January 21, 2004
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I’ve seen a number of movies recently, so even though there was one of these reviews was just a couple of blogs ago, here’s another one.
Another good movie! Good story (although somewhat recycled), great-looking scenery and an excellent choice of using asians for this movie. I can’t stand watching some of those old movies where they dress non-asians up to play all the asian roles. And also those movies where they make up an asian language and have people say stereotypical stuff like, “ching chong chong cherry chan”.
Grrrrrr…
Anyway, the movie made me want to try to teach myself japanese… for the 500th unsuccessful time. I liked pretty much everything about it. Well, there was this one small thing I had a problem with…
THE LAST SAMURAI WAS WHITE!?!
Yeah yeah, I know… people argue that Katsumoto was the actual “Last Samurai” and Tom Cruise was just the student. He only tried to carry on the tradition of the samurai instead of being a true samurai himself, blah blah blah. Whatever, pal. Bottom line… end of the movie, there’s one guy left with samurai armor on. I think that more than qualifies as being the “last” one.
And it’s the white guy! I mean, what are the odds!?!
How the heck could Tom Cruise be the last one left alive? I could only come up with a few reasons…
- Doggone asian discrimination, I tell you.
- 500 expertly-trained japanese samurai… one dorky white guy on a horse. Who poses the greatest threat?
- The soldiers got one look at Tom Cruise in full samurai armor and they couldn’t shoot straight cuz they were laughing too hard.
As for the storyline being recycled… while I was watching the movie, I’m sure everyone else also had that feeling of deja vu. We’ve all seen this story play out before and I think you were all thinking the same thing I was.
“Hey, this movie is JUST LIKE The Matrix!”.
Okay, maybe I was the only one that thought that. But let’s explore the similarities, shall we?
Matrix: The leader of the resistance is Morpheus, some big bald guy who teaches Neo the ways of the Matrix.
Last Samurai: The leader of the resistance is Katsumoto, some big bald guy who teaches Algren the ways of the samurai.
Matrix: Morpheus believes Neo is “The One” which will help him with his cause.
Last Samurai: Katsumoto believes Algren is “some white tiger-guy” (perhaps some hallucination after taking some ‘shrooms or something) which will help him with his cause.
Matrix: Morpheus has all these cool sayings flowing out of his mouth and Neo comes back with these lame replies, such as:
Morpheus: It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you to the truth.
Neo: Whoa.
Last Samurai: Katsumoto has all these cool sayings flowing out of his mouth and Algren comes back with these lame replies, such as:
Katsumoto: One could spend their entire life searching for the perfect blossom and it would not be a wasted life.
Algren: I feel the need… the need for speed!
Okay, maybe he didn’t say that one in this movie.
Talk to me, Goose.
Matrix: Neo can suddenly fight on even terms with Morpheus by “freeing his mind”.
Last Samurai: Algren can suddenly fight on even terms with Ujio by “eliminating the voices”.
And that’s another thing… you got Ujio, this expert samurai, the guy who teaches all the OTHER samurai how to fight, and you’re tellin’ me Algren can battle him to a draw with just a couple of months of practice? Just another example of The Man tryin’ to keep an asian samurai man down.
Okay… back to the comparisons.
Matrix: Neo goes from loser to some guy that can kick the crap out of all these same-looking agent guys.
Last Samurai: Algren goes from loser to some guy that can kick the crap out of all these same-looking ninja guys.
Matrix: Neo goes and talks to the leader of the machines, which looks like, uh, you know… one of those thiiiings with the piiiins and when you press your hand into it, it makes an impression of your haaand (done with my best Strong Bad impersonation)…
Ya, one of them things… whatever it’s called.
Anyway, he goes and talks to the leader of the machines and makes it see things his way.
Last Samurai: Algren goes and talks to the leader of Japan, the Emperor (whose face is as grand as… oh wait, wrong story), and makes him see things his way.
Matrix: Neo fights the enemy, saves the day and goes… well, I guess he goes to live with the machines. I dunno, I’m still kinda fuzzy about that part.
Last Samurai: Algren fights the enemy, saves nobody but himself and goes to live with the families of the people he didn’t save… way to go, “hero”.
Finally, why didn’t Tom Cruise have the samurai haircut? What, is he too vain to go all out in the name of authenticity?
SEE!?! WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN SO BAD!?!
- Doggone asian discrimination, I tell you.
Comments (38)
I’m first, I’m first!! *Does happy dance*
Anywho, I dunno, I really liked The Last Samurai. But for the life of me, I couldn’t take the emperor seriously. He kinda sounded like a 3-year-old once he tried speaking in English…*shakes head*.
Oh oh, and I actually got the idea that you were trying to do a Strong Bad impersonation before you even mentioned it!! WOOHOO!! I think it means that I go to that website WAY too much.
Man, you are one crazy guy. Hilarious, though.
Okay, I saw the movie and I didn’t think of these things. But it’s quite a funny interpretation.
And Tom Cruise was Maverick, not Goose. Anthony Edwards was Goose in Top Gun.
That last pic was one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen. *shudder*
The scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still Tom Cruise trying to talk in an accent in Interview with Vampire.
Why did you give Tom Cruise the same hair cut that Tim Conway had on Carol Burnett? I think that is disrespectful to the star of The Apple Dumping Gang and all those successful Dorf tapes like Dorf Does Golf, Dorf Does Tennis and Dorf Does Dallas…
Good Post… now I have to wait until the movie comes out on DVD to watch it… I don’t have the free time you do my friend.
Thank you for using the line “talk to me, Goose.” Oh, Gawd.
Also, thanks for saving me $40 or whatever it costs nowadays to see TLS in the theatre.
Ha Ha! Man you crack me up. Seriously.
I thought Algren learning all the samurai skillz within a month was pretty far fetched, but, hell I didn’t care. I got a movie filled with hot asians in battle gear.
That’s right. I said “hot asians in battle gear”. Woo!
Love the hair cut on T.C. Almost sent my tea out my nose.
LOL. I just saw your banner. Too funny.
Whoa.
~alissa
HAHAH Good God.
Btw, I hate Tom Cruise, so all of that crap you just told me saved me a trip to the movies. GOOD JOB GOVERNORBOY!
queL
For some reason, this is one of the movie I’m fearing it’s too overhyped…I’m afraid of the predictable cliche like u described here….ar well….I’ll wait when it’s show on tv one of these days. =)
Yes, it was kind of weird how Algren was the only person to have survived after being shotted several times and thrown off a horse in the end. Nevertheless, it was a great movie.
Oh man, what great and funny post. Comparing The Matrix with The Last Samurai, I never would have thought of that. I actually saw The Last Samurai in theaters a few months ago. It was actually pretty good.
I think I love you.
It seems to me that only good-looking white guys have the benefit of really good beginner’s luck. Bah.
the scroll. the scroll.
the button. the button.
scrolling so smooth
like the butter on the muffin.
why am i not surprised you read sb emails?
another brilliant post, dram.
i was kinda wondering myself why the last samurai was white too. good movie though…..great post!!
That picture is HILARIOUS
LOL at the picture. aside from the technicalities of racism… i thought it was a very good movie. bittersweet.
hnn! how true how true…and I LOVE THOSE NAIL THINGS. Someday I shall put my face in it and take a picture…
“…THIS ONE’S FOR YOU, DRAM!”
hehehe…anywho does Head Over Heels have a blip in it? gahh! discraceful. I don’t hear it but…yeah…I hope the rest of the song doesn’t scare you.
not too fond of tom and that is one scary pic
Like I said I refuse to eat anything made or sold by McDonalds so I’ve never had the McRib.
I rented three movies this week and ALL three of them sucked. I think I give up on new movies.
rahahahahahaha…..you’re too funny. I loved the comparisons between the Matrix and Last Samurai. Aren’t you glad though, that Japanese culture is getting a bit more accurate exposure to the Western world (meaning, at least the actors were from Japan, also like Kill Bill)? Yay nippon!
Hey, I heard that Tom was sick from a bad latte on set and he was qouted, “Damn. That was nasty. I’m sick as a parrot. My hair is messed up. Fire someone.”
Yay a movie geek like me! “THE LAST SAMURAI WAS WHITE!?!” Yeah, that’s exactly what I said when I saw the preview. I am going to have to see that movie now, but I know I will just keep laughing thru the whole thing because I will be thinking about Cruise with that horrendous haircut
PS. I don’t know why my font got all funkified. Whoops.
Oh yeah, and I COULD tell you what Legolas got me… but it’s a bit X-rated.
MUAHAHA!
(Whoa, I commented 3 times, haha, sorry.)
Gahahahahah! White.
Yeah, when I saw the preview I was thinking Samurai’s can’t be white…lol those crazy Americans
CindyWang - Hahahaha… ya, I was gonna make fun of the Emperor too, but didn’t come up with anything fun to say.
grisaleen - Thanks!
potiron - Ya, I used that pic cuz it looked like Tom Cruise was in deep thought, like when he would freak out and say “Talk to me Goose”.
makino81 - I never bothered to see that movie… and I’m so very happy that I didn’t.
Bootleg_Hero - I dunno man, after reading your blogs, it seems that you have PLENTY of free time.
eFairy - No problem… I aim to please! I take requests!
seberu - Hmmm, the “hot asians in battle gear” didn’t do much for me.
AlamosaGirl - Is that a “good” whoa, or a “stay away from THAT guy” whoa?
queLness - Hey, I DID say it was a good movie! Even though you’d probably enjoy it more if Tom Cruise died.
blondless - Predictable… well, when they call the movie “The Last Samurai” and Tom Cruise is on the poster, whadda ya expect is gonna happen?
drcpu - I guess that’s what a good agent can do for your career… make sure you don’t die.
KINGPIN668 - Ya, there seems to be a lot of things I think of that others don’t. I call it “originality”… everyone else calls it “weird”.
Lizka - Woohoo love! Yeah, I wish I had just a little bit of that luck!
misterdonut - Hahahaha… yeah, that site is hilarious.
lilwa11y - I’ll tell ya why… cuz the asian guy NEVER gets top billing! =P
CrazyGB -
LusciousLips - Yeah, the movie was good, but if I only said that, how funny would this blog have been?
SaltedLemons - Oh boy! I can’t wait!
Yeah, I dunno why it makes that blip noise for me, but not you… that’s weird.
lynxi - You’re welcome to print that picture and throw darts at it!
astrohooker - Not even a strawberry sundae? Hot apple pie? Not even to get a Beanie Baby!?!
kayoko - Yeah, I was pretty happy with the authenticity of the language and getting actual japanese actors and everything… just… HE’S WHITE!?! =P
middle - Hahahaha… I shoulda known Tom Cruise would use “sick as a parrot”!!
KittyKat7 - Hahaha… I wonder about that. Do people read my blog before they see the movie, then see the movie and laugh at inopportune moments? Like, when they show the beacons being lit in Return of the King, does anyone go, “BAHAHAHAHAHA… THE BEACON GUYS!”?
sydney_chickie - Couldn’t we have just ONE asian guy survive? Is that too much to ask!?!
themadhatr - I’d like Japan to come out with a movie about the U.S. Civil War and have the last rebel guy be japanese. REVENGE!
rofl in Breakfast at Tiffany’s with Audrey Hepburn, a white guy played the stereotypical asian guy. grrrr that made me mad
lol but hey, i love tom cruise
lol i don think he looks like a ‘frikken moron’ sigh <3
hahaha strong bad!!! weeee funny stuff ^_^
Ok, so I laughed out loud [very loud] in the middle of the library and now everyone is pissed at me. I blame you. Or my loud laugh.
Ragardless, this is freakin’ histerical…I have to say that I was thinking about 90% of what you wrote. Especially the Matrix references. What is it with the minorities having the deep talent and then some scrawny white dude comes along and picks up the talent, no sweat? Metaphor for the American way of life perhaps??
*still laughing*
i miss counterstrike so bad aposdifjwlekfjal;ksdjf;alkwfjlkfj aofthoiehv;hnawtfoeij tom omg im dying
I think if he had sported that haircut then EVERYBODY would have died laughing
I would’ve loved to see him in that haircut but then again..if that haircut was used I wouldn’t pay attention to the movie.
omg your review rocks! cant wait to see what you have to say next.
Bloodberry - Yeah see, that’s what I’m talkin’ about. It’s like they didn’t have any asian actors back then!
Why aren’t you playing CS? I thought you re-installed it?
Sapphires - Hahahaha… we used to make too much noise in the school library and get kicked out.
SuuGaPuFF - Well, wasn’t everyone laughing at him anyway?
nefarious_hatter - Well, I guess that’s true… but I woulda enjoyed it a lot more!
lnkngurl808 - Well, I just posted another blog… probably not as funny.
It’s a “Morpheus: It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you to the truth.
Neo: Whoa.” kind of whoa.
~alissa