January 6, 2006
-
Alrighty, might as well take another stab at this “blogging” thing…
Here’s a news flash that I thought was my duty to report (a few months late, but I have a good excuse… which I’m sure you don’t want to hear, so I won’t
have to make one upbore you with it):
THE LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS SIGNED YUTA TABUSE!
That’s right, baby! The Clips picked up Yuta before the pre-season and immediately put him to work. Which means, of course, the long-awaited return of…
The Yuta Line!
Minutes
Played
Shots
Made/Att
3-pointers
Made/Att
Free Throws
Made/Att
Rebounds
Assists
Steals
Blocks
Turnovers
Fouls
Points
20.0
4/4
0/0
0/0
4
6
3
1
0
5
8
However, before I could even blog about it…
October 31, 2005: The Clippers today waived guard Yuta Tabuse it was announced by Vice President of Basketball Operations Elgin Baylor.
Freaking heck… with moronic moves like that, NO WONDER these guys haven’t been to the playoffs in almost ten years! Maybe these bozos were setting their sights a little too low. Since they haven’t made the playoffs in so long, they were looking for something to snap them out of their slump. Of course, they turned to the one man who could deliver them to the promised land… YUTA! Don’t believe me? Well, take a look at this…
2002-03 Denver Nuggets record: 17 wins, 65 losses
2003-04 Denver Nuggets with Yuta: 43 wins, 39 losses and made the playoffs!
2003-04 Phoenix Suns record: 29 wins, 53 losses
2004-05 Phoenix Suns with Yuta: 62 wins, 20 losses and made the playoffs!
2004-05 Los Angeles Clippers record: 37 wins, 45 losses
2005-06 Los Angeles Clippers with Yuta: currently in 2nd place in their division and playoff-eligible!
Don’t ya see!?! Just having Yuta exposed to your team for a short while means instant success! Oh sure, none of these teams won the NBA championship, however. The Suns came the closest, who coincidentally, were the only ones that actually let him play during the regular season.
So, I’d like to give those NBA teams a little hint… in order to win a championship, STOP FREAKING CUTTING HIM!!
Sigh.
Anyway, instead of a year’s worth of cool blogs about Yuta, you’ll just have to read lesser blogs such as…
Once again, Dramamine Boy’s Xanga delves into a topic that occurred before 80% of its readers were even born! That’s right, it’s the Nintendo Entertainment System’s most popular game of all time*, Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!
*Okay, maybe if you don’t count Super Mario Bros… and yeah, Legend Of Zelda was pretty popular too… oh, there’s Donkey Kong… and Tetris… hmmmm, Final Fantasy was good… and I played a ton of Tecmo Bowl… hey, nobody asked for your opinion! It’s the most popular NES game ever, I tell you!
This was a great game. It was first called Mike Tyson’s Punch Out! and then later, after Nintendo decided to stop paying Mike Tyson any royalties, it was just called Punch Out! Regardless of the version, I had yet another name for it… THE MOST RACIST VIDEO GAME EVER!
Don’t believe me!?! Well, I think we can start by taking a look at the main character of the game (who you control). His name is Little Mac. Little Mac is a boxer. Little Mac is a white boxer. Little Mac is a white boxer that looks like Fred Savage from The Wonder Years. Little Mac is a Fred Savage look-alike boxer who is about 3 feet tall. And three-foot tall Fred Savage’s goal is to become the Heavyweight Champion of the World.
That’s Little Mac on the right… who is apparently being managed by the cop from the first Die Hard movie.
Yeah… that guy.
Needless to say, realism isn’t one of the features of this game. I mean come on, the guy is so small, he has to jump in the air to hit people in the face!
And this little guy is trying to become the Heavyweight Champion of the World!?!
Fine, I guess since it’s a video game, we can give them the benefit of the doubt… as unbelievable and impossible as it may be. Let’s look at his opponents, shall we? There are boxers from all over the world, encompassing many different races. Each one offers a foreboding presence against the 3-foot tall Little Mac. However, these boxers also have weaknesses by revealing patterns, or should I use the more proper term… STEREOTYPES… which Little Mac exploits to be able to weaken and hurt them, eventually sending them to a humiliating defeat.
And who gets the worst racial treatment? Of course… the asian boxer. Piston Honda… I mean geez, let’s just ignore the fact that his freaking name is “Piston Honda”! When you’re kicking the crap out of him, what does he say?
What. The. Heck.
Does Von Kaiser say “Bratwurst, Oktoberfest, Seig Heil”!?! Of course not. Doggone asian video game character discrimination, I tell you.
And of course, kicking the crap out of the asian guy gets you a trophy. Not only that, but you get to kick the crap out of the asian guy TWICE in this game.
“But Dram”, I hear you utter, “isn’t the game made by Nintendo, a japanese company?”. Why yes, it is. However, you know once The Man got his hands on it, he had his computer cronies change the code and turn this uber cool game featuring asian Little Tak into this racial abomination with crappy Little Mac. Just another example of The Man tryin’ to keep an asian video game character down.
It’s not like the asians are the only ones that look bad. I mean, Bald Bull is like 300 pounds. Little Mac… 60. Where was Al Sharpton when this was going on!?!
And hey, what country is Mario from? Isn’t he supposed to be from Italy? But he doesn’t speak italian. He speaks some strange language unknown to this earth. Is he from the same country as Miss Othmar from Peanuts? They seem to speak the same language. For example, when someone gets knocked down, Mario comes in and counts…
Mario Says:
wah
wah
wah
wah
wah
wah
wah
wah
wah
wah
wah-wah!
Translation:
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
KO!
Is that the only sound that is involved in this language? I just hope I’d never have to interview Mario. I would ask him a question and he would say something like, “Wah-wah wah wah-wah-wah.” and I would say, “Wha’?”
“Wah.”
“Wha’?”
“WAH!”
“Wha’?”
and then he might slug me or hit me with a big red hammer or something.
Heh… I said “slug”. Nobody says “slug” anymore.
Anyway, after dominating all of the races from around the world, this little 3-foot high mini-me of a fighter gets a chance to kick the crap out of the Heavyweight Champion of the World, Mike Tyson.
I can understand this, cuz it was like every week back in the ’80s when midgets were climbing into the ring and smacking Mike Tyson around like a little baby.
Not that smacking babies is something that should be condoned… but you know, I’m just sayin’… it’d be easy to do. Seriously, what’re they gonna do? They’re babies! I mean, not only have they yet to advance to an adequate level of motor skills and reflexes to defend themselves, but they also lack the vocabulary and communication skills to express to anyone about the abuse they receive!
But yeah… smacking babies is just wrong.
Okay, so instead of the scrawny white guy kicking the crap out of the league of nations, I thought it would’ve been a lot better if they changed the opponents to make it more “racial friendly”, if I can make up a new term. For example, how many people would’ve bought Mike Tyson’s Punch Out! if you could beat up…
A Care Bear! I mean, who WOULDN’T want to kick the crap out of a Care Bear!?! All big and fluffy and stuff… they’re just begging for a good punch to the face. Especially that stupid Love-A-Lot. More like, “Love-A-Lot…To-Beat-You-Up”!
Yeahhhhhh… um… it’s pretty obvious that I suck at snappy comebacks.
Or even better, how about…
BOY GEORGE! Oh good lord, what kind of mad rush would there have been at Toys “R” Us if they added a chance to beat up “it” in the game?
And yes, I called him “it”. When the Do You Really Want To Hurt Me video played on MTV (back when MTV played these things called “music videos”), my friend and I had the following conversation:
Friend: That’s a girl, right?
Me: Uhhhh… that’s a guy.
Friend: Are you sure?
Me: …no. But his name is Boy George! That’s gotta give you a clue right there!
Friend: Maybe it’s a play on words. Look at her dance… that’s a girl!
Me: Dude! That’s not a girl!
So, since we weren’t sure, we both agreed to call Boy George “it” until we determined exactly what “it” was. I believe that ended up taking a couple of weeks, since this was before the age of the internet, where you actually had to like, go to the library and look things up in books and stuff. What a frikkin’ pain.
…
Okay, back to the blog!
I know, it’s just the floating head of Boy George. I couldn’t find a decent full-body picture on the internet and didn’t feel like putting Boy George’s head on top of Don Flamenco’s body or something. And anyway, who needs a body? I mean, the game would be awesomely better with a defenseless Boy George Head for everyone to pummel!
Insert your own person here! They have games now where you can scan in a picture of someone’s face and incorporate it into the game. For example, in NBA Live, you can scan in a picture of Regis Philbin, stick it onto the body of a player and then spend the whole game dunking on his head. Now, wouldn’t this be the perfect game to incorporate this into? I mean, just think how many hours everyone would spend playing this game if they could continually beat up people that bug the crap out of them! THIS GAME WOULD BE BIGGER THAN JENGA!
Inserting baby faces is not allowed. Cuz, you know… that would be wrong.
Until next time, “wah-wah wah-wah!”
Comments (51)
Or Snuggles the most evil satanic bear on TV. That would be excellent I have always wanted to slug the crap out of that little freakish thing.
Living in Phoenix I can say just having Yuta on the bench made everything about this hellhole in the desert better.
that black actor is also urkel’s dad in “family matters.” i didn’t watch that show, but i did pay attention to the previews on abc’s tgif line-up. it’s sad that i know this but who cares because i’m now a knightess. actually, i change my mind. i’m going with damsel of destruction as a title because knightess sounds a little slutty, as if i was a lady of the knight/night — see the play on words?
I demand a reference to the “nigga stole my bike” ytmnd when talking about Punch Out!
“wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha!!”
Translation: You seriously have WAY too much time on your hands!!
But that’s why we love ya
*pees pants laughing*
i’ve changed so many xangas since i subscribed to you…
it’s good to see another post.
i was going to set up a search light in the sky, just in case you died.
[stillgiggling]
Oh Dram… sports and video games? booo
I’m just too girly a reader lol
Dram makes scientific studies fun to read!
Great to see a new post.
And yes, I was expecting a “nigga stole my bike” reference also. But this is excellent as it is.
I’d buy the carebears one.
No way in hell would I ever kick the crap out of a Care Bear! Maybe a Popple (oh man, showing my age there.) mos def.. but not a Care Bear!
Excellent blog!
That was an awesome blog >.<
I HAPPEN TO ADORE BOY GEORGE AND REGIS PHILBIN!
other than that, hill to the arrious post.
heh. interesting. i heard about this actually. i have a friend who scanned his own pic or something odd like that.
ryc: alas no it just comes wiht the territory of my work although funny because of people’s stupidity i suppose. heh.
I laughed upon reading of the punching of babies, and then of course I felt a bit guilty for laughing. That made me laugh again. I love your blogs.
I must say, DramamineBoy, I would most certainly send you money in the small chance that it would aid in my sleeping-difficulties. Only, last night I got to sleep, wonderful and gorgeous sleep, all on my own. I guess sleeping-situations have a way of working themselves out when one becomes exhausted enough.
I hope you had a marvelous New Year.
Everytime I see a comment from you, I freak out inside. I just can’t get over the fact that THE best blogger in the history of the internet spent time reading one of my entries.
Have a lovely evening.
-Asami Ramirez.
LMAO! Haha, your blogs are so funny! I almost burst out laughing in my con law class. (Actually I was stiffling laugther, which was kinda’ hard and sorta’ awkward.) Anyways, “wah wah wah wah wah!”
And good luck with your bball season!
Put a picture of you up there D
ryc: haha..yes i did cry in between stabs of the succulent meat. hurry up and blog, dram..it’s been a month!
Ya know, Scott and his friends were so excited about those basket-ball poker chips you sold them last week. Haha.
Exactly! I mean that is one hot babe to have bling carrying birds and a dragon whip!
I remember playing Mike Tyson’s Punch Out! and thinking, My God, they’re using the START button for uppercut? Like A and B aren’t enough buttons for them?? I mean, how many buttons does one controller really need??
I think if I saw a GameCube when I was 10 years old (like if one fell through the Stargate or something), my head would’ve exploded.
And the guy from Die Hard was Reginald Vel Johnson! I’m equal parts proud and ashamed that I know this.
Dammit D, UPDATE!!!!
Dude instead of Xanga I was thinking that something less addicting like Heroin but shoot I’ll follow your advice and go straight to the crack!
Drammy… You’re playing BF2 right now and I’m quite jealous. Until I lure some money out of my parents so we can play together… I have a suggestion.
UPDATE, DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
i heart you.
i haven’t thought of mike tyson’s punch out in a very long time. in fact, if you haven’t blogged about it, i probably would have never thought about it ever again. but now that i have, i thank you. i effing LOVED that game. i kicked ass, damnitz. even that piston honda’s ass. wasn’t his weakness his ear. oh and that big guy, where you had to time when to punch his tummy.
ohhh, the satisfaction of making that big guy fall. mike tyson’s punch out (or punch out), where are you? i miss you. we were good to each other once. you kept me warm on cold winter nights.
and i miss you, Drammie-poo. what up in your hood, yo?
fo shizzle,
my nizzle
Happy Easter!
Okay so how did I forget to ask how much the lakers have to pay the refs….
I was also going to insert a witty Suns comment but….oh never mind!
See if only they had held on to Yuta this would never have gotten to 3 – 2.
I agree. The BossaNova Barnulli effect vacuum can only influence the Framus reversal three point shot. But, clearly the Japanese quantum Jumper theorem cannot be discounted.
I have no idea what that is but the penguin scientists in my employ are working on it.
Please note that it goes to a game three. I would also say that the occurence of playoff overtime games has increased with the value of the advertising costs.
hey dram, how am I supposed to know what Yuta is up to if you don’t blog! C’mon give it a shot.
ryc: wanna check out rwanda with me then? ahahahaha!!! it is definitely not on my top 10 list of places to visit!
ryc: the target dog softens the crunch of the monitor for ease of consumption!
Dude, my footprints say you looked at my Xanga. Where the heck have you been???
One really really big one!
Love and harboring known criminal masterminds are the same thing. Exactly the same thing.
Really.
(And I still freak out a little when I see a comment from you, blogging-superhero, you.)
I thought you were asking about peanut butter brickle…
That is how we throw it in the 480.
Come on dude write something!!! You have a million densely packed funny ions in one of your dead skin cells than anyone has in their entire body.
No soccer vs basketball debate… come on man.
ryc: you’ve been gone too long. stop fishing or writing music with david hasselhoff. hooga hooga…
Ryc: thanks man. He was 10 and had kidney desease and eventually the rest of his organs gave up.
we are old now.
do you rmember me?!1?1
[2jlajfla
Yep…only 9 years old….getting younger by the year! Just think…in 10 years you’ll be …. -1?!?
Can you jump back in the womb then? Somehow this logic’s kinda….not logical at all. 
You would!!!!
carl winslow!
InFi17yTe712: OH SHIT
Auto response from Jujubean Tea: I am not available because I am playing a computer game that takes up the whole screen.
InFi17yTe712: IT’S DRAMAMINEBOY
Jujubean Tea: lol where
InFi17yTe712: in ur xanga
Jujubean Tea: lol where
Jujubean Tea: he commented?
InFi17yTe712: yeah
Jujubean Tea: when
InFi17yTe712: go back to reading tho
InFi17yTe712:
Jujubean Tea: myHOLY CRAP
Jujubean Tea: HE COMMENTED
Jujubean Tea: HE READS IT?!
Jujubean Tea: IM SO HONORED
Jujubean Tea: LOLLOLO
InFi17yTe712: his xanga’s like…
InFi17yTe712: legendary
Jujubean Tea: I KNOWWW
<3
I wouldn’t trade you for all the other bloggers in the world.
Heart attack!
I feel the same way about your comment as that person above me, right there, yes, Bloodberry. That one!
We adore you.
And maybe I was wrong…maybe I’m not too old for Where the Wild Things Are. I shall have to consider this while I sip my late-afternoon/early-evening coffee which I haven’t made yet, but am thinking about. Mmmm…rasberry flavor shots. I’m certain I’m not too old for Harold and his purple crayon, and since they are for the same age group logically I shouldn’t be too old for the creatures. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, my xangahero.
Good lord man! Do you really need such high temper bvds?
how old are you now? how old are you now? how old are yooooooooou now? how old are you now? happy birthday!!!!!
Happy Bithday dude! I hope you liked the marching band and Las Vegas showgirls I sent you.
Thank you.
Dude if you want to be all flaunting tadpole Fred’s triumphs at tadpole obedience school that is up to you but I don’t want to hear about it, and so help me if there is a slideshow that goes with it well……
The penguin is sitting in the freezer at grandma’s in a butter container…help yourself!!