Alrighty, after reading Ben’s blog about his NCAA basketball tournament picks, I thought it would be a good idea to do my own predictions, Then, we could take the next couple of weeks comparing results. But, I didn’t even start this blog until just before the play-in game (Niagara vs. Florida A&M), so I was behind from the beginning.
And then, there was that huge flood in California. I’m sure you know about it… it was in all the papers. My house was completely under water. So, I couldn’t finish this blog. You know how hard it is to type while in scuba gear? Not an easy task, I’m tellin’ ya.
So, it’s incomplete. And it has no ending. And I only went through the first round. And heck, I didn’t even make fun of painstakenly research each team. But, since there hasn’t been a Dramamine Boy’s Xanga post in awhile and seeing how the final NCAA game is tomorrow, I might as well post what there is. And it’s not like I can let it sit on my hard drive so I can use it later. So… here ya go!
Usually when I do these NCAA pools, I do pretty well the first couple of days. But, things start to fall apart somewhere in the second round and by the time the Final Four rolls around, instead of counting the dollars that might be rolling in, I’m counting down the days until baseball starts.
So this year, I thought I’d take a little different approach to picking my teams. Instead of using stuff like… logic… I’m gonna read the names of the two teams, write down the first thing that pops into my head for each one and then decide on the winner based on how much cooler one of those things are compared to the other. Seeing how this method uses about zero basketball knowledge, I think this will be my best showing ever!
And since the Cal Bears aren’t in the tournament, they won’t mess up my bracket when I pick them to go one or two rounds longer than they actually do.
West Bracket
Play-in Game: Niagara beats Florida A&M - When I think of Niagara, I think of the Three Stooges. Am I the only one that thinks this? When someone mentions Niagara Falls to the Three Stooges, they utter, “Niagara Fallllls… slowly I turned… step by step… inch by inch” and then they kick the crap out of some flunkie. So, Niagara will kick the crap out of Florida A&M (and totally ignore that this game has already happened).
See how this works? Okay, let’s keep going…
(1st seed) Kansas beats (16th seed) Niagara - Kansas knows the counter-technique to the Three Stooges Double-Eye Poke, so Niagara has no chance.
Quick, get your hand up!
(8) Kentucky beats (9) Villanova - Everyone seems to think that Kentucky coach Tubby Smith sucks, his team isn’t very good, he’s produced under-achieving teams for years and the Kentucky fans want him fired. So, that’s why I’m picking his team to win. Poor Tubby Smith. Lay off the guy. He’s had a tough life. Seriously, what kind of parents name their kid Tubby?
Mean parents, that’s what kind.
(5) Virginia Tech vs. (12) Illinois
(13) Holy Cross beats (4) Southern Illinois - Holy Cross! How can you bet against a team called Holy Cross!?! It’s like they’re on a mission from God! Hey, I saw The Blues Brothers! I know what can happen!
(6) Duke vs. (11) VCU
(3) Pittsburgh beats (14) Wright State - Wright State? Who is Wright State named after? Orville Wright? Frank Lloyd Wright? Steven Wright? I couldn’t think of anyone named Wright that would be up to the task to defeat Pittsburgh. Now, if Pitt was playing Jason Voorhees University, on the other hand…
(10) Gonzaga beats (7) Indiana - Gonzaga sounds like either an Italian dish or a rare disease and I can’t figure out which. “Mmmmmm, hot, fresh gonzaga!” or “Oh no, I’ve contracted gonzaga!”.
Not sure what this has to do with basketball, but we need Gonzaga to stick around until I can figure this out.
(2) UCLA beats (15) Weber State - Dick Weber, Hall of Fame bowler. Or, Myron Weber, inventor of the Weber Grill. Much like Wright State, Weber State doesn’t have the name power to beat UCLA.
Actually, I have no idea who invented the Weber Grill, but Myron Weber sounds about right.
Midwest Bracket
(1) Florida beats (16) Jackson State - While Tito could probably contain Joakim Noah, Michael’s horrible basketball skills displayed in his “Jam” video spells doom for Jackson State.
Even if they let LaToya play.
This one won’t be a “Thriller”.
There will be no “Victory Tour” for Jackson State.
Randy’s solo album had more time in the limelight than Jackson State will in this tournament.
All participants are over the age of 18.
No llamas allowed.
Take my wife, please.
(9) Purdue beats (8) Arizona - Former Xanga blogger Bill went to Purdue. So… Purdue it is. Even though Arizona is one of my friend’s favorite songs by the Scorpions.
(5) Butler beats (12) Old Dominion - When I think of Butler, I think of Alfred, Bruce Wayne’s loyal servant. He was the best… well, the TV Alfred, not Michael Caine or whoever the heck was the butler for Michael Keaton. I could care less about them.
Old Dominion is just… old. What’s with the name? Old Dominion sounds so out-dated and obsolete. Why wouldn’t the school change their name? New Dominion would be the obvious choice, but better yet, how about Uber Dominion? Everyone would want to go to Uber Dominion! Heck, I’d go there just so I could get a t-shirt!
And change that “Monarchs” nickname while you’re at it. Something like… the Dominators! Or the Intimidators! The Uber Dominion University Intimidators! They could beat teams just with their intimidating name! Even though those nicknames didn’t do Charlie Sheen much good in Major League II.
But instead, they’re Old Dominion, so they’ll lose.
(4) Maryland beats (13) Davidson - John Davidson, host of That’s Incredible! Or was it Real People… whatever, Maryland beats an 80′s TV show host any day.
Yes, even Bob Barker.
(6) Notre Dame beats (11) Winthrop - Rudy vs. Dan Aykroyd’s character from Trading Places. Oh wait, that’s Winthorpe. Whatever… close enough.
After the Rudy movie came out, Notre Dame should’ve passed a rule that every one of their sports teams should be required to have a short, crappy player on their roster. Football, basketball, lacrosse, men’s, women’s… all of ‘em. That way, if Notre Dame was losing by a lot, they could put the crappy player in the game and the crowd would get all excited and chant, “RUUUDY! RUUUDY!”, keeping that valuable school spirit alive!
That kid should also have to change their name to Rudy. Hey, that’s the price for fame.
(3) Oregon vs. (14) Miami – OH
(7) UNLV vs. (10) Georgia Tech
(2) Wisconsin vs. (15) Texas A&M – CC - I’ve already commented on this game on Ben’s blog, so go there if you want to see what pearls of wisdom I had for this one.
East Bracket
(1) North Carolina vs. (16) Eastern Kentucky
(8) Marquette vs. (9) Michigan State - I couldn’t really think of anything to say about either team, so the winner of this game is… CAL! That’s right! The Cal Bears! Who cares if they weren’t even invited to this tournament! They’ll find a way to win this game!
(12) Arkansas beats (5) USC - Ever watch a USC football game and whenever USC does something even remotely good, their band plays that song? So, you end up hearing that song like 300 times a game?
First down! Daaaaaaah… da-da-da da da da da-da daaaaaaaaah!
Two yard gain! Daaaaaaah… da-da-da da da da da-da daaaaaaaaah!
Someone refilled the Gatorade jug! Daaaaaaah… da-da-da da da da da-da daaaaaaaaah!
Yeah… I hate that song. And thus, I hate USC.
Do USC alums play this song whenever they do something good at work? Like, they have a wav file of that song on their computer that they can play over and over? For example, you’re working in your cubicle and in the next cubicle over, you hear:
“I just closed the Patel account!” Daaaaaaah… da-da-da da da da da-da daaaaaaaaah!
“This electric pencil sharpener rules!” Daaaaaaah… da-da-da da da da da-da daaaaaaaaah!
“I got the last cherry-filled donut!” Daaaaaaah… da-da-da da da da da-da daaaaaaaaah!
This kind of stuff keeps me up at night.
(4) Texas beats (13) New Mexico State - This should actually be Kevin Durant beats New Mexico State. Texas should change their name to Kevin Durant University. And all the players would have Kevin Durant University on the front of their jerseys. Except for Kevin Durant, who would have Me University on his.
(11) George Washington beats (6) Vanderbilt - Women’s fashion designer vs. the father of our country. I think George could beat Gloria in basketball even though basketball wasn’t invented when he was alive. I mean, he’s not only money… he’s ON money!
(3) Washington State vs. (14) Oral Roberts - Until I tune in to Oral Roberts’ TV show and see him spin-move around his choir and post-up one of his altar boys, I’m goin’ with Washington State on this one.
(7) Boston College vs. (10) Texas Tech
(2) Georgetown vs. (15) Belmont
South Bracket
(1) Ohio State beats (16) Central Conn State - Central. Connecticut. State? Who the heck is that? I watch a decent amount of college basketball and I’ve never heard of Central Connecticut State. Do people in Connecticut even know where Central Connecticut State is? Although, if I had to guess, it’s probably somewhere in the middle of Connecticut.
Why do they even need “Central” in their name? Since they’re in the middle, shouldn’t they just be Connecticut State? Then, all of the other State Universities could still be North, South, East and West.
I don’t know where I’m going with this… but that “Central” part bugs me, so they’ll lose.
(9) Xavier beats (8) BYU - Xavier’s starting five: Cyclops, Wolverine, Iceman, Beast and Colossus. I don’t even need to see BYU’s players, there’s no way they’re beating Xavier.
Why doesn’t Professor Xavier’s School for Gifted Children have basketball teams? THEY WOULD RULE! Men’s AND women’s! Who’s gonna beat them? The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants don’t even have a campus!
(5) Tennessee vs. (12) Long Beach State
(13) Albany beats (4) Virginia - Hey, my shop is in Albany! Sure, it’s Albany, California and not Albany, wherever-the-heck-their-university-is, but still! Everyone here can run around outside yelling, “ALBANY’S IN THE NCAA TOURNAMENT! WOOHOO!” and after the game, “ALBANY BEAT VIRGINIA!!”
Then, everyone here should come in to the shop and buy stuff.
(6) Louisville beats (11) Stanford - Cal fan = Stanford hater. So, I’m rooting for a final score of Louisville 402, Stanford 0 and hopefully, a light fixture will fall from the roof and hit Stanford coach Trent Johnson in the head, causing him to sing songs from the musical Annie in the middle of the game. Anything less will be disappointing.
Don’t worry Trent, the sun will come out… tomorrow!
(3) Texas A&M beats (14) Pennsylvania - Oh sure, these Ivy League kids are smart and one day, the Texas A&M kids will be at work, asking these future Penn graduates if they would like to supersize for 39 cents more.
But hey, this is basketball. No slide rules and protractors allowed.
Contrary to popular belief, I did not own a slide rule. I barely missed out on the slide rule generation. I never used one… although I did experiment on an abacus at one point.
I remember I had a hand-held calculator in the 5th grade. “Hand-held” meaning it was bigger than my hand and about two or three inches thick. It could add, subtract, divide and multiply. That’s it. None of those fancy-schmancy Memory keys or crap like that. It could handle eight digits. If you tried nine digits, it would give you a “E”. It had a red LED display and ate through batteries like they were candy. It probably cost like 40 bucks back then.
“Memory!?! Memorize it yourself! What, you want me to do ALL the work!?!”
The one thing I remember the most about my calculator is the Shell Oil calculator trick. I don’t even remember the joke that accompanied it. I just remember that you typed in 14215469 and multiplied it by 5. The result spells out “Shell Oil” if you turned the calculator upside down. That number has been ingrained in my head ever since.
I would then spend hours/days trying to figure out what other words I could spell with my calculator. Then, I would try to figure out equations that would result in words that I could spell with my calculator. That probably didn’t do wonders for my calculator’s battery life… or my grades.
And I had a protractor with a french curve on it, but the only thing I would use it for would be to draw brontosauruses with the french curve.
OKAY! Back to basketball!
(10) Creighton beats (7) Nevada - Creighton. Just say it. Creighton. What a cool name. Creiiiiiighton. I have no idea where Creighton is. I don’t know why their school is called Creighton. I don’t know any player on Creighton’s team. But I’m picking them cuz they have a cool name.
Creighton. Someone should name their kid Creighton.
Creiiiiiighton.
(2) Memphis beats (15) North Texas - North Texas hasn’t been the same since Kathy Ireland stopped kicking field goals.
The Howard Jones Song Response Chart 
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