The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 12

 

Seeing how we’re coming up on that whole Jesus birthday thing, I figured that it would be appropriate to end The Twelve Days of Dram by blogging about the guy that’s responsible for me getting presents.

Oh sure, he was the Son of God, but some of you may not be aware that Jesus actually had a job.  That’s right, he didn’t just roam the earth walking on water, pulling hundreds of fish out of a hat and making everyone feel guilty with that whole “let him who is without sin cast the first stone” thing, but he also worked as a carpenter.

Now, wouldn’t he have been the best carpenter in the history of carpentry?  Come on!  It’s Jesus!  His carpentry would’ve been the stuff of legends!  If you go visit the Carpentry Hall of Fame, Jesus sure better be the first carpenter you see when you walk in!

Just think how much work Jesus would’ve had!  He’d have people lined up for months for his services!  I gotta figure that when news of Jesus’ execution spread, there had to be at least a couple of people who said, “Aw crap!  Now I’m NEVER gonna get that new rec room!”

Okay… I’m not really sure they said “Aw crap” back then, so insert something else like “Forsooth!” or “Egads!” if you need this blog to be truer to the time period.  Actually, I might have to start using “Forsooth!” again… that would kinda rule.

Anyway, how did Jesus get so good at carpentry?  Did someone actually teach him or did he just pick up a miter saw one day and start building cathedrals?  I mean, the guy that did teach Jesus carpentry would be set for life.  He could go on late night TV with a 1/2 hour informercial and state:

“Learn from the guy who taught Jesus!”

And who’s gonna argue with his techniques?  All he’d have to do is point out that Jesus was his pupil and everyone would have to figure that he’d know what he was talkin’ about.  Are you going to listen to some old, B.C.-age carpentry teacher down at Bethlehem U. or are you gonna listen to the guy that taught Jesus how to install a ceiling fan?

Why didn’t The Bible explore this carpentry subject a little more?  You gotta figure that at least ONE disciple wrote a book chronicling Jesus’ God-like carpentry exploits.  One of the books in The Bible is titled “Job”, but I read through that whole thing and it didn’t have crap about Jesus being a carpenter.

Wouldn’t that have been a great addition to The Bible to further show how cool Jesus was?  I gotta figure that it exists somewhere and must’ve got lost during printing.  Not sure where that book would’ve appeared in The Bible, but obviously, it would be in the New Testament.  My guess is, it’d go something like, “Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Timber Framing”.

I’m tellin’ ya, this lost book of The Bible probably explains a lot of mysteries of The Bible.  Maybe the twelve disciples were co-workers.  Or perhaps they were former customers that were so moved after seeing Jesus’ unparalleled carpentry, they decided to follow him around.

The Holy Grail?  Probably a thermos.

There’s debate even today about who was responsible for crucifying Jesus.  Was it the Romans?  The Jews?  Well, I betcha this lost book would put an end to that debate.  Don’t believe me?  Well, here’s my theory…

What do you think it would’ve been like to be a carpenter during this time?  I mean, not only are your prospective customers comparing your skills against the Son of God’s, but material things meant nothing to Jesus!  So, his carpentry fees were practically at cost!  How are you gonna compete against that!?!  You’d go broke trying to compete!

So, by using simple deduction, after Jesus kept taking everyone’s jobs away, I’m pretty sure the people responsible for nailing Jesus to the cross were members of Jerusalem’s Carpenters Local Union Number 27!

 

Welp, that’s it for The Twelve Days of Dram!  Hope you enjoyed it more than I enjoyed posting it! Actually, you BETTER have enjoyed it more, since it was way more work than I thought it was gonna be!

Happy Holidays, everybody!

And don’t forget, Dramamine Boy stickers are still available!  There’s plenty left!  SOMEONE BUY SOMETHING!

The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 11

FAILED BLOGS

Not every idea here at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga ends up as a blog.  While some ideas that Dramamine Boy’s Xanga staff members come up with are immediately dismissed and the staff member flogged, there are some ideas that get approved, worked on extensively and then are later found to be deemed unworthy… which requires extra flogging.  Here’s some ideas that were kicked around here at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga for a blog, but never made the cut.

AMC Moviecard -

This is my MovieWatcher card (and as you can see, it’s been used quite a bit).  After using it for awhile, it was deemed blog-worthy and the following was written up: 

AMC (and apparently a few other movie theaters) have this rewards card you can sign up for where you can get free popcorn, sodas and even tickets.  My cousin told me about it, so I signed up for it.  This is perhaps the greatest thing ever!  For years I’ve been going to movies and I never got crap for free.  Now, every three or four visits, I get free stuff!

When I first got this card, I started going to all sorts of movies just to earn points so I could get free stuff.  Who cares if the movie was crappy… I’m only 2 points away from getting a free popcorn!  If they came out with Ishtar 2 back then, I probably would’ve been first in line.

Also, Wednesdays are “free popcorn” days, so Wednesdays are my new favorite day to see a movie.  How many of my friends want to see movies on Wednesdays?  Zero.  That’s okay… more popcorn for me!  Here’s the schedule of rewards you get:

What’s it say about the profit margin of popcorn if they’d rather give you a free popcorn before they give you a free small soda that they charge you $4.00 for!?!

And… well, that’s all that ended up being written.  Not very blog-worthy, I must say.

Trip to Japan - I really want to go to Japan one of these days and a blog was going to be written about it.  But until that happens, I was going to take a trip to Japan… through the internet.  So, I have this pic:

and it was gonna be inserted into all sorts of pictures of Japan found on the internet.  For example:

Then, stupid touristy things were going to be written about each picture, as if I actually went there.  But as you can see, all the pictures look crappy, except for maybe the last one.  This is not only because the picture I’m using is low quality to begin with, but also matching the brightness/contrast of the surrounding picture hadn’t been a part of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga’s Photoshop repertoire yet (and actually, it still isn’t).

BayStars Update - Boy, I haven’t posted one of these in awhile!  That’s because the BayStars had yet another lackluster season, languishing near the bottom of the standings for most of the year before turning it on at the end of the year and… ending up in last.

Anyway, one of the BayStars updates was going to be my letter to Peter Gammons (who is the baseball expert on ESPN), but nothing else was written other than what is below:

Dear Mr. Gammons,

Knowing that your knowledge of baseball is not just confined to Major League Baseball, what do you think the effect of the BayStars’ hiring of Daisuke Yamashita will have on the BayStars?  Don’t you think that his hiring will put the BayStars on track to break all Japan League performance records and win championships for as long as he wishes to manage? In fact, don’t you think his hiring will stimulate the entire Japanese economy and quite possibly put an end to all wars around the world for eternity?

Thanks,
Dramamine Boy

 

Dear Mr. Boy, Get lost. Sincerely, Peter Gammons

WELL EXCUSE ME, MISTER BASEBALL “EXPERT”!

Kill Bill -

Before I went to see this movie, it seemed to be the perfect movie to spawn a Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blog.  The reason?  If you didn’t see the movie, the synopsis goes something like this:

Scrawny white woman kills a bunch of highly trained asian assassins

If there was ever a time to reel off a “doggone asian discrimination, I tell you”, this would be the time.  But, that was pretty much all I had to say about the movie.  Well, that and my hypothesis that the reason the Crazy Eighty-Eights all wore masks is because Hollywood didn’t want to hire 88 asian actors, so they added in a bunch of white guys. 

Other than that, the only story I have is about when I went to go see Kill Bill.

One night, I was talking to Ben and Cindy on MSN and I mentioned that I hadn’t seen Kill Bill yet.  They replied as if I just told them I eat baby birds for a living.

“WHAT!?!  WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!?!  GO OUT AND SEE IT RIGHT NOW!!”

By that time, however, Kill Bill wasn’t playing in the regular theaters anymore.  The closest theater it was playing at was the Elmwood in Berkeley.  Now, I had never been to the Elmwood, but it’s been there forever.  It now plays movies that are no longer at the main cinemas and it only costs something like $5.50 to see a movie.

It’s truly an old-school type theater.  I walked in and there was one person at the tiny, sorry excuse for a concession stand.  I get a popcorn and soda and walk into the theater.  There’s no music playing, no stadium seating and there’s a curtain in front of the movie screen.  I sit down on the tattered seat and a spring greets my butt.

The lights dim and there were no previews, no THX “The Audience is Listening” promo (heck, I’m not even sure if there was stereo), no dancing popcorn and sodas telling me to visit the tiny, sorry excuse for a concession stand… just the curtain opening and boom, the movie starts.

Now, those of you that have seen the movie know that the beginning was made to look like a ’70s style movie, complete with pops and hisses and pieces of dust and stuff on the screen.  For those that hadn’t seen the movie (e.g. me), I’m sitting there in my crummy seat thinking…

“Whaaaaat kind of CRAPPY THEATER did I just sit down in!?!”

I almost walked out!  Heck if I was paying $5.50 to watch a print of a movie that looked like something that was downloaded off the internet!  I can do that for free!

Man… actually, that was a lot of information.  Maybe I shoulda used that for a blog.

Stereograms -

Remember these?  They were also called “Magic Eye”.  At first glance, they look like a repetitive pattern, but if you stare at them correctly, they contain a 3D image.  I remember these things would appear in the Sunday comics and I’d sit there forever trying to see the image. So, a committee was formed to create a blog about them, but all that ended up happening was the creation of this:

Blogging once an hour - This idea actually ended up evolving into The Twelve Days of Dram, except instead of blogging once per day, it would’ve been once per hour.  It woulda been like the blogging version of “24″.  But heck, it’s hard enough to come up with something to blog about once a week, much less once an hour!  However, little ideas to come up during the day… not enough to warrant blogging about, but significant thoughts nonetheless.  For example, when Matt Leinart won the Heisman Trophy, did anyone else think he looked like a Chia Pet?

 

So who knows, maybe this “blogging once an hour” idea will surface one of these days.  Maybe that’ll be the day I choose to sleep for 18 hours.  That’d make things much easier.

Let the floggings commence.

The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 10

Today’s calendar image is dedicated to Iagos_envy, who ALSO decided to give a shout-out on his blog about The Twelve Days of Dram!  Woohoo!  Spread the word everyone!

Why a dog, you ask?  Well, I hopped on Google’s image search engine and typed in “iagos” and that’s the first thing that popped up… that dog.  Beats the crap out of me why.  Then, I decided to type in “dramamine boy” and only three images popped up…

What the heck!?!  Why is that page with the sailor guy ahead of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga!?!  And what does Dramamine Boy have to do with that men-only cruise picture on the right?  I’ve never been on a cruise, nor would I want to be on a cruise bereft of women!  Let me strongly proclaim that I have no affiliation with that site!

Anyway, I typed in “dramamineboy” and it came up with a page full of random Dramamine Boy’s Xanga pictures.  Ahhhh, the memories.

Well, since I’m kinda in the mood to bounce around from topic to topic, this might be a good time for another edition of…

aka “Doode, that was a sad attempt for a blog”

Yes, it’s been over a year since the last Dram Thoughts, which is probably a good thing.  For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, it’s basically a lot of ideas that are too short (or stupid) to have a blog entry of their own, so we accumulate them all here to try to pass them off as something interesting!  Onward!

There’s a lady at my bank that’s like the nicest person in the world.  So nice, that if there’s a such a thing as being too nice, that would be her.  In fact, she’s so nice, she’s annoying.  Extremely annoying.  Teeth-grittingly annoying.  I mean, I’ve been accused on more than one occasion on being too nice, but this is different.  It’s like a fake kind of nice.  It’s as if in bank teller school, they told her that the nicer she was, the more money she’d make.  So nice, that in order to cancel out the excessive niceness to become a normal person, she’d have to go home after work every day and torture kittens in her basement.

Do you remember that Bank One commercial that was advertising their different credit card designs (like one for the World Wildlife Fund, etc.)?  There’s a lady working at a register and as each person comes up to her with a new Bank One card, she makes a I’m-trying-to-be-funny-but-I’m-not-so-funny comment?  Like, “Oh, Bank One!  Top o’ the mornin’ to ya!  I’m not really Irish, I just like saying that”?  She’s EXACTLY like that.

 

Yeah, THIS commercial!

And I always seem to get her as my teller.  ALWAYS!  So, I have to stand there and listen to her corny remarks, which does nothing but slow down her actual job of processing my deposit, prolonging my torture.

One day, another teller from that bank came into my shop and somehow, she brought up that teller and let out a little sigh.  Good lord, I just can’t imagine how grueling it would be to listen to her make bad jokes all day long, day after day.  Personally, I’d probably snap and end up in prison.  So I said, “It must be… interesting to work with her all day”.  And she said, “Yeah, let’s just say she hasn’t had a man in awhile”.

That kind of puzzled me, so I asked what she meant and she answered, “Well, she’s always flirting with all the men that come into the bank.  Some of the things she says are just shocking!  I’m waiting for someone to complain.”

So now I’m thinking, “Hey, she never tried to hit on me… WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!?!”

Rejection truly does make you want things you don’t really want.

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It’s pretty cool to have a song stuck in your head to hum or whistle during the day… kinda makes the day go by faster.  But not if that song is the “I like steak and chicken” song from the Applebee’s commercial.

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There’s a movie coming out next month called White Noise.  I will go on record right now and state that I will not be seeing this movie.  As some of you know, I used to hate scary movies.  Now, they don’t bother me, but I still don’t go to them.  But this one is based on Electronic Voice Phenomenon, which supposedly is a real-life way of recording dead people talking to you.  Real-life ghost stuff freaks me the heck out.

After watching the trailer, I was kinda confused as to how these spirits were talking to people.  Where are they?  Are they all around us?  Are dead people are talking to me from my toaster or something? 

So when I got home, I decided to look this EVP thing up on the internet, which as everyone knows is the source of everything true.  And heck, there’s all sorts of webpages about this EVP thing!  Even one of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga readers, kmarie1078, has experienced this kind of stuff.

And I also stumbled across this site.  Holy crap, man.  I spent like an hour on this site, listening to their recordings and stuff.  People go out to cemeteries with a tape recorder and start asking questions to dead people in the middle of the night!  While I’m sure this is a barrel of fun rolled up in a big ball of joy, I’m gonna pass.

Listening to these things make me feel all oogy.  Just try sitting all alone in a dark room, with nothing but the illumination of your computer screen keeping you from being enveloped by the eerie blackness of night and listen to this one from ghostwave.com. 

I’ll be hiding under my bed tonite… with a bat… a ghost-killing bat.

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On the forum of the server that I usually play Counter-Strike on, someone put up a topic asking people to post a picture of their computer desk and computer that they use to play CS.  So, I posted the following…

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Taco Bell has sent me a letter!  If I had a scanner here at home that worked, I’d scan it for you.  It’s a FORM LETTER!  Well, at least it looks like a form letter.  If it said something like, “Yeah, that cashier is a moron”, I’d feel much better, but no.  Just a lot of mumbo-jumbo (woohoo… mumbo-jumbo) about how Taco Bell strives to ensure that all of their restaurants meet every consumer’s expectations and blah blah blah.  Nothing about firing incompetent, lying workers or re-naming the Spicy Chicken Burrito “The Dram-rrito”.

They did give me a coupon for two free items of my choice.  But what the heck, it expires in February!?!  What kind of crap is that?  “Here’s something we give to you as an apology, but if you don’t use it in the next couple of months, we’re taking it back”!?!

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And finally, here’s a little something that I suggest everyone should pick up if you have the chance.  It’s really helped Dramamine Boy’s Xanga get to where it is today… wherever that is.

 

The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 9

Overdue Edition
December 21, 2004

Scandal Rocks Xanga

Xangaland - As the trial against Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative’s illegal distribution of steroids continues, more and more names are surfacing as customers of BALCO’s performance-enhancing network.  Over the past months, investigators have uncovered evidence linking steroid use to top-name athletes in all major sports.  Now, the Xanga Times has learned that they have turned their attention to the blogging community.

The steroid spotlight is currently being focused on the blogging community called Xanga.com.  While other blogging communities, such as LiveJournal, routinely screens their members for steroid use, Xanga’s Terms of Use features no policy whatsoever.  Former Xanga members have estimated the percentage of Xanga members using steroids at 60 to 70 percent.

An expert on blogging offered her analysis: “Honest bloggers who put in a lot of work to attempt to appear on the Featured Content page are at a distinct disadvantage. They can’t compete with those bloggers that are using artificial help like testosterone, human growth hormone and spell-check to dominate the Featured Content list and are continually denied inclusion.  With these cheaters hogging the spotlight, the honest people don’t get discovered and end up either leaving Xanga or turning to steroids themselves.”

“Dude, there be tons o’ fools usin’ steroids”, remarked one former Xanga member.  “I blogged hecka long about school an’ mah girl and whatnot and never got on Featured Content ONCE!  So, they gotta be cheatin’!  That’s whack!”

With charges of steroid use hovering over the Xanga community, there have been numerous Xanga bloggers being targeted as possible users.  For example, rumors have recently been flying around Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Headquarters ever since the beginning of a promotion called “The Twelve Days of Dram”.  A few Dramamine Boy’s Xanga readers offered up some doubts that the sudden increase in blogs is natural.

“Dram only blogs a few times a month and then suddenly he’s able to blog twelve straight days in a row?”, stated one reader.  “Doesn’t anyone find that suspicious?”

“With all the rumors and the freaky increase in blogging, what are people supposed to think?”, says another reader.  “Even if he does make it to Day 12, I think it’ll be a tainted accomplishment.”

Finger-pointing reached a fever pitch at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga yesterday when the Xanga Times obtained previously sealed grand jury documents from the BALCO trial.  According to those documents, a recently fired Dramamine Boy’s Xanga employee, who testified under the cloak of anonymity, took the stand and said:

“Chuckie see everything!  Mr. Motivator rub cream on heads of staff to make staff smarter!  Mr. Motivator inject clear in hands to prevent staff from getting typing cramps!  Mr. Motivator say it flaxseed oil, but Chuckie no trust Mr. Motivator.

When asked if Dramamine Boy himself was directly involved, the anonymous ex-employee stated, “Chuckie no see Master Dram with steroid.  Chuckie no know if Master Dram know anything about steroid.  Chuckie too busy hiding from hungry tiger to know for sure.”

When confronted with the news of the BALCO trial, Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Headquarters released the following statement:

“We categorically deny any wrongdoing here at Dramamine Boy’s Xanga.  We have never purchased any steroids, never distributed steroids and never witnessed any of our staff using steroids.  Come down to Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Headquarters and see for yourself!  We welcome an investigation!  We have nothing to hide!”

“Uh… give us a couple of weeks to, um… clean up the place first.”

The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 8

Today’s image on the Dram calendar is dedicated to sydney_chickie for her kind shout-out advertising The Twelve Days of Dram!  It’s a blue moon… YES, I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE A MARBLE!  But it really is a blue moon… it makes more sense if you click on her site, so go there!

Okay… go blog!

In the history of television, there have been programs that have transcended the mundane and have reached iconic status.  The Ed Sullivan Show… M*A*S*H… and of course, Cop Rock.  But, perhaps the greatest television show of them all was…

That’s right, Speed Racer.  That peppy little cartoon from Japan that stole the hearts of kids nationwide.  Each week, we were entertained with the exploits of Mr. Speed Racer and his family.  What kind of parents would name their kid “Speed”, you ask?  Why, parents that are named “Pops” and “Mom”, that’s who!

The entire Racer family… complete with pet and clingy girlfriend

Why would you name your kid “Pops”?  And how ironic was it for him to find a wife named “Mom”?  I’m sure the odds have got to be astronomical, even for the 1960s.  How much do you think they got picked on at school with names like that?

Anyway… back to the show.

Each episode, we’d be sitting on the edge of our seats, wondering if Speed would pull off the miracle finish to win the race.  Why we found the races so suspenseful, I have no idea.  I mean, first off, the name of the show was Speed Racer… that’s gotta clue you in to who was gonna win from week to week.  You don’t go to a Harlem Globetrotters game and expect the Washington Generals to kick the crap out of Curly and Meadowlark and company, do you?

Not only that, but Speed was driving the car with the best engine and the best suspension and had mountain tires and saws and a jack that makes the car jump and it can turn into a submarine… HOW COULD HE NOT WIN!?!

How come I can’t buy a car that has stuff like that?  Why can’t I go to the car dealership and say, “I’d like to add air conditioning, the heavier suspension and two big saws that pop out of the front”?  I mean, just think how much easier would rush hour traffic be if you had those things!

With these puppies attached, you’ll be BEGGING people to cut you off on the freeways

Speed wasn’t the only guy out on the track with sharp objects, however.  The bad guys would have spikes coming out of their wheels to slash their opponent’s tires and tacks coming out of the back of their cars.  I know it was the ’60s, but didn’t they have rules back then?  If that was the case, when the announcer says, “Start your engines!”, why didn’t the racers just start lobbing grenades at each other?  Am I the only one thinking stuff like this up?

I got another question… why does Speed have a “G” on his shirt?  Sparky has a “S” on his shirt, which stands for “Sparky”.  Are we to assume that “G” apparently stands for “Speed”?  Way to totally confuse the kids out there.  I wonder how many kids were participating in their first spelling bee and…

Teacher: “Spell… speed.”

Student: “G…”

Teacher: “Off to Special Ed class with you, kid.”

We also have Racer X on the show.  Did you know that Racer X was secretly Speed’s older brother Rex Racer, who ran away from home?  NO DUH!  Not only did the producers decide to tell you that fact every time he showed up, but he’s got the same frikkin’ M on his shirt that’s painted on the Mach 5!  Shouldn’t that clue anyone in!?!

Also, why is Speed always broke?  Every week, he’s complaining about how he has to win the race so he could raise money for the trip to the next race or something.  Why didn’t he do like all the other racers do now and have a sponsor?  Ya gotta figure that if he was winning every race, sponsors would be lining up to put their stickers on his car! 

Not only would Speed have enough money, but he’d have a happy Trixie as well

You don’t hear Kevin Harvick saying, “Well gosh I really wish I could win this race so I could make enough money to help Pops build a new engine for the Mach 5 and that would be groovy!”

And that’s another thing.  Everyone on this show talked in one big run-on sentence.  It was like they were all on PCP or something.  For example,

“That’s Spritle Sparky and Chimm-Chimm down there I wonder what happened to Speed I think something might be wrong I better go down there and see if they’re okay hmmmm”.

What an ingenious idea.  Just think how much extra information they were able to fit in each episode when everyone gave their dialogs in one big breath, having no regard for any laws of punctuation whatsoever… why, it’s just like reading a typical Xanga blog!

And… um… I guess that’s it.  I really don’t have an ending for this blog and it’s after 3:30am, so I’ll end this blog by saying…

“I don’t have an ending for this blog”

The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 7

NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo…

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Update: *munching on sympathy bon-bons from da_cheese_gurl*  Mmmmm… what was I so worked up about again?

OH YEAH!  YUTA!  Doggone those Phoenix Suns!  What are they thinking!?!  “Oh, we have the best team in the league right now… let’s change things!”  No wonder these bozos haven’t won a world championship yet!

And yes, I know it’s not his fault, but Jackson Vroman, the guy that replaced Yuta on the roster, shall now be referred to as “The Anti-Yuta”.

So, until some team wises up and gives Yuta a job, we present the final rendition of…

 The Yuta (unemployment) Line!

Games Played	Suns Record When Yuta Plays	NBA Teams Played For/Cut From	Dumb Teams Played For/Cut From	Lockers Cleaned Out	Current Japanese Players in NBA	Suns Games Dram Will Watch	Yuta Jersey Orders Canceled	Vroman Voodoo Dolls Created
4	4-0	2/2	2/2	1	0	0	42,326	1

Ah crap… I ran out of bon-bons.

The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 6

As I’ve stated before, I really don’t get into these online quizzes.  Until someone makes a scientifically correct quiz (like this really, really accurate one right here), I’m just not interested in wasting time answering all those questions just to get some bogus result.

Lately, there’s been a lot of quizzes where all you have to do is type your name in and it gives you a result… sort of like a window into your personality.  I’m not sure how these things can be considered a “quiz”… I guess you fail if you can’t remember your name?

I’ve avoided these things anyway just on principle, but I saw this one on a lot of Xanga sites awhile ago (okay… a LONG while ago) and decided to try it out…

How to make a Dramamine Boy

Ingredients: 1 part jealousy 5 parts brilliance 3 parts energy

Method: Layer ingredients in a shot glass. Add caring to taste! Do not overindulge!

WHAT THE HECK!?! 1 PART JEALOUSY!?! See, this is why I hate these quiz thingys! They’re so doggone inaccurate!

GRRRR! I HATE PEOPLE THAT DIDN’T GET JEALOUSY ON THEIR QUIZ!!

On the fifth day of Dra-am, my true-love gave to me… five Dram da M.CCCCCCCCCCCCCs!

The Twelve Days of Dram – Day Five

Ever since Dramamine Boy’s Xanga debuted, there’s been one question that has remained unanswered.  One question that is on the minds of not only every Dramamine Boy’s Xanga staff member, but also on the minds of all of the readers out there.  And that question is…

How can Dram make money doing this?

Years have passed (I missed my 2nd Xangaversary on the 10th, BTW ) and the answer to this question has remained elusive.  I even hired some professional experts to help:

But alas, even the Underpants Gnomes could not provide me with a solution… UNTIL TODAY!  That’s right, just in time for the holidays, it’s…

The Dramamine Boy’s Xanga CafePress site!

They’re perfect gifts for the person who has everything!  Actually, they’re also perfect gifts for the people who have some stuff and the people that have nothing (I don’t discriminate)!  There’s stuff here for everyone!  Need a baby gift?

The Dramamine Boy Teddy Bear is your solution!  Got a golfer to buy for?

Who WOULDN’T want a Dramamine Boy Golf Shirt!?!  Are you finding it hard to buy something for grandma?

Just imagine the joy on her face when she’s chillin’ in her Dram da MC t-shirt while sippin’ a wine cooler from her very own Dram da MC mug!  And you better hurry!  Cuz as soon as word gets out, you’re gonna see Flava Flav with THIS around his neck!

Yes, it’s the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Stupid Hat Clock!

There’s eighteen different items on the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga CafePress site!  That’s like… one thing for every day of the month!  If, you know, it was February… and you don’t count the time that you’re asleep… and weekends.

The Dramamine Boy’s Xanga CafePress site has already encountered a few small problems, however.  First, none of the products can have anything to do with Xanga.  As far as I can figure after reading the Xanga Terms of Use, I can’t use the Xanga logo nor can I mention the name “Xanga”.  I don’t think I can put “Dramamine Boy’s Xanga” or even “xanga.com/dramamineboy” on anything either.  So, that kind of limits what I can do.

So, let’s run down the really cool things that you CAN’T buy.  For example, I can’t make a “Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Seal of Approval” pin.

I also can’t put the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga banner picture on any products cuz “Xanga” appears in it. 

No Dramamine Boy’s Xanga totebag… bummer.

And due to those pesky copyright laws, I can’t do anything with the following Dramamine Boy’s Xanga pictures:

No Star-Matrix movie poster!

No The Last Samurai BBQ Chef’s Apron!

No Yoda the Goalie Thong!

And another thing… I only make like $1.00 or $2.00 on every product sold!  Oh sure, that’s double what I was making while playing Bejeweled, but still!  So, I decided to make a product that has just a tad more profit margin.  And what a coincidence, it’s also my favorite item!

The Official Dramamine Boy Sticker!

Suggested retail price* $2999.99
Now only $99.99!

* Price suggestion from the O.M.D.M.O.C.P. (Organization to Make Dram Money by Over-Charging for Products)

Nothing says “I love Dram” more than purchasing something that has a 3915% markup!  Stupid CafePress won’t let me charge more than $99.99 on any product… doggone communists!  They’re stunting my financial well-being!

So yeah, the products that CafePress makes are rather limiting.  I mean, how are you gonna get rich selling buttons and shirts!?!  I can’t even sell the Ultra-Amazing Dust Collector!  So, I sent a request to CafePress to add the following products to their catalog so I can make some REAL money!

The Dramamine Boy’s Xanga M134 Mini-Gun!

Comes with the Dramamine Boy’s Xanga’s Seal of Approval!  Yes, this baby fires an impressive 4000 rounds of 7.62mm ammunition per minute!  The perfect solution for slave-driving bosses, gossipy friends and noisy dogs!  And if you happen to miss your target 4000 times, no problem!  Just fire off a few rockets from the accompanying M158 70mm rocket launcher and blow your worries away!*

*rockets sold separately

But wait, there’s more!  Buy now and we’ll throw in a box of ammo for free!

All for the low, low price of $425,000.00!

Dram Force One!

Dramamine Boy’s Xanga Approved!  Just think how impressed your friends will be when you show up to your prom in your very own airplane!  This Boeing 747 VC-25 comes with a secure, top-of-the-line communications system, a sophisticated anti-missile defense system and serves twelve different brands of root beer!

Price: $4,200,000,000.00

But until that happens, I guess I’ll have to settle for selling a few hundred rectangular stickers.

So go now and BUY, BUY, BUY (especially the stickers)!  Not only will you be helping me make money, but you’ll also be… well… you’ll just be helping me make money.

The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 4

Welcome to another installment of…

Coach Dram’s Corner

 

Those that have been paying attention around here know that I’ve been coaching basketball in an asian league for a number of years.  Looking back, there have been a number of “noteworthy” events, one of which I will share today.

I don’t recall the year that this happened or even the players on the team, but I do remember that I was coaching junior high-level kids and our team wasn’t very good.  I also recall that for the first time ever, a couple of my friends showed up to watch the game.  We were gonna go eat dinner afterwards, so I asked them to meet me at the gym.  They showed up with a couple of minutes left in the game.

The game was close the whole way through and in the last seconds, we were hanging on to a one-point lead.  The other team had the ball, missed a couple of shots and the ball bounced out of bounds… it’s our ball with one second left!

Now, all we needed to do was to inbounds the ball without the other team stealing it.  Since our team wasn’t very good, I decided to use our last time-out to set up an inbounds play, juuuuuuuust to make sure.

So, I drew up the following play:

As you can see, it is a phenomenal play.  I’m sure the Lakers will be knocking on my door soon after reading this blog, offering me their head coaching job.

Let me explain the play… there are five players: M, S, L, D and E.  The letters correspond to the player’s names (although since I don’t remember who was playing when this happened, I just made up five names).  S is to screen for L, who streaks down-court.  S then rolls towards M.  D is to fake a screen and then streak down-court also.  E fakes like he’s gonna use the screen and then flares out to the corner.  The play is designed to throw the ball down-court, with one of our guys either catching or touching it… it doesn’t matter.  Once someone touches the ball in-bounds, the clock starts and even if the other team steals the ball, they would have no time to call a time-out or advance the ball up-court.  They would have to make a 1/2 court shot to win.

See?  Genius!

We break the huddle and I look down to erase my board.  I turn to our bench to put my board on the floor and see two of my players sitting on the bench.  While this would be a normal thing in many cases, there was one small problem in this situation.

We have eight players on our team.

Before I can even look around to see where the third person is, my assistant coach says, “We got six guys on the court!”.

For those that aren’t familiar with basketball, you’re only allowed five players on the court.  If you have six players, the referees call a technical foul and the other team gets two free throws AND gets the ball.  I just went into a cold sweat.

I turn around just in time to see the ref give the ball to M.  We have no time-outs left, so I can’t solve our dilemma that way.  My mind is racing with possible solutions… run out on the court and carry one of our players off the court?  Call in a bomb threat?  Take out a tranquilizer gun and shoot both of the refs?  I never felt so helpless in my life.  We’re about to lose this game solely because one of our players wasn’t paying attention.  I sure hope his parents aren’t too fond of him, cuz I’m gonna make him run drills until he’s 40.

There’s a lot of noise from the crowd, noise from our bench yelling at one of the guys to step off the court and noise from the opponent’s bench yelling that there’s six guys on the court.  Somehow, the refs never noticed, we inbounded the ball and the game ends.  The other coach bolts onto the court, yelling that we had six players on the court.  The refs look around, but by that point, there’s all sorts of players on the court, not only our two teams, but the next two teams that were going to play the following game.  The refs shrug and walk away.  We win!

I meet up with my friends and the first thing they say is, “What the heck was that!?!  You called a time out with one second left and then you put six guys out on the court!?!”  Sure, the ONLY TIME they ever show up to one of my games and something stupid like that happens.

To this day, when my friends ask how my team is doing or whether we won or lost… there will also be some variation of “How many players did it take you guys this time?” or “What did you do this time, use the bucket of confetti trick?” or “I don’t think any other coaches have that play in their playbook!”.  Yes, my friends will truly not let anything like this die.

Doggone my friends.

The Twelve Days of Dram – Day 3!

 

What we REALLY need translated

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That’s right, people… he’s back!  After an extended stay on the injured list, Yuta Tabuse has been re-activated by the Phoenix Suns just in time to humiliate yet another opponent!  How are the Suns doing so far?  Why don’t we take a look, shall we?

FIRST PLACE, BABY!  And not only first place, but the Suns currently have the best record in the NBA!  I sure hope you all put all your money down on the Suns like I told you to!  Wondering what the current odds are for the Suns to win the NBA championship?  As you recall, before the season, the odds were 50/1.  Now?

12/1!  There’s still time!  Cash in that eBay stock!  Sell the family heirlooms!  Throw every penny you got on the Suns, so in June, you’ll all be yelling…

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 The Yuta Line!

Minutes Played	Shots Made/Att	3-pointers Made/Att	Free Throws Made/Att	Rebounds	Assists	Steals	Blocks	Turnovers	Fouls	Points
2.0	0/2	0/0	0/0	2	0	0	0	0	0	0