king size mattress pad.  I read the front again to make sure that it’s an electric mattress pad.  Yup.  I check the size again.  “King”.  I flip it back over and read the front again… electric mattress pad… what’s the size?  King.

I can’t believe that in the very last store I’m able to visit, I actually found what I was looking for?  Could it be?  Finally, has the end of my quest arrived!?!  Yes indeed!  The ol’ Dram perseverance prevails yet again!  WOOHOO!  Okay, how much is it?
 

When I woke up, a sales person and security guard were standing above me.  “Are you okay, sir?”, the sales person said.  I got to my feet and assured them I was fine and mumbled something about low blood sugar and an infectious disease and they left me alone.

Holy crap… this was no ordinary sticker shock.  It was like a sticker taser.  It was like a sticker lightning bolt fashioned from the hands of Odin himself.  It was like… well, I ran out of inane, over-blown comparisons, but I think you get the idea.

THREE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN DOLLARS!?!

 

 

 

 

…AND NINETY-NINE CENTS!?!

I immediately started to think of reasons why it was so expensive…

• Was this $319.99 Canadian?  Cuz then that would only be like twelve bucks in real, US money.  No, it was indeed american currency.
  
• Does it come with free TiVo or something?  Nope… not even a free toaster.
  
• Why do these little pillow thingys make this thing cost so much more!?!  Are they filled with dollar bills?  Gold dust?  Crack?
  
• When you wake up in the morning and take a shower, does this mattress pad go into the kitchen and make you breakfast?  I’d probably buy one for myself for $319.99 if it did that… well, unless it kept burning my toast.

If I smash all the little pillow thingys until the mattress pad is flat, can I buy it for $69.95?  The sales person gave me a blank look when I asked this, so alas, I was denied that route.

I then discovered that it was 50% off, so that was… better.  I literally stood there for five minutes, staring at this mattress pad, contemplating if I should buy it.  To further taunt me, they had five of these mattress pads on the shelf… and four of them were king size.

Doggone pillow thingys.

Okay, do I buy the mattress pad or do I stick with the chocolate covered cherries?  I know that good things come in small packages, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that “chocolate covered cherries” isn’t quite in the same class as “diamond ring” or “diamond necklace”.

But man, we’re talkin’ 160 bucks!  And yes, I do realize that my aunt would be just as happy with chocolate covered cherries as she would with the mattress pad.  But still, how can you compare something she would use every cold night, producing a comfier and more restful sleep compared to six pieces of candy that will probably end up making her want to do some sit-ups or something to burn off the calories?  I mean, it’s a no-brainer, right!?!

So after a few days, I asked my aunt how she liked her present and she said they were a little stale.

I’m kidding… I got her the mattress pad and also gave her the cherries.

Welp, I gotta go, cuz I gotta watch Cal kick the crap out of Texas Tech in the Holiday Bowl!  Hope everyone has a Happy New Year!

The end! 

Or is it?  DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN- OW!  Okay, yeah, it’s the end!  Stop pelting me with papayas!

Okay, so the other day, I needed to finish up my shopping.  So, I decided to hop in the car and head out to…

 

 

What?  Why is everyone lookin’ at me like that?  Geez, can’t a guy disappear for eight months and then come back, picking up right where he left off, providing no explanation whatsoever!?!

Fine, if you need an explanation, let’s just say it involves ten pounds of imitation squirrel fur and a leaky tube of Crazy Glue.  Or perhaps a few miles of yellow ribbon, 150,000 oak trees and a Tony Orlando and Dawn Greatest Hits CD.  Or even better, an American Idol audition, a slight case of laryngitis and me punching Simon right square in the nose.

There.  Now that I’m sure you’re satisfied with my perfectly logical reason for being away, I shall now saunter back over to my blog.

*sauntering*

Alrighty then!  Here’s a blog that I was going to post on December 28th, so I need you all to imagine that it’s the middle of winter.  YES I KNOW IT’S THE MIDDLE OF SUMMER!!  Come on, work with me here, people!!  It’s time to exercise that severely under-utilized imagination of yours!

Okay, we’re gonna start this blog over again, so close your eyes and if you try reaaally, reaaaally hard, you’ll imagine that you’re in front of your computer with your eyes closed.

 

 

Oh, and it’s December 28th.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Okay, so the other day, I needed to finish up my shopping, so I decided to hop in the car and head out to the malls to pick up the last few Christmas gifts on my list.  Let me first say how I hate going Christmas shopping at malls. After one year where I waited 40 minutes in line just to buy a gift card, I vowed that I had to either start shopping earlier or figure out a different way of shopping.  Aaaand since I procrastinate until the last possible minute, the former was completely out of the question.

Now, to explain my philosophy on Christmas shopping, let me share a little story.  During our group’s Christmas get-together, one of my friends got a Larry Bird DVD that includes a few complete Boston Celtics basketball games on it.  So, someone popped it into the DVD player and we watched Game Seven of the 1988 NBA Eastern Conference Semi-Finals… Celtics vs. Hawks.  For those of you that know the game, you know why we’re watching it.  For those of you that don’t know what I’m talking about… well, think of something really awesome, then throw in some basketballs.  Yes… it’s THAT cool.

Anyway, one of the wives asked me, “Don’t you guys know who’s gonna win?”  “Sure”, I replied, so she said, “Then why are you watching this!?!”

I answered, “Sometimes, it’s not the end result, but the journey that makes something so entertaining” (I think I read that on the back of a cereal box or it was in a Bulwinkle cartoon or something).  This wife is also the same person that watched Bridget Jones’ Diary EVERY SINGLE DAY for months, so let us all take a quiet moment to savor the irony.

Ahhhhhh…

Okay, so what does Larry Bird, the Atlanta Hawks and Bridget Jones’ Diary have to do with my philosophy on Christmas shopping?  Uhhhh… that’s a good question.  Crap, where exactly WAS I going with this?

Oh yeah!  This whole “journey more entertaining than final result” thing is not the case when it comes to shopping.  I don’t care HOW I get the item, it’s that I GOT the item.  If I have the choice of walking through ten stores to find the item I want OR sit on my butt at home and order it online in ten minutes, I’m denting my chair until it shows up at my door.

And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing the last few years, denting my chair ordering my Christmas gifts online.  It’s saved me hours of driving through traffic jams, weaving through parking lots searching for a space and standing in lines.  Instead of walking from store to store searching for the perfect gift, I can go through multitudes of stores at home and have the gifts delivered to me.

Now, online shopping isn’t perfect.  I’ve had to venture out to the malls at least once each year to pick up the last of my gifts due to a delay in shipping or things being out of stock.  But, since I knew what I wanted, it’s usually pretty easy to go out and get those last few gifts.  And of course, this year was no different.  So, like I said, I hopped in my car to finish my shopping and immediately picked up a few gifts. 

The last item on my list… the Sunbeam King-size Electric Warming Mattress Pad for my aunt.

I found a number of them online, ranging from $69.95 to $99.95.  Okay, that’s not too bad… sure, it might look kinda funny giving her a huge, bulky present while giving my uncle a dinky DVD-sized present, but oh well.  Maybe I’ll throw that DVD into a huge box and have him tunnel through a few gallons of shipping peanuts to search for his gift.  Regardless, electric warming mattress pads are apparently hotter than Cabbage Patch Dolls were in 1983, since every site that I found one, they were sold out.

Target.com and walmart.com both had the mattress pad on their websites, I figured I’d start by driving to those stores.  There’s a Target right by my house and… they don’t have it.  There’s a Target right by my work and… they don’t have it.  Well crap, I should’ve known this wasn’t going to be easy, so I hopped back in the car and drove 20 minutes down to the Target in San Leandro.

No mattress pad.  Freaking heck, man.  I drive down a few more miles to WalMart… they don’t have it either.  A couple of miles away is Southland Mall, so even though there’s no Target or WalMart there, I can check a few department stores.  There’s gotta be ONE place there that has one of these mattress pads!

I walk through a couple of department stores with no luck.  I step into Mervyn’s, walk into the bedding department and… here it is!  I found it!  The Sunbeam Electric Mattress Pad!  It actually exists!  I’ve never been so happy to see bedding linen in my life!  And they have a lot of them!  AND IT’S EVEN ON SALE!  And it’s the wrong size!

They just have twin size.  I turn the corner and there’s a whole display of them!  Yes!  MERVYN’S RULES!  And they don’t have king there either!  You suck, Mervyn’s!

Doggone it, they have every single size except for King.  Twin… Full… Queen… even California King.  If they made an electric mattress pad for a doggone Barbie bed, they probably would’ve had that size, too. 

I stood there wondering if California King would work.  Are they a different size than King?  Are they the same size but a different thickness?  Do they call King size mattress pads California King cuz I’m in California?  They certainly didn’t cover stuff like this in college.  I call my mom, but got voice mail, so I left a message.  After calling another aunt, I discovered that indeed, a California King wouldn’t fit on a normal king-sized bed.

Crap.

I leave Mervyn’s, but I am undeterred in my quest, for I now know what my prey looks like.  I’m going to cross this last item off of my Christmas list if it takes forever!  VICTORY WILL BE MINE!

Apparently, forever is a distinct possibility, cuz I strike out in the rest of the stores in the mall.  I travel to yet another Target and then drive down to New Park Mall.  Time after time, I either discover that these stores don’t have electric warming mattress pads or they don’t have King size.  For awhile, I contemplated buying my aunt a California King bed just so I can buy the frikkin’ California King-sized electric mattress pad.

My mom calls me back while the mall is closing and I explain how I can’t find the mattress pad.  As stores are pulling down security gates all around me, she says to forget about it and get something else on my aunt’s list.  Well, one of the only other things on her list was chocolate covered cherries from See’s.  Yeah, I’m sure chocolate covered cherries will keep my aunt nice and toasty on those cold nights.

It’s December 22nd… time is not on my side.

The End.

 

 

 

Oh no wait… I mean, To Be Continued.  Sorry, I’m a little rusty at this whole blogging thing.

IT’S FINISHED!

Blogging can now re-commence… um… soon.

In the meantime…

Buy a Dramamine Boy Stupid Hat Clock!  One out of one Dram relatives polled say, “That’s the best clock ever!” *

* Relative may or may not have been me

The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 12

 

Seeing how we’re coming up on that whole Jesus birthday thing, I figured that it would be appropriate to end The Twelve Days of Dram by blogging about the guy that’s responsible for me getting presents.

Oh sure, he was the Son of God, but some of you may not be aware that Jesus actually had a job.  That’s right, he didn’t just roam the earth walking on water, pulling hundreds of fish out of a hat and making everyone feel guilty with that whole “let him who is without sin cast the first stone” thing, but he also worked as a carpenter.

Now, wouldn’t he have been the best carpenter in the history of carpentry?  Come on!  It’s Jesus!  His carpentry would’ve been the stuff of legends!  If you go visit the Carpentry Hall of Fame, Jesus sure better be the first carpenter you see when you walk in!

Just think how much work Jesus would’ve had!  He’d have people lined up for months for his services!  I gotta figure that when news of Jesus’ execution spread, there had to be at least a couple of people who said, “Aw crap!  Now I’m NEVER gonna get that new rec room!”

Okay… I’m not really sure they said “Aw crap” back then, so insert something else like “Forsooth!” or “Egads!” if you need this blog to be truer to the time period.  Actually, I might have to start using “Forsooth!” again… that would kinda rule.

Anyway, how did Jesus get so good at carpentry?  Did someone actually teach him or did he just pick up a miter saw one day and start building cathedrals?  I mean, the guy that did teach Jesus carpentry would be set for life.  He could go on late night TV with a 1/2 hour informercial and state:

“Learn from the guy who taught Jesus!”

And who’s gonna argue with his techniques?  All he’d have to do is point out that Jesus was his pupil and everyone would have to figure that he’d know what he was talkin’ about.  Are you going to listen to some old, B.C.-age carpentry teacher down at Bethlehem U. or are you gonna listen to the guy that taught Jesus how to install a ceiling fan?

Why didn’t The Bible explore this carpentry subject a little more?  You gotta figure that at least ONE disciple wrote a book chronicling Jesus’ God-like carpentry exploits.  One of the books in The Bible is titled “Job”, but I read through that whole thing and it didn’t have crap about Jesus being a carpenter.

Wouldn’t that have been a great addition to The Bible to further show how cool Jesus was?  I gotta figure that it exists somewhere and must’ve got lost during printing.  Not sure where that book would’ve appeared in The Bible, but obviously, it would be in the New Testament.  My guess is, it’d go something like, “Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Timber Framing”.

I’m tellin’ ya, this lost book of The Bible probably explains a lot of mysteries of The Bible.  Maybe the twelve disciples were co-workers.  Or perhaps they were former customers that were so moved after seeing Jesus’ unparalleled carpentry, they decided to follow him around.

The Holy Grail?  Probably a thermos.

There’s debate even today about who was responsible for crucifying Jesus.  Was it the Romans?  The Jews?  Well, I betcha this lost book would put an end to that debate.  Don’t believe me?  Well, here’s my theory…

What do you think it would’ve been like to be a carpenter during this time?  I mean, not only are your prospective customers comparing your skills against the Son of God’s, but material things meant nothing to Jesus!  So, his carpentry fees were practically at cost!  How are you gonna compete against that!?!  You’d go broke trying to compete!

So, by using simple deduction, after Jesus kept taking everyone’s jobs away, I’m pretty sure the people responsible for nailing Jesus to the cross were members of Jerusalem’s Carpenters Local Union Number 27!

 

Welp, that’s it for The Twelve Days of Dram!  Hope you enjoyed it more than I enjoyed posting it! Actually, you BETTER have enjoyed it more, since it was way more work than I thought it was gonna be!

Happy Holidays, everybody!

And don’t forget, Dramamine Boy stickers are still available!  There’s plenty left!  SOMEONE BUY SOMETHING!

The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 11

FAILED BLOGS

Not every idea here at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga ends up as a blog.  While some ideas that Dramamine Boy’s Xanga staff members come up with are immediately dismissed and the staff member flogged, there are some ideas that get approved, worked on extensively and then are later found to be deemed unworthy… which requires extra flogging.  Here’s some ideas that were kicked around here at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga for a blog, but never made the cut.

AMC Moviecard -

This is my MovieWatcher card (and as you can see, it’s been used quite a bit).  After using it for awhile, it was deemed blog-worthy and the following was written up: 

AMC (and apparently a few other movie theaters) have this rewards card you can sign up for where you can get free popcorn, sodas and even tickets.  My cousin told me about it, so I signed up for it.  This is perhaps the greatest thing ever!  For years I’ve been going to movies and I never got crap for free.  Now, every three or four visits, I get free stuff!

When I first got this card, I started going to all sorts of movies just to earn points so I could get free stuff.  Who cares if the movie was crappy… I’m only 2 points away from getting a free popcorn!  If they came out with Ishtar 2 back then, I probably would’ve been first in line.

Also, Wednesdays are “free popcorn” days, so Wednesdays are my new favorite day to see a movie.  How many of my friends want to see movies on Wednesdays?  Zero.  That’s okay… more popcorn for me!  Here’s the schedule of rewards you get:

What’s it say about the profit margin of popcorn if they’d rather give you a free popcorn before they give you a free small soda that they charge you $4.00 for!?!

And… well, that’s all that ended up being written.  Not very blog-worthy, I must say.

Trip to Japan - I really want to go to Japan one of these days and a blog was going to be written about it.  But until that happens, I was going to take a trip to Japan… through the internet.  So, I have this pic:

and it was gonna be inserted into all sorts of pictures of Japan found on the internet.  For example:

Then, stupid touristy things were going to be written about each picture, as if I actually went there.  But as you can see, all the pictures look crappy, except for maybe the last one.  This is not only because the picture I’m using is low quality to begin with, but also matching the brightness/contrast of the surrounding picture hadn’t been a part of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga’s Photoshop repertoire yet (and actually, it still isn’t).

BayStars Update - Boy, I haven’t posted one of these in awhile!  That’s because the BayStars had yet another lackluster season, languishing near the bottom of the standings for most of the year before turning it on at the end of the year and… ending up in last.

Anyway, one of the BayStars updates was going to be my letter to Peter Gammons (who is the baseball expert on ESPN), but nothing else was written other than what is below:

Dear Mr. Gammons,

Knowing that your knowledge of baseball is not just confined to Major League Baseball, what do you think the effect of the BayStars’ hiring of Daisuke Yamashita will have on the BayStars?  Don’t you think that his hiring will put the BayStars on track to break all Japan League performance records and win championships for as long as he wishes to manage? In fact, don’t you think his hiring will stimulate the entire Japanese economy and quite possibly put an end to all wars around the world for eternity?

Thanks,
Dramamine Boy

 

Dear Mr. Boy, Get lost. Sincerely, Peter Gammons

WELL EXCUSE ME, MISTER BASEBALL “EXPERT”!

Kill Bill -

Before I went to see this movie, it seemed to be the perfect movie to spawn a Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blog.  The reason?  If you didn’t see the movie, the synopsis goes something like this:

Scrawny white woman kills a bunch of highly trained asian assassins

If there was ever a time to reel off a “doggone asian discrimination, I tell you”, this would be the time.  But, that was pretty much all I had to say about the movie.  Well, that and my hypothesis that the reason the Crazy Eighty-Eights all wore masks is because Hollywood didn’t want to hire 88 asian actors, so they added in a bunch of white guys. 

Other than that, the only story I have is about when I went to go see Kill Bill.

One night, I was talking to Ben and Cindy on MSN and I mentioned that I hadn’t seen Kill Bill yet.  They replied as if I just told them I eat baby birds for a living.

“WHAT!?!  WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!?!  GO OUT AND SEE IT RIGHT NOW!!”

By that time, however, Kill Bill wasn’t playing in the regular theaters anymore.  The closest theater it was playing at was the Elmwood in Berkeley.  Now, I had never been to the Elmwood, but it’s been there forever.  It now plays movies that are no longer at the main cinemas and it only costs something like $5.50 to see a movie.

It’s truly an old-school type theater.  I walked in and there was one person at the tiny, sorry excuse for a concession stand.  I get a popcorn and soda and walk into the theater.  There’s no music playing, no stadium seating and there’s a curtain in front of the movie screen.  I sit down on the tattered seat and a spring greets my butt.

The lights dim and there were no previews, no THX “The Audience is Listening” promo (heck, I’m not even sure if there was stereo), no dancing popcorn and sodas telling me to visit the tiny, sorry excuse for a concession stand… just the curtain opening and boom, the movie starts.

Now, those of you that have seen the movie know that the beginning was made to look like a ’70s style movie, complete with pops and hisses and pieces of dust and stuff on the screen.  For those that hadn’t seen the movie (e.g. me), I’m sitting there in my crummy seat thinking…

“Whaaaaat kind of CRAPPY THEATER did I just sit down in!?!”

I almost walked out!  Heck if I was paying $5.50 to watch a print of a movie that looked like something that was downloaded off the internet!  I can do that for free!

Man… actually, that was a lot of information.  Maybe I shoulda used that for a blog.

Stereograms -

Remember these?  They were also called “Magic Eye”.  At first glance, they look like a repetitive pattern, but if you stare at them correctly, they contain a 3D image.  I remember these things would appear in the Sunday comics and I’d sit there forever trying to see the image. So, a committee was formed to create a blog about them, but all that ended up happening was the creation of this:

Blogging once an hour - This idea actually ended up evolving into The Twelve Days of Dram, except instead of blogging once per day, it would’ve been once per hour.  It woulda been like the blogging version of “24″.  But heck, it’s hard enough to come up with something to blog about once a week, much less once an hour!  However, little ideas to come up during the day… not enough to warrant blogging about, but significant thoughts nonetheless.  For example, when Matt Leinart won the Heisman Trophy, did anyone else think he looked like a Chia Pet?

 

So who knows, maybe this “blogging once an hour” idea will surface one of these days.  Maybe that’ll be the day I choose to sleep for 18 hours.  That’d make things much easier.

Let the floggings commence.

The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 10

Today’s calendar image is dedicated to Iagos_envy, who ALSO decided to give a shout-out on his blog about The Twelve Days of Dram!  Woohoo!  Spread the word everyone!

Why a dog, you ask?  Well, I hopped on Google’s image search engine and typed in “iagos” and that’s the first thing that popped up… that dog.  Beats the crap out of me why.  Then, I decided to type in “dramamine boy” and only three images popped up…

What the heck!?!  Why is that page with the sailor guy ahead of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga!?!  And what does Dramamine Boy have to do with that men-only cruise picture on the right?  I’ve never been on a cruise, nor would I want to be on a cruise bereft of women!  Let me strongly proclaim that I have no affiliation with that site!

Anyway, I typed in “dramamineboy” and it came up with a page full of random Dramamine Boy’s Xanga pictures.  Ahhhh, the memories.

Well, since I’m kinda in the mood to bounce around from topic to topic, this might be a good time for another edition of…

aka “Doode, that was a sad attempt for a blog”

Yes, it’s been over a year since the last Dram Thoughts, which is probably a good thing.  For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, it’s basically a lot of ideas that are too short (or stupid) to have a blog entry of their own, so we accumulate them all here to try to pass them off as something interesting!  Onward!

There’s a lady at my bank that’s like the nicest person in the world.  So nice, that if there’s a such a thing as being too nice, that would be her.  In fact, she’s so nice, she’s annoying.  Extremely annoying.  Teeth-grittingly annoying.  I mean, I’ve been accused on more than one occasion on being too nice, but this is different.  It’s like a fake kind of nice.  It’s as if in bank teller school, they told her that the nicer she was, the more money she’d make.  So nice, that in order to cancel out the excessive niceness to become a normal person, she’d have to go home after work every day and torture kittens in her basement.

Do you remember that Bank One commercial that was advertising their different credit card designs (like one for the World Wildlife Fund, etc.)?  There’s a lady working at a register and as each person comes up to her with a new Bank One card, she makes a I’m-trying-to-be-funny-but-I’m-not-so-funny comment?  Like, “Oh, Bank One!  Top o’ the mornin’ to ya!  I’m not really Irish, I just like saying that”?  She’s EXACTLY like that.

 

Yeah, THIS commercial!

And I always seem to get her as my teller.  ALWAYS!  So, I have to stand there and listen to her corny remarks, which does nothing but slow down her actual job of processing my deposit, prolonging my torture.

One day, another teller from that bank came into my shop and somehow, she brought up that teller and let out a little sigh.  Good lord, I just can’t imagine how grueling it would be to listen to her make bad jokes all day long, day after day.  Personally, I’d probably snap and end up in prison.  So I said, “It must be… interesting to work with her all day”.  And she said, “Yeah, let’s just say she hasn’t had a man in awhile”.

That kind of puzzled me, so I asked what she meant and she answered, “Well, she’s always flirting with all the men that come into the bank.  Some of the things she says are just shocking!  I’m waiting for someone to complain.”

So now I’m thinking, “Hey, she never tried to hit on me… WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!?!”

Rejection truly does make you want things you don’t really want.

---

It’s pretty cool to have a song stuck in your head to hum or whistle during the day… kinda makes the day go by faster.  But not if that song is the “I like steak and chicken” song from the Applebee’s commercial.

---

 

There’s a movie coming out next month called White Noise.  I will go on record right now and state that I will not be seeing this movie.  As some of you know, I used to hate scary movies.  Now, they don’t bother me, but I still don’t go to them.  But this one is based on Electronic Voice Phenomenon, which supposedly is a real-life way of recording dead people talking to you.  Real-life ghost stuff freaks me the heck out.

After watching the trailer, I was kinda confused as to how these spirits were talking to people.  Where are they?  Are they all around us?  Are dead people are talking to me from my toaster or something? 

So when I got home, I decided to look this EVP thing up on the internet, which as everyone knows is the source of everything true.  And heck, there’s all sorts of webpages about this EVP thing!  Even one of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga readers, kmarie1078, has experienced this kind of stuff.

And I also stumbled across this site.  Holy crap, man.  I spent like an hour on this site, listening to their recordings and stuff.  People go out to cemeteries with a tape recorder and start asking questions to dead people in the middle of the night!  While I’m sure this is a barrel of fun rolled up in a big ball of joy, I’m gonna pass.

Listening to these things make me feel all oogy.  Just try sitting all alone in a dark room, with nothing but the illumination of your computer screen keeping you from being enveloped by the eerie blackness of night and listen to this one from ghostwave.com. 

I’ll be hiding under my bed tonite… with a bat… a ghost-killing bat.

---

On the forum of the server that I usually play Counter-Strike on, someone put up a topic asking people to post a picture of their computer desk and computer that they use to play CS.  So, I posted the following…

---

Taco Bell has sent me a letter!  If I had a scanner here at home that worked, I’d scan it for you.  It’s a FORM LETTER!  Well, at least it looks like a form letter.  If it said something like, “Yeah, that cashier is a moron”, I’d feel much better, but no.  Just a lot of mumbo-jumbo (woohoo… mumbo-jumbo) about how Taco Bell strives to ensure that all of their restaurants meet every consumer’s expectations and blah blah blah.  Nothing about firing incompetent, lying workers or re-naming the Spicy Chicken Burrito “The Dram-rrito”.

They did give me a coupon for two free items of my choice.  But what the heck, it expires in February!?!  What kind of crap is that?  “Here’s something we give to you as an apology, but if you don’t use it in the next couple of months, we’re taking it back”!?!

---

And finally, here’s a little something that I suggest everyone should pick up if you have the chance.  It’s really helped Dramamine Boy’s Xanga get to where it is today… wherever that is.

 

The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 9

Overdue Edition
December 21, 2004

Scandal Rocks Xanga

Xangaland - As the trial against Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative’s illegal distribution of steroids continues, more and more names are surfacing as customers of BALCO’s performance-enhancing network.  Over the past months, investigators have uncovered evidence linking steroid use to top-name athletes in all major sports.  Now, the Xanga Times has learned that they have turned their attention to the blogging community.

The steroid spotlight is currently being focused on the blogging community called Xanga.com.  While other blogging communities, such as LiveJournal, routinely screens their members for steroid use, Xanga’s Terms of Use features no policy whatsoever.  Former Xanga members have estimated the percentage of Xanga members using steroids at 60 to 70 percent.

An expert on blogging offered her analysis: “Honest bloggers who put in a lot of work to attempt to appear on the Featured Content page are at a distinct disadvantage. They can’t compete with those bloggers that are using artificial help like testosterone, human growth hormone and spell-check to dominate the Featured Content list and are continually denied inclusion.  With these cheaters hogging the spotlight, the honest people don’t get discovered and end up either leaving Xanga or turning to steroids themselves.”

“Dude, there be tons o’ fools usin’ steroids”, remarked one former Xanga member.  “I blogged hecka long about school an’ mah girl and whatnot and never got on Featured Content ONCE!  So, they gotta be cheatin’!  That’s whack!”

With charges of steroid use hovering over the Xanga community, there have been numerous Xanga bloggers being targeted as possible users.  For example, rumors have recently been flying around Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Headquarters ever since the beginning of a promotion called “The Twelve Days of Dram”.  A few Dramamine Boy’s Xanga readers offered up some doubts that the sudden increase in blogs is natural.

“Dram only blogs a few times a month and then suddenly he’s able to blog twelve straight days in a row?”, stated one reader.  “Doesn’t anyone find that suspicious?”

“With all the rumors and the freaky increase in blogging, what are people supposed to think?”, says another reader.  “Even if he does make it to Day 12, I think it’ll be a tainted accomplishment.”

Finger-pointing reached a fever pitch at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga yesterday when the Xanga Times obtained previously sealed grand jury documents from the BALCO trial.  According to those documents, a recently fired Dramamine Boy’s Xanga employee, who testified under the cloak of anonymity, took the stand and said:

“Chuckie see everything!  Mr. Motivator rub cream on heads of staff to make staff smarter!  Mr. Motivator inject clear in hands to prevent staff from getting typing cramps!  Mr. Motivator say it flaxseed oil, but Chuckie no trust Mr. Motivator.

When asked if Dramamine Boy himself was directly involved, the anonymous ex-employee stated, “Chuckie no see Master Dram with steroid.  Chuckie no know if Master Dram know anything about steroid.  Chuckie too busy hiding from hungry tiger to know for sure.”

When confronted with the news of the BALCO trial, Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Headquarters released the following statement:

“We categorically deny any wrongdoing here at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga.  We have never purchased any steroids, never distributed steroids and never witnessed any of our staff using steroids.  Come down to Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Headquarters and see for yourself!  We welcome an investigation!  We have nothing to hide!”

“Uh… give us a couple of weeks to, um… clean up the place first.”