June 12, 2004

• It’s time to visit the only event where nerdy kids garner my attention for more than 30 seconds… better known as The Scripps National Spelling Bee!

  
  

  

  
  

  Okay, I was kinda mad that I missed the competition on ESPN this year, since it’s always packed with quality entertainment.  They replayed it on Thursday, so I was able to catch some of it.  It’s playing again on Sunday, so heck, maybe I should set my VCR or something so I can watch the whole thing.  But, since it’s time for a Dramamine Boy’s Xanga blog, I might as well give you my thoughts on what I did see of the competition.

  
  

  I think the best thing about this competition is the pressure.  You have 12-15 year-old kids on national television standing alone on stage trying to avoid looking stupid.  Oh sure, these kids are a model of calmness in the first couple of rounds.  But by the 8th round, the placards around their necks feel a little tighter, their hair is all messed up, the nerd glasses start fogging up and a few of ‘em have been chain smoking since round 5.

  
  

  

  
  

  Trevor lights up after correctly spelling “leptocercal”

  
  

  As I stated on Cindy’s blog, all I want is to have one kid crack under the pressure:

  
  

  Judge: The word is… isochronous.

  
  

  Nerd: Can I have the definition please?

  
  

  Judge: <judge answers> (yeah right, like I’d know the definition?  As if!)

  
  

  Nerd: What is the origin?

  
  

  Judge: <judge answers> (I dunno this either… the origin is from some smart guy that wanted to think up a word that nobody would use?)

  
  

  Nerd: Can you use it in a sentence?

  
  

  Judge: <judge uses it in a sentence> (my sentence would be, “Isochronous is a word that confuses and frightens me”)

  
  

  Nerd: <sweats profusely>

  
  

  *Ding!* <— that’s the “hurry up kid, time’s running out” bell

  
  

  Nerd: <hyperventilating>… DOG!  D-O-G!  DOG!  WOOF WOOF! <gets on all fours and pees on the judge>

  
  

  There was a great moment in this year’s contest that kinda came close.  Akshay Buddiga, who ended up in second place, was about to spell a word… and he fainted!  Just “plop”, right there on the stage.  After spending like five seconds on the floor (during that time, nobody tried to see if he was okay, incidentally), he got up and spelled the word correctly!  It was one of the most amazing things ever!  I mean seriously, that was the equivalent to that time Michael Jordan scored 38 points, including the game winning shot, while sick with stomach flu in the NBA Finals a few years ago.  Only instead of the greatest basketball player of all time on the greatest stage of his sport, it was a scrawny nerd kid who was trying to spell a word he’ll never use again for the rest of his life.

  
  

  So, they take him to the back to make sure he’s okay.  When it’s his turn to spell a word in the next round…

  
  

  

  
  

  They give him a chair!?!  So he gets to sit down and relax while everyone else has to stand?  What a wienie!  That’s like if Michael Jordan came out for the 4th quarter in one of those motorized wheelchairs!  If I was the judge, the next word I’m givin’ him to spell is “pantywaist”!

  
  

  This kid was also the younger brother of the 2002 champion, who was there to root on his brother.  “Root”… yeah, right.  You know he was hoping his brother would mess up so he’d still be considered the best speller in the family.  When the brother finally lost, I’m sure the older brother turned to his dad and said, “I’m still number one, aren’t I, dad?” and the dad answered, “That’s right, son, cuz your brother is a loser”.

  
  

  

  
  

  Dear Lord… please make my brother misspell this word

  
  

  Speaking of parents… they cut to the audience one time and there was one of the parents… VIDEOTAPING THEIR KID!  SPELLING!!  Boy, I sure hope I don’t get invited to watch home movies in THAT house.  I mean, I can see taping your kid as he hits a home run to win a baseball game or something.  But I’m runnin’ for the door if I’m at someone’s house and they say, “Hey, let me show you a tape of my kid spelling ‘hepatopathy’”.

  
  

  As much fun this competition is, I don’t think they’ve tapped its full potential.  It could be so much better if they spice it up a bit.  Here’s some things that they should include to make this just a little more interesting:

  
  

  Taunting - Everyone is so quiet when a kid is tryin’ to figure out how to spell the word they’re given… how boring.  Why not let the other kids try to rattle the speller?  This ain’t golf, ya know!  Not sure what I would say if I was trying to taunt a kid trying to spell.  All I could come up with was:

  
  

  “Noonan!  Nnnnnnnoonan!”
  “Sure hope you studied up on your french participles, ya nerd!”
  “Don’t forget, it’s I before E, except after C, Charlie Brown!”

  
  

  Humiliation - When a kid misspells a word, you hear a soft “ding!”, which let’s the kid know they spelled the word wrong.  Why not something a little more harsh?  Like a big “BZZZZZZZZT!” or a gong or something and throw in that “wa-wa-waaaaaaaaaaaaa” sound to humiliate kids when they mess up.

  
  

  And if a kid misses the first word they’re given, people should boo.  I mean, you win the regional competitions, you’re the state champion and as soon as you get on TV to show the world what you can do, you can’t spell one word right, making you and your family look like morons!?!  BOOOOOOOOOO!

  
  

  How about after they miss the word, the judge says something like, “It’s spelled C-O-D-I-C-I-L-L-A-R-Y… you moron.  Get off the stage, loser”.

  
  

  Or maybe get that Sandman guy from Showtime At The Apollo and have him come on stage and sweep the kid off the stage when they blow it.

  
  

  Ooooo, better yet, get Simon from American Idol to be the judge so he can rip on a few kids before they leave the stage in shame.

  
  

  

  
  

  If spelling was a movie, you’d be Ishtar

  
  

  As you can see, I’m a big fan of humiliation in this contest.

  
  

  Attitude - Bottom line is, the participants are a bunch of nerds.  You just aren’t gonna get cool reactions out of these kids.  You need more competitive kids.  Kids that, when they spell a word right, they say, “THAT’S RIGHT!  BETTA RECOGNIZE, FOO’!  WESSSIIIIDE!”.  Or they give the other kids a death stare or do a victory lap around the stage… ANYTHING!

  
  

  And if they miss a word, they go on an obsenity-laden tirade, complete with kicking the microphone stand off the stage and threatening the judges with physical harm.  Man, I might just sponsor a kid next year just so this could happen.

  
  

  

  
  

  Do you like your fingers?  Tell me I spelled that word right or your new nickname will be “Stumpy”

  
  

  The problem with that, however, is that kids with attitudes like that can’t spell.  I mean, put a bunch of regular kids in a national spelling bee and you’re not gettin’ out of the first round.  So, they would have to change the competition somewhat to conform to the skill level of these kids.  Something like… The National L33t Spelling Bee!

  
  

   

  
  

  Announcer: Here’s our next contestant in the National L33t Spelling Bee sponsored by GameSpy…

  
  

  

  
  

  Name: L33t sP3LLuR
  Sponsored By: Bob’s Cyber Cafe
  Age: 14
  Grade: 5

  
  

  Judge: Your word is… suxorz.

  
  

  L33t sP3lluR: What is the definition?

  
  

  Judge: To perform below the expected skill level of average gamers.  To suck.

  
  

  L33t sP3lluR: What is the origin?

  
  

  Judge: Some 13-year old kid said it while playing Doom in 1996.

  
  

  L33t sP3lluR: Can you use it in a sentence?

  
  

  Judge: J00 SUX0RZ!!11

  
  

  L33t sP3lluR: suxorz… S-U-X-O-R-Z… suxorz

  
  

  *BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!  Wa-wa-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…”

  
  

  Judge: Sorry, it’s spelled, 5-line-underscore-line-X-zero-line-two-Z… “5|_|X0|2Z”

  
  

  L33t sP3lluR: %&$#*^$#&%$#!! *kicks microphone stand*

  • 5:14 am
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