September 7, 2005
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DISREGARD THAT DATE ABOVE! EVERYONE KNOWS IT’S REALLY…
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Welcome to Part Two of…
The Quest for the Sunbeam King Size Electric Warming Mattress Pad
or, more aptly titled…
Get This Over With and Blog About Something Else, Dram!
It’s December 23rd… and I have to work until 7:30pm. After work, I hop in my car and head in the opposite direction from yesterday to hit more malls. I have less than three precious hours of mall hopping left in the Christmas season (I have work and a family get-together on the 24th).
By Day 2, I am the Indiana Jones of mattress pad finders. *begin humming Indiana Jones theme song here* I enter a department store, find the escalator, head directly to the top floor (except for Sears, where they put them on the bottom floor), dodge the deadly poisonous needles shooting out of the walls, spot the comforter section and within 30 seconds, I’m perusing mattress pads. Two minutes later, I’m walking to the next store cuz they didn’t have a king size electric mattress pad.
First stop… Hilltop Mall. I walk through Macy’s, Sears and JC Penney and of course, there are electric mattress pads galore and of course, they have everything except king size.
I pass by a See’s, so I decide to buy some chocolate covered cherries, just in case I can’t find the mattress pad. I go in and immediately find them… oh sure, THIS I find with no problems! There’s no price, but I figure they must be kinda expensive, so I order a half-pound. The candy lady (for lack of a better term) places about twelve chocolate cherries in a box. The price? Seven dollars.
Seven freaking dollars. What kind of a gift is that when compared to the warm, comfy goodness of an electric warming mattress pad!?! I determined that I had two choices… I could either find the doggone electric mattress pad or I could buy her 12 pounds of chocolate covered cherries.
So, back to the quest at hand.
Pinole Mervyn’s? Nope. Target in Pleasant Hill? Nope. Some no-name mattress store in Pleasant Hill? Nope. Macy’s Home Store in Concord? Now, if ever there was a place that would have this thing, it would be this store. Macy’s Home Store consists of two floors of nothing but… well, home stuff. I walk in and almost the entire lower floor is filled with beds and bedding. THIS IS IT! It had so much bed stuff, it took me awhile to even find the mattress pads. I walk around and find an entire aisle of Sunbeam Electric Warming Mattress Pads. There’s like… millions of them here! Wahooooooo!
I find a king size, skip along to the register, pay the $69.95 plus tax and speed on home, my quest fulfilled!
The End!
At least that’s what I thought was gonna happen. But nooOOOOOooo… after looking through a million mattress pads (that takes a long time, you know), I end up finding ZERO king size.
So now, I’m crushed. It’s 9:20pm as I step into Sun Valley Mall. The mall closes at 10pm, so this will probably be my last hope at finding this infernal thing (woohoo, I used “infernal”… I had to look it up to make sure it meant what I thought it meant).
I’m in full desperation mode as I walk through the mall, winding my way around numerous shoppers. Now, when I’m walking by myself, I tend to walk pretty fast. Since I’m in desperation mode, I’m probably moving at a slow jog. In fact, I’m probably a sliver away from breaking down and sobbing while I run aimlessly down the mall corridor blubbering, “Mattress pad! Mattress paaaaaaaaad!”
But still, there’s people out here strolling about, looking like they haven’t a care in the world, like they’re taking their morning constitutional (I have no idea exactly what this means, since people stopped using this phrase in 1927… but I’m guessing that morning constitutionals aren’t very speedy).
Why are people walking so slow in the mall? IT’S DECEMBER 23RD, PEOPLE! WE’VE REACHED PANIC TIME! At this point of the Christmas shopping season, malls should be allowing you to drive your car inside the mall to get from shop to shop faster!
“Lots of space in this mall”
So, I go through the motions of walking in and out of bedding departments and enter my last hope… Sears. It’s 9:40pm and I’ve run out of both malls and time. I walk into Sears… the same Sears that I bought another gift for someone a couple of days earlier. Why didn’t I look for a mattress pad while I was there earlier? Cuz I was still hung up on the “it’s at Target, I’ll get it there” idea.
Yeah, I know… I’m dumb.
I immediately spot the bedding department and quickly find some electric mattress pads. I flip through their selection, pick up the final mattress pad and it’s… twin size. Just as I was about to see how far I could throw a twin size electric mattress pad while screaming in frustration, I look just below them and see…
I pause. It looks like a mattress pad, but it’s really puffy. And it says “pillow” on it. Is it a pillow warming pad? No, it’s a mattress pad with little quilted pillow thingys to make it comfier or something. I pick it up to check the size…
it says “King”.
Waiting for the inevitable other shoe to drop, I claw at the plastic wrapping to see if the “california” part of the size is obscured. No, this truly is a king size mattress pad. I read the front again to make sure that it’s an electric mattress pad. Yup. I check the size again. “King”. I flip it back over and read the front again… electric mattress pad… what’s the size? King.
I can’t believe that in the very last store I’m able to visit, I actually found what I was looking for? Could it be? Finally, has the end of my quest arrived!?! Yes indeed! The ol’ Dram perseverance prevails yet again! WOOHOO! Okay, how much is it?
When I woke up, a sales person and security guard were standing above me. “Are you okay, sir?”, the sales person said. I got to my feet and assured them I was fine and mumbled something about low blood sugar and an infectious disease and they left me alone.
Holy crap… this was no ordinary sticker shock. It was like a sticker taser. It was like a sticker lightning bolt fashioned from the hands of Odin himself. It was like… well, I ran out of inane, over-blown comparisons, but I think you get the idea.
THREE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN DOLLARS!?!
…AND NINETY-NINE CENTS!?!
I immediately started to think of reasons why it was so expensive…
- Was this $319.99 Canadian? Cuz then that would only be like twelve bucks in real, US money. No, it was indeed american currency.
- Does it come with free TiVo or something? Nope… not even a free toaster.
- Why do these little pillow thingys make this thing cost so much more!?! Are they filled with dollar bills? Gold dust? Crack?
- When you wake up in the morning and take a shower, does this mattress pad go into the kitchen and make you breakfast? I’d probably buy one for myself for $319.99 if it did that… well, unless it kept burning my toast.
If I smash all the little pillow thingys until the mattress pad is flat, can I buy it for $69.95? The sales person gave me a blank look when I asked this, so alas, I was denied that route.
I then discovered that it was 50% off, so that was… better. I literally stood there for five minutes, staring at this mattress pad, contemplating if I should buy it. To further taunt me, they had five of these mattress pads on the shelf… and four of them were king size.
Doggone pillow thingys.
Okay, do I buy the mattress pad or do I stick with the chocolate covered cherries? I know that good things come in small packages, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that “chocolate covered cherries” isn’t quite in the same class as “diamond ring” or “diamond necklace”.
But man, we’re talkin’ 160 bucks! And yes, I do realize that my aunt would be just as happy with chocolate covered cherries as she would with the mattress pad. But still, how can you compare something she would use every cold night, producing a comfier and more restful sleep compared to six pieces of candy that will probably end up making her want to do some sit-ups or something to burn off the calories? I mean, it’s a no-brainer, right!?!
So after a few days, I asked my aunt how she liked her present and she said they were a little stale.
I’m kidding… I got her the mattress pad and also gave her the cherries.
Welp, I gotta go, cuz I gotta watch Cal kick the crap out of Texas Tech in the Holiday Bowl! Hope everyone has a Happy New Year!
The end!
Or is it? DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN- OW! Okay, yeah, it’s the end! Stop pelting me with papayas!
- Was this $319.99 Canadian? Cuz then that would only be like twelve bucks in real, US money. No, it was indeed american currency.
Comments (14)
I should get a free matress pad just because I commented first!! I’ll be sitting patiently by my postal outlet waiting for it.
You’re an awesome nephew for going through SOOO much trouble for your aunt… that’s just… well, not human
But that’s a good thing!!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a post office to loiter
Hahaha..aww..what a good nephew! You made me want to buy one of those mattress pads but seriously, how cold would it get in southern california anyway?
You’re such a good nephew! I would have bought two twins and sewed them together and told her it was a new dual control heated mattress pad.
Is it spring yet? Time to get the seeds out for the garden but first a morning constitutional. Which I thought was a term for a… erm “download in the smallest room in the house”.
geez louise….i haven’t bought something that expensive since last week! GOSSSH!
I probably wouldn’t have gotten the pad if it cost that much. Seriously, I don’t even get my aunt anything. But she doesn’t get anything for me either, so it is all good.
jajajaja!! bugthis stole my line. i agree with him. buy two twins, sew it together *blindstitch* and throw in a hello kitty sticker on it. everything is good with hello kitty chan.
12 lbs of chocolate covered cherries sounds a little too heavy for an asian auntie.
ooops.. i got too excited. i said “jajajaja”.
Can we still toss tomatoes?
That is one expensive mattress pad. Pay for it in blood money!
Where have you been? I’m married to another man now… and no, you cannot see your son. :-p
mmmm papayas!
that IS scott. hmm…who are you??? you’re a funny guy that’s all i know from what i read. let me take a wild guess…you’re on his bball league?
Great story!
LMAO! Haha, your blogs are so funny! I almost burst out laughing in my con law class. (Actually I was stiffling laugther, which was kinda’ hard and sorta’ awkward.) Anyways, “wah wah wah wah wah!”
And good luck with your bball season!