August 30, 2004

• Dram the Prophet said: I’m putting my money down on Spain when the US plays them tomorrow.

  
  

  See… this is why I have no money.  Hey, I was only one game off!  Don’t I get 1/2 credit for that!?!  And I did say a week ago that the USA basketball team was gonna get killed by Argentina if they play them!  Too bad there was only one customer in the store at the time… who probably forgot I said it… nor did I bet any money on that prediction.

  
  

  Anyway, you’re not here to see me look stupid (I hope), you’re here to read about…

  
  

  ATHENS OLYMPICS: DAY 16

  
  

  Sure, the Olympics are over… BUT NOT ON DRAMAMINE BOY’S XANGA, THE OFFICIAL XANGA BLOG OF THE ATHENS OLYMPICS!*  Heck, there could be another couple of months of Olympic blogs still to come!  Why?  Because it’s the duty of Dramamine Boy’s Xanga, The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics* to carry on and spread the spirit of the Olympics!  Because it’s to give YOU, the Olympic fans, more in-depth coverage of the Athens Olympics that those bozos on TV are too scared to broadcast!

  
  

  But mainly it’s cuz I’m lazy and it takes forever to finish one of these blogs.

  
  

  There’s been a lot of controversy at these Olympic Games.  From drug testing, to questionable scoring by judges, to crazy people tackling athletes, I’m sure everyone has a lot of questions about these events.  As the Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics*, I believe you deserve answers to some of the tough questions that have emerged from these Olympic games.  Now, Dramamine Boy’s Xanga – The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics* will attempt to answer the one question that is on everyone’s minds…

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  Out of all of the mascots in Olympic history, which one would win in a fight?

  
  

  Before we answer that question, let’s take a look at this year’s Olympic mascots, Athina and Phevos:

  
  

  

  
  

  This is Athina and Phevos.  They are the official mascots of the Athens Olympics.  They are named after the Greek gods Athena and Apollo.  They are sister and brother.  They represent the values of the Olympic Games.  Participation.  Brotherhood.  Equality.  Cooperation.  Fair play.  They also look like crap.

  
  

  I mean, look at them!  They’re laboratory beakers with feet!  I could draw better mascots than that!

  
  

  Okay… maybe not.  But anybody else could, I’m sure!

  
  

  So, I went on the internet (which everyone knows, is the source of everything true) to track down exactly who came up with these monstrosities.  The mascots were created by Phillipos Papadopolous, a 12-year old kid with cerebal palsy.  Stricken without the use of his arms, he creates his art by drawing with his feet.  Olympic organizers became aware of the story of the 12-year old Greek artist, so they contacted Phillipos’ family and Olympic mascots Athina and Phevos were created.

  
  

  Sorta makes ya think twice about ridiculing these two mascots now, doesn’t it?  Well, I made that story up.  The truth is that the Greek Olympic organizers paid an agency some ungodly amount of money and those two goofballs are what they came up with.  The ridiculing can now re-commence without guilt.

  
  

  Anyway, Dramamine Boy’s Xanga – The Official Xanga Blog of the Athens Olympics* is proud to present:

  
  

  The Battle of the Olympic Mascots

  
  

  The battle will be done in an eight-mascot bracket, with the winners advancing towards an eventual Master of Olympic Mascots.  Here’s a list of the participants:

  
  

  1972 Munich – Waldi the Dachshund
  1976 Montreal – Amik the Beaver
  1980 Moscow – Misha the Russian Bear
  1984 Los Angeles – Sam the Eagle
  1988 Seoul – Hodori the Tiger
  1992 Barcelona – Cobi the Dog
  1996 Atlanta – Izzy the big piece of crap
  2000 Sydney – Olly the Kookaburra, Syd the Platypus and Millie the Echidna
  2004 Athens – Athina and Phevos the wildly out-of-proportioned people

  
  

  Yeah, yeah, I know there’s nine mascots, but I’m eliminating Amik the Beaver.  I mean, look at this thing:

  
  

  

  
  

  Not only does it have limited fighting abilities, but with that stripe across its body, Amik looks like road kill.  So, Amik has to go.  Hey, don’t blame me, Canada!  It’s not my fault that after all the campaigning and bribing to get the Olympic Games, the Canadian organizers appointed a flat, dead beaver as their official mascot!

  
  

  Okay, the pairings for round one would be the oldest mascot vs. the newest, 2nd oldest vs. 2nd newest, etc.

  
  

  And now… for the tens of people in attendance… and the hundreds reading at home…
  

  
  

  ROUND ONE

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Waldi	vs.	Athina and Phevos

  
  

  The bell rings, Phevos runs up to Waldi and before Waldi can let out a bark as menacing as a rainbow-colored dog can muster, he crushes Waldi with his humongous feet.  Game over.

  
  

  A rather poor showing by Waldi, I must say.
  WINNER – Athina and Phevos

  
  

   

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Misha	vs.	Olly, Syd and Millie

  
  

  Geez, how unfair is this?  Three on one?  Especially when the trio have land, air and sea battles covered!  Don’t they have ANY concept of fair play “Down Under”!?!  We should have a wrestling ring set up so they can only attack one at a time.  But since this isn’t wrestling, tough crap for Misha, the Teddy Ruxpin rip-off.

  
  

  While the bear is one of the world’s fiercest animals, Misha is no match for a triple team.  Even in Misha’s one moment of glory - crushing Millie with a single, savage blow - the spines eminating from Millie’s shattered body inbed into Misha’s paw, rendering it unusable.  It’s all downhill from there for Misha.
  WINNER – Olly, Syd and the flat Millie

  
  

   

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Sam	vs.	Izzy

  
  

  It’s the battle of the American mascots!  Wessssside vs. Eassssside!  Sam, the stupidly-clad eagle vs. Izzy, the stupidly-stupid nightmare of a mascot.  I mean come on, what drugs were involved when they came up with this thing?  And what insane amount of money did this person get for walking around like this?

  
  

  

  
  

  And what about Sam?  Who puts hats on birds anyway?  Especially top hats?  They’re totally non-aerodynamic.  Due to this fact, that hat renders Sam unable to fly.  While I would love to see Izzy get the crap pecked out of it, Izzy has too many weapons available and will break out a tennis racket or a hockey stick and smack around an earth-bound Sam before he could get close enough to set Izzy on fire with his torch.
  WINNER – Izzy

  
  

   

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Hodori	vs.	Cobi

  
  

  What the heck is Cobi is doing?  At first, I thought he was flippin’ people off or doing some obscene Barcelona gesture.  Then, I figured he was sniffing glue or something.  I mean, whatever he’s sniffin’, it’s making his hair stand straight up in the air!  But upon closer inspection, my hypothesis was rendered incorrect, since his frikkin’ nose is waaay over to the right for some reason.  So, I’m goin’ with the obscene gesture idea until someone tells me different.

  
  

  Anyway, while I think Cobi is the coolest mascot out of all the Olympic mascots, cool doesn’t defeat a rampaging tiger, with or without a goofy ribbon tied to its hat.
  WINNER – Hodori

  
  

   

  
  

  ROUND TWO

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Athina and Phevos	vs.	Olly, Syd and Millie

  
  

  2 vs. 2, the odds are even!  Once again, a smaller, easily stepped-on mascot is no match for the Bozo the Clown-feet of Athina and Phevos.  Athina does the honors this time on Syd.  While Olly is able to fly around and peck Phevos’ eyes out, the advantage of flight is nullified when Phevos falls to the ground in pain with Olly still pecking away at his face.  Athina walks over and smooshes Olly (and a good deal of Phevos’ face as well).
  WINNER – Athina and a blind, flat-faced Phevos

  
  

   

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Izzy	vs.	Hodori

  
  

  
  This is where Izzy gets his… uh, hers… um… it.  Apparently, one of Izzy’s gifts is the ability to morph into anything at the drop of a hat.  Now normally, this would be a fantastic advantage in a fight against a ribbon-wielding tiger.  But you see, Izzy is a moron.  I mean, look at it.  If ever there’s a prime example of the “lights are on but nobody’s home” look, Izzy’s got it.  Izzy’s strategy to morph into a huge tiger-treat amazingly backfires.
  WINNER – Hodori

  
  

   

  
  

  CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND
  

  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Hodori	vs.	Athina and blind Phevos

  
  

  Here’s where the lack of regular-length arms hurt Athina and Phevos.  While their feet spell doom for anyone venturing near them, their short arms make it impossible for them to shield their faces or genitals against an attacking tiger.  While Phevos staggers around, blindly stomping at air, Hodori takes care of Athina.  That leaves a blind, flat-faced, big-footed, no-defense Phevos vs. a tiger.  Incredibly, Phevos pulls off a stupendous upset, taking a page from Jean-Claude Van Damme in Bloodsport and defeating Hodori with an expertly-placed blind headbutt!

  
  

  Yeah right, as if!  Come on, anyone that’s been reading Dramamine Boy’s Xanga knew from the start that the asian mascot was gonna win this!  Phevos gets the crap kicked out of him.

  
  

  
  YOUR WINNER AND OLYMPIC MASCOT CHAMPION… HODORI!

  
  

  

  
  

  So, mark it down on your calendar, boys and girls, cuz The Battle of the Winter Olympic Mascots is less than two years away!  Personally, I can’t wait, cuz I’m already predicting that Magique the Snow Imp is so gonna get its butt kicked.

  
  

  

  • 3:54 am
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